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Original poster

To "let" DH take 15 week old baby out???

359 replies

newmum002 · 09/09/2023 09:37

Hi

I feel like I'm going insane and now I'm questioning everything.

My DH is a great Dad, hands on and adores our DD. She is 15 weeks old and a few times, when he plays football on a Tuesday night he offers to drop her at his Mum's on the way and pick her up on the way back so that I can have 2-3 hours of time to myself.

He passes his Mum's and they love spending time with her and they regularly come to see her and spend time with her, they've always said they will have her whenever for us when they're home from work.

I told a friend about this and said the last 3 weeks she has gone to Nan & Grandads for a few hours (6-9pm), that I have a nice long bath or shower and maybe read for a little bit or watch something on Netflix and she looked at me like I was mad and said that there is no way she'd "let" her partner take their one year old out for a few hours without her, let alone the baby being without the Dad too, that she is too young to be away from either parents at 15 weeks old for the 2 hours he is gone to play football.

It's really playing on my mind and now I'm wondering whether I am being unkind to our DD by leaving her for some time with her Grandparents so that I can have a couple of hours to relax. DD is my whole world and we spend 99% of the time together and suddenly I feel really guilty.

Grandparents send me a photo or video of her smiling or playing with one of the toys they've got for her at their house and always say she is a joy to have.

This is my first baby, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and loved it, now I'm wondering if she's too young? Friend has made me doubt myself.

OP posts:
Globules · 09/09/2023 09:52

@newmum002 I always found the right response in those situations was to turn it back onto them.

"He's her dad. Why do you want your child to have a poor relationship with their dad as they grow up?"

"You may be focused on the short term, but I'm looking at the long game as well. I know DD being so reliant on me now isn't going to do her any good in the future. Why would you set yourself up for future issues?"

Or something similar.

VisionsOfSplendour · 09/09/2023 09:52

Plumful · 09/09/2023 09:41

Your friend is probably jealous

That doesn't make sense, the friend is choosing to not have her baby away from her not being forced to. What would she be jealous of?

You don't need to spend every moment with your baby, it's personal choice, why does it matter if your friend makes a different choice?

LionessSky · 09/09/2023 09:52

My Mum looked after my eldest for 3-4hrs when he was about 2wks old and my MIL had him overnight at 8wks old.
They have both continued to look after either one or both of my kids sporadically ever since (eldest now 5 years old).
My kids have great relationships with both grandmothers and I have rock solid bonds with both my kids, as does their Dad.
Nothing wrong with someone you trust (especially their Dad) looking after your baby.

CandyLeBonBon · 09/09/2023 09:53

10HailMarys · 09/09/2023 09:38

Your friend is being bloody ridiculous. You’re doing nothing wrong!

^^this. Your friend is weird

endlessleypeckish · 09/09/2023 09:54

Plus the saying "it takes a village"; it's good for children to spend time with family etc, I do believe it is only a positive thing.

dottiedodah · 09/09/2023 09:54

Maybe she is jealous? You have an easy baby.willing DGP and a kind DH .A couple of hours is brill! Crack on OP and take no notice!

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 09/09/2023 09:54

I think it’s amazing that you get a couple of hours to yourself. It’s time you need to be human. Your DH is her dad and is perfectly capable of looking after her, as are her grandparents. You’re doing nothing wrong, enjoy your baby free time and use it to remind yourself you’re more than just a mum Flowers

Merryoldgoat · 09/09/2023 09:55

@newmum002

You and your DH sound like a team working well together with support from your wider family. It’s the dream and your ‘friend’ is jealous.

Next time tell her you’re sorry her partner can’t be trusted with his own child, then stop listening to her.

Original poster
newmum002 · 09/09/2023 09:55

Thank you

You've all made me feel so much better.

I do appreciate that I'm fortunate to have great in laws and a fab DH to be Dad to our DD. I know a lot of parents/mums don't have it as good as I do and I can't imagine how hard that is, hats off to single parents out there because I genuinely don't know how I'd do it.

It's hurt me a bit as I've been friends with her since we were 9 and very close, I have suffered anxiety and depression and she has always said she feels lucky that she's never experienced it but maybe she is experiencing anxiety and that's why she doesn't trust her partner to be with their child alone.

We know them really well and I know we don't know everything that goes on behind closed doors but we've always got on with him and he's always come across as a good partner and Dad too, she sings his praises so I'm not sure why she wouldn't "let" him take some control.

I don't know, I've been mulling over it for a couple of days and thought I would get some opinions.

Thanks

OP posts:
Mamai90 · 09/09/2023 09:55

Your friend is being an eejit. My sister took my DD over night at 3 months and I had her DS when he was 9 weeks, we trust eachother completely. I have a great relationship with her sons, they are honestly like my own and she feels the same way about my daughters. I feel like that extra help in the early days got me through and I appreciated the time we spent together even more. It's also good for her to form strong bonds with other family members.

Enjoy your free time, I think those few hours are invaluable as a new mum and don't feel guilty about it.

AlvaLane · 09/09/2023 09:56

Great arrangement. Fantastic for all involved because everyone involved is happy! DD gets quality time with her grandparents, DM gets some time to choose what she does, DF gets time to do what he wants too. No issues.

( much better than a post saying my DH plays football every week leaving me with my DD and nearby MIL doesn’t help at all)

quietlycontent · 09/09/2023 09:57

You are so lucky this sounds like a prefect set up to me I bet you look forward to the rest and then are a better mum the rest of the week.

My mum had to come and stay as she lives too far away please do carry on its good for everyone

Scottishskifun · 09/09/2023 09:57

Do what works for you and your family there is nothing wrong with having some time to yourself tbh it sounds more like jealousy then anything else.

I wouldn't have done it with my 2 but they were bf so not really possible.
I think it also depends on what you are used to if your friend is a self contained family unit with very little help from family then it is different and you get used to the 24/7 nature very quickly. I didn't want time away from my 2 til they were over 1 but that's just me and we don't have any family nearby.

TropicalTrama · 09/09/2023 09:58

Your arrangement sounds great! Honestly I’d feel a bit sorry for her. She’s either suffering with crippling anxiety and/or her DH is a very different person behind closed doors. Whatever it is she’s clearly not ok.

Merryoldgoat · 09/09/2023 09:59

VisionsOfSplendour · 09/09/2023 09:52

That doesn't make sense, the friend is choosing to not have her baby away from her not being forced to. What would she be jealous of?

You don't need to spend every moment with your baby, it's personal choice, why does it matter if your friend makes a different choice?

Show quote history

Is that faux naivety?

Surely it’s not beyond your understanding that someone who covets something someone else has often pretends it’s undesirable.

hot2trotter · 09/09/2023 09:59

I wouldn't do it, but then again all mine were BF on demand and they cluster fed for hours every evening. Once they started solids and could go longer between feeds that was fine.

In your situation, FF, I'd say it's fine and enjoy the break.

MumUndone · 09/09/2023 10:00

Sounds brilliant, crack on.

Jevwaypock · 09/09/2023 10:00

Ignore your friend you’re doing nothing wrong. It’s 2-3 hours! You get a break, DH gets a break - baby gets time with GP’s win win all round! Enjoy your lovely hot bath and book! X

whatausername · 09/09/2023 10:00

I think it's wonderful that your child is part of such a supportive loving family and also that you're mental wellness is being prioritised by you and your partner.

Original poster
newmum002 · 09/09/2023 10:00

@TropicalTrama I may have a chat with her on the quiet and ask if she's okay and let her know she can always talk to me if she needs to (she knows this already, we've seen each other through a lot) but I don't know how to say that to her after that awkward conversation without causing offence/suggesting she's anxious etc. I hate this because we've honestly never had a fall out or bad words in the 22 years we've been friends. I feel very awkward!

OP posts:
DrMarshaFieldstone · 09/09/2023 10:02

Your friend has some issues and you should avoid using her a benchmark for your parenting decisions.

Original poster
newmum002 · 09/09/2023 10:02

Also, her parents are very very hands on with their Grandchildren. Her brother has triplets in school who her parents pick up every day, they are just the loveliest family and I know they are really involved with her little one too.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 09/09/2023 10:02

It s great ! Enjoy your break

Mariposista · 09/09/2023 10:03

Sounds like you have a lovely arrangement where everyone is happy.
Your friend is batshit crazy and possessive. Hopefully that relationship won't last.

Plumful · 09/09/2023 10:03

Focus on what works for you and stop telling your friend everything.

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