Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Situation at home yesterday

329 replies

AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 13:29

Yesterday, H was raging. DD had borrowed his bike. He doesn’t like her using it but for no rational reason. She always looks after it and brings it home. He went ballistic. Im quite laid back, its not a problem to me. I said it was fine. H doesn’t use it.

Anyway all bloody night he was storming the house, he was drinking too. Such a bad mood. Told her off a couple of times, she mostly stayed out of his way. H swearing f-ing this and that. In front of all kids even the younger ones. I asked him to stop but he was in such a strop. Windows were open and all the village must have heard him.

when it came to bedtimes, i went to put younger kids to bed and he went to go downstairs. To watch TV. Still swearing and bumped into DD again. Typical teen interaction which wound him up. Anyway, she disappeared quickly and H slamming around with his dinner, could hear him swearing still as im in with the kid’s putting them to bed. Then he slams his empty dinner plate on the side, it smashes. Lots of noise. Then he grabs another beer and walks into the livingroom and slammed the door so hard, the whole house shook. What neighbourhood must have thought.

ive tried to talk to him today but i cant pin him down, he just walks off with air of hes done nothing wrong and its the rest of us.

its horrible living like this. Im trying to paper over the cracks, keeping the kids shielded from his moods but im seriously failing.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
Chippy4me · 08/09/2023 14:38

Janiie · 08/09/2023 14:33

The bike is irrelevant.

He is an abusive arsehole op and you need to protect your kids from this toxic environment. It will cause them life long damage.

Absolutely this!!

I would never allow my DD to live in a home where she feels she needs to walk around on egg shells.

Britneyfan · 08/09/2023 14:40

I agree with people saying the bike is not the real issue here!! This is domestic abuse OP. Please get some support from Women’s Aid.

diddl · 08/09/2023 14:42

What neighbourhood must have thought.

Poor sods who live with that & I hope they get rid of him soon.

MikeRafone · 08/09/2023 14:43

Is he usually such a drama person over something which is not warranting such a fuss?

AbbeyGailsParty · 08/09/2023 14:43

Please don’t paper over the cracks. As you’ve said he has a drink problem ime that goes with control though I’m not sure which comes first. Your dd will be scared of him and your younger children will grow up learning about abuse.

You wouldn’t behave like this if your DD borrowed your makeup, or hairdryer, or your bike would you? His reaction is a sign of a deeper problem. Time for him to go.

Cakeandcardio · 08/09/2023 14:43

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 08/09/2023 13:33

You backed up dd taking something that wasn't hers?

Seriously?! So no child can ever borrow their father's item? Wouldn't want to live with you. Absolutely ridiculous that you are condoning abuse. I'm very shocked by this response.

ZadocPDederick · 08/09/2023 14:43

Give him an ultimatum - he gets help with his drinking and anger management counselling or else he gets out.

hohodumdum · 08/09/2023 14:44

he way I see it, the problem is two-fold. You didn't have the right to tell DD to take DH's bike. Especially since you knew he didn't want her using it. It doesn't matter if she 'brings it home fine' or 'he never uses it', the fact is that it is HIS. If he wanted to lock it up in the basement and never use it, that is his privilege. The other issue is his reaction to it. The first problem is a '4', his reaction to it is a '10'.

Wrong. Child needed transport, neither parent could drive, OP ABSOLUTELY can let child use any bike in the house, if she wants to. It doesn't matter if it's "his".

WinterDeWinter · 08/09/2023 14:45

This is abuse - of you, of your daughter, of your younger children.

You have a responsibility to protect them from this, by leaving. It can't be fixed. It's not your fault - unless you stay with him, in which case you are complicit and your children will not forget.

978q · 08/09/2023 14:46

If he's an alki, even a secret one get rid, next time it may not be plates or doors he smashes and bangs.

Original poster
AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 14:47

JANEY205 · 08/09/2023 14:28

Wtf do you care more about what the neighbors heard than what your own children were exposed to? Your DD is being bullied in her own home after YOU said she was ok to take the bike. I don’t see any part here where you were sticking up for her?

I did stick up for her. I told him id said it was ok and that she had 💯 track record for bringing it back in perfect condition.

OP posts:
KittyKingdom · 08/09/2023 14:49

It sounds like your husbands checked out of this family. Which is both of your rights to do but using your daughter to wind him up is unforgivable. You knew what his reaction would be (saying it doesn’t bother you doesn’t cut it) and now she’s having to deal with the consequences which sounds horrific if I’m honest. You should just leave each other and let the children have some peace.

Thewizardbinbag · 08/09/2023 14:49

AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 14:47

I did stick up for her. I told him id said it was ok and that she had 💯 track record for bringing it back in perfect condition.

Show quote history

You’re not listening. You’re acting like the kids are fine living like this coz you “told him.” It doesn’t stop his behaviour though, does it? They still have to live there and listen to him and hide from him and then hear things in the house being smashed. It’s terrifying. You “telling him” does nothing.

Do you actually understand that this cannot go on and you need to get your kids away from that type of home? Coz I don’t think you actually understand.

Humidititties · 08/09/2023 14:49

Fucking hell, some bonkers posts on here once again. She was given permission to use the bike by one parent, he should have taken it up with OP if he had an issue, not the DD! How dare he treat her like that? As for those blaming OP for his behaviour, I despair of this place sometimes

AcrossthePond55 · 08/09/2023 14:50

hohodumdum · 08/09/2023 14:44

he way I see it, the problem is two-fold. You didn't have the right to tell DD to take DH's bike. Especially since you knew he didn't want her using it. It doesn't matter if she 'brings it home fine' or 'he never uses it', the fact is that it is HIS. If he wanted to lock it up in the basement and never use it, that is his privilege. The other issue is his reaction to it. The first problem is a '4', his reaction to it is a '10'.

Wrong. Child needed transport, neither parent could drive, OP ABSOLUTELY can let child use any bike in the house, if she wants to. It doesn't matter if it's "his".

That's your opinion. Mine is different. We will have to agree to disagree.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 08/09/2023 14:51

5128gap · 08/09/2023 13:44

If it helps OP, Every single aspect of his behaviour would be a deal breaker for me. From his meaness with his bike, to the swearing, the breaking of household items, the drinking, the sheer aggressive noise of the man. I'd not put up with any one of those things and neither should your DC. You're entitled to peace in your home not having it disturbed by a foul mouthed, foul tempered drunken apology for a man. I hope you are able to leave him. Life shouldn't be like thst.

This, the bike is the least of your worries.
Are you all walking on eggshells around him? I expect the answer is yes. You all deserve better and I don’t like the sound of him bumping into her physically, it sounds like he could have shoulder barged her to get out of his way.
As an aside, Could funds run to getting her a bike of her own, second hand?

Primproperpenny · 08/09/2023 14:52

So - he’s a violent, abusive alcoholic.

He emotionally abused you and his children.

Borrowing a family bike would be a none issue in our house, not a problem at all. I mean, if he had £5K performance bike, maybe he’d have had a right to be a bit pissed off. But a knackered old bike that he’s used 5 times in ten years?! It’s hardly competition material, is it? What a pathetic thing to be precious about. Your poor DD

Call the police and have him removed. Every minute he spends with your DC is a minute of their life wasted.

ToughFuss · 08/09/2023 14:54

So weird that you’re so hung up on the fact that your neighbours might hear and have an opinion than the fact your poor kids are being forced to live in a house with an angry, abusive alcoholic. It’s terrifying having a parent like him and I feel terrible for your children that they’re having to live in fear of their dad. Please protect them.

callmeblondee · 08/09/2023 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ah here we are the pick me crew have arrived!

I am laughing in disbelief at people saying the daughter was in the wrong cause she took the bike without permission, she got her mothers permission to use a bike that the horrible little wanker of a husband doesnt even use. Any man who wants to covet a stupid bike he doesnt use, then gets mad cause someone actually used it, and becomes violent with it, is a total abusive twat.

The OP was clearly thinking logically as in yes take the bike that never gets used. These bloody man-babies crying over something so utterly illogical. In my family we share things in a logical way, we dont covet them.

Stop defending these men, I beg of you.

LakieLady · 08/09/2023 14:56

For the sake of your children, please leave this abusive, alcoholic arsehole.

They shouldn't have to live in an environment where an adult who is supposed to love and care for them behaves like he does.

callmeblondee · 08/09/2023 15:00

Humidititties · 08/09/2023 14:49

Fucking hell, some bonkers posts on here once again. She was given permission to use the bike by one parent, he should have taken it up with OP if he had an issue, not the DD! How dare he treat her like that? As for those blaming OP for his behaviour, I despair of this place sometimes

I am with you. I think it is a huge lack of critical thinking and not being able to review the entire situation but instead focus on the "rules" that were broken, like robots. Weird if you ask me. They're either pick me women or incels in disguise on here. Cause there is no way this man can be defended or justified no matter what the circumstance, and no way the woman or the daughter can be blamed for such a reaction.

FastBlueHedgehog · 08/09/2023 15:01

Is he like this with all his belongings? My dad was and would go off on one just like your DH. Sometimes for days at a time. I bet he's told your DD he pays for everything in the house and so it's all his. My dad was a prick but my mum wouldn't leave him. He's dead now and my life is so much better for it.

Coffeetree · 08/09/2023 15:02

AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 14:47

I did stick up for her. I told him id said it was ok and that she had 💯 track record for bringing it back in perfect condition.

Show quote history

Participating in the stupid bike conversation is not sticking up for her.

Refusing to tolerate violent abusive behaviour towards your children would be sticking up for her.

So if she had taken the bike without permission, and maybe even damaged it, this would all be totally okay?

Bubop · 08/09/2023 15:03

What your neighbours think is the bottom of the list of what’s important here.

Your daughter did nothing wrong (you gave her permission to take the bike). Even if she had behaved badly, swearing at her and telling her off multiple times is wrong. Your partner is a bully and none of your children, or you, deserve to live with someone who acts like that.

SlippinJanie · 08/09/2023 15:03

Sounds like my father (except he didn't drink) in his way over the top anger at minor matters. We were terrified of him. I had long-term psychotherapy on the NHS & I'm still not mentally strong. I'm nearly 60 years old. Think hard about what you are colluding in inflicting on your children.