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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

409 replies

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:16

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 09/09/2023 22:57

CAN PEOPLE READ THE OPs POSTS!!!

SHE HAS GONE!!!

Update: hes taking her to the friends today.

Shes gone. Never again.

stayingright · 09/09/2023 23:00

How odd all the recent posts giving the OP their tuppence-worth having clearly not read any of the updates on this thread.

The lady has left.

Leela100 · 09/09/2023 23:30

You need to make this woman leave now, you have no responsibility for her she can fend for herself

ZadocPDederick · 09/09/2023 23:36

@Leela100, she's left.

Missingpop · 09/09/2023 23:56

Sorry but your being taken for a mug send her to her father let him deal with her & her thug of a husband; why are you looking after this weird woman she sounds like she’s a absolute monster

Bleuuuughhh · 10/09/2023 00:13

You have two options; help/ tell her to get out, or go completely mad.

INeedAnotherName · 10/09/2023 00:45

INeedAnotherName · 09/09/2023 22:57

CAN PEOPLE READ THE OPs POSTS!!!

SHE HAS GONE!!!

Update: hes taking her to the friends today.

Shes gone. Never again.

I wonder if this is going to be the new version of cancel the cheque? 🙄

Harmonypus · 10/09/2023 07:32

OP, you've had 16 pages of replies, I've only read the first page, but basically, the very first reply sums it up...

Get rid of her and send her to her dad!

If he can't/won't take her, she's NOT YOUR PROBLEM

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 10/09/2023 07:41

@INeedAnotherName
🤣🤣🤣

Kindling1970 · 10/09/2023 07:50

Her university will have free, emergency accommodation for people in her position. If she is studying, they have more of a responsibility to look after her than you do. I would start by stopping driving her around and going to appointments with her now. Step one. She’s trying to find someone to look after/ mother her and it actually doesn’t help her to enable that. She needs to learn to look after herself and if she does stay you will feel less impacted by her.

frustratednomad · 10/09/2023 08:40

SHE HAS GONE!

FedUpWithEverything123 · 10/09/2023 09:50

When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.

What the hell OP 😳

hollysmumma · 10/09/2023 10:03

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 22:50

Well I am back in. I'd been actually locked out which stupidly surprised me. A mutual friend read him the riot act about putting this woman before me and he unlocked the door. I heard him on the phone with the guy from outside (he's very loud) and then he went to her room to tell her something. I don't speak the language very well but it was that I was coming back then the speaking was quieter. I just had a bath, came out and she was coming upstairs and I said she was shamless and to expect no more help from me. She'll go and cry to him now but whatever . I think this has really shown me I probably can't keep biding my time in this house, I have doubts she will go because she is now the victim of me in Hs eyes. I don't want my kids around it so might just try and get back to my flat ASAP and hope this, and him allowing a violent stranger in to the home with the kids here is enough to stop him getting custody (along with all the other stuff he does ). I just worry if he gets the custody thus type of thing will go on without me being here to protect them. He'd have any waif or stray in because he likes the praise (he's a true narc) and them have them beholded to him and have a free maid or childcare etc. He made his choice of her over family . Totally exhausted but far too stressed to sleep

You need to keep all the evidence of his behaviour, this will not look good for him if he's seeking custody.

321user123 · 11/09/2023 00:22

Terrribletwos · 09/09/2023 18:46

You say here that you're the same religion but further on you say that you can't have another wife, we are a different religion...I am confused?

I think she was trying to say that they are not Muslims but another religion, hence he cannot have a second wife.
OP believes only Muslims accept/practice polygyny.

angelfacecuti75 · 11/09/2023 02:08

Sorry op , in the nicest way possible, u r being taken for a mug.
Her uni should be able to help , they often have hardship funds...
Ask her to ask them as you cannot afford to support her going forward.

NoPuddingForYou · 11/09/2023 02:20

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 13:04

@titchy

Uni (some student support worker, forgot the actual title) did say this on a call with me present (when I was sorting out who we needed to contact with regards to what, who her tutors were etc) . Whether the lecturers go though with that suggestion I don't know. But in terms of DV she's very high risk and he is hunting her down and using others too which adds to it. However another uni person did suggest she just go.home (!)

Her case is absolutely genuine , I've been there at every point.

Given he knows exactly where she is, as he came there with her initially, how can he be “hunting her down”?

Flipbopboop · 11/09/2023 14:51

I don't understand why she would be living four hours away from her university. I thought that international uni students had strict regulations.

How did the husband get the contact details for her classmates?

ConsuelaHammock · 11/09/2023 14:59

Drop her off at the university. Go home and change the locks . Deliver her belongings to the university office.
Contact immigration and they can organise a flight home for her ?
She is not your problem and you have been more than generous with your home , your time and your money.

Grrrpredictivetex · 11/09/2023 17:49

ConsuelaHammock · 11/09/2023 14:59

Drop her off at the university. Go home and change the locks . Deliver her belongings to the university office.
Contact immigration and they can organise a flight home for her ?
She is not your problem and you have been more than generous with your home , your time and your money.

She nobody's problem. SHE LEFT. RTFT!

ZadocPDederick · 11/09/2023 17:54

Sorry to shout, but -

Unwelcome house guest LEFT MORE THAN TWO DAYS AGO.

OP doesn't need any more advice about getting her out.

T1Dmama · 11/09/2023 18:03

It sounds like you’ve tried really hard to help her, but you can only lead a horse to water, you can’t make it drink…. It sounds to me like you’ve given her numbers to call and she’s just not willing to help herself… as for the tantrums she has over food and lifts, I think she needs to grow up and show you some gratitude.
mid be telling her she needs to call this number today and while you’re working give her a list of people/agencies to call… I’d tell her she needs to pull her finger out …
can she apply for asylum?

T1Dmama · 11/09/2023 20:06

Sorry I thought I’d read all your updates, not sure why they all didn’t come up initially…..
So glad she’s gone, I hope it’s permanent! You’re a star though OP, you did more than most would.
As for your situation…. If you’re claiming universal credit as a couple, you’ll surely be entitled to it as a single mum too? Then your council tax and rent will also be paid on another place? Can you short term rent until your tenants lease is up? Could you rent a 2 bed and put sons in one room and sleep in with any daughters you have to make rent cheaper. As for custody, I can only imagine the courts would at most offer 50/50 but if he doesn’t want to pay childcare when he has them how will he even cope with that?? He’ll likely go for 50/50 just for control… my friends ex went for all sorts of things in the custody battle… in the end she agreed and he stuck to it for a whole week!! Then made excuses….. he now sees his kids a handful of times a year… the less she fought the less he wanted the kids basically…because he only wanted the fight/control…. When he lost that he lost interest… He also moved miles away so wasn’t practical to share custody… im sure if you were to say him having the kids 50% of the time would help you financially as will only pay half the childcare etc he’ll want them less…. Make it your idea and a favour to you and he won’t want them!
is your place in the catchment for the schools they go to? Could you talk to your current tenants, maybe they’re just waiting for their contract to end so they can go? Or if you tell them you want to move back in they might find somewhere sooner and you can end lease with their agreement earlier?? Worth a try maybe

ClawedButler · 12/09/2023 10:45

YES, the attention sponge has gone.

Now you can re-focus on your exit strategy from your relationship.

Bloody well done on standing up for yourself, I appreciate that having and maintaining boundaries is new and difficult for you but you DID IT.

SheSaidHummingbird · 12/09/2023 20:44

Is OP coming back?

Grrrpredictivetex · 12/09/2023 20:59

SheSaidHummingbird · 12/09/2023 20:44

Is OP coming back?

Why does she need to? The problem was solved.

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