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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Situation at home yesterday

329 replies

AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 13:29

Yesterday, H was raging. DD had borrowed his bike. He doesn’t like her using it but for no rational reason. She always looks after it and brings it home. He went ballistic. Im quite laid back, its not a problem to me. I said it was fine. H doesn’t use it.

Anyway all bloody night he was storming the house, he was drinking too. Such a bad mood. Told her off a couple of times, she mostly stayed out of his way. H swearing f-ing this and that. In front of all kids even the younger ones. I asked him to stop but he was in such a strop. Windows were open and all the village must have heard him.

when it came to bedtimes, i went to put younger kids to bed and he went to go downstairs. To watch TV. Still swearing and bumped into DD again. Typical teen interaction which wound him up. Anyway, she disappeared quickly and H slamming around with his dinner, could hear him swearing still as im in with the kid’s putting them to bed. Then he slams his empty dinner plate on the side, it smashes. Lots of noise. Then he grabs another beer and walks into the livingroom and slammed the door so hard, the whole house shook. What neighbourhood must have thought.

ive tried to talk to him today but i cant pin him down, he just walks off with air of hes done nothing wrong and its the rest of us.

its horrible living like this. Im trying to paper over the cracks, keeping the kids shielded from his moods but im seriously failing.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
Truemilk · 08/09/2023 15:05

Sell his bike and use the money to buy your dd one

What an abusive prick!

TeeBee · 08/09/2023 15:05

Use whatever money you'd spend on your husband's Christmas present and use it to buy your daughter a bike. Then consider getting rid of the abusive arsehole that's making everyone's lives a misery. Kids should not be subjected to his crap.

Coffeetree · 08/09/2023 15:05

callmeblondee · 08/09/2023 15:00

I am with you. I think it is a huge lack of critical thinking and not being able to review the entire situation but instead focus on the "rules" that were broken, like robots. Weird if you ask me. They're either pick me women or incels in disguise on here. Cause there is no way this man can be defended or justified no matter what the circumstance, and no way the woman or the daughter can be blamed for such a reaction.

Show quote history

Yeah I wonder if the Pick Me/Cool Wife brigade are traumatised women projecting, or incels in disguise. Either way it's not okay for Mumsnet to let the victim-blaming posts stay up. Women like OP come here because they're isolated from real-life support.

Original poster
AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 15:05

To those not blaming me and DD for his reaction, thank you!

to be clear, when i said he bumped into DD, it was a figure of speech. DD was avoiding which room he was in and then he walked into the same room she was in. Figure of speech, not literally!

when i say about what the neighbours must have thought, of course i care for my kids over what the street hears.

anyway, i tried to talk to him this morning about it. He swerved me. Couldn’t get him to sit down and talk about it. He almost turned it around on me - am i not allowed to be annoyed? Etc

hes away until sunday on a nights out boozing with mates in London. Ive just text him to say i want him out by next weekend.

i want a peaceful life for me and kids. Its going to happen im determined

OP posts:
SomeCatFromJapan · 08/09/2023 15:05

The way I see it, the problem is two-fold. You didn't have the right to tell DD to take DH's bike. Especially since you knew he didn't want her using it. It doesn't matter if she 'brings it home fine' or 'he never uses it', the fact is that it is HIS. If he wanted to lock it up in the basement and never use it, that is his privilege. The other issue is his reaction to it. The first problem is a '4', his reaction to it is a '10'.

Wrong. The bike isn't at all the problem, it's a red herring. The only problem is an abusive, alcoholic man terrorising his family and any excuses for that are unacceptable.

And I thought us autistic types were black and white thinkers...

ManchesterGirl2 · 08/09/2023 15:07

AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 15:05

To those not blaming me and DD for his reaction, thank you!

to be clear, when i said he bumped into DD, it was a figure of speech. DD was avoiding which room he was in and then he walked into the same room she was in. Figure of speech, not literally!

when i say about what the neighbours must have thought, of course i care for my kids over what the street hears.

anyway, i tried to talk to him this morning about it. He swerved me. Couldn’t get him to sit down and talk about it. He almost turned it around on me - am i not allowed to be annoyed? Etc

hes away until sunday on a nights out boozing with mates in London. Ive just text him to say i want him out by next weekend.

i want a peaceful life for me and kids. Its going to happen im determined

Edited

I'm glad OP. It sounds like this is the last straw in a string of incidents. And also he is not making any effort to listen or change.

You deserve a peaceful life.

samG76 · 08/09/2023 15:08

Well done, OP - what an abusive man-child - being drunk, swearing loudly, smashing a plate. These would all cross the red line for me.

callmeblondee · 08/09/2023 15:09

AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 15:05

To those not blaming me and DD for his reaction, thank you!

to be clear, when i said he bumped into DD, it was a figure of speech. DD was avoiding which room he was in and then he walked into the same room she was in. Figure of speech, not literally!

when i say about what the neighbours must have thought, of course i care for my kids over what the street hears.

anyway, i tried to talk to him this morning about it. He swerved me. Couldn’t get him to sit down and talk about it. He almost turned it around on me - am i not allowed to be annoyed? Etc

hes away until sunday on a nights out boozing with mates in London. Ive just text him to say i want him out by next weekend.

i want a peaceful life for me and kids. Its going to happen im determined

Edited

I really hope you get away from him, he sounds like more than a dead weight, and like a lot of us I have already seen on here we grew up with Fathers who were angry/distant/abusive/ walking on eggshells, and that in the end turns us all into people pleasers and we perpetuate the cycle.

For the sake of yourself and your kids you would be a million times better off without him. It is so deeply traumatising to be around anyone controlling and bad tempered.

tell him to get on his pathetic little bike and fuck right off.

Flakey99 · 08/09/2023 15:10

For gods sake, open your eyes and see what damage this situation is doing to you and your innocent children.

You have to leave/kick him out as soon as possible.

Your children are already suffering from living with an alcoholic abusive father and a mother who walks on eggshells and tries to appease him when he explodes. If you carry on letting him abuse you all, your children are quite likely to cut you off completely when they grow up.

Icannoteven · 08/09/2023 15:10

Well, he is unreasonable for expressing his anger in such a threatening and aggressive way.

However, he is not unreasonable for being angry with your daughter taking his bike (just the way he has expressed his anger). Especially if she has been told not to before. It is his bike and probably something that is special to him. It can be very frustrating when people don’t respect your things or your boundaries.

Does dd not have a bike of her own?

RenovationNightmare · 08/09/2023 15:10

Your poor children.
It is not unreasonable to be upset, but I don't think that you are shielding your children, and I have no doubt that they are walking on eggshells at home.
She's borrowed an old bike that he's used five times in ten years.
I understand why he is subjecting your children to this - he is a bully. But why are you still with him?
I suggest you buy a bike for your daughter and speak to a solicitor on Monday morning!

ThreeLittleDots · 08/09/2023 15:11

Good on you for chucking him out.

Nobody should be forced to live with a violent, abusive, alcoholic idiot.

SomeCatFromJapan · 08/09/2023 15:11

It is his bike and probably something that is special to him.

OP said he never uses the damn thing, special as what? An ornament?

RenovationNightmare · 08/09/2023 15:12

I've just seen your update, good for you.

IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 08/09/2023 15:14

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 08/09/2023 13:33

You backed up dd taking something that wasn't hers?

DD shouldn’t have used the bike but he significantly overreacted and I’m sure his anger is a recurring issue this is not really about the bike.

ToxicPositivity · 08/09/2023 15:14

FastBlueHedgehog · 08/09/2023 15:01

Is he like this with all his belongings? My dad was and would go off on one just like your DH. Sometimes for days at a time. I bet he's told your DD he pays for everything in the house and so it's all his. My dad was a prick but my mum wouldn't leave him. He's dead now and my life is so much better for it.

My dad was weirdly controlling about his possessions too, I remember him once writing some shit note to us all over the computer screen in non removable pen(as you do). Hes not such a dick now.

@AdviceNeededForMe I know you said money is tight but is the bike club affordable? I know it's cheaper for younger kids and haven't looked for bikes for my teens so no idea how dear it is for that age range.

I've not been able to use my stupidly bloody expensive bike for 3 years, but just got the inner tubes replaced purposely so that dd12 can use it if she likes. If she claims it as hers then fine, I'll get another off the local sales page when I'm able.

Cinai · 08/09/2023 15:19

DD is not to blame, she’s 14 and - presumably because H was not at home - asked OP instead if she can borrow the bike. OP said it was ok. But all that aside, your husband sounds abusive. I’d have been scared if I was your DD. Please protect her from this behaviour.

topnoddy · 08/09/2023 15:22

But you knew he doesn't like her using the bike and still let her !

Over reaction but i'd be pissed off if someone borrowed something of mine like that

ZickZack · 08/09/2023 15:24

Overreaction. But taking something that was his is not on. And if this isn't usual behaviour and your family does this to him frequently, maybe he snapped?

NoTouch · 08/09/2023 15:25

You are both unreasonable and your dd must be so confused. He is more unreasonable as he has a drink problem and a temper which is a much bigger issue, but knowing that your decided to stir the hornets nest and put your dd in the firing line which is not fair on her.

But for this issue alone - if you reflect on it, how would you feel if he took something you treasured (or whatever is going on with the bike he is possessive over it) and had expressly asked no one used and then they not only used, but told you you don't have any rights and are being silly to complain when it comes to your own things.

I cannot comprehend with your adult perspective, and knowledge of your dh's temper why you did that to your dd when you know it would cause drama. Why you stay in this relationship is a completely separate issue.

5128gap · 08/09/2023 15:29

Icannoteven · 08/09/2023 15:10

Well, he is unreasonable for expressing his anger in such a threatening and aggressive way.

However, he is not unreasonable for being angry with your daughter taking his bike (just the way he has expressed his anger). Especially if she has been told not to before. It is his bike and probably something that is special to him. It can be very frustrating when people don’t respect your things or your boundaries.

Does dd not have a bike of her own?

Of course it's unreasonable to prevent your daughter borrowing a bike you never use. Spiteful, petty and possessive.
I can't believe how some of you must live if you think otherwise. It's really concerning the level of nastiness that must be being dished out (and tolerated) if people think any part of his behaviour or attitude is reasonable.

Viviennemary · 08/09/2023 15:29

Of course his behaviour is unacceptable. But you know he doesn't like your DD borrowing the bike but nevertheless you allowed it. Why? He will feel his wishes and property are not respected.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 08/09/2023 15:30

ZebraD · 08/09/2023 14:00

So you always undermine him?

He’s an abusive alcoholic. What is there to undermine?

MsRosley · 08/09/2023 15:31

DH to DD: 'I've told you before not to take my bike without permission. I'm angry that you've ignored that.'
DD shrugs and walks away.
DH gets in the car and goes to Halfords and purchases a bike lock.

Problem solved, minimum drama. Tell him to grow the fuck up, and DD to ask him if she can borrow his bike in future.

Sallyh87 · 08/09/2023 15:33

Bumping into her?

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