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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Situation at home yesterday

329 replies

AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 13:29

Yesterday, H was raging. DD had borrowed his bike. He doesn’t like her using it but for no rational reason. She always looks after it and brings it home. He went ballistic. Im quite laid back, its not a problem to me. I said it was fine. H doesn’t use it.

Anyway all bloody night he was storming the house, he was drinking too. Such a bad mood. Told her off a couple of times, she mostly stayed out of his way. H swearing f-ing this and that. In front of all kids even the younger ones. I asked him to stop but he was in such a strop. Windows were open and all the village must have heard him.

when it came to bedtimes, i went to put younger kids to bed and he went to go downstairs. To watch TV. Still swearing and bumped into DD again. Typical teen interaction which wound him up. Anyway, she disappeared quickly and H slamming around with his dinner, could hear him swearing still as im in with the kid’s putting them to bed. Then he slams his empty dinner plate on the side, it smashes. Lots of noise. Then he grabs another beer and walks into the livingroom and slammed the door so hard, the whole house shook. What neighbourhood must have thought.

ive tried to talk to him today but i cant pin him down, he just walks off with air of hes done nothing wrong and its the rest of us.

its horrible living like this. Im trying to paper over the cracks, keeping the kids shielded from his moods but im seriously failing.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 11/09/2023 17:36

Speak to the landlord ASAP to make them aware that he isn't going to be allowed to stay

Dillane · 11/09/2023 17:38

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 08/09/2023 13:38

Still wasn't yours to approve the use of...

I think you are spectacularly missing the point.

The problems is the OP’s husband’s appalling behaviour.

Stop trying to ‘paper over the cracks’ OP and get this abuser out of your life.

Dillane · 11/09/2023 17:39

PlipPlopChoo · 10/09/2023 00:29

I see several different issues here.

I do not think that it was appropriate for you to tell your daughter it was okay to take your husbands bike when he had clearly said no. However your husband need to buy your daughter her own bike if she is not allowed his.

Him sulking, drinking and generally being an arsehole was not acceptable and he needs to cut that out.

In the interest of balance I will raise a final point. Do you often overrule what he says? Maybe that is what he was pissed off about.

What a load of misogynistic crap.

AdviceNeededForMe · 24/09/2023 10:31

Yesterday I stupidly got into an argument with him. He was around 5 cans in at this point, possibly more. I could tell he had a lot from his demeanour. Anyway, he started going on about that hed realised he drank too much so had cut down by not drinking Mon - Thurs for the past two weeks. I know thats not true as Tuesday he had a drink he had hidden at the side of his seat. I only saw as i was closing the curtains and happened to look down. Ive noticed as well hes putting on loads of perfume im wondering if thats to cover the alcohol breath. Anyway, i mentioned tues nights drink to him and he started going mad saying im checking up on him, im a psycho, im the one with the problem always monitoring him etc poor man, no wonder he needs to drink hey living with me! Anyway, i got up to leave the room as it was late and i dodnt want him shouting again. He shouted “you stupid fucking bitch” at me. Wtf, im so angry he can talk to me like that then today he will be sorry and profess his undying love for me

OP posts:
Zonder · 24/09/2023 10:41

You really do not have to put up with this.

junbean · 24/09/2023 10:43

It's shocking the number of people here blaming you for his behavior. It is abuse and your kids are going to bear the consequences the rest of their lives. Make him leave for their sake please.

wildwestpioneer · 24/09/2023 11:37

If you accept this behaviour, even if he apologises you have taught him he can treat you any way he wants and you'll forgive him, and you're teaching your dc that this behaviour is normal in a relationship.

Let's say he tells you he'll got to AA, that's great, still ask him to leave and you'll keep communication channels open, but won't entertain a reconciliation until he's 12 months sober. If he's really committed to sorting this and his family 12 months is a small price to pay.

Pumpkinpie1 · 24/09/2023 12:22

Dd was wrong, you enable her. H is cross but behaves badly.
no one is blameless

Thewizardbinbag · 24/09/2023 12:39

FGS, just change the lock and move his stuff to his parent’s. Really. Stop loving the drama and just get on with it.

Thewizardbinbag · 24/09/2023 12:40

Pumpkinpie1 · 24/09/2023 12:22

Dd was wrong, you enable her. H is cross but behaves badly.
no one is blameless

How is the daughter wrong?
She asked permission to take the bike and her mum told her she could.
She asked. She didn’t just take it. What did she do wrong?

jeaux90 · 24/09/2023 13:29

AdviceNeededForMe · 24/09/2023 10:31

Yesterday I stupidly got into an argument with him. He was around 5 cans in at this point, possibly more. I could tell he had a lot from his demeanour. Anyway, he started going on about that hed realised he drank too much so had cut down by not drinking Mon - Thurs for the past two weeks. I know thats not true as Tuesday he had a drink he had hidden at the side of his seat. I only saw as i was closing the curtains and happened to look down. Ive noticed as well hes putting on loads of perfume im wondering if thats to cover the alcohol breath. Anyway, i mentioned tues nights drink to him and he started going mad saying im checking up on him, im a psycho, im the one with the problem always monitoring him etc poor man, no wonder he needs to drink hey living with me! Anyway, i got up to leave the room as it was late and i dodnt want him shouting again. He shouted “you stupid fucking bitch” at me. Wtf, im so angry he can talk to me like that then today he will be sorry and profess his undying love for me

Gaslighting and abusive.

WhatNoRaisins · 24/09/2023 13:42

OP this isn't going to get better

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/09/2023 14:12

Thought I’d replied already but seems not.

You really need to either leave him or get him out. It’s very much abuse - he is abusive.

What has happened towards this since the bike incident in your first post?

You children shouldn’t be growing up in this environment. They will be terrified.

The bike situation I think is a read herring - men who are abusive will be abusive no matter how much you tip toe around them.

AdviceNeededForMe · 24/09/2023 16:09

Thewizardbinbag · 24/09/2023 12:39

FGS, just change the lock and move his stuff to his parent’s. Really. Stop loving the drama and just get on with it.

Trust me, im not loving the drama!

predictably today hes sorry, didnt mean it etc loves me. Ive said no more. Im standing my ground

OP posts:
SomeCatFromJapan · 24/09/2023 16:17

OP I've defended you and your daughter throughout but for the love of god put an end to this now.

AdviceNeededForMe · 24/09/2023 17:18

SomeCatFromJapan · 24/09/2023 16:17

OP I've defended you and your daughter throughout but for the love of god put an end to this now.

Sorry im taking so long fgs. It is not that easy to get someone out, especially when they wont leave 😢🥺 its only been 2 weeks since my initial post!

OP posts:
SomeCatFromJapan · 24/09/2023 17:23

Sorry im taking so long fgs. It is not that easy to get someone out, especially when they wont leave 😢🥺 its only been 2 weeks since my initial post!

Sorry, I appreciate it's much easier to post than to be in the situation. I just want you guys to be okay.

Banrion · 24/09/2023 17:35

You said you're going to pack his things and bring it to his parents and take his key but you haven't. Do it the next time he's out.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/09/2023 18:36

@AdviceNeededForMe

How do you mean 'won't leave'? It's not his house, right?

Obviously is you're just saying 'get out' he's going to say 'make me'. So find the way to make him! Have you contacted anyone about how to get him out? I mean like Citizens Advice or WA? Maybe the police?

AdviceNeededForMe · 24/09/2023 19:38

Im just trying to do it in a nice way i guess. I know if i go gun ho and pack his bags for him ill have so much trouble with him trying to get back in, it will result in the police. I do want us to stay kind of friends if possible for the kids.

OP posts:
Ragruggers · 24/09/2023 20:15

Have you spoken to his family and told them you want him gone and why?Do they know he is an alcoholic and DV he is displaying to you all especially Your daughter.,you may have to call the police to remove him soon this can’t go on and on. Good luck.

LookItsMeAgain · 24/09/2023 21:37

AdviceNeededForMe · 24/09/2023 19:38

Im just trying to do it in a nice way i guess. I know if i go gun ho and pack his bags for him ill have so much trouble with him trying to get back in, it will result in the police. I do want us to stay kind of friends if possible for the kids.

Staying “friends” is not going to happen and I’ll tell you why. You’re not friends (in his eyes) at the moment. Friends don’t do to each other what he’s putting you and your kids through.

So what if it ends up involving the police? It might be the wake-up call he’s been needing or he’ll carry on regardless and you’re no worse off than you were at the beginning.

It’s not his house.

Kick him out!

AcrossthePond55 · 24/09/2023 22:45

AdviceNeededForMe · 24/09/2023 19:38

Im just trying to do it in a nice way i guess. I know if i go gun ho and pack his bags for him ill have so much trouble with him trying to get back in, it will result in the police. I do want us to stay kind of friends if possible for the kids.

Well, nice isn't working. Nice never works when you're dealing with someone who isn't going to be 'nice' back.

I'm sure there is a middle ground between 'Please will you leave?' and forcing him out at 'gun point' (yes, that's purely hyperbolic). And I agree with PP that there is no way he's going to remain 'friends' with you. Your relationship has been based on you keeping silent and being compliant. But you're not that doormat anymore and he does not like it one bit.

And I see that I had one of my facts wrong. You are married to this lout. For some reason I had it in my head that you weren't married. So no, it's probably not as easy as changing the locks and putting his shit on the lawn. You need to contact WA and see a solicitor.

MaryLea · 25/09/2023 01:59

In the end 'nice' didn't work for me. It ended with his property in plastic bin bags in the front garden and the locks changed. I wish to God I had done it years earlier fir my son's sake - the point is, don't be nice, be Boudica. You and your children deserve the big strong warrior woman you are. You survived this long. I know you were bred from infancy to be nice, we all were. Just fck that sh!t. Don't be nice. That's how they trap you. Be Fantastic. As a survivor of a bullshít relationship I have your back. If he wants you he can stay sober a year before you consider having him back. If he can't manage a few days he can stop bullshitting you and leave. The gowser.

Gingernaut · 25/09/2023 02:55

Why should you be "nice"?

He clearly isn't bring "nice" to you or your family, you are beneath his contempt.

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