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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband golfing- 3 week old baby

566 replies

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 07:12

I had a C-section 3 weeks ago. We have 2 other kids, 4&6. Husband heading off on a golf trip tomorrow, will be gone for 2 days.

Am I right in being upset that he's going? It's an annual thing with some friends, but I missed my annual trip with my friends this year due to just having given birth.

He's been on paternity leave and has been keeping up on the laundry and dishes mostly, and taking on the care of the older 2, letting me nap with baby etc.

I've only just been cleared to start doing any type of housework. I hate to nag, but the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I'm able to do more now, but bending and squatting is still painful, and it's stressing me out thinking of trying to play catch up. It's upsetting because I worked so hard to have everything spotless and up to date before I had the baby and it's all going to rack and ruin now.

He's arranged for my MIL to have the older 2 boys overnight, and she's available in the daytime if I need her. I can't lift my 4yo if he throws a tantrum. That's my main concern about being alone with him. My 6yo will be in school all day Friday.

I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish.

The house wouldn't bother me so much if I knew I could slowly get back on top of it. But we have company coming in a week, who are staying for a week and it's really stressing me out.

I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf. He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back, which I know he will. But I just feel a bit cheesed off. I think with him being on paternity leave, he really could have been doing more. The house is a state.

The reason I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable is that I know we are fortunate he has leave. I know many people have to do all this alone.

OP posts:
BoxOfCats · 13/09/2023 09:38

Why on earth are you writing him a list? He's an engineer, you said yourself he's quite logical. Presumably he has enough intelligence to work out what needs doing. He just hasn't been because he thinks it's your job to do that.

billy1966 · 13/09/2023 11:27

Lastchancechica · 13/09/2023 09:05

At some point this is going to register with the government, this isn’t just a passing trend. Women are refusing to sacrifice themselves, their careers and their bodies for a life of hardship. It’s happening much more quickly in Asia, but is a global trend almost everywhere.

It’s already landed with economists, whom are becoming alarmed at the drop in birth rate and what that means for pensions and social care.

At some point we will have to entirely restructure society to put value and emphasis, support and resources into maternity and family units or it will literally die a death. The benefits of having a family diminish every passing year, as young women recognise the sheer sacrifices that will be required of them for multiple decades.

Motherhood has been systematically devalued and downgraded for decades. Is anyone really surprised that we have had enough?

Completely agree.

Girls are so ambitious, these days more than ever.
I see it with my daughters and their friends, every single one of their friends, without exception aiming for the most challenging degrees, med, law, accounting, pharmacy, orthodontics, chemical engineering, actuarial careers, finance.

Ferociously ambitiously.

Why after years of study would they easily give up their career when supports are scarce and they know that it is a lottery out there if the father will share the load and pull their weight after the baby arrives.

It's a huge gamble that increasingly, highly educated women are not prepared to take.

My girls have seen and hugely admired my various childless friends that are now in their 50's and deeply happy and content role models for them.

They all look so fresh and youthful too!

Lynz32 · 13/09/2023 12:06

billy1966 · 13/09/2023 11:27

Completely agree.

Girls are so ambitious, these days more than ever.
I see it with my daughters and their friends, every single one of their friends, without exception aiming for the most challenging degrees, med, law, accounting, pharmacy, orthodontics, chemical engineering, actuarial careers, finance.

Ferociously ambitiously.

Why after years of study would they easily give up their career when supports are scarce and they know that it is a lottery out there if the father will share the load and pull their weight after the baby arrives.

It's a huge gamble that increasingly, highly educated women are not prepared to take.

My girls have seen and hugely admired my various childless friends that are now in their 50's and deeply happy and content role models for them.

They all look so fresh and youthful too!

Show quote history

Well said. I don't have children and don't intend to. My husband is a partner in an architect practice. I work in heritage as a historian and neither of us want to give up our careers for the sake of having kids. We are very happy just the two of us and our main ambition is to see as much of the world as we can together. My auntie who is on her 60's has never had kids and she has always been a free spirit travelling the world and having a career, and I have looked up to her since I was a child.

Notamum12345577 · 13/09/2023 15:25

Piglet89 · 13/09/2023 08:50

And while we’re here: mat leave is also fucking boring. A conspiracy of silence for the majority I reckon. Sharp-brained women reduced to wiping arses and singing “wind the bobbin up” at infinitum?

No wonder women get depressed!!!! Anyone would!!!

Wind the bobbin up is a great song though 🤣

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/09/2023 00:05

OP. You say you accept your role as a SAHM means that the majority of the housework and childcare falls to you, and I understand that
but
your DH was on paternity leave, a generous one, and that was given to him so that whilst you were out of action, he had paid leave specifically so that he could be the stay at home parent, in your stead and look after his family whilst you were recovering from major surgery.

Its not just the trip. He wasn't doing enough of that BEFORE the trip. Yet he let the housework pile up.

The justification is he really really wanted to go on the trip. Whining that you should have asked, you should have told him, you should have written a list ... I think he's relied on the old don't ask, just do it anyway and apologise later technique and he's got off very lightly.

Kazzykamys · 14/09/2023 08:34

Don't forget that its 24/7 boring as well ;)

Jezzabear · 14/09/2023 09:39

All new mothers need care, as well as new babies and old. All l fathers get neglected. All people need holidays, from both work and home responsibilities. Obviously.

Why do arrogant people, practically ignorant of some other family's domestic relationships, circumstances and arrangements, after hearing one side of a complaint or question, presume to make strong judgments on Mumsnet as to where a "proper" balance lies?

T1Dmama · 14/09/2023 10:21

He was obviously having doubts about going if he asked both you and his mum whether he should be going!
I understand you feeling unable to tell him or even ask him not to go… but his mother?!… I’m pretty sure his mum and dad should’ve/could’ve said to their own son that they didn’t think he should leave his wife and child for golf so soon after the birth! A

Piglet89 · 14/09/2023 15:15

@Jezzabear if you read through the OP’s numerous posts on this thread (assuming she’s being truthful) you’ll see she’s given us plenty of facts on which to base our views.

she asked: we answered. Fairly unanimously, I’d say.

She is not being unreasonable.

Jezzabear · 14/09/2023 18:19

The lady has a serious case, strongly expressed; but however strong, we cannot do it justice without hearing both sides.
Some of the comments regrettably fail the other fundamental rule of justice, the rule against bias!

SurprisedWithAH0RSE · 15/09/2023 02:10

Jezzabear · 14/09/2023 18:19

The lady has a serious case, strongly expressed; but however strong, we cannot do it justice without hearing both sides.
Some of the comments regrettably fail the other fundamental rule of justice, the rule against bias!

You seem confused - are you new to the internet? It’s a discussion board , not a court of law. People are giving their opinions, not legally binding judgements.

If you don’t like women with opinions you are not going to like it here.

billy1966 · 15/09/2023 09:22

Jezzabear · 14/09/2023 18:19

The lady has a serious case, strongly expressed; but however strong, we cannot do it justice without hearing both sides.
Some of the comments regrettably fail the other fundamental rule of justice, the rule against bias!

Do you not understand the concept of an anonymous advice site?

I think you should look up what that means.

It would help to prevent you posting as you have.

Whitste41 · 25/09/2023 20:03

I'm rather late to the party but interested to see if he went? OP please stop making excuses for him. Can you honestly say that you'd go away and leave him to it if he'd had a baby by emergency C section? I think you'll find the answer to this is absolutely NOT and that's why your questioning your gut instinct. I was married to a golfer and these people are something else in terms of their sense of entitlement to monopolise this hobby over everything else. I feel sorry for you because it never improves...

DaisyValentine89 · 15/11/2023 17:54

I would be a livid volcano of hot rage OP...........I feel your pain. I would do 3 things:

  1. Cancel the company coming for a week, you have just had a baby and a Csection that's way too much on you and your children to adapt to a new baby and have company in the house for so long, who will need looking after and will take your precious energy away from your babies. Reschedule for a time better suited to YOU. It's your family, your home, your energy.
  2. I would tell your husband exactly how you feel, calmly. If he does nothing to rectify the situation, doesnt cancel his trip,or doesn't learn how to clean a house properly when he comes back ( if he still goes on his trip atall) then you need to action a swift plan to change his behaviour, whether that involves couples therapy, arguments, or giving him a taste of his own medicine, that's up to you.
  3. I would immediately source help from somewhere, either a cleaner to come in, a friend, or a family member. I'm sick of women in this country being told they should do it all, and then women actually being " proud" when they do do it all! It takes a village to raise a child and support a new mother........don't be shy to ASK for help, or hire help! If you can't afford it,tell hubby to spend less on his bloody golfing jaunt and fork out the money to pay for a couple of one off cleaning and baby sitting sessions. That's literally the bare minimum he can do, and it's still a lot less than you deserve!
Kazzykamys · 15/11/2023 22:32

My experience both times was to be stripped of income, choices and control and gradually bored but overworked, unappreciated and profoindly exhausted all at the same time. If I were to be very honest.

LBFseBrom · 16/11/2023 13:35

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 07:27

@Doingmybest12

That's how I feel. There's always next year. Why can't he forgo this time.

I agree with you. He is being very selfish.

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