Husband golfing- 3 week old baby

[HuckleberryBlackcurrant]

I had a C-section 3 weeks ago. We have 2 other kids, 4&6. Husband heading off on a golf trip tomorrow, will be gone for 2 days.

Am I right in being upset that he's going? It's an annual thing with some friends, but I missed my annual trip with my friends this year due to just having given birth.

He's been on paternity leave and has been keeping up on the laundry and dishes mostly, and taking on the care of the older 2, letting me nap with baby etc.

I've only just been cleared to start doing any type of housework. I hate to nag, but the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I'm able to do more now, but bending and squatting is still painful, and it's stressing me out thinking of trying to play catch up. It's upsetting because I worked so hard to have everything spotless and up to date before I had the baby and it's all going to rack and ruin now.

He's arranged for my MIL to have the older 2 boys overnight, and she's available in the daytime if I need her. I can't lift my 4yo if he throws a tantrum. That's my main concern about being alone with him. My 6yo will be in school all day Friday.

I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish.

The house wouldn't bother me so much if I knew I could slowly get back on top of it. But we have company coming in a week, who are staying for a week and it's really stressing me out.

I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf. He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back, which I know he will. But I just feel a bit cheesed off. I think with him being on paternity leave, he really could have been doing more. The house is a state.

The reason I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable is that I know we are fortunate he has leave. I know many people have to do all this alone.

Normally, I'm not so quick to judge dads who want to let off a bit of steam and get away for a bit. Christ knows all parents need it. But in these circumstances and how you have described them - there'd be hell to pay in my house if this was happening! You've just had major surgery delivering his child and he's swanning off to play golf and hasn't even in the slightest bit been pulling his weight enough with the housework.

At the very least, he should have had the house spotless for you before he left and he would be arranging full care for both your older children during the duration of him being away.

Paternity leave isn't meant for gold trips with buddies...especially not when your partner has been through a C section! I'm sorry OP but it doesn't sound like he respects you, or your children for that matter. He should want to be creating a clean, comfortable and safe home for you all and doing as much as he can to make things easier for you all. If it would have been a night out a few weeks down the line, that would've been a different matter. But to leave you all last weekend pretty much and then to be swanning off again. Absolutely no. You deserve better. As do your kids.

Just talk to him tell him how you feel

I think he maybe needs reminding that he is an EQUAL partner here .He isnt "helping" he should be doing his fair share! Leaving you alone is selfish,but you say he asked you if he should go and you didnt answer in case of a row.Most RL will have arguments and thats normal .Losing your temper is sometimes better than suffering and bottling it all up.Make sure you rest ,he can tidy up when hes back! You are owed a nice Spa break? Maybe lunch out with friends ?.On a separate note ,4 weeks after a C section it is very early to be having company.Can they not go to a Holiday Inn or similar.If they do come surely they would understand you have just had a baby? Either way ,he cooks /you have take out ,and you need a rest in the afternoons!

Yeah I’m not sure he’s being that unreasonable to be honest. It’s not ideal, but it’s presumably just one night? And then you’ve got family coming to stay in the house for a whole week. (Which sounds exhausting - did they not offer to stay in a hotel once they found out you will have a tiny baby which will presumably be crying in the night etc. Sounds stressful to have guests to entertain.)

I don't hold high hopes for my brother being any better TBH. They don't have kids yet so they don't get it

Hmm. So I’d be more worried about the week of them needing entertaining with a house full of little kids than the one night your husband will be away.

You are paying for them, or rather he is, so just factor in some extra time for tidying before they get down to the cleaning. Or tell your older kids that any toys / clothes left lying around need picking up and putting away before they get binned.

I'm incredulous he thinks leaving a woman 3 weeks post major surgery, with a baby & 2 children to care for, alone is acceptable. Ok, you have MIL on hand, but you are HIS wife, still physically and emotionally vulnerable, and they are HIS children. HIS responsibility.

There won't be many times in life when his stepping up and putting you first will be more important, imo. And he has paternity leave to help him do that - it's not for golfing trips.

OP, if he ever needs significant surgery and full on care afterwards you know what to do - go on holiday and leave him to it.

Paternity leave is for supporting your partner and bonding with baby. Not fucking off on a jolly. At best, he is thoughtless and needs a dose of maturity. At worst, he is self-centred and needs a big kick up the arse. Your MiL should have given him a bollocking too, what was she thinking?!

You want him to have an epiphany and realise he shouldn't even have considered going. He's going to disappoint you, unless you communicate clearly and give him the opportunity to reflect and realise. Stop being nice about it. Tell your MiL how let down you feel. Tell the truth.

Why hasn’t he been tidying up, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms in 3 weeks ffs? That’s pathetic

then he goes golfing for 2 days.

is this how it’s going to be when your mat leave ends and you’re back at work OP? Him doing token amounts and you working and doing everything else ?

I note it’s other women he’s asked to come and help you. The mil and aunt need to say ‘no and tell him to pull his own weight’

'Helping' is an unhelpful word. It implies the baby is your responsibility

His reasoning is that because he's on paternity leave he has plenty of time to do multiple days out golfing? What a selfish twat. Paternity leave is for caring for your child, not bloody golfing. So he's already been out golfing 2 weeks after you having major abdominal surgery and you have a newborn plus 2 young children. And now he wants to go off again for a weekend? Yeah I'd be telling him if he goes on the golfing weekend, not to come home.

@itsgettingweird Enjoy the 2 days chilling haha yes it’s very chilled recovering from major surgery with a three week old baby to look after all by yourself 🙄

He is on paternity leave to help! Not to play golf. He's being selfish in the extreme. You are vulnerable and defenseless at the moment - that won't always be the case. Next year you can dump the dirty bathroom on him and all the children and go for a four day break with your friends. And dare him to object!

It really ticks me off that men get away with pretending not to see work needs doing- it's a common theme.

"Helping" with housework?

He is on paternity and you are laid up, he should be doing it all and asking you what you fancy him making for lunch.

How sad is it that he likes to live in a clean house, probably prides himself as a breadwinner and in his wor role but "cant" keeps house to the expected standard that you do.

Golf - he should want to miss this trip.
As an adult we dont always get to do everything we want and when the kids are older he wint need to make this sacrifice - it's just one small part of his life that his kids are little and restrictive.

Assuming you wont LTB I think you need to ensure meals are prepped and arrange for someone in your support system or MIL over in the evening to help with managing both kids for dinner and bed

So he's not had time to do the cleaning since he went on leave over all those weeks but will have plenty of time to do it in the few days he's back.....lazy twat.
Tell him your booking a cleaner and he's paying and you need a bit of space from the kids so you're out with mates the day he's back as he's had 2 days me time.

What is a poor show is him going in the first place

I ended up divorced in my 1st marriage OP for a H who prioritised his leisure time (football matches mainly) and who I genuinely cannot remember doing any housework- ever! He too used to describe it as childminding or 'help'

I'm all for people having space and fun time but straight after a C section- that's just plain selfish- and as someone rightly said asking his mum was to facilitate it being easier for you not to object , not to help you

He will “help”???

I suggest that next time he is I’ll or injured you leave him to manage all 3 DC.

It’s really unacceptable and YANBU. You’ve had major surgery. He’s a bastard.

I hoped he would decide not to go. He asked me if I thought he should not go. At that moment I was so hurt that he still was considering going that I couldn't answer. ......
I think if I would have told him I needed him to stay he would have done it for sure. He would have been disappointed but not resentful. But I feel that he shouldn't have even entertained going at all.

You seem very passive!

"I hoped he would...... I was so hurt I couldn't answer..... I think if I would have told him..... But I feel that he shouldn't"...

What is stopping you from using your words and actually communicating with him?

You mention that you don't want to argue in front of the children. But you also describe him as a reasonable guy. So why should it not be possible to discuss these issues in a reasonable manner? If nothing else, it would show the children how to resolve disagreements without arguing.

Any person with any ounce of common sense and love for their other half wouldn’t go away and leave their partner with a three week old especially after a C section. Especially when it’s a trip he can do another time.

My husband pulled out of a weekend trip to see a match that had been all organised when he realised my due date meant DC was going to be a newborn. He never said anything to me about pulling out of trip. He just did it.

This isn’t wrong. OP has said several times that she wouldn’t speak up because she was “hormonal” snd she was afraid of getting in a fight.

OP there is nothing wring with being blunt and speaking your mind. EVEN IF you are “hormonal “ whatever that means. You are recovering from major surgery, you are mothering a newborn, and you have two other young children! You need help! You need care! You need a full time husband, cleaner, nanny caring for you! Your husband is an absolutely selfish asshole who does not respect your health and is not thoughtful or gracious or loving at all. I have two children and my DH was incredibly caring towards me and them for years after the births—and now, too. He would never have dreamt oof leaving me alone at three weeks post partum. He cared about me and the babies.

He will 'help' with the housework when back? Sounds like he still thinks housework is your job even though you've just had major surgery and he's doing you a favour by doing any.

I would arrange a cleaner for a deep clean while he is away.
He is being a dick and you aren't standing up for yourself properly OP.
You shouldn't need to to but it looks like you are going to have to be blunt about the fact he needs to do more.

Tell him he's a prick and you would get more help if he 0121done1

Why isn’t he working? He has a wife with a tiny baby and two other children who need feeding and clothing, yet instead of running around caring for them AND finding himself another job, any job , he is frolicking off on another away weekend with his golfing chums. And it won’t be a couple of rounds of golf will it, there will be meals, rounds of drinks, accommodation, travelling there and back. Spending money that should be in the family bank account not being flashed around to benefit other people.