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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Situation at home yesterday

329 replies

AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 13:29

Yesterday, H was raging. DD had borrowed his bike. He doesn’t like her using it but for no rational reason. She always looks after it and brings it home. He went ballistic. Im quite laid back, its not a problem to me. I said it was fine. H doesn’t use it.

Anyway all bloody night he was storming the house, he was drinking too. Such a bad mood. Told her off a couple of times, she mostly stayed out of his way. H swearing f-ing this and that. In front of all kids even the younger ones. I asked him to stop but he was in such a strop. Windows were open and all the village must have heard him.

when it came to bedtimes, i went to put younger kids to bed and he went to go downstairs. To watch TV. Still swearing and bumped into DD again. Typical teen interaction which wound him up. Anyway, she disappeared quickly and H slamming around with his dinner, could hear him swearing still as im in with the kid’s putting them to bed. Then he slams his empty dinner plate on the side, it smashes. Lots of noise. Then he grabs another beer and walks into the livingroom and slammed the door so hard, the whole house shook. What neighbourhood must have thought.

ive tried to talk to him today but i cant pin him down, he just walks off with air of hes done nothing wrong and its the rest of us.

its horrible living like this. Im trying to paper over the cracks, keeping the kids shielded from his moods but im seriously failing.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 08/09/2023 13:52

NotMyDayJob · 08/09/2023 13:49

Why is everyone focussing on the bike? She's 14 for fucks sake. If the worst she has done is borrow a bike he never even uses you're doing pretty well. Aside from anything the only appropriate response from him should be, I don't mind you borrowing the bike but next time ask me please.

And you said he bumps into her physically? Is he hurting her?

Honestly some of you need to have a word with yourselves.

This with bells on.

Istanbulnotconstantinople72 · 08/09/2023 13:53

None of this is your DD's fault regardless of what she took without permission. She's a kid ffs! Of course she's going to borrow a bike that's just lying around unused. How dare anyone even consider blaming her for an adult's behaviour! He's a grown adult who thinks it's acceptable to behave like that to his children. Get fucking rid!

Original poster
AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 13:54

he didnt bump into her physically. It was a figure of speech, she was downstairs and he walked into the same room. Sorry i worded it wrong

OP posts:
tolerable · 08/09/2023 13:55

so-does he be ok when you act like that?mr no big deal.ugh

fedupnow2 · 08/09/2023 13:55

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 08/09/2023 13:38

Still wasn't yours to approve the use of...

Oh give over. No normal parent would remotely blink an eye and be glad the child sorted her transportation out. An abusive parent on the other hand behaves like the husband.

Thewizardbinbag · 08/09/2023 13:57

So, she actually needs a bike due to your real location. But she doesn’t have one? Why have you not bought her a bike?

You’ve both set her up to fail. She needs transport. You haven’t bought her a bike and when she uses her dad’s, she gets abuse. Because that’s what he did; that was abusive. Making everyone in the house feel like that, and making her feel like it was her fault… that was abuse.

Protect your kids. Get away from him. Or at the very least get her a bloody bike so she can get out when she needs to without facing his abuse.

AlwaysHeadingWest · 08/09/2023 13:57

This thread is crazy. Did nobody read the bit about husband using his bike about 5 times in 10 years?

I use my bike every day but wouldn't ever grudge my DC borrowing it if they were stuck. There's no good reason for not allowing her to use what is basically a spare/redundant bike except meanness (towards his own daughter!) That alone would be a big red flag to me.

And the people blaming the mum and the daughter for the dad's verbal/emotional abuse and aggression - have a word with yourselves.

Original poster
AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 13:57

He was at work out of the house and i was in the house when DD got the bus home after school. I just think hes making a mountain out of a molehill. Its a bloody bike fgs. One he never uses. I do wonder if its some kind of control thing.

yes he does have a drink problem. Ive also tried to raise this times, he drinks daily and almost cuts himself off from parenting. I parent, hes just someone who lives in the house

OP posts:
everythingthelighttouches · 08/09/2023 13:57

Regular behaviour OP?

have there been other similar incidents in the past?

ManchesterGirl2 · 08/09/2023 13:58

I'd leave him, he sounds a nightmare to live with.

Original poster
AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 13:59

Moneys tight atm i just dont have enough for one thats “cool” enough for her to be seen on at the moment. You know what 14 year olds are like. Hopefully by Christmas

OP posts:
LookingForPurpose · 08/09/2023 13:59

"ts horrible living like this. Im trying to paper over the cracks, keeping the kids shielded from his moods but im seriously failing. "

You are serially failing, you can't possibly paper over cracks this huge. His behaviour is ABSOLUTELY unacceptable and yet you seem to think your kids are what? So stupid they can't see what he's like? You think you doling out meaningless platitudes and excuses will make up for the fact that you are normalising his behaviour AND seeing the standard for their future relationships?

You need to get rid of him and you know it. Your poor children, living with a plate smashing bully and a mother that tells them it's ok and it will all be fine. It's up to YOU to do something here

ZebraD · 08/09/2023 14:00

So you always undermine him?

shearwater · 08/09/2023 14:00

I think ask him to leave. It's just not acceptable.

WhatNoRaisins · 08/09/2023 14:01

Do you think you might be undermining him because you're actually really pissed off with his behaviour?

Janieforever · 08/09/2023 14:01

Ok that’s a drip feed, she didn’t use it without permission. You have permission. The op is written like she took it without.

why is he stropping at her when you gave her permission,did you tell him that?

Wonkypumpkin · 08/09/2023 14:02

Please think about leaving this man OP he sounds absolutely dreadful. You don’t need this drama in your life or your kid’s lives.

beAsensible1 · 08/09/2023 14:02

his behaviour was not on at all. also if he doesn't like her using his bikethen she shouldn't. And if she needs an alternative to lifts and you live rurally you should've gotten her her own bike so she's not trapped in the house.

LookItsMeAgain · 08/09/2023 14:02

Leave him and get your DD a bike for Christmas or her next birthday (whichever happens first).

Mariposista · 08/09/2023 14:02

YABU to even ask the question. You need to take your children and get them to a place of safety, far away from him.

AtomicBlondeRose · 08/09/2023 14:03

For all the “OP shouldn’t have let her have the bike” people, think how you would react if someone - your child - had borrowed something you didn’t want them to borrow. You might be cross and give a telling-off, or say “hey, don’t do that again” or even get in a grump but would you be repeatedly aggressive, smash stuff, barge people out of the way, slam doors and swear? I’d be cross and probably huff a bit about “can’t have anything to myself in this house” but that’s all. The reaction is the problem here.

Gnomegnomegnome · 08/09/2023 14:03

Janieforever · 08/09/2023 14:01

Ok that’s a drip feed, she didn’t use it without permission. You have permission. The op is written like she took it without.

why is he stropping at her when you gave her permission,did you tell him that?

It says in the first paragraph that op said that she could use it.

HotWaxToTheMax · 08/09/2023 14:05

I wonder if your money would be better spent on seeing a solicitor about a divorce?
The man you are married to is an abusive drunken excuse of a father.
I have a fair idea how that behaviour makes your kids feel.
He probably won't take responsibility for his behaviour, but you can take responsibility for yours .
I hope you find a better life soon 🌺

Original poster
AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 14:06

Janieforever · 08/09/2023 14:01

Ok that’s a drip feed, she didn’t use it without permission. You have permission. The op is written like she took it without.

why is he stropping at her when you gave her permission,did you tell him that?

In my original post i wrote re her taking it “i said it was fine”. I said she could take it as i was working and she was badgering me to take her whilst i was working and i would have been away from my desk and got into trouble

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 08/09/2023 14:07

The issue of the bike borrowing really doesn’t matter. One parent gave permission and the other wasn’t happy. It is between the adults.

there is clearly a much bigger issue here.

You need to have a serious conversation about his behavior. He may need to stop drinking. He at the very least needs to address his rage and his relationship with alcohol.

you need to be prepared to leave him if he won’t take steps to better himself. You can’t let your children keep living with someone who does this. Yes, he will likely get some custody time, but the guaranteed peaceful time without him in the house will be worthwhile.