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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

409 replies

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:16

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

OP posts:
KatyKopykat · 08/09/2023 11:18

Kick her out. She can go to her dad

KatyKopykat · 08/09/2023 11:19

And your husband sounds strange too

VickyEadieofThigh · 08/09/2023 11:21

How long has she been with you and what's the exit plan?

You need urgently to sit her down and organise her move. Do it today.

ClawedButler · 08/09/2023 11:21

What?

I must have missed the bit where this is your mess to sort out.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/09/2023 11:23

How long has she been with you and what's the exit plan?

I was just about to ask the same, and the exit plan's something I'd be asking her about - soon

Acheyknees · 08/09/2023 11:24

'Morning CF, we think it's time for you to move out as you're obviously not happy here, does Sunday suit?

Throwncrumbs · 08/09/2023 11:25

She sounds rude and entitled. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s not slagging you off to people. Tell her she needs to move out and give her to the end of next week. She’s a guest not a lodger and she’s taking the piss!

PinkCherryBlossoms · 08/09/2023 11:26

This whole situation is incomprehensible.

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:27

Sorry, for context she is a student here , no recourse to public funds and really can't safely return to her home country, has no womens refuge options here really, his family is turning up at her families home/work back home and her husband said that he has previously kidnapped an uncle of hers (he says he has a video but unsure whether he's just scaring them). They don't come from the most law abiding country, it's a country well known for ill treatment of women.

OP posts:
Whichclubisittonight · 08/09/2023 11:29

Why is your husband emailing her a bitchy email about you, but also expecting you to look after this girl that he brought home?

Where does her dad live?

MNetcurtains · 08/09/2023 11:30

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:27

Sorry, for context she is a student here , no recourse to public funds and really can't safely return to her home country, has no womens refuge options here really, his family is turning up at her families home/work back home and her husband said that he has previously kidnapped an uncle of hers (he says he has a video but unsure whether he's just scaring them). They don't come from the most law abiding country, it's a country well known for ill treatment of women.

Why is a women's refuge not an option? Does her father live here? If so, bundle her into the car and drop her off there.

Jaemoon · 08/09/2023 11:31

I'm also from a similar country to this woman and I don't understand why you haven't told her to leave.

She's taking you for fools. Tell her she needs to be gone by Sunday.

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:32

Exit plan really is her earn her fees (8k - unlikely) and finish her masters, go on to a post study work visa which will allow full time hours then get on her own feet. If she can't pay her fees then I don't know, I've been giving her the number for a womens aid type service that can give specialist advice to non permanent residents /no recourse to public funds but she just won't call. I have taken abit of a step back , also I can't call everyone as they want to speak with her not me. I guess if all else fails she'll have to return home but I am guessing there will be a court case here ? I've tried to give her a plan, even paid for her provisional licence but she just never finished the form and they ended up refunding it.

OP posts:
ToughFuss · 08/09/2023 11:33

I think ‘what the actual fuck’ sums up my thoughts on this quite well. I would be incredibly suspicious about my husbands motives in having her in the house given the long horrible email about you he sent to her. She needs to get out, asap.

Insommmmnia · 08/09/2023 11:34

her husband said that he has previously kidnapped an uncle of hers

You have kids and you are putting them at risk surely?

If she is at Uni can they not help? Can they not find her accomodation? Often students drop out in the first few weeks/couple of months so she needs to make them aware she is a priority for the next available room

LookItsMeAgain · 08/09/2023 11:35

She needs to stay at a women's refuge wherever that might be. You need to liaise with them to take her in as she has nowhere else to go. You cannot accommodate her at your home any longer.
I think you've been very generous so far and nobody would think any the less if you tried to find her alternative accommodation at this point in time.

Watchkeys · 08/09/2023 11:36

Just give her the details of WA, Citizen's Advice, local council offices, and send her on her way.

Why do you think she's your responsibility? Are you feeding and homing the rest of the homeless people in your area? If not, why is she different?

Motnight · 08/09/2023 11:37

This is utter madness.

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:37

Dad lives abroad where she is from.
My husband is a totally separate issue, he said he did it firstly because she was praising me "too much" (damn right, I've not even taken annual leave because I'm so behind because I've been taking her most days to wherever she needs to go, then cheering up palaver afterwards) then he said she was putting him down so wanted to give his life.story. my husbands bonkers/narc. , put him to one side for the mo. That whole thing was beyond every line of appropriateness no matter what his crappy reasons.

OP posts:
DivorcedDiva · 08/09/2023 11:38

This doesn't sound like your problem to solve. How old is she? She sounds quite immature. I would have strong words about whilst you appreciate she is having a hard time, you have no obligation to let her stay there, so unless she sorts herself out, she won't be staying. Very strange all round.

MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 08/09/2023 11:38

How old is she and what is she studying?
Am bamboozled that she is with you and family?! Why on earth was that the conclusion of her needs?!

Jaemoon · 08/09/2023 11:41

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:37

Dad lives abroad where she is from.
My husband is a totally separate issue, he said he did it firstly because she was praising me "too much" (damn right, I've not even taken annual leave because I'm so behind because I've been taking her most days to wherever she needs to go, then cheering up palaver afterwards) then he said she was putting him down so wanted to give his life.story. my husbands bonkers/narc. , put him to one side for the mo. That whole thing was beyond every line of appropriateness no matter what his crappy reasons.

Bloody hell you're wasting months of your life just so you can get some praise from her.

She's not worth it, tell her she needs to leave this weekend.

Jaemoon · 08/09/2023 11:42

It's psychologically easier to ask someone to leave in warm weather.

Do it now before the rains start next week!

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:42

To be fair, my husband is fed up and wants her out. I think he revelled in being a hero at the beginning but i know the reality of these situations. She has no rights to public funds so even WA confirmed she'd not be offered a refuge. Part of the stipulations of a student visa is showing she has funds to remain here for her course. Her husband took those funds . She would end up destitute, it's not unheard of to hear of girls from her same country ending up in very very desperate situations /prostitution/suicide. She's registered with a housing charity but that was more of a tick box exercise after her MARAC in my opinion, they can't actually help her.

OP posts:
DelilahJane · 08/09/2023 11:42

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:27

Sorry, for context she is a student here , no recourse to public funds and really can't safely return to her home country, has no womens refuge options here really, his family is turning up at her families home/work back home and her husband said that he has previously kidnapped an uncle of hers (he says he has a video but unsure whether he's just scaring them). They don't come from the most law abiding country, it's a country well known for ill treatment of women.

Take her to her University support services. They have a duty of care for her wellbeing.

Given her current circumstances the University I worked at would have provided her with emergency accommodation and been able to assist her seeking help with other relevant authorities.

This isn't your problem to deal with

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