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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Situation at home yesterday

329 replies

AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 13:29

Yesterday, H was raging. DD had borrowed his bike. He doesn’t like her using it but for no rational reason. She always looks after it and brings it home. He went ballistic. Im quite laid back, its not a problem to me. I said it was fine. H doesn’t use it.

Anyway all bloody night he was storming the house, he was drinking too. Such a bad mood. Told her off a couple of times, she mostly stayed out of his way. H swearing f-ing this and that. In front of all kids even the younger ones. I asked him to stop but he was in such a strop. Windows were open and all the village must have heard him.

when it came to bedtimes, i went to put younger kids to bed and he went to go downstairs. To watch TV. Still swearing and bumped into DD again. Typical teen interaction which wound him up. Anyway, she disappeared quickly and H slamming around with his dinner, could hear him swearing still as im in with the kid’s putting them to bed. Then he slams his empty dinner plate on the side, it smashes. Lots of noise. Then he grabs another beer and walks into the livingroom and slammed the door so hard, the whole house shook. What neighbourhood must have thought.

ive tried to talk to him today but i cant pin him down, he just walks off with air of hes done nothing wrong and its the rest of us.

its horrible living like this. Im trying to paper over the cracks, keeping the kids shielded from his moods but im seriously failing.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 08/09/2023 14:24

But it's not reasonable for him to be so possessive over a bike he doesn't use, full stop.

OP said he does ride it, although infrequently. But if he doesn't want her to ride it, OP should not undermine that, imo, whether she agrees with his logic or not.

The obvious solution would be to buy the girl her own bike. PPs have said you can get very cheap ones on eBay.

It's not even like he wanted to use it himself and it wasn't available or something, or DD was careless with it or damaged it. It certainly not worthy or being angry all evening, sulking, smashing plates even in those circumstances.

If OP is undermining him then it's between DH and OP, he should not be taking it out on his daughter.

He is a drunk with an anger problem.

Not sure who that's aimed at. I've said his reaction makes him sound like a madman so you're preaching to the choir. I think the entire situation sounds like a bike car crash and I feel sorry for the kids.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 08/09/2023 14:24

Well said @NotMyDayJob!
Shes 14, she borrowed a bike. This response is SO OTT. My dad used to act like this sometimes and my DBs and I still feel the effects. You feel like you need permission just to exist.

Dramatic · 08/09/2023 14:25

Who the hell cares about the bike? Why is everyone focusing on that? I've given my teenager daughter permission to use her step dad's bike while he's been away with work and he has zero issues with it because he's not an arsehole.

Your husband is abusive.

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/09/2023 14:25

The bike is a red herring, people. Yes from a very technical standpoint she was in the wrong but this is an ultimately trivial matter. Please see the big picture, OP if others can't.

The point is that you and your children are living with an abusive alcoholic who uses a minor infraction to manufacture a terrifying row in which he drinks too much, shouts, slams doors and physically intimidates a teenage girl.

Frankly even if she'd stayed out all night, stolen his car and called him a four letter word it wouldn't justify his behaviour. Never mind the bike. Leave him.

Furryrug · 08/09/2023 14:25

It would be different if she'd taken the bike and maybe prevented her father from getting to work , but he hardly uses it. You're a family fgs, she borrowed his bike and brought it back. I get that she didn't ask but his reaction was ridiculous.

Malarandras · 08/09/2023 14:27

Wow the people focusing on the bike and not the abusive behaviour is bewildering.

You and your children should not have to put with this behaviour OP. It is immature and childish. He needs to grow up and if he can’t I would consider your options as you deserve better.

jeaux90 · 08/09/2023 14:27

OP please, this is an awful situation for your kids to see, modelling really bad relationship dynamics where the abusive father does eff all and you put up with it and do everything.

I can tell you as a lone parent my life is really peaceful and a lot easier.

TheInterceptor · 08/09/2023 14:28

Stop worrying about the neighbours and start worrying about the lifetime of damage this man is creating in your children's brains, ffs.

JANEY205 · 08/09/2023 14:28

Wtf do you care more about what the neighbors heard than what your own children were exposed to? Your DD is being bullied in her own home after YOU said she was ok to take the bike. I don’t see any part here where you were sticking up for her?

hohodumdum · 08/09/2023 14:29

If people are seriously suggesting a woman can't let her kid use her Dads bike, that he doesn't ever use anyway...they have a problem.
As for those who tell OP to go out and buy a bike when theres one sitting there unused....check your privilege, and then your sanity.

Skybluecoat · 08/09/2023 14:30

Squit · 08/09/2023 14:13

yeah so basically OP and her DD made him behave like that. It’s their fault he was storming about smashing the place up for hours.

straight out of the abuser’s handbook. “Look what you made me do”.

Exactly this. I am absolutely shocked at posters attempting to justify this man’s shitty behaviour.

@AdviceNeededForMe Please, for your sake and your children’s sake, get away from this drunk, abusive tosser.

Butchyrestingface · 08/09/2023 14:30

Your husband is abusive.

The bike situation is being referenced because OP started a thread on it. Hence (some, not all) responses along the lines of, "I think you were YABU on this occasion but the bigger picture is that your husband is a raving lunatic and you should leave".

Other people think she wasn't unreasonable at all and should leave.

But I think the common denominator is that more or less everyone agrees her husband sounds like an abusive arsehole.

Ghosttofu99 · 08/09/2023 14:30

Is he a function alcoholic? Maybe the bike was the trigger this time but I'm guessing DD would have been in the wrong in his eyes whatever she had or hadn’t done. A 14 year old child is not responsible for an adult smashing plates etc even if they did borrow a bike.

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 08/09/2023 14:31

You need to kick this arse out OP. It's irrelevent whether you were right or wrong to allow dd to ride the poxy bike he doesn't get to frighten and intimidate the entire household like that.

I'm another poster who's been raised by a similar arsewipe of a dad. I'm almost 40 and it still affects me profoundly. Get him out now whilst your kids are still young enough to heal

Oh and.. if you live rurally and have a teenager who's willing to cycle to have actual face to face time with her mates rather than sit around texting and moaning that you won't be her personal chauffer then fgs get the kid a bike! I'm sure you can pick one up cheap 2nd hand

Big handhold OP. Really hope you can do what needs to be done xx

Janiie · 08/09/2023 14:33

The bike is irrelevant.

He is an abusive arsehole op and you need to protect your kids from this toxic environment. It will cause them life long damage.

LatteLady · 08/09/2023 14:34

I was the child of a similar father. My mother did not have the opportunity to do anytihng about it, she was a cradle Catholic and was unable to leave him, but then nor did she call him out for his behaviour. I remember the silences, creeping around the house so as not to disturb him and watching your ps and qs when you spoke. I stopped talking to him when I was 16 as I had seen what happened to my older siblings and there was no chance I would go through that, too.

You need to get him out of the house and away from the children to talk to him and tell him that this is not the way a family works and he has to sort out his anger issues. This is not about a child borrowing a bike, this is about a man finding an excuse to hang his anger on and beating up on his family in the process. Frankly, he needs to start apologising, to you, his DD and his other children but he also needs to know that if this behaviour continues he is at the bar at the Last Chance Saloon.

caban · 08/09/2023 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

The wife and teen daughter caused the poor innocent man to get drunk, slam doors, smash plates, shout, swear and generally terrorise his family?

GabriellaMontez · 08/09/2023 14:34

I don't care what she did..

His behaviour is disgusting. I'd be making plans to leave.

Janiie · 08/09/2023 14:35

'Wtf do you care more about what the neighbors heard than what your own children were exposed to? Your DD is being bullied in her own home after YOU said she was ok to take the bike. I don’t see any part here where you were sticking up for her?'

This! Your kids heard that is what should be the issue. I hope the neighbours did hear tbh someone might report his abusive crap to ss or the police.

Robotalkingrubbish · 08/09/2023 14:35

I can’t believe posters are talking about the bike and the 14 year old. The issue here is a an out of control, violent man. I strongly advise you to call Womens Aid @AdviceNeededForMe . You and your children are at serious risk.

ElEmEnOhPee · 08/09/2023 14:36

He's abusive, you need to leave or your DD will think it's acceptable for grown men to behave like this in relationships.

Katiesaidthat · 08/09/2023 14:37

Your husband is an idiot. My dad was a version of this. He died when I was 15, but I think I wouldn´t have had much to do with him had he lived longer. Just get your kids out of this situation. It was bliss when he was no longer there. Just my mum, my brother and I.

Chippy4me · 08/09/2023 14:37

Tell him to grow up.

Yes I guess it can be annoying when people use your stuff but a normal reaction would be saying can you ask me next time in case I need to use it, or don’t use it next time.

(Most people would be absolutely fine with someone using their things, as long as they didn’t ruin them).

You do not get angry and shout and make everyone walk around on egg shells.

OP this isn’t normal and I feel so sorry for your kids being in this environment!

I think the bike is the least of your problems.

Medlady · 08/09/2023 14:37

The bike is basically a little snare he has set for you and your dd

for heaven’s sake, get rid of him and keep the bike. You’ll be a net gainer

AcrossthePond55 · 08/09/2023 14:38

@AdviceNeededForMe

The way I see it, the problem is two-fold. You didn't have the right to tell DD to take DH's bike. Especially since you knew he didn't want her using it. It doesn't matter if she 'brings it home fine' or 'he never uses it', the fact is that it is HIS. If he wanted to lock it up in the basement and never use it, that is his privilege. The other issue is his reaction to it. The first problem is a '4', his reaction to it is a '10'.

Is you telling her it's fine to use his bike (or otherwise countermanding him) an 'ongoing' thing? I wouldn't be happy if my DH repeatedly told our DC that it was 'fine' to use something I had previously said not to 'borrow' or said "It's ok for you to XXX" if I'd previously told them no. But as PPs have pointed out, that is something that should have a discussion between you and him. Of course, unless he's repeatedly talked to you about it. I'd still disagree 1000% with his nasty tantrum, but I'd understand the reason for it. But if the bike borrowing is a repeated issue, then he should have put a lock on it. Ounce of prevention etc etc.

BUT, the bigger issue is his reaction and his drinking. He's a bad tempered man with a drink problem. And for that reason, you need to leave. I'm sure the bike isn't the only thing that sends him into rages. It just appears to be the straw that has 'critically bent' your personal camel's back. How many more times will he need to do this before that straw breaks and you leave?

As far as your neighbours, if I had been one of them I'd have called the police if I heard him raging like that. But then I've lived with a raging bad tempered man (no longer thank God) and I know what it's like.

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