To "let" DH take 15 week old baby out???

[newmum002]

Hi

I feel like I'm going insane and now I'm questioning everything.

My DH is a great Dad, hands on and adores our DD. She is 15 weeks old and a few times, when he plays football on a Tuesday night he offers to drop her at his Mum's on the way and pick her up on the way back so that I can have 2-3 hours of time to myself.

He passes his Mum's and they love spending time with her and they regularly come to see her and spend time with her, they've always said they will have her whenever for us when they're home from work.

I told a friend about this and said the last 3 weeks she has gone to Nan & Grandads for a few hours (6-9pm), that I have a nice long bath or shower and maybe read for a little bit or watch something on Netflix and she looked at me like I was mad and said that there is no way she'd "let" her partner take their one year old out for a few hours without her, let alone the baby being without the Dad too, that she is too young to be away from either parents at 15 weeks old for the 2 hours he is gone to play football.

It's really playing on my mind and now I'm wondering whether I am being unkind to our DD by leaving her for some time with her Grandparents so that I can have a couple of hours to relax. DD is my whole world and we spend 99% of the time together and suddenly I feel really guilty.

Grandparents send me a photo or video of her smiling or playing with one of the toys they've got for her at their house and always say she is a joy to have.

This is my first baby, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and loved it, now I'm wondering if she's too young? Friend has made me doubt myself.

I went back to work around 14 weeks with my first. I got to 12 weeks and it was clear it wasn’t going to work. I loved them dearly but they were an extremely non-problematic, dull baby and slept through the night with a 6/7 hour stretch from 6 weeks. Literally a small step up from a pot plant on the ladder of boredom. My work involved habitual sleep deprivation and I probably got more sleep in that 12 weeks than any time during the previous 12 years. I hate rodents but recall sitting there one day wishing a rabid mouse would get into the house as at least it would be ‘something’. Much better for baby to have mum working than swinging from the rafters in preference to dying from boredom. So DH gave notice and then I returned to work. He got a job so we could work opposite days/shifts so someone was always home. I breastfed and when I wasn’t there expressed, and DH would try and bring baby in for a feed if shifts ran over, or whatnot, otherwise he would give expressed milk in a bottle.

I took longer with subsequent kids, as a baby and toddler/s together is not dull🤣, and I had one with high needs, extensive inpatient status so not dull at all. My first and I probably have the closest relationship in that we pretty much always know what the other is thinking in any situation and they have done well during childhood and adult life so doesn’t seem like something that had any ill effect. Personally, can’t see any issue whatsoever in OP’s scenario.

What does it even matter? How often does the mother in law look after the baby by herself then?
Why are you so determined to pick holes in her family’s perfectly reasonable setup?

You do know in some countries most women are back at work at 12 weeks not by choice. It’s not ideal but all the babies I know are still very happy and love their parents / have a good bond.

Your baby is close to 4 months old, of course she can be looked after by others and of course her father should be able to care for her without you there.

Your friend is a gate-keeping mum and has probably made a rod for her own back with her parenting style. There are sadly lots of mums who do this and lots of literature out there that can be spun to justify this idea that infants should not spend any time away from mother in the first year even though that is clearly bonkers.

These gate keeping mums then come on here complaining about the lack of time and effort their kid's dad's & wider family spend on said child. Well if you guard your kid like the crown jewels then people get bored and move on. They won't bother because you don't let them and then you have no right to complain. This is what might happen to your friend in the future.

I didn’t do this but only because my PILs couldn’t be less interested in our children.

If my children had had grandparents who wanted to spend time with them, I’d have done everything I could to facilitate it. I think it’s a really wonderful thing for a child to have a close bond with grandparents.

It sounds like she has some issues with anxiety but it’s quite cruel of her to pass this on to you. Your DD is clearly happy spending time with grandparents and if you had any concerns she wasn’t you would stop. It’s actually really healthy to spend a little time having a real rest and gut your DD to be comfortable with other family.
I recently had to have surgery and thought my DH took over the majority of the childcare my Mum so helped out. As my baby is used to spending time with her and my DH without me (for a few hours) this was fine. It would have been an even more stressful time otherwise!

Exactly.
It’s the same with men’s jobs/ career choices:
According to some MN posters, when a man doesn’t work, he’s a cocklodger, when he works in some regular, not particularly demanding job, he’s not ambitious enough, and when he is in higher/ top management, he gets a sneery: ‘Oh, the very important man, with his big, very important job!’ It’s so silly.
Each family is different, and if a setup works well for everyone involved, there’s no need to criticise from the outside.

Your friend is bonkers, as is @GrinAndVomit

You have what is unusual on MN, a normal family with normal relationships!

Sounds like a win win win to me!

Omg this is madness - when I went back to work my DD was 9 months old and her dad looks after her every Thursday on his non working day! When she was diddy he used to take her for a walk into town and get a coffee whilst I slept. He is as much her parent as I am and needs to be trusted as such. Ignore anyone that has anything bad to say about this - they are likely jealous. Enjoy the peace! X

Your friend is jealous. Hell, even I’m jealous!

Nobody's saying you can't have an opinion but you're going off on tangents on things that aren't being said, getting questioned on them, and then you keep pivoting other angles each time someone points out you're miscontruing what has been said to try and get people to have a go at OPs DH when there's no evidence he's doing something wrong.

You enjoy your little break for the less than 2% of the week that your baby isn’t with you.
I have raised my children with a variety of people involved, myself and partner, both sets of grandparents, great grandparents and aunties/uncles. I think they strongly benefit from having more than just one or two parents in their lives. That being said, I have next to no feelings on others who choose to do it differently, whether it’s because they don’t have that option or have chosen not to. I think your friend should have kept her opinion to herself, but never mind.
I’m confused by the ‘men’ comments - my youngest is looked after by my fil 1.5 days per week, every week. My eldest was too, they adore him and him them. I can’t understand why him being male would mean he couldn’t look after them properly. Women can be shit at looking after kids too 🙄
And much to a lot of people’s shock, my partner will be taking my children away for a week with his parents and siblings without me. I couldn’t get the time off and to be honest am quite looking forward to a week to myself. Shoot me now!

Totally agree with this.

Sounds a perfect set up. Win win for all of you. Your husband gets to play football, your baby gets to spend time with her grandparent who adore her, her grandparents get to dote on her and you get a well deserved and well needed break just for you. You’re doing nothing wrong at all. Enjoy!

Fuck me. When mine were babies I chucked them like rugby balls at anyone willing to take them for ten minutes.

Yanbu. He's their father. He's every bit as much the parent as you are. Your friend is being silly.

Your friend is the odd one.

I wouldn't do it either certainly not at that age main reason because I ebf and neither child has ever had a bottle (I tried with expressed) but I wouldn't judge someone who does this, I'm envious if anything I wish my mum was here to have my babies on occasion x

Your in laws sound great, it's lovely that you have trustworthy, dependable family and you shouldn't let her cloud that

I went back to work when my youngest was 6 weeks old as I hadn't been in the job long enough to qualify for maternity pay but my husband had our son and 3yr old daughter and managed just fine it was quality time for him to spend with them. Not sure why your friend thinks it's strange for your little one to go to grandparents who will cherish the time with your daughter -ignore and enjoy!

Do you know what @newmum002? Your martyr mummy friend is green as grass with envy. Just discount everything she says.

I definitely wouldn’t have done that with mine at that age. I didn’t think i needed that time to myself though and i breastfed so I don’t know if that matters. They never took their feed from bottles either. I do tell friends with young babies to take any help they can though

Give it a rest honestly and quit with the cod baby attachment theories. Babies don’t need to be with the principal care giver 100% of the time to create secure attachment. There’s nothing wrong with what OP is doing and nothing wrong with being with your baby 100% of the time either but quit the judgment. Mums still remain people in their own right even when their only child is only 15 weeks old and are still entitled to look after their own needs and wants. She’s hardly neglecting her baby ffs.

Mine are teens now so I’m long over being offended by competitive parenting bullshit but stop sticking the boot into other people who are doing nothing wrong just to make yourself feel better.

Also some women have PND and May need time away from their babies to assist with their own recovery and wellbeing but fuck that eh, let’s keep on with the sticking the boot in and judgement. Unpleasant