Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

409 replies

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:16

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

OP posts:
ScottishWoman · 09/09/2023 18:27

Holy moly. Get her out. Not your responsibility. Call social work and she can live in safe housing/emergency accommodation. You've done a lot and when someone doesn't appreciate it they can GTF.

Terrribletwos · 09/09/2023 18:46

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 18:33

Im.not the same nationality, even by heritage if that makes sense. I am their religion though.
H has a disgusting trait that he does tend to side with whatever is against me, I've blocked his calls at the moment but he started calling off her phone and says now I don't hate her, I can't be bothered with whatever he says. He jumped on me even though I've had to rein him in so many times for being unsympathetic and suddenly its all on me. I wash my hands of it all. I know if she backtracks on the whole thing I'll be "blamed" for calling the police and encouraging her to tell the truth to the doctors etc. Now I see why people just don't get involved . I think they are phoning me now because they realise they've cut their noses off to spite their faces by 1)him telling her to go like asap and 2) her saying she'll go to india. Maybe they thought I'd stop them, or did out of anger now regret it because its very easy to make flippant statements like shes now off to India, the reality is very different. She can certainly afford a one way ticket. And, she does have some extended family in the UK too.
Hopefully she'll be gone by the time I get back, hoping they both have enough flounce in them to make sure the bags are packed and shes gone to his friends like he said.

You say here that you're the same religion but further on you say that you can't have another wife, we are a different religion...I am confused?

Redandpinkstripes · 09/09/2023 18:51

I honestly had to read that twice as I could not believe what I was reading. Hell no! would I put up that shit for another minute. She is taking the utter piss and mistaking your kindness for weakness. She is not your problem!

Milliemoo6 · 09/09/2023 18:54

I don't understand why you haven't had a conversation with her about her behaviour? You're all adults, and it's your home. If you want to carry on supporting her then set some ground rules, you need to help her to help herself, not do everything for her.

Sudoku88 · 09/09/2023 19:17

Time to get rid. No excuses, tell her to sling her hook and shut the door behind her. She is completely ungrateful and taking the piss big time.

frustratednomad · 09/09/2023 19:19

Why are people telling her to get rid? I thought she had gone

cimena · 09/09/2023 19:30

She means people are assuming they’re Muslim but they’re a different religion

Lolasgame · 09/09/2023 19:35

This is very confusing. She doesn’t sound grateful at all, if you really have to help her maybe buy her basics not very expensive creams and beauty parlours. Make her do with £1 Nivea and the likes, you must be minted. Also wouldn’t her husband be able to target her at her university then follow her to your house.

Zooeyzo · 09/09/2023 19:52

I know what culture this is from your name @BasKaro this is actually not unbelievable and your guests behaviour absolutely believable. You're lucky she's going. The one more hug would have had me throwing the tea at her and your husband.

MZ22 · 09/09/2023 19:58

Not sure where you are based but have you tried Southall black sisters, including for accomodation support? This sounds like exactly the situation they deal with. They are excellent and might be able to signpost to similar if you're not in London

toxic44 · 09/09/2023 20:09

She's found a convenient and comfortable nest - you. The more you give, the more she will demand. You have done your Good Samaritan bit. Move her out.

Justsu · 09/09/2023 20:19

I’m so sorry you are in this predicament, it sounds close to unmanageable for you. It does sound as though the university might be your best option. As someone else has said, it is just possible that accommodation might come up at this stage of the first term. It’s worth a try anyway. I don’t want to sound harsh, but I’m wondering if you seriously have any other option but to tell the university her funding situation has changed and arrange for her to go home

Isinglass20 · 09/09/2023 20:20

It seems to me OP you’re being groomed to be the fall guy in an immigration scam. All these reams of self justification won’t wash with the border force. My advice is to grab the kids and get out now.

ASongOfRiceAndPeas · 09/09/2023 20:35

Your use of language indicates you’re intelligent but at the same time I can’t understand half of what you’re saying… is it just me? What on earth is going on and how have you let your husband allow a female (near enough) stranger into your home? And somehow the buck has fallen to you to sort her out? I’d be fucking off in to the sunset myself and leaving them to it to be honest. You have kids, I’m sorry but they should be your priority as well as yourself.

Throwncrumbs · 09/09/2023 20:45

MNetcurtains · 08/09/2023 11:46

How is the uni going to react when they find out she doesn't even have funds for the tuition?

She needs to be put on a plane to home country.

Show quote history

This..if she can’t pay her fees the university won’t help her. She needs a flight back to where she’s from, not stay here being kept by people she doesn’t know, she obviously doesn’t want to go back while she’s living the life of luxury!

Throwncrumbs · 09/09/2023 21:05

I’m surprised she hasn’t got pregnant already….

windmill26 · 09/09/2023 21:25

Time to go,she is NOT your problem. I can't believe some people.I would have helped you out with cleaning,cooking,looking after the kids etc...anything to repay the generosity and help ...shocking behaviour on her part!

Catopia · 09/09/2023 21:38

On Monday morning, take her to the university's student support. They will be able to help her to sort her out with student accommodation or they will have a network of student landlords. They will be able to help her work through her options and come up with a plan for how she funds it, or they may be able to help her out from a student support fund. They literally have people whose job it is to help students having a crisis. Explain to them that she will be evicted by you either on Friday or next Monday (not a Sunday, that's literally not helping anyone) and that they need to sort her out before then. She's not stranded in this country, she literally has the support of a whole university pastoral support system open to her and has not utilised it.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 09/09/2023 21:38

SHE HAS GONE!!

Catopia · 09/09/2023 21:42

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 09/09/2023 21:38

SHE HAS GONE!!

I've just refreshed and seen.... that escalated quickly during the time it took me to ice a cake!

SuperA1982 · 09/09/2023 21:43

I think the post is unclear - it was the woman's ('the guest') husband who wrote the nasty email.

Rubiconmango · 09/09/2023 22:13

Wtaf did I just read?! I would never in my life do an act of kindness and have someone display this level of control and entitlement! You can't go saving the world. I'd drop her off to the police station. They'd find her a solution. She is absolutely disgusting! And sorry, but your husband sounds like an absolute tool!

Purplepinkfairy · 09/09/2023 22:25

You are being used and taking advantage off. Tell her to move out.

Pupinski · 09/09/2023 22:29

C'mooooooon. You know the answer to this already, don't you?

pandp · 09/09/2023 22:53

Can she present herself as a refugee, then she would be given somewhere to live, possibly a hotel, and some money to for her immediate needs. I suggest she contacts the British Red Cross, however from your posts it seems more likely that it will fall to you. You really need to get her out of your life before her influence negatively affects your children, your job and your marriage. You have already gone above and beyond, put yourself and your health and well being first

Swipe left for the next trending thread