To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

[BasKaro]

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

Wtf
Can you make any of this make sense?

Take her to the university.

I don’t understand most of this but if she’s at university she will have access to a wealth of support including accommodation, but she will have to step up and be an adult.

How is the uni going to react when they find out she doesn't even have funds for the tuition?

She needs to be put on a plane to home country.

Why was your husband called when they were evicted? And why did he decide this was the best course of action?

If she literally has no where to go and you’re willing to continue supporting her you have to set clear boundaries about her behaviour and your expectations of her, and explain that if she can’t adhere to those she’ll need to find alternative accommodation. Make sure to outline she’ll also need to contribute financially by increasing her working hours. Tell her you’ll give the situation a month to see how it goes and then review the ongoing suitably of her continuing to live with you

Show her the post. Tell her that if she wants to stay her behaviour will have to change. if not give her a week's notice and a letter to say that she can't live with you anymore, which she can take to the council.

Because her husband is a moron.

@Jaemoon 🤣🤣🤣 that actually made me lol

I don't want praise from her, my husband just took umbridge with the fact she was praising me.

Reading this all has really taken a weight off me. I felt so guilty for feeling fed up, not necessarily with the help but the immaturity and entitlement. I am seriously going to start making steps to see if there is something like Southall black sisters who can take over.

Shes 26. She has the mind of a teenager though. But that also means she will easily fall into a bad situation. Like I've been telling her, and the police told her to report his aunt calling her on 101 as it can be a breach of his bail if he asked her to make the call, but she keeps showing me outfits for some upcoming festival instead. And also the bedsheet doesn't match all the new bedding and curtain set I got her. I seem to be spending my working hours with her phone pressed up to my face showing me various tik toks. Omg.

Why are you ignoring everyone?

This is not your problem. You have kids to look after. Your husband has crossed a line. She is an absolute dick

Yes she may be a victim. But she's also been rude and massively inappropriate.

You don't owe her anything.

If she had been kind I might have thought differently. But she's made her bed here.

Tell her to leave this weekend. Get your husband to fucking grow up

The more you say about your husband, the more I wonder whether YOU should be the one getting out.

my husbands bonkers/narc. , put him to one side for the mo

I don't think you can just 'put him to one side' when he got you into this situation in the first place. He is as much part of the problem as the woman who is staying in your house.

My guess is that your husband, who has been emailing her to slag you off, was either hoping to sleep with her and was rebuffed, or has actually slept with her and now she's refusing to let it happen again.

Imo, there are massive cultural issues at play here.

Glad I made you lol! And also glad you feel validated and are finding your anger.

I'm Asian, we have had to be very firm with family members asking to stay for a couple of weeks and then thinking they can stay for ever.

A relative once stayed at my parents for 4 years! Don't let this be you, OP.

Trust me, drop the rope and make the break. I guarantee she will land on her feet.

Text her now!

She needs to go.

I'd give her until next Friday as services will close over the weekend - she can get her family to pay for a plane ticket, or throw herself on the mercy of the university. But no more. She's a total piss taker.

How is any of this even remotely your problem?

@MNetcurtains 100% 🤣 if I was here on the first days no.1 he'd have not set one foot in the house, he'd have been plopped off at the police station. And I am unsure about her but I presume the police would have sorted something? I have no idea what he was thinking , it's I guess not seen as terrible as we see it (he's from the same country as them and did balk when I went ahead and called the police immediately when I found out).

Oh and at 26 she is a fully grown ass woman. It may help if you stop thinking of her as a girl!

Who even is this woman 🤣

"A girl we don't know has ended up at our house."

Why did you invite someone you don't know to live in your house 😆. The rest is just incomprehensible. Ask her to leave, you don't know her.

You have done the first aid, well done for the help. Now she needs to move out a quick. She is taking the piss regardless of the other situations.

@ManateeFair
He doesn't like her but he certainly wanted a pity party or an ego stroke at my expense.
I do have plans longer term for getting out of this whole shit show, yes he started the mess bringing this into the home, he didn't even "help" as this chap could have been arrested 3 months ago if my husband wanted to actually help. And I probably seem abit blasé about the email because that's just typical of him and doesn't change how I feel particularly because I have checked out anyway, it just reinforced he can't behave within normal boundaries and respect his wife or marriage. But at the moment I am here and shes the present issue. I guess thats why I want to help because I know what its like to be trapped because of the lack of help.

Surely the university can support her through all this if she is a student. I'd tell her to go to the university pastoral care with the information and the fact she doesn't have anywhere to live and no money as husband stole it.

University support services. Pack up her stuff and drop her off there.

You're being used and emotionally abused.

You need to end this set up now.

I'm not convinced you've been told the whole truth either.

If she is a student there will be a welfare team at her place of study. She needs to speak to them, she isn’t your problem to fix. She sounds like an ungrateful prick tbh.