To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

[BasKaro]

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

He won't take the kids because I pay all the childcare. I'll see about going back, he's moved himself in to the kids room about a week after I came back 3m ago so I do have my own room. I drove past and his light is on. If I don't fall asleep ill just go back in, keep my mouth shut and bide my time like before. I really there was a faster solution for me. I hope she's still going, at least I won't have to pretend after today. I honestly think she'll go back home on reflection because she can't look after herself at all and only her parents can really give her this level of whatever she needs. Anyway she has loads of info on where to get help, I really hope she gets gone and at least let me live in somewhat peace until I can get out too

I'm confused about how this has escalated.

Your husband has taken the woman's side and thrown you out or you have walked out?

Your kids are inside the house with them?

If you gave your husband an ultimatum and said if you don't throw her out tonight forever and let me back in, I will be seeking a divorce and custody of the children, what would he say?

He would say carry on and apply. This hasn't escalated as such between us, we already had beyond repair issues. I was only ever really working away at getting stable and enough income to get out. This certainly is enough to mean there is no going back on that. Half the issues with her (his pity/nasty email) are because of how he is and why I wanted to leave anyway. He did have some remorse when I saw the email, more remorse than I had ever seen in him because usually he doesn't care at all but that soon wore off. I am not dealing with it anymore. He can be as sorry as he likes. But I do need to remember my own bigger picture and pick my battles (after shes gone ) because his emails etc aren't relevant to me now, im already done with him. I don't need an explanation/justification because there is absolutely nothing that can justify sending that, even if they somehow proved no affair. But certainly i don't want her in the place where.my kids and I are.

What an utterly bizarre way to live your life and for children to be involved is absolutely appalling.

What are they seeing? A strange woman suddenly start living with them. Mum and dad at odds.

Their minds are being wrecked by all this.

I'm confused as to why the husband is still in the country. If she is the lead sponsor and the relationship has broken down, he would be requited to leave.
OP, I hope you get this resolved but be wary of what she might try next. She may even claim to be pregnant. Look after yourself and your children.

This has escalated. Hope everyone involved is safe and well.

There's a few holes in the story, and the updates are making it hard to follow. But the foreign student living 4 hours from her university and working online only? I can't see that being allowed. She might as well be doing the course from her own country.

I can't see why her "husband" is still in the UK?

I can't understand how she is finding things like her mobile/concerts etc.

I can't really fathom your OH's role in all this, especially his vested interest in her, unless they are closer than they appear outwardly.

I can't understand how this individual would happily take money, food, board and support from virtual strangers and not have an ounce of common decency to realise this is not normal.

But most of all, I can't understand why you would not only put up with this, but also enable it.

And yer Husband's an arse

Sorry can't work out how to edit on my phone but the about meant to read "funding" this, not "finding"

Agh " above"!!!

I've read all of OPs posts and my goodness i wasn't expecting the last updates. I'm so sorry it's escalated in this way.

Uni had some emergency accommodation but thats short term and I presume not free.
Not your problem if it's short term or not free, however it is available and she needs to be in it. End of conversation.

I am surprised that Refuge didn't take her in, unless she told them she was fine living with you. I "know" of someone who brought a Tunisian woman over to become his wife and well...the police were involved due to assault and she went into a Refuge. No job, no college, no money, unable to return home, just promises of a relationship/marriage. I think yours is fobbing off all help so she can stay with the golden geese (you) who will fall for her manipulations. She's laughing at you.

Well I am back in. I'd been actually locked out which stupidly surprised me. A mutual friend read him the riot act about putting this woman before me and he unlocked the door. I heard him on the phone with the guy from outside (he's very loud) and then he went to her room to tell her something. I don't speak the language very well but it was that I was coming back then the speaking was quieter. I just had a bath, came out and she was coming upstairs and I said she was shamless and to expect no more help from me. She'll go and cry to him now but whatever . I think this has really shown me I probably can't keep biding my time in this house, I have doubts she will go because she is now the victim of me in Hs eyes. I don't want my kids around it so might just try and get back to my flat ASAP and hope this, and him allowing a violent stranger in to the home with the kids here is enough to stop him getting custody (along with all the other stuff he does ). I just worry if he gets the custody thus type of thing will go on without me being here to protect them. He'd have any waif or stray in because he likes the praise (he's a true narc) and them have them beholded to him and have a free maid or childcare etc. He made his choice of her over family . Totally exhausted but far too stressed to sleep

H is a narc. He tends to somehow find these vulnerable women ( i was one !) When we split for 18m 5 years ago he had given one woman money and she never repaid him, was taking another shopping and to the police to report her ex and he hardly knew them. He then had messages to another girl whod just split with her partner , nothing dirty but still abit creepy and letchy. And to top it all off he was offering the girl for her kid to come and ride MY pony (which he hates and keeps telling me to get rid of). Mostly they are either from his volleyball or in the last i think like mates of his mates girlfriends. He has a hero complex but then really quickly drops people. That's why I doubt the affair, but he is at the very least wanting to be the big man. He thrives on her family telling him how much he had done for her daughter etc even though its all bloody me. The utter shamelessness of them really is beyond me now.

I really hope you can find a way out and that you are your children get to have a safe, secure and settled life that you deserve.
Please take care of yourself.

Seems like a scenario for a murder but I'm pretty sure your husband and her will not be the victim.

There must be something going on between them and I would be very careful that they are not plotting your downfall to get you out of the way.

I don't think I've ever read about such a bizarre and completely avoidable living scenario as this odd arrangement.

Wow, this escalated quickly! What a pair of oxygen thieves they are. I hope you get out OP.

How much longer before your tenants contract ends?
Your DC shouldn't be living in the middle of this!
Forget this woman, and get you and DC out of there
You've done more than enough for everyone. Concentrate on your DD's future now

uncomfortablydumb53
Literally just started 12m a few weeks ago. I'm just gonna ask if they will consider it. Fingers crossed.

Dear OP, I hope you are okay, and that things calm down enough to avoid you having to leave before you are financially ready to. I feel so sad for you that your husband has humiliated you for such a pointless person, and that is something he has form for. You are obviously far too smart and independent for him and he has to console himself by appearing important and 'rescuing' vulnerable women who are clearly pulling the wool over his eyes. You and your DC have no place in this pathetic scenario and if you can all get out in one piece without unnecessary emotional battering, so much the better.

Sorry it’s come to this, but I’m glad MN has shown you how utterly wrong this situation is that you accepted and helped you plan your exit a bit quicker. At least he has people he knows telling him it’s wrong.

Update: hes taking her to the friends today. Had the worst night "sleep" of my.life but at least one stress should be going

Great news if she has gone and hopefully not just temporarily.

Also, I imagine your husband will be out a lot now as he will be visiting her, so that will give you some more peace at home.

Holy moses, she just came in and gave me tea, said she's going and asked for "one last hug". We've never hugged ! Omg literally counting the seconds

Really? Because I've just moved into a block of six new flats, council has bought two blocks of six so twelve flats in total.....all brand new and I'm the only English person here the rest are from east Europe! None of us read the daily mail. One thing I will tell you is actually I'd much rather live amongst these people is, for one they're happy, they don't argue, they don't drink to excess and they keep themselves to themselves. They're not stressed like English people they don't seem to have the same worries, meaning they're not tainted by the whole American celeb-music industry -sport idol worship and seem to enjoy being with their family on weekends. This latest batch of hot weather sees them all out in the town in the evening enjoying each others company from small child to grown up, yes they're drinking but not like English people. Brits are struggling LF they are taken advantage of by local and national government via taxation. They drink to excess they cannot afford to pay the massive rents nor buy a house. I have nothing against my neighbours but twelve brand new flats and only one for an English person IS the reality and yes it seems like you've got more chance of being helped via council if your foreign. To quote the daily mail and eye roll is why were in this mess....too busy fighting each other!

Wow can't believe what I've just read here.

I wouldn’t be drinking that tea if I were you.

He never makes you tea and he wants a “last” hug, after all that drama? Why “last”? What is he doing next? How is he trying to trick you? What is his plan? Is he expecting you to lower your defences before he does something more nasty in his usual style?

Shes gone. Never again.