Friend goes weird on the school run

[Popcornlassie28]

I have been friends with someone for years and our children originally started in different schools but ended up moving house meaning our children then went to the same school.

My child originally had trouble settling and finding his place with the new children as he’s very shy and I also had a hard time settling with the parents. I would try and speak on the school run but often be blanked but thought nothing of it as it’s just the school run🤷‍♀️

Anyways, my friend is quite ‘in’ with the school parents and on collection she will be stood with her group talking on the playground and blank me? Only when other parents aren’t there she will speak to me? It’s like we don’t know each other but anywhere else she will speak to me?

I recently opened up to her about my child being left out of class parties and assumed maybe it was because he was still new and got forgotten about?

She tells me ‘You don’t want to be for everyone’ yet her child and her get invited to all class events outside of school and she sucks up to all of the parents to be involved.

She recently let slip about a large meet up in the holidays with most of the class and their parents but my son was not invited and I could see the panic on her face when she realised who she had said the information to.

If that were me and someone I knew (let alone a friend) and their child was joining the school I would be a bit more welcoming and introduce them on the playground rather than ignore them?

Am I being unreasonable?

Wow it’s actually sad to think grown women still act like children, and how fitting that it’s at the school gates 🙄 she sounds awful, focus on anyone BUT her, silly woman needs to grow up!

Omg so sorry wrong place

She sounds like a prize bitch op.
The behaviour from certain parents in the playground is diabolical.

I’m so glad mine are older now, and I don’t have to do the school run.

Wow… I’m with you @Popcornlassie28 , I’d have called my friend over and introduced her to all the other mums, I’d have asked my son to bring my friends son into his friendship group and make him feel welcomed.
I wonder if she’s insecure? Sounds desperate to be up the gates 40 minutes early just to ensure she’s not left out of chats!! It all sounds very childish and I think from here on in I would avoid her as much as possible… she’s no friend of yours and I’d say hello as you pass her by but apart from that I wouldn’t make any effort.
maybe your son could invite a friend round for a play date and when mum collects him you can suggest doing something together with the mum and boy like soft play at the weekend, or a kick around in the local park….
Is her son in your sons class? If not then maybe ask on the school page if there’s a group or WhatsApp chat just for his class… that way you can arrange your own meet ups in October half term or suggest a little Halloween get together if a small group wanted to trick or treat together … harder if her kid is in the same class and she’s been talking shot about you though… the fact there was a meet up and she didn’t invite you really suggests to me that she’s nothing more than a two faced cow who doesn’t deserve your friendship!!…. I’d be very hurt by that and I wouldn’t even bother to confront her… I would simply block her on social media and on your phone and just say hi as you stroll on by her …

I was so glad when my dd started secondary school and I didn't have to deal with the playground politics.

She's no friend, I agree with you op and other pp's that in her shoes I'd have invited you and tried to include you and your dd in any group activities. She doesn't sound like a nice person. Do you think maybe your dc is being excluded 'because' of her?

There seems to be a lot of projecting on this thread - calling the woman a bitch/posters confidentially saying she must be bad-mouthing the OP/speculating that she must have made up a false persona for herself etc. There are always 2 sides to every story and the fact the woman said that they didn't need to live in each other's pockets makes me wonder if the OP is quite a needy person, or her friend sees her as over-bearing. Or maybe it's just something as simple as the OP doesn't have much in common with her friend's friends and her friend knows it.

Is she really blanking you OP, or simply talking to someone else?
Is she 'sucking up' to the parents or just being friendly to people she gets along with?
Was your son actively not invited to the holiday meet-up, or was he not included as he is not part of a particular friendship group?

As for it being her responsibility to introduce you to other people, I'm not sure about that - she is not the school social secretary and by expecting her to do so you are making her the gate-keeper of the other mum's so just introduce yourself, and there must be other mums not part of this particular parental friendship group, so why not make a bee-line for them? Sounds like you - and I could be wrong - are yourself desperate to be part of the 'cool' crowd and are resentful that your friend is well established with these particular mums.

From reading threads on here it seems a lot of woman are overly invested in making a social life for themselves at the school gate. Someone once wrote on one of these threads to treat the other parents like colleagues rather than putting all your hopes on them being your new best friends, which I think was great advice. From my experience, the majority of people want to drop off or pick-up their kids, maybe have a bit of chit chat, and then go about their day. If friendships develop organically then that's great but these things take time, and are not reliant on someone else facilitating that for you as the OP seems to expect her friend to do.

Similar to what some others have already said, I suspect that she's been saying stuff about herself that's not entirely true to make herself look cooler, and being from her past, you know the truth and could shamefully reveal her bull.

There seems to be a lot of projecting on this thread - calling the woman a bitch/posters confidentially saying she must be bad-mouthing the OP/speculating that she must have made up a false persona for herself etc. There are always 2 sides to every story and the fact the woman said that they didn't need to live in each other's pockets makes me wonder if the OP is quite a needy person, or her friend sees her as over-bearing. Or maybe it's just something as simple as the OP doesn't have much in common with her friend's friends and her friend knows it.

In fairness, arriving at school drop off early every day - either because you have severe FOMO or can't bear to stand in the playground alone - hints at an outsized level of neediness which would seem to be the friend's particular hang-up, rather than OP's. That's all it's really possible to take from these posts: anything above that, speculation as to what she might have been gossiping about, etc., is a reach. And of course, calling other women 'bitches' is never okay.

Your last sentence made me smile. Our close friends are also close friends with another couple who we've never been allowed to meet. We holiday together - always separately, but from our friends' descriptions they sound like the kind of people we would bridle at: root-marching and organising the day's activities from dawn onwards! I'm quite convinced we'd end up murdering each other, and DH and I sometimes laugh with each other over the determination with which we are kept apart. We think our friends are very sensible!

OP,

She absolutely isn't your friend and I would think she has spoken badly about you.

As advised look carefully for other mums on the fringes and make friends there.

As for her, I would back away from her completely.

I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.

I think the best is you build your own circle - I did! You bring your son or pick him up and say a friendly hello to the people you see at the schoolgate. Put on you most irresistable smile 🤩 but don't force a conversation! You'll see, after a few days people will start to recognise you, great you back, small questions & conversations will follow soon enough, like "is your child in the same class as mine?" etc. Never-ever mention the "friend" who ignores you, she's not even there for you. You don't want áll of the schoolrunparents to fall all over you, all you need is a few nice persons to communicate with. Soon enough your son's social life will build up, as will yours 😊

In fairness, arriving at school drop off early every day - either because you have severe FOMO or can't bear to stand in the playground alone - hints at an outsized level of neediness which would seem to be the friend's particular hang-up, rather than OP's. That's all it's really possible to take from these posts: anything above that, speculation as to what she might have been gossiping about, etc., is a reach. And of course, calling other women 'bitches' is never okay.

This is the part of the OP's story I think she must be exaggerating for effect and/or to make her friend look deranged. Most schools don't even open their gates until 10 mins before the start or end of school, and I can't imagine the friend really drags her children to school every morning (I think the OP said 40mins early) to stand forlornly at a locked gate - can you imagine the level of moaning coming from the friend's kids if that was really happening! But if the friend does get there a bit early to 'mingle' then that's probably why she has got to know so many people. The OP by her own admission says she just gets there in time to pick up her son.

The OP can't have it both ways, she seems a bit sneery about her friend going early to spend time with the other mums, but won't make the effort herself. And the comment about her friend 'sucking up' to the other parents hints at the OP's bitterness or jealousy towards her friend. I would love to know the difference between the friend chatting to people she knows well, and sucking up to them - and how the OP comes to that conclusion!

If I were you I'd just go over whilst they are in their playground group and introduce myself. Chat about your house move and where you moved from. Ask about mums groups in the area. Play your "Freind" at her own game and blank her whilst you do this. Personally, she would be a "used to know" from now on anyway.Good luck!

it sounds very ‘Motherland’ if you haven’t watched it you should. It will give you a good laugh! Start giving this foolish woman the cold shoulder. Be civil but don’t make any extra effort with her. As your son continues to settle in he will make friends. Tap into his new friends parents and arrange litttle play dates or outings. As others have said the other mum’s will make their own minds up. If this woman asks what’s going on. Just say you’ve noticed she’s not made any effort to help you settle in or introduced you to people so you’ve had to move beyond her! Good luck. We moved and it took a full year and a half to make friends both my child and me.

100% agree with this approach.

I wouldn't get bogged down with thoughts of whether or not she has gossiped about you.

You say this is a friend? I would have a serious rethink about that.

Yes for what ever reason, she doesn’t want you tagging along.

Personally, I found the school gates exhausting and was glad to see the back of them. I had to spend hours with people I really didn’t want to, because mine was an only child and craved friends. It was hard work and I ended up falling out big time with one particular mother, because she took great offence at the way I invited her to a birthday party. (There was NO offence intended). If I were you I wd buck the trend and not bother with mother land. Dash in dash out! Take him to a club / clubs .. be in a massive hurry 😂 smile 😃 . Everyone hates the gates really.

On the positive side I made 2 genuine friends.

This! And the next time she 'generously' decides to give you the time of day at pick-up, I would (quite loudly) say:
'Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were supposed to ignore each other at the school gate'.

This person is NOT your friend. People only get away with treating others like this because they're never called out.

Glad your son is doing better.

Ugh, I used to hate this sort of school run nonsense and am glad I no longer have to deal with it. Your "friend" is a twat with low self esteem and has probably said something to the other mums about you unfortunately. Glad your boy has settled in 😊

Does your “friend” think she’s still at school herself? 😂 Honestly this sort of behaviour is pathetic.

I agree

Some people struggle with crossover in their lives and prefer to compartmentalise friendships. This woman isn’t responsible for the op’s school run friends, she needs to make connections of her own

If you see someone you know, even superficially, you acknowledge their existence, not blank them 😵‍💫

She is NOT your friend.

Op says that the friend blanks her when talking to someone else.
So sounds like she is either watching the friend or interrupting , trying to get her attention.
Both overbearing and rude.
Op also says she hasn't had much luck with other Mums so I wonder what the common denominator is?
Either all the mums are heinous witches or Ops social skills are off.
There is something called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria in which the person feels overwhelmed by feelings of rejection that isn't intended by the other person.
Realistically someone chatting to one mum isn't rejecting or blanking everyone else, they are chatting !

Exactly this. Honestly, all this 'people like to compartmentalise' and 'I have friends I prefer not to mix' is bullshit. That is not how a supposedly 'decent' human being treats someone.

Being nice to someone in one setting then literally blanking them in another is the very definition of two-faced!