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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Situation at home yesterday

329 replies

AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 13:29

Yesterday, H was raging. DD had borrowed his bike. He doesn’t like her using it but for no rational reason. She always looks after it and brings it home. He went ballistic. Im quite laid back, its not a problem to me. I said it was fine. H doesn’t use it.

Anyway all bloody night he was storming the house, he was drinking too. Such a bad mood. Told her off a couple of times, she mostly stayed out of his way. H swearing f-ing this and that. In front of all kids even the younger ones. I asked him to stop but he was in such a strop. Windows were open and all the village must have heard him.

when it came to bedtimes, i went to put younger kids to bed and he went to go downstairs. To watch TV. Still swearing and bumped into DD again. Typical teen interaction which wound him up. Anyway, she disappeared quickly and H slamming around with his dinner, could hear him swearing still as im in with the kid’s putting them to bed. Then he slams his empty dinner plate on the side, it smashes. Lots of noise. Then he grabs another beer and walks into the livingroom and slammed the door so hard, the whole house shook. What neighbourhood must have thought.

ive tried to talk to him today but i cant pin him down, he just walks off with air of hes done nothing wrong and its the rest of us.

its horrible living like this. Im trying to paper over the cracks, keeping the kids shielded from his moods but im seriously failing.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 13:29

DD is 14 btw

OP posts:
Cosycover · 08/09/2023 13:31

Of course your aren't unreasonable to be upset! He is acting like a spoiled man child.

Is this a one off thing?

I feel sorry for your DD being treated that way.

Do you want to leave him?

DysmalRadius · 08/09/2023 13:31

He sounds awful - I'm guessing this isn't unusual behaviour from him?

Janieforever · 08/09/2023 13:32

all in the wrong, him more so. But I’m not being sure she’s being taught how to behave at home.

she shouldn’t have borrowed without permission
his behaviour is beyond unacceptable.
you tiptoeing around him and accepting it is also poor behaviour.

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 08/09/2023 13:33

You backed up dd taking something that wasn't hers?

AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 13:36

Well she wanted to go out with friends. We live remotely and i was wfh but couldn’t give a lift as i was working to 5. I said it was fine. I dont see the issue. She’s responsible. H has probably used it probably 5 times in the past 10 years.

OP posts:
Jennalong · 08/09/2023 13:36

Total over reaction , yes if using the bike is a no go and your children know this , then agree a few strong words ( as in " I'm really angry you've done this when you know your not allowed ".
Then maybe a consequence like not allowed out to see friends the next day . But the prolonged shouting , swearing and breaking this , way ott .
Does he have anger problems ?
If yes things are only going to get worse as your dcs get to the teenage / showing more independence stage.

Jellycats4life · 08/09/2023 13:37

He’s a controlling, abusive prick.

He doesn’t even USE the bike?

catgirl1976 · 08/09/2023 13:37

DD should not have borrowed the bike without permission and you should not have been ok with that

However (and it’s a massive however). Your husband is an abusive arsehole. Swearing in front of you get children, smashing plates and making you feel like you are walking on egg shells (and this does not sound like a one off) is abuse

a rare LTB from me.

seriously. Talk to women’s aid or similar to get some perspective on how unacceptable his behaviour is

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 08/09/2023 13:38

Still wasn't yours to approve the use of...

museumum · 08/09/2023 13:38

His behaviour out of order. Totally.

But you and your dd are really not respecting his feelings about the bike. He shouldn’t have to accept her taking it without permission.

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 08/09/2023 13:40

Do you often undermine dh's parenting? Not having a go. My exh did absolutely no parenting whatsoever but got pissed off dc only listened to me.. Once and only once bathed 3 dc. Used baby oil as shampoo. Prob a tactic so he never got asked again.

Anothershitusername · 08/09/2023 13:41

Gosh ,your kids must be terrified,I know I was when my dad was like that ,still in therapy now oodles of years later

WhatNoRaisins · 08/09/2023 13:43

Does he have a drinking problem in general? His behaviour sounds really embarrassing for a grown man with responsibilities.

5128gap · 08/09/2023 13:44

If it helps OP, Every single aspect of his behaviour would be a deal breaker for me. From his meaness with his bike, to the swearing, the breaking of household items, the drinking, the sheer aggressive noise of the man. I'd not put up with any one of those things and neither should your DC. You're entitled to peace in your home not having it disturbed by a foul mouthed, foul tempered drunken apology for a man. I hope you are able to leave him. Life shouldn't be like thst.

missmollygreen · 08/09/2023 13:45

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Thepeopleversuswork · 08/09/2023 13:46

Technically your DD was in the wrong and there should have been consequences for her taking something that wasn't hers without permission.

BUT this is really a side issue. The elephant in the room here is that you're married to an abusive man baby who sounds as if he has an alcohol problem and has no emotional control.

You know what you have to do. Your kids will resent you from not removing this arsehole from their lives.

CherryMaDeara · 08/09/2023 13:47

Please get rid of him. My stomach was in knots just reading that. How much worse for your kids.

CantFindTheBeat · 08/09/2023 13:47

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She caused her husband to explode, smash a plate, get into a drunken rage, swear at all the children all day and have the entire family walking on eggshells??????

I think not.

OP - why is DD not allowed his bike? Does he share his things in general? It sounds like this isn't a one-off.

JanesBlond · 08/09/2023 13:47

Your DH sounds like a knob and shouldn’t behave like that and I would be seriously considering the future of the relationship, no one should have to live on eggshells.

However, you don’t have the right to give DD permission to use his bike. If this is a recurrent issue can you get her a cheap one of her own from marketplace or even freecycle?

PinkyFlamingo · 08/09/2023 13:48

Why are you subjecting your kids to this?

Olika · 08/09/2023 13:48

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This. Am not saying his man child behaviour is ok.

Canisaysomething · 08/09/2023 13:49

Totally wrong to borrow someone's things without asking.

Totally wrong to huff and puff and swear and smash a plate.

NotMyDayJob · 08/09/2023 13:49

Why is everyone focussing on the bike? She's 14 for fucks sake. If the worst she has done is borrow a bike he never even uses you're doing pretty well. Aside from anything the only appropriate response from him should be, I don't mind you borrowing the bike but next time ask me please.

And you said he bumps into her physically? Is he hurting her?

Honestly some of you need to have a word with yourselves.

Smartiepants79 · 08/09/2023 13:50

Both you and DD knew he doesn’t like her borrowing it so she should not have taken it.
His response however was not proportional or acceptable.