Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

409 replies

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:16

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

OP posts:
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 19:39

Social services want her to stay here. I don't have much right to get rid of her it seems, H has the house in his sole name (on purpose for control) and in reality i have no right to be there. He's told me to f off now.

OP posts:
Riverlee · 08/09/2023 19:43

Are you safe?

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 19:44

@BritishDesiGirl
No but now he speaks to them and says she like a daughter etc etc.

The literally worst thing for me in a way is the fact I was getting frustrated in that I wanted to help her and get her to make her medical appointments and succeed in her interviews etc and somehow I'm the bad guy.
I am so angry right now

OP posts:
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 19:45

@Riverlee
Im safe, im sitting in the car a few roads away.

OP posts:
frustratednomad · 08/09/2023 19:45

Have you got somewhere safe to go?

Pinkdelight3 · 08/09/2023 19:47

Social services want her to stay here. I don't have much right to get rid of her it seems, H has the house in his sole name (on purpose for control) and in reality i have no right to be there. He's told me to f off now.

If you're married it's your house too, he doesn't have control of it at all and you have as much right as him to say who stays there (and before the updates, he didn't want her there either - what's changed?). SS can want all they like, you've got no obligation to house her and they have more responsibility for her than you have. Jesus it's like you're living in a different world where randoms can move into your house and you have to put up with it. This is not the case. Don't take their bullshit! If you do, you'll never get this sorted.

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 19:47

@frustratednomad Not currently. I've phoned a friend but they are at a party and couldn't hear me. They said they'd call in a while.

OP posts:
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 19:48

The house is rented .

OP posts:
BasicPumpkinSpice · 08/09/2023 19:50

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 19:39

Social services want her to stay here. I don't have much right to get rid of her it seems, H has the house in his sole name (on purpose for control) and in reality i have no right to be there. He's told me to f off now.

They want her to stay so that they don't have to deal with it.

ellie09 · 08/09/2023 19:53

No offense to the SS in your area, but if this wasn't an anonymous board and I knew who you were, I would be reporting for the safety of your kids.

That's how serious I feel this situation is.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/09/2023 20:03

'Uni has some emergency accom but it's short term and not free'

There we go - she can go there. They won't be allowed to make her homeless very easily.

Also there are options if she has no recourse some charities can fund accom eg here southallblacksisters.org.uk/sbs-no-recourse-to-public-funds/#:~:text=Even%20if%20you%20have%20no,recourse%20to%20public%20funds'%20rule.&text=Call%20the%20police.

She should be speaking to the housing officer at the students union.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/09/2023 20:08

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 19:48

The house is rented .

Could you move out and run away from both of them?
Honestly op I'd be so tempted to do this. Take your kids he will have to pay you child support it should help you rent somewhere else. Leave them both to it

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 20:12

@Unexpectedlysinglemum
I can't at the moment. I have a flat thats let so am not homeless. I work so I can't go to refuge. But I don't earn enough to pay privately. I am working hard to either go up one grade at work or until my tenants lease is up, but then its a totally different area so would have to move schools and an then at the mercy of a custody case. I'm trying to work towards finding a place around here. For now I'm abit stuck.

OP posts:
frustratednomad · 08/09/2023 20:17

Have you got your dc with you? I'm very worried about you all

BasicPumpkinSpice · 08/09/2023 20:19

You should talk to a local housing association. They may be able to help you.

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 20:19

DC are at home being put to bed. I'm not dragging them out at night.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/09/2023 20:19

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 20:12

@Unexpectedlysinglemum
I can't at the moment. I have a flat thats let so am not homeless. I work so I can't go to refuge. But I don't earn enough to pay privately. I am working hard to either go up one grade at work or until my tenants lease is up, but then its a totally different area so would have to move schools and an then at the mercy of a custody case. I'm trying to work towards finding a place around here. For now I'm abit stuck.

I really feel for you good luck op!! (I'm assuming moving in with family isn't an option?)

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 20:23

I did go to local council, he kicked me out 4m ago and we were out for a while in a hostel but I was trapped as I couldn't be housed nor would a refuge accept me due to my job. But if I quit my job I'd not get universal credit anyway, but mostly then I'd be trapped not being able to work and move out from the refuge. In reality the way out is to carry on with my career and get myself out in a solid way. I am getting there . Because I didn't (couldn't) accept the refuge they discharged their duty.

OP posts:
ellie09 · 08/09/2023 20:35

I think you understand the situation is wrong but what I don't think you see is just how urgent this really is.

Your H sounds like a proper abusive a**hole if he isn't allowing you or your children to feel comfortable or secure in your own home.

I had a similar situation where I escaped DV. Ex started an incident at around 9pm on a Thursday night. He punched me across the nose. DS at the time witnessed this. I had absolutely no hesitation in packing my bags along with my DS and drove off to the nearest Premier Inn and spent the last of my wages on 2x nights while I tried to work out a long term plan! I even had to borrow £30 from family to help feed DS and I went very hungry for those few days before I was paid again!

The point is, we would never allow our children to be exposed to a potentially dangerous situation. You know NOTHING about this woman - she could have a criminal history in another country, previous arrest etc and she's now in your home, probably angry with the latest situation. I certainly wouldn't be allowing my children to sleep or live in that house.

I do feel for you but where is the motherly instinct to protect? You've done more to protect a 26 year old woman you barely know than properly safeguarding your own flesh and blood.

Nazzywish · 08/09/2023 20:36

OP could you afford the mortgage on your flat at all? Is it just in your name?

You need out and he's def sleeping with her and she is seeing him as an easy way out if problems and using him, he provides the money and family set up she's going to need now that her own marriage is in tatters. Think smartly now. Set a time limit for yourself and start preparing an out. You can't stay in this situation it's too messed up for ur kids

Nazzywish · 08/09/2023 20:38

And where are you OP could one of the refuges geared towards ethnic minorities help more? Southall Black sisters , karma nirvana type thing?

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 20:42

I've been dealing with WA, we have a plan for me. I am fighting every instinct in my body not to grab the kids and run but the reality is I don't have an option right now but to keep chipping away. If I am.not stable when I leave he will succeed in a custody case. I am so nearly there for me, when we married he wanted me to a housewife but I realised quite soon that he isn't the person that I can leave myself so vulnerable for. I've got my degree against his wishes, by some good luck I found the best job for me that had both a career path and is flexible, I now have a company car so he can't control that but I just am not financially ready, even if I have universal credit because I've been planning it all, to leave and be self sufficient right now, I wouldn't even scrape by. I am very nearly there.

OP posts:
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 20:45

Karma nirvana couldn't help as it wasn't honour based. SBS I didn't get hold of and then I gave her the number and know she hasn't bothered. I know they are better placed to help. I won't be spending more time on options for her now, 1000% not after tonight. Looking through the messages I can see, she had no incentive or reason to call any of these people. Why would she, she had a golden goose.

OP posts:
Kaz40s · 08/09/2023 20:50

What?? What has she got to do with you & why on gods green earth is she living in your house with your family rent free, eating your food & getting looked after like one of your children?? Catch yourself on, its one thing having sympathy for someone in diffs but this is absolutely ridiculous! You don't even know the woman, she's taking complete advantage. Move her out pronto!

MoreThanAMumma · 08/09/2023 20:59

Reading your updates has me so worried for you!
On one hand I am glad for you it’s out in the open and I do hope she packs up and leaves tonight!
But then you’ve let us know there have been so many issues with your husband. He sounds awful and I really do hope you get the support you need to get out of that home with your DC.

If this were me, I would go home and attempt to sleep in my child’s bedroom with them. Not saying you should do this, but could that be a safe option for you?
You can’t stay in your car all night and by leaving the kids in the home, he could try to claim that you have abandoned them.

Maybe contact the Refuge helpline to see if they can give any advice on what you can do tonight