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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Situation at home yesterday

329 replies

AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 13:29

Yesterday, H was raging. DD had borrowed his bike. He doesn’t like her using it but for no rational reason. She always looks after it and brings it home. He went ballistic. Im quite laid back, its not a problem to me. I said it was fine. H doesn’t use it.

Anyway all bloody night he was storming the house, he was drinking too. Such a bad mood. Told her off a couple of times, she mostly stayed out of his way. H swearing f-ing this and that. In front of all kids even the younger ones. I asked him to stop but he was in such a strop. Windows were open and all the village must have heard him.

when it came to bedtimes, i went to put younger kids to bed and he went to go downstairs. To watch TV. Still swearing and bumped into DD again. Typical teen interaction which wound him up. Anyway, she disappeared quickly and H slamming around with his dinner, could hear him swearing still as im in with the kid’s putting them to bed. Then he slams his empty dinner plate on the side, it smashes. Lots of noise. Then he grabs another beer and walks into the livingroom and slammed the door so hard, the whole house shook. What neighbourhood must have thought.

ive tried to talk to him today but i cant pin him down, he just walks off with air of hes done nothing wrong and its the rest of us.

its horrible living like this. Im trying to paper over the cracks, keeping the kids shielded from his moods but im seriously failing.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 08/09/2023 14:08

OP you need to leave this horrible man. If not for yourself but for your children. They should not be subjected to this ridiculous behaviour.

Butchyrestingface · 08/09/2023 14:08

You both knew that he doesn't want your daughter to ride his bike. Do you often undermine him in this way? Or is it only when his reasons don't meet with your approval?

That said, his reaction is so way over the top that he sounds like a madman.

SomeCatFromJapan · 08/09/2023 14:09

Absolute no to all the people twisting this round to blame OP and her daughter. The selfish abusive prick doesn't even use the bike, what sort of shit father wouldn't share with his daughter? If he was a mamil with a 15 grand road bike that would be one thing (although still not excuse how he behaved) but this is just dog in the manger bullshit and another failing on his part.

Doggymummar · 08/09/2023 14:09

£10 from Facebook marketplace is what my bike cost. Perfectly ok

Dolores87 · 08/09/2023 14:09

You need to ask him to leave. I grew up in a house like that. It has impacted me my whole life.

Sartre · 08/09/2023 14:10

So he’s just a man who lives in the house whilst you do all of the parenting and housework, he’s also a raging alcoholic with anger issues and you stay with him? Why?

The best solution here is to leave him, obviously. Normal parents wouldn’t give a fuck about their child borrowing their bicycle, especially one they don’t even use. Actually normal parents would just give their teenager the unused bike.

TenderDandelions · 08/09/2023 14:10

catgirl1976 · 08/09/2023 13:37

DD should not have borrowed the bike without permission and you should not have been ok with that

However (and it’s a massive however). Your husband is an abusive arsehole. Swearing in front of you get children, smashing plates and making you feel like you are walking on egg shells (and this does not sound like a one off) is abuse

a rare LTB from me.

seriously. Talk to women’s aid or similar to get some perspective on how unacceptable his behaviour is

I agree with all of this.

When one parent has specifically told their child they can't borrow something, even if the other parent thinks it's silly, it's still that parent's personal possession to lend and DD shouldn't have borrowed it, knowing he doesn't want her to. If you can, I'd get her her own bike to use, even though you know his will be languishing in the shed unused mostly.

All that said, his reaction is way over the top and totally unacceptable and that is the true focus in this. It's obviously not a one-off and this is just the thing that set him off this time.

Your home should be a place of safety for you and your children and you all walking on eggshells, hoping he won't kick off is not a happy home for any of you.

tothelefttotheleft · 08/09/2023 14:11

AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 13:36

Well she wanted to go out with friends. We live remotely and i was wfh but couldn’t give a lift as i was working to 5. I said it was fine. I dont see the issue. She’s responsible. H has probably used it probably 5 times in the past 10 years.

The point is it's his bike. It's not your place to say whether she can use it or not.

menopausalbloat · 08/09/2023 14:12

There's only so much you can do when you live with an alcoholic.
He has to be the one who admits he has a problem. Unfortunately, a lot of people never do until they've lost almost everything.
I live with an alcoholic and we've been through a lot together.
How long has he had this problem?

shearwater · 08/09/2023 14:13

Butchyrestingface · 08/09/2023 14:08

You both knew that he doesn't want your daughter to ride his bike. Do you often undermine him in this way? Or is it only when his reasons don't meet with your approval?

That said, his reaction is so way over the top that he sounds like a madman.

But it's not reasonable for him to be so possessive over a bike he doesn't use, full stop.

It's not even like he wanted to use it himself and it wasn't available or something, or DD was careless with it or damaged it. It certainly not worthy or being angry all evening, sulking, smashing plates even in those circumstances.

If OP is undermining him then it's between DH and OP, he should not be taking it out on his daughter.

He is a drunk with an anger problem.

YukoandHiro · 08/09/2023 14:13

"its horrible living like this. Im trying to paper over the cracks, keeping the kids shielded from his moods but im seriously failing."

I think from reading this sentence you really know what you need to do.

What is stopping you?

Squit · 08/09/2023 14:13

yeah so basically OP and her DD made him behave like that. It’s their fault he was storming about smashing the place up for hours.

straight out of the abuser’s handbook. “Look what you made me do”.

Istanbulnotconstantinople72 · 08/09/2023 14:14

Bloody hell these comments, it doesn't matter if it was a bike, a car, or a piece of cheese. You do not behave like that to your child! For anything!

AnIndianWoman · 08/09/2023 14:15

He sounds like a drunk. You need to leave him or kick him out.

Pinklemons9 · 08/09/2023 14:16

Personally I wouldn’t want someone who acts in this way and drinks every night around my children, he’d be gone. Why are you still with him? He sounds horrible!

NoSquirrels · 08/09/2023 14:17

What neighbourhood must have thought.

They’ll have thought your H is an abusive alcoholic, and they’ll be hoping he moves out, for your sake and the DC’s.

tuvamoodyson · 08/09/2023 14:17

tothelefttotheleft · 08/09/2023 14:11

The point is it's his bike. It's not your place to say whether she can use it or not.

Show quote history

The other point being, he very rarely EVER uses it at all…!

shearwater · 08/09/2023 14:18

Yes DD2 who is 14 borrowed my hair brush last night and didn't put it back. I had to go and rummage around to find it on the landing at 6.30am so I could brush my hair. I reminded her to put it back next time and she apologised.

I didn't raise my voice even and certainly wasn't swearing or smashing plates.

krustykittens · 08/09/2023 14:19

The bike is just another form of control and abuse. You live rurally, it is useful to the children but he doesn't use it but bars anyone else from using it. YOU, his partner, can't even give permission for your own children to use it, they either have to walk or you have to stop working to give them a lift. He is setting you all up for a row and fuck me, does he go to town once you give him the excuse! What else is he petty about? I cannot believe people are blaming you for his behaviour! Clearly, from you last sentence, he behaves like this a lot and I bet its not just about the bike. You and your children deserve better, OP.

NotQuiteHere · 08/09/2023 14:20

AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 14:06

In my original post i wrote re her taking it “i said it was fine”. I said she could take it as i was working and she was badgering me to take her whilst i was working and i would have been away from my desk and got into trouble

Show quote history

Just out of interest, was it actually your idea that the daughter takes the bike?

Coffeetree · 08/09/2023 14:21

tothelefttotheleft · 08/09/2023 14:11

The point is it's his bike. It's not your place to say whether she can use it or not.

Show quote history

Oh dear god go away.

OP you honestly sound traumatised, otherwise I can't imagine how else you'd be worried about the neighbours when your daughter is being treated like that in her own home.

As others have said, this will stay with her forever. She'll also remember how you didn't protect her.

There are a lot of good resources out there, including Women's Aid. Mumsnet is not a great resource for situations like this because you get a lot of apologists and victim-.blamers piling on (you just have to imagine their on lives to guess why), but that's not going to be helpful to you.

Zonder · 08/09/2023 14:21

He could probably buy her a bike if he cut back on his drinking a bit.

AccountDeleted · 08/09/2023 14:22

The issue is nothing to do with DD. She asked a parent permission and she as given it. If he has a problem with your decision he needs to speak to you not her. What is his reason why no one can borrow it? Is there some genuine reason? What does he think you should have done? He needs to provide her with an alternative if she can’t use it. His way of dealing with it is abusive though so there is a larger problem to sort out.

Allschoolsareartschools · 08/09/2023 14:22

Your poor dd & her siblings.
Except for the drinking my F was like this. Utterly unreasonable amounts of enraged behaviour over very small issues. Walking on eggshells when he was in a mood. Expected to forgive his terrible behaviour & be grateful when he was being 'nice'.
I forgot to put a pencil back near the phone once & was called a 'thieving bitch'. I was about 15, this was one of many many incidents. My mum made excuses for him all the time & the emotional abuse went on for years & took its toll.
OP do you visualise a future with your dd in your life? Because it won't happen if you keep allowing this horrible abusive behaviour to carry on. I have nothing to do with f & very limited contact with my mum. I can imagine your dd & siblings will end up much the same.

Goldbar · 08/09/2023 14:22

You should not have let DD borrow the bike. You're not the owner and you can't give her permission to take something which isn't hers/yours.

That said, this issue pales into insignificance amongst all the other issues from your post. If you live rurally, your DD should have her own bike so she can get around with friends. But most importantly, your H is abusive towards you and the children.