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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To "let" DH take 15 week old baby out???

359 replies

newmum002 · 09/09/2023 09:37

Hi

I feel like I'm going insane and now I'm questioning everything.

My DH is a great Dad, hands on and adores our DD. She is 15 weeks old and a few times, when he plays football on a Tuesday night he offers to drop her at his Mum's on the way and pick her up on the way back so that I can have 2-3 hours of time to myself.

He passes his Mum's and they love spending time with her and they regularly come to see her and spend time with her, they've always said they will have her whenever for us when they're home from work.

I told a friend about this and said the last 3 weeks she has gone to Nan & Grandads for a few hours (6-9pm), that I have a nice long bath or shower and maybe read for a little bit or watch something on Netflix and she looked at me like I was mad and said that there is no way she'd "let" her partner take their one year old out for a few hours without her, let alone the baby being without the Dad too, that she is too young to be away from either parents at 15 weeks old for the 2 hours he is gone to play football.

It's really playing on my mind and now I'm wondering whether I am being unkind to our DD by leaving her for some time with her Grandparents so that I can have a couple of hours to relax. DD is my whole world and we spend 99% of the time together and suddenly I feel really guilty.

Grandparents send me a photo or video of her smiling or playing with one of the toys they've got for her at their house and always say she is a joy to have.

This is my first baby, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and loved it, now I'm wondering if she's too young? Friend has made me doubt myself.

OP posts:
inamarina · 09/09/2023 12:35

TheBarbieEffect · 09/09/2023 10:37

Your only child is 15 weeks old… if you’re clamouring for “me time” and palming off the baby already then something isn’t right 🤷‍♀️

It’s not healthy for your baby. She doesn’t realise she’s a separate person from you yet, and she cannot bond with grandparents yet either.

So in her mind she’s just being left with complete randomers and wondering if she’ll ever see her parents again (because she doesn’t yet have object permanence).

Mumsnet is an anomaly. You’ll have a thread full of people telling you it’s fine, but you’ll find most people in real life wouldn’t leave their baby so young.

Show quote history

You sound quite judgmental.

Original poster
newmum002 · 09/09/2023 12:42

@GrinAndVomit both of her Grandfathers would and are more than capable of looking after DD alone.

Maybe men are bad in your world, I've been lucky to have great men in my life. My husband, Dad, Grandads, my in laws etc and I'm grateful for that. I don't need to raise my bar, trust me, if I felt like DH wasn't pulling his weight I'd pull him up on it but he does, always has done and we work as a team. I'm not interested in any more of your "picking men apart" campaign. We are fine, your opinion doesn't matter to me because it's nothing to do with what I've posted this thread about.

OP posts:
inamarina · 09/09/2023 12:42

HereForTheFreeLunch · 09/09/2023 10:56

Sounds like your baby is surrounded by people who love her and care for her.
Mum, Dad, Grandparents...
A happy and relaxed mum and a happy and contented baby. That's just the best! Enjoy your time together, your friend is bonkers.

That’s what it sounds like to me too 🙂
Strange how the friend (and a couple of posters on here) seem determined to criticise a perfectly reasonable and mutually beneficial setup.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2023 12:44

I went back to work full time at 12 weeks. Of course it's ok for the other parent to take his child somewhere at 15 weeks.

I don't know why someone would have children with someone they either don't trust or someone they also treat like a child.

TurkeyLurkey4 · 09/09/2023 12:44

Your friend sounds a bit crackers. Your setup sounds lovely and it clearly works well for everyone. You have a great relationship with your in-laws. It gives you and your DH some precious time to yourselves. Don’t be guilted into giving something up that you’re happy with.

cardibach · 09/09/2023 12:45

@GrinAndVomit I’ve checked again. It doesn’t even say he offers to ‘take’ her. It says he offers to ‘drop her’ at grandparents (not grandmother - both are referenced) so you’re not only fixating in a word out of context, you’re inventing the word!
If you read the OPs posts he does what appears to be a very fair amount of childcare when he’s not at work. Normal care and playing, plus taking charge when OP is out (eg for hair or nail appointments - as examples, I see no reason to think this is a complete list).
Like I said, it is often the case that men get praised for doing the minimum. In this case not only is there no suggestion this man does the bare minimum but nobody is praising him for it anyway!

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 09/09/2023 12:51

Your 'friend' is crackers for not letting her husband (the child's equal parent) to take their 1 year old out without her!
What an awful relationship they must have! I trust my husband completely just as he trusts me to care for our daughter.

At 15 weeks I didn't want to be away from my daughter, parents and parents in law totally capable of looking after her and I trust them but I didn't want to be away. Husband when home from work parented equally then. (Obviously I done more of the night feeds as he had to work) but I would never judge someone who has done what you have done in your situation.
Everyone is different.

I do judge your friend though!

Meadowflower2023 · 09/09/2023 12:54

@TheBarbieEffect
Actually research has shown that staying close to your baby creates a secure attachment that enables them to be independent toddlers.

Do you have a link for this? I'd say it means generally as in 3 out of 168 hours per week will do zero harm. Obviously OP is with the baby the vast majority of the time and I cannot believe you really think that at nearly 4 months old a child needs to be 'staying close' to its mum 24/7.

Cosyblankets · 09/09/2023 12:57

I feel sorry for some dads .
They can't win. They go to work and need a breather when they get in.... they should be doing more. They do 50 % of the care for the baby.... do they want a medal?
The OP set up here sounds like a perfectly happy family with a very contented baby and lovely grandparents.
Definitely some green eyed monsters on this thread!
Enjoy your bath OP!

Lifeomars · 09/09/2023 12:58

How lovely for everyone in your family, your daughter is spending time with people who adore her and you are getting a break. I never knew any of my grandparents, (all but one were dead before I was born and the remaining one lived on another continent). Seeing the bond my child had with my mum was such a wonderful thing, they both doted on each other, it is a very special relationship. This set up is just great and a total win all round

zingally · 09/09/2023 13:02

It says more about your friend and her choice in partners than it does about you!

Of course it's fine for a nearly 4mo to go and spend a couple of hours being worshipped by her grandparents.

And it's DEFINITELY okay for her to go out with her father!!

Your friend sounds mad.

Clefable · 09/09/2023 13:03

My husband has had both of our girls on his own from day 1. Because he's their parent.

Sounds like a brilliant set-up, OP! Lovely for your little girl to be able to see a grandparent so often too.

JudgeJ · 09/09/2023 13:03

she looked at me like I was mad and said that there is no way she'd "let" her partner take their one year old out for a few hours without her

No doubt the friend expects her partner to do 'his share' of the house and childcare when it meets her demands, on top of doing another job. It's no wonder that some men fail to create a good relationship with his child with such selfish controlling women as she is!

50ftQueenieee · 09/09/2023 13:04

I think this is a lovely set up, you get a break and baby gets to build bonds and relationships with her grandparents. GPs keep in touch so that's reassuring for you. It's healthy for babies to spend time with family members and it's not as though it's for hours and hours without parents. I'm sure if she wasn't happy you'd know and you'd rethink this if necessary. Enjoy the break to re charge and have a cuppa without it going cold.

Clefable · 09/09/2023 13:05

Our antenatal group had our first meal out when the babies were 12 weeks, with dads looking after them. The three month mark is a bit of a milestone I think in being able to get back some time to yourself when you're emerging from that intense newborn bubble.

inamarina · 09/09/2023 13:06

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/09/2023 11:17

im bemused by the outrage some posters having re the dad playing football!

are you supposed to completely let yourself go and get all unfit when you’re a parent?! How unattractive

Agree.
To some people, whatever the dad does, is wrong and not enough.
To others, it’s the mum who has to completely sacrifice herself in order to be considered a good parent.
Both wrong in my opinion.

Tinkerbyebye · 09/09/2023 13:06

Your friend is nuts. Your baby is fine, she is with people who love her and it gives you break, which is better for baby

sounds to me tha5 she is jealous as her partner doesn’t support in this way

Livingabroad12 · 09/09/2023 13:09

This sounds amazing! We live away from our family so don’t have this option, but if my lovely in-laws lived close by, I would absolutely jump at this. Enjoy the couple of hours to yourself xx

Biscuitsneeded · 09/09/2023 13:09

Starlightstarbright2 · 09/09/2023 09:49

I was a childminder I had babies as young as 6 weeks because parents needed to go to work .. socialising is really good for kids .. it’s one thing that is very apparent from lockdown.

one other thing to add - there are many , many ways to raise a child - very few wrong (abuse/neglect).. everyone suddenly thinks they have the right to an opinion on your parenting - trust your gut and do it your way.

a couple of hours to yourself whilst your baby is safe and well cared for - struggle to see any issue.

As a teacher I frequently deal with anxious older children. It strikes me that these are often those who were kept at home with mum, didn't do much socialising, didn't get sleepovers at friends or relatives' houses etc. The above post is spot on.

OP, your set-up sounds great, your DH sounds involved and together you are giving your baby a loving and secure home from which a confident and resilient child will grow, especially as she is offered chances to be with trusted and loved people other than her own parents.

user1471538283 · 09/09/2023 13:10

When my DS was younger than your DD my DF would jump at any opportunity to spend time with him. As a result he and my DF were very close.

My DF was often alone with me. Because he was as much (if not more) a parent as my DM.

Your friend sounds jealous. She is your DD and you and your DH do as you see fit.

ihadamarveloustime · 09/09/2023 13:12

Your friend is ridiculous.

I used to have a couple of hours to myself at weekends when my DH would take the baby/children to his parents for a visit. Normal and natural and helpful to have some 'you' time.

Wetandhorrible · 09/09/2023 13:15

Your friend is one or all of the following:

  1. Anxious
  2. a sh!t stirrer
  3. an idiot.

Please don't give it another thought

whynotwhatknot · 09/09/2023 13:17

the phrase let him jumped out at me-she has noright to stop him-and being a matyr saying she only needs 15 minutes and is enough is bull

Spottywombat · 09/09/2023 13:17

You all sound lovely. Crack on. 😊

Dogslife25 · 09/09/2023 13:18

Your friend need to get a grip!! Never feel guilty for taking time for yourself, your baby is spending precious time with her grandparents, I was way overprotective with my first and paid for it in the end, now I wish someone could have taken her for a few hours once a week. it will make her a more confident person