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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To "let" DH take 15 week old baby out???

359 replies

newmum002 · 09/09/2023 09:37

Hi

I feel like I'm going insane and now I'm questioning everything.

My DH is a great Dad, hands on and adores our DD. She is 15 weeks old and a few times, when he plays football on a Tuesday night he offers to drop her at his Mum's on the way and pick her up on the way back so that I can have 2-3 hours of time to myself.

He passes his Mum's and they love spending time with her and they regularly come to see her and spend time with her, they've always said they will have her whenever for us when they're home from work.

I told a friend about this and said the last 3 weeks she has gone to Nan & Grandads for a few hours (6-9pm), that I have a nice long bath or shower and maybe read for a little bit or watch something on Netflix and she looked at me like I was mad and said that there is no way she'd "let" her partner take their one year old out for a few hours without her, let alone the baby being without the Dad too, that she is too young to be away from either parents at 15 weeks old for the 2 hours he is gone to play football.

It's really playing on my mind and now I'm wondering whether I am being unkind to our DD by leaving her for some time with her Grandparents so that I can have a couple of hours to relax. DD is my whole world and we spend 99% of the time together and suddenly I feel really guilty.

Grandparents send me a photo or video of her smiling or playing with one of the toys they've got for her at their house and always say she is a joy to have.

This is my first baby, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and loved it, now I'm wondering if she's too young? Friend has made me doubt myself.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 09/09/2023 11:43

It sounds very normal to me.

Your in laws sound womderful, what a great blessing.

So lovely for you to be able to have down time knowing your baby is in such a loving place.

Don't doubt yourself.

Be wary of anyone telling you what feels good, is not ok.

Real friends don't do that, so be wary.

She may be anxious but if you notice a pattern of criticism of your choices, be very wary.

GiddyUpJingleHorse · 09/09/2023 11:45

Absolutely bonkers. I slept at my grandparents house every Saturday night as a child starting from age 6 weeks. I have nothing but precious happy memories from those times.

ZadocPDederick · 09/09/2023 11:45

She wouldn't let her one year old child's father take her out on his own? Seriously she's got problems. You need to suggest gently to her that she gets help.

LucyMay33 · 09/09/2023 11:46

I think that sounds lovely, ignore your friend. We did/ do similar things from when our son was about 3 months old. The odd show in evening (granparent looked after at ours) or to watch football on a Sat we’d take him over. It’s lovely for family to spend time and create a bond with their grandchild. Our son loves spending time with grandparents and never has any separation anxiety. I got some looks when I said he was staying with granny from Fri-Sun as we were going to a wedding at other end of country - he was 11 months old!! He’s now 1 and just started nursery. They commented on how confident he was with them which I attribute to him not being glued to me or my partner 24/7! It helps their development, creates bonds and we have a very happy, confident and independent little boy.
Everyone is different and you should do what works for you and your family. It seems your set up gives everyone the best of both worlds and it’s important to have you/couple time. Ignore what anyone says!

trulyunruly01 · 09/09/2023 11:47

I see nothing wrong in you having a few child free hours, whether that's a friend sitting with baby during the day whilst you go and have your hair done, or your dh dropping baby into an environment you are totally happy with for a few hours.
I think talk of your dh not parenting his own child is a bit of a red herring, and trying to make an issue where there is none. ILs are ready and willing to have baby for a few hours and you are satisfied baby is safe. It so happens that dh passes their house on his way to his hobby. It's convenience. There is nothing to say that aside from these few hours a week when BOTH parents are enjoying their own time that parenting is not 50/50.

jolaylasofia · 09/09/2023 11:48

what??? this is stupid. my son was with his grandparents all day 3 times a week at that age because i had to go back to work. your friend is nuts

InSpainTheRain · 09/09/2023 11:48

This seems a great arrangement- your friend seems to have anxiety. You're not doing anything wrong!

Fallingthroughclouds · 09/09/2023 11:50

megletthesecond · 09/09/2023 09:43

What's weird is that your DH is getting an evening to himself and passing his DD to his parents to look after. It is genuinely lovely that you have nice PIL's though.

When is your chance to do some gentle activity and when does he parent his child alone?

When will people stop jumping on the bad dad wagon? If there were issues maybe she would post about that and ask for advice, then you could could start digging....if you really must. From the info we have he's done nothing wrong, I wish people would stop looking for problems, are you now hoping she questions her relationship and his fathering skills? People picking holes in strangers lives makes me uneasy, seems self serving.

LetMeEnfoldYou · 09/09/2023 11:50

PonkyPonky · 09/09/2023 11:41

I would not have done this. I didn’t leave DS until he was 1. But everyone does things their own way. There’s nothing wrong with my way or your way or any of the ways in between.

Ever? No trip to Tesco, no haircut, no being in a different room for an hour or two while the other parent looks after them?

NalafromtheLionKing · 09/09/2023 11:50

Nonsense. You are encouraging a close bond between your DD and her grandparents who clearly adore her and it’s only for a couple of hours at a time (you are hardly going away on holiday and leaving her behind!). Sounds like great parenting to me.

PonkyPonky · 09/09/2023 11:52

LetMeEnfoldYou · 09/09/2023 11:50

Ever? No trip to Tesco, no haircut, no being in a different room for an hour or two while the other parent looks after them?

Show quote history

Nope none of those things. I liked it that way, I didn’t want to be away from him and there was no need to. He was also EBF so I couldn’t have anyway even if I wanted to

Howdidtheydothat · 09/09/2023 11:53

yanbu
1.Reason not to …if the grandparents were unreliable or unsuitable environment to care for themn

Reasons for

  1. you Dc gets to build a loving relationship with GP
  2. your Gp will build a loving relationship
  3. it will be highlight of gp week, your relationship with them will be +++
  4. you are setting you and DH up for options longer periods of childcare , you will trust they can care for DC
  5. at some point , you may need emergency care and will know who you can rely on
  6. when dc starts school, they may like to continue the once weekly babysitting and collect them for you
  7. you are lucky to have DGP nearby, reap the benefits for all of you x
Original poster
newmum002 · 09/09/2023 11:53

Again, thanks everyone.

I agree that I need to not doubt my own decisions on what's best for our baby/me.

I have suffered depression and anxiety and take a low dose anti depressant every day but I've genuinely never been happier (or more exhausted!) than since I gave birth to our miracle girl. She really is the best thing to ever happen to me and I do know deep down that I'm a good Mum but that guilt creeps in when somebody questions your parenting style as a first time parent, after we waited so many years to have her etc I'm a bit of a fraud in the confidence department and probably seem super confident but internally I fret over small things and I don't want to pass this on to her. I want her to be happy, independent, truly confident in who she is and the decisions she makes when she is older.

We are lucky that she has wonderful grandparents who are near and who she is safe with and loved so much. Like I said, I had a beautiful bond with my Grandparents and the memories are all I have now since they passed.

I will try and not let opinions on parenting make me doubt myself.

FWIW, my friend is a great Mum and I adore them both. I won't mention anything to her as don't want to cause any upset, I'll just let it go and hope she doesn't say anything else about it.

OP posts:
speakout · 09/09/2023 11:57

Sounds a great setup.

Not one I would have done myself though.

Mistressanne · 09/09/2023 11:59

You sound very sensible and caring OP.
And unusually for mumsnet you have a good relationship with your in-laws.
Your baby can never have too many people who love her.
Trust your instincts and forget what your df said, perhaps she’s a bit anxious.

NM12345 · 09/09/2023 11:59

PonkyPonky · 09/09/2023 11:52

Nope none of those things. I liked it that way, I didn’t want to be away from him and there was no need to. He was also EBF so I couldn’t have anyway even if I wanted to

Show quote history

no being in a different room for an hour or two while the other parent looks after them?

Unless your single parent, or living with an abusive/useless father,(which if that's the case, why?) that's batshit crazy.

LakeTiticaca · 09/09/2023 12:00

Your friend is a tit.
You are getting a couple of hours to yourself and your child is forming a strong bond with grandma and grandad.
What's not to like?

Spinningcats · 09/09/2023 12:01

Your friend is a loon. It’s a much your partner’s baby as yours. And nothing wrong at all with someone else looking after them for a couple of hours. Enjoy every second!

PonkyPonky · 09/09/2023 12:01

NM12345 · 09/09/2023 11:59

no being in a different room for an hour or two while the other parent looks after them?

Unless your single parent, or living with an abusive/useless father,(which if that's the case, why?) that's batshit crazy.

Show quote history

Different room in the house yes (didn’t see that part) but it’s not batshit crazy to devote yourself to your baby. It’s judgemental at to say that about someone with a different parenting style to you

KayohB · 09/09/2023 12:02

Nothing to add but I just wanted to say that it seems like you have a really lovely balance going on that will be healthy and happy for you all.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 09/09/2023 12:03

Comments like this really piss me off. So many parents have no choice but to leave their child younger and for longer.

Her not yet leaving her baby is a privilege and not a human right.

Unfortunately OP, so many people will make judgements on your parenting choices - this is just the beginning.

Cosyblankets · 09/09/2023 12:03

You get some down time.
Baby learns to not be dependent on you.
Dad gets some exercise.
Baby gets parents that are more relaxed and not at the end of their tether.
Grandparents get quality time with the baby.
Win all round i say

Orangebadger · 09/09/2023 12:05

Really try hard to ignore all those opinions that create self doubt. Your friend has her opinion and set up and that's fine. But for me what you are doing is absolutely perfect!! You get time to relax, your DH gets to do something he loves, and your PIL and baby get to spend quality time together and develop what I believe is truly the most magical relationship of all, with loving grandparents. It's just perfect and it works for you all. Just ignore all those criticisms as they'll come thick and fast now you're a parent!

Plumful · 09/09/2023 12:07

PonkyPonky · 09/09/2023 11:41

I would not have done this. I didn’t leave DS until he was 1. But everyone does things their own way. There’s nothing wrong with my way or your way or any of the ways in between.

You didn’t have any time to yourself, a haircut, a dentist appointment, a KIT day, a coffee with a friend, a date with your partner for an entire year?

NM12345 · 09/09/2023 12:08

PonkyPonky · 09/09/2023 12:01

Different room in the house yes (didn’t see that part) but it’s not batshit crazy to devote yourself to your baby. It’s judgemental at to say that about someone with a different parenting style to you

Show quote history

That was the only aspect I was picking up on. Not being able to go into another room for an hour, is batshit. Not being judgemental at all, that's bloody mad.

Being devoted to your baby is subjective, is someone who has to go back to work less devoted than someone who can afford to be a SAHM? NO.

Your version of devotion, is just your own, just as mine is.

I would never judge one parent style over another, unless it seemed unhealthy, and never leaving your baby side, even for an hour is batshit. Never allowing some me time on your own is crazy too, never allowing the father some one on one alone time is pretty unhealthy too. BUT that's just my humble opinion.