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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

409 replies

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:16

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 09/09/2023 09:17

I’m sorry you’ve just signed a 12 month contract. I think you’d have to offer a big incentive - eg to pay some of their on costs, give them the month for free and allow them to just move out without the massive cleaning job etc. I am a landlord and it would be whatever it is to get the place back. The rental market is really tough atm.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/09/2023 09:17

Cross post. Thank goodness for that.

BasKaro · 09/09/2023 09:21

The girl came in with tea. I've tipped it down the sink. You know that scene in The Crown when Diana hugs the Queen and says "mama"? It was like that. I mean she didn't hug me because I ignored her but she was speaking in that same kind of baby voice saying "didi (sister)... can you give me one last hug...?"
I have massively massively dodged a bullet here. Thank god my H got angry and got her out, whatever his aim is of it. He's obviously twisted up the story to make it like I've kicked a poor victim out in her time of need but now I don't give a hoot. She's gone. Literally not my problem anymore .

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 09/09/2023 09:28

now I don't give a hoot. She's gone. Literally not my problem anymore .

Well done. This is good - you were pushed too far and your boundaries kicked in finally, that's huge progress. Your DH sounds like he can't be thought of as the bad guy, same as when men cheat and project blame onto their spouse. That's who he is and he's predictably shit but on the bright side, she's gone. And you're coming out of it stronger. Hang onto that and keep progressing.

INeedAnotherName · 09/09/2023 09:44

Congratulations on getting rid of one problem. Make sure she doesn't come back when the other person realises what a problem she is. You already know your husband is a yes man so be ready.

Now it's time to really find out where you are financially, what housing you can afford etc. If you can afford to stay where you are by yourself and prefer to stay there, then approach your landlord. They might be able to take him off the contract.

ellie09 · 09/09/2023 09:57

Well done on getting rid of one half of the problem.

Id be now settling my home life back in for my children and working out a long term plan to leave the household with my children. Do you have your own family who you can confide in and who can help you?

Go to WA, CAB, the local council. Let them know your situation. You'll probably need some savings as well.

Also take this as a good life lesson that any housing in the future, especially if you have kids, should be in a joint name.

Best of luck!

ellie09 · 09/09/2023 10:46

A thought just crossed my mind - did your landlord know about this additional person in your home?

I know that some would like to know.

Id also be making H aware that it could breach of contract, pulling stunts like this and he is putting his family's home at risk.

Batalax · 09/09/2023 10:52

I was going to say contact your LL. They aren’t going to be happy for another person to move in long term, but fortunately that isn’t a problem now.

Batalax · 09/09/2023 10:53

Ooh hadn’t refreshed and seen Ellie has just said the same.

Flipbopboop · 09/09/2023 10:56

If you can afford it, change the locks just in case she tries to come back.

Batalax · 09/09/2023 10:56

Also if dh always wants to be seen as the good guy, can’t you cut some sort of deal with him where he moves out and you take the blame for the split? Maybe exaggerate how you wanted her out etc. Thus letting him save face?

Worth a try.

Olika · 09/09/2023 11:12

Amazing news! I am so happy for you! Smile as some PPs have said, now start thinking of a plan for you and the kids. Good luck!

graceinspace999 · 09/09/2023 11:40

Hi
There was no attempt to offend or troll hunt by me.

I expressed a thought that occurs to me from time to time while reading here.

My post is now deleted and I accept that.

However your post was personally insulting to me.

You know nothing about my life.

There are ways to disagree without resorting to insults though it does require more effort.

graceinspace999 · 09/09/2023 11:42

Jaemoon · 08/09/2023 14:54

It is 'just' you and it's bloody annoying.

If you can't contemplate anything beyond your own mundane existence then that's not OP's fault.

I really hate these troll hunting by stealth posts. If you don't believe it, report it.

My previous post was in response to this unfortunately it wasn’t included🤷‍♀️

Puddycatfan · 09/09/2023 12:36

I know in my last post I was quite short with you, it was borne of frustration and anger.

I am so pleased for you. Hopefully the rest of the situation can be resolved and you can have some peace.

Emz6103 · 09/09/2023 13:02

Isittimeformynapyet · 08/09/2023 16:21

Who are you talking to?

Clicking the 3 vertical dots at the top right of a post will reveal the "quote' option. Use that so your response isn't a complete waste of time.

Like this? If this has worked thank you so much lol bit like pissing on the wind it never pops up on the right place

Tinkerbyebye · 09/09/2023 13:40

Tell her to leave. She is not your problem, May have suffered abuse but tell her to go to a woman’s aid and they can sort, or the council is homeless

she obviously is not going to help herself

MariePaperRoses · 09/09/2023 13:54

Tinkerbyebye · 09/09/2023 13:40

Tell her to leave. She is not your problem, May have suffered abuse but tell her to go to a woman’s aid and they can sort, or the council is homeless

she obviously is not going to help herself

Have you read the thread?

Evieanne · 09/09/2023 14:16

This read like a hum tv/star plus tv series with the way she was behaving 😂but glad you don’t have to deal with the guest any more OP

Erdinger · 09/09/2023 14:46

Evieanne · 09/09/2023 14:16

This read like a hum tv/star plus tv series with the way she was behaving 😂but glad you don’t have to deal with the guest any more OP

Exactly. So many twists.

HowDoesThisWorkPlease · 09/09/2023 15:08

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:32

Exit plan really is her earn her fees (8k - unlikely) and finish her masters, go on to a post study work visa which will allow full time hours then get on her own feet. If she can't pay her fees then I don't know, I've been giving her the number for a womens aid type service that can give specialist advice to non permanent residents /no recourse to public funds but she just won't call. I have taken abit of a step back , also I can't call everyone as they want to speak with her not me. I guess if all else fails she'll have to return home but I am guessing there will be a court case here ? I've tried to give her a plan, even paid for her provisional licence but she just never finished the form and they ended up refunding it.

This cannot be an exit plan OP

You have been really kind but this cannot continue

uncomfortablydumb53 · 09/09/2023 16:49

I'm delighted for you she has gone!
Your new life starts now... or as soon as you can get the tenants to leave

historyrepeatz · 09/09/2023 17:36

Good, you didn't need an entitled 26 year old child on top of everything else. Did you cancel your weekend away?

Toomuchtrouble4me · 09/09/2023 17:36

Take your kids, sell the house and leave DH and her to it. Fuck that for a game of soldiers, they saw you coming!

TreacleBeps · 09/09/2023 18:05

This sounds like a joke! 🤣 some you don't know moves in and you pay for everything, no wonder she has no respect.
Do you have another room??? Asking for a friend 🤣