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Original poster

To "let" DH take 15 week old baby out???

359 replies

newmum002 · 09/09/2023 09:37

Hi

I feel like I'm going insane and now I'm questioning everything.

My DH is a great Dad, hands on and adores our DD. She is 15 weeks old and a few times, when he plays football on a Tuesday night he offers to drop her at his Mum's on the way and pick her up on the way back so that I can have 2-3 hours of time to myself.

He passes his Mum's and they love spending time with her and they regularly come to see her and spend time with her, they've always said they will have her whenever for us when they're home from work.

I told a friend about this and said the last 3 weeks she has gone to Nan & Grandads for a few hours (6-9pm), that I have a nice long bath or shower and maybe read for a little bit or watch something on Netflix and she looked at me like I was mad and said that there is no way she'd "let" her partner take their one year old out for a few hours without her, let alone the baby being without the Dad too, that she is too young to be away from either parents at 15 weeks old for the 2 hours he is gone to play football.

It's really playing on my mind and now I'm wondering whether I am being unkind to our DD by leaving her for some time with her Grandparents so that I can have a couple of hours to relax. DD is my whole world and we spend 99% of the time together and suddenly I feel really guilty.

Grandparents send me a photo or video of her smiling or playing with one of the toys they've got for her at their house and always say she is a joy to have.

This is my first baby, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and loved it, now I'm wondering if she's too young? Friend has made me doubt myself.

OP posts:
Nutterjacks · 09/09/2023 12:08

I'm guessing your friend isn't as fortunate as you and probably doesn't get time to herself. It's a jealousy issue.

You have a lovely set up with your in-laws. It's important for your baby to get to know and feel comfortable with them, and to be comfortable away from you.

Your dh sounds lovely too. Carry on and enjoy your time alone. 😊

Original poster
newmum002 · 09/09/2023 12:10

Also just to say, I know routines will change as she gets older and I know my in laws well enough to know I can say "no she can't come because she goes to bed at 7" for example and they will absolutely not take any offence.

At the minute she goes to bed around 9pm after a bottle and bath then one last bottle at 12 until 6am when she wakes up for another one so routine isn't an issue yet. I give her an early bath on a Monday ready to go so I can do bottle and cuddles or DH can and then bed.

OP posts:
honeybeetheoneandonly · 09/09/2023 12:11

OP did she question you or did she just state that she would never do it?
It's ok to have totally different approaches and opinions as long as you both understand you are happy with the way you do things. You really don't have to question yourself or take it to heart if someone said they would never ever do something you happily do or vice versa.

GrinAndVomit · 09/09/2023 12:12

cardibach · 09/09/2023 11:08

OP has already said this isn’t the only time he’s alone with the baby. Stop it.

Show quote history

I take issue with the phrase “he offers to take her” because he isn’t. The mother in law is.

I’m fed up of men getting a pat on the back for completing basic parenting tasks like bathing and feeding, all while under the supervision of a woman.

We need to raise the bar.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 09/09/2023 12:12

My friend is like your friend OP, and she is now confused why she has a needy, clingy difficult toddler who won't go to anyone. My other friend who is like you had great kids who are chilled out, not anxious and have healthy relationships with extended family. All this cotton wool "I can't be apart from my child for more than 2 hours" is surely doing the children no good?

Moveoverdarlin · 09/09/2023 12:13

Your friend is jealous I expect. If you trust and get in well with your in-laws this set up sounds ideal! Enjoy your free hours. It’s perfectly acceptable to do this at 15 weeks. Sounds like you have a decent husband, and kind in-laws, and she’s miffed.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/09/2023 12:15

It sounds a great idea. You are both getting free time and baby is happy with grandparents. Ignore your friend.

MaybeanothertimeNotReally · 09/09/2023 12:15

Your friend sounds jealous, controlling and probably has undiagnosed MH issues or PND.

Something I've learnt since I've had kids is that some people can be jealous of your life. They will try to jeopardise things instead of supporting you, just like your frenemy is doing. Be careful of people like this and don't tell them your plans, keep chats light & none child related. For some people everything is a competition.

BlowMyBubbles · 09/09/2023 12:16

So Dad gets to do his hobby, Mum gets time to herself to do as she pleases and grandparents get to happily dote on their granddaughter

NM12345 · 09/09/2023 12:17

LittleMissUnreasonable · 09/09/2023 12:12

My friend is like your friend OP, and she is now confused why she has a needy, clingy difficult toddler who won't go to anyone. My other friend who is like you had great kids who are chilled out, not anxious and have healthy relationships with extended family. All this cotton wool "I can't be apart from my child for more than 2 hours" is surely doing the children no good?

THIS!

ThnksfrthMmrs · 09/09/2023 12:17

It's her PFB. I was like this for a good few months with my first due to medical problems. When I had my second, I left DH with the baby as soon as feeds were less frequent so me and DC1 could go for tea and cake, I practically skipped out of the door, waving DH goodbye. It's a lovely little sense of freedom to be yourself again. I feel sad for your friend because she has an enormous weight on her shoulders and as soon as she lets go of the control a bit, she'll regain her sense of herself aside from being a mum.

Grmumpy · 09/09/2023 12:17

Jeez your child is nearly 4 months old. Of course she is fine with her dad and grandparents.

Womencanlift · 09/09/2023 12:19

Your friend will be starting their own thread in a few years complaining that either their child won’t settle for anyone else except her or be moaning that the GP’s have not bonded with their GC

Dixiechickonhols · 09/09/2023 12:21

Maternity leave here used to be 4 months not that long ago. It’s still less than that in USA.
You sound like you know what’s best don’t doubt yourself.

cardibach · 09/09/2023 12:21

GrinAndVomit · 09/09/2023 12:12

I take issue with the phrase “he offers to take her” because he isn’t. The mother in law is.

I’m fed up of men getting a pat on the back for completing basic parenting tasks like bathing and feeding, all while under the supervision of a woman.

We need to raise the bar.

Show quote history

It was about offering to take her to his parents’ (not specifically mother, incidentally) not offering to take her himself. You’re criticising something that was never said. He does have the baby alone regularly, both when the OP is in the house and when she goes out (an example of for a manicure was given). I agree lots of the time men are praised for things just expected of women in terms of child care, but that’s not happening here. Neither the husband nor the OP are claiming that he’s ‘taking’ the baby in the sense of providing care or that he’s doing anything he needs praise for. You’ve fixated on a word out of context.

PonkyPonky · 09/09/2023 12:25

LittleMissUnreasonable · 09/09/2023 12:12

My friend is like your friend OP, and she is now confused why she has a needy, clingy difficult toddler who won't go to anyone. My other friend who is like you had great kids who are chilled out, not anxious and have healthy relationships with extended family. All this cotton wool "I can't be apart from my child for more than 2 hours" is surely doing the children no good?

Pure speculation. I stayed with my baby for the first year and he’s grown up to be a perfectly normal, very sociable boy. Science has actually proven that healthy attachment with the main caregiver makes people more likely to be happy to be away from them when the time comes

CoreopsisEverywhere · 09/09/2023 12:29

Friend is weird

TheBarbieEffect · 09/09/2023 12:29

LittleMissUnreasonable · 09/09/2023 12:12

My friend is like your friend OP, and she is now confused why she has a needy, clingy difficult toddler who won't go to anyone. My other friend who is like you had great kids who are chilled out, not anxious and have healthy relationships with extended family. All this cotton wool "I can't be apart from my child for more than 2 hours" is surely doing the children no good?

Actually research has shown that staying close to your baby creates a secure attachment that enables them to be independent toddlers.

We never left my toddler with anyone else until she was 18 months. She’s now a confident, secure, happy almost 3 year old who loves to spend time with others and play with other children at playgroups etc.

Your friends toddler’s neediness is to do with their personality traits, nothing to do with not being left.

GrinAndVomit · 09/09/2023 12:30

PonkyPonky · 09/09/2023 12:25

Pure speculation. I stayed with my baby for the first year and he’s grown up to be a perfectly normal, very sociable boy. Science has actually proven that healthy attachment with the main caregiver makes people more likely to be happy to be away from them when the time comes

Show quote history

Ah don’t bother.
This is a ridiculous thread. God forbid you give your opinion on it.

Fallingthroughclouds · 09/09/2023 12:30

GrinAndVomit · 09/09/2023 12:12

I take issue with the phrase “he offers to take her” because he isn’t. The mother in law is.

I’m fed up of men getting a pat on the back for completing basic parenting tasks like bathing and feeding, all while under the supervision of a woman.

We need to raise the bar.

Show quote history

You need to get a grip and stop picking holes in other people's lives, it was a turn of phrase. He sounds like a lovely father. If your bar needs raising, raise it. Her's clearly doesn't.

GrinAndVomit · 09/09/2023 12:31

Fallingthroughclouds · 09/09/2023 12:30

You need to get a grip and stop picking holes in other people's lives, it was a turn of phrase. He sounds like a lovely father. If your bar needs raising, raise it. Her's clearly doesn't.

Show quote history

Because he baths her, feeds her and drops her off at his mums?
Yeah. He needs a medal.

JT69 · 09/09/2023 12:32

Ignore the “friend”. You are equal parents and it sounds like a lovely evening is has by all. I’d have given my right arm for this free time. Enjoy your little one.

inamarina · 09/09/2023 12:32

GrinAndVomit · 09/09/2023 10:33

He’s only taxiing her. He’s passing the childcare responsibility straight on to another woman. Quelle surprise.

This is ridiculous.
Honestly, it seems like to some posters on here, no matter how much a husband/ boyfriend/ father does, it’s never enough and never right.
And why are you assuming his passing the childcare responsibility onto another woman? OP said ‘grandparents’, not ‘grandma’.
And even if it was just the grandma, so what? If everyone is happy with the arrangement what’s the problem?

inamarina · 09/09/2023 12:34

GrinAndVomit · 09/09/2023 12:31

Because he baths her, feeds her and drops her off at his mums?
Yeah. He needs a medal.

Show quote history

He also works full time (or more) so OP can stay at home for at least the first year.

GrinAndVomit · 09/09/2023 12:35

inamarina · 09/09/2023 12:32

This is ridiculous.
Honestly, it seems like to some posters on here, no matter how much a husband/ boyfriend/ father does, it’s never enough and never right.
And why are you assuming his passing the childcare responsibility onto another woman? OP said ‘grandparents’, not ‘grandma’.
And even if it was just the grandma, so what? If everyone is happy with the arrangement what’s the problem?

Show quote history

Ok OP.
How often does your father in law look after the baby alone?