Husband golfing- 3 week old baby

[HuckleberryBlackcurrant]

I had a C-section 3 weeks ago. We have 2 other kids, 4&6. Husband heading off on a golf trip tomorrow, will be gone for 2 days.

Am I right in being upset that he's going? It's an annual thing with some friends, but I missed my annual trip with my friends this year due to just having given birth.

He's been on paternity leave and has been keeping up on the laundry and dishes mostly, and taking on the care of the older 2, letting me nap with baby etc.

I've only just been cleared to start doing any type of housework. I hate to nag, but the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I'm able to do more now, but bending and squatting is still painful, and it's stressing me out thinking of trying to play catch up. It's upsetting because I worked so hard to have everything spotless and up to date before I had the baby and it's all going to rack and ruin now.

He's arranged for my MIL to have the older 2 boys overnight, and she's available in the daytime if I need her. I can't lift my 4yo if he throws a tantrum. That's my main concern about being alone with him. My 6yo will be in school all day Friday.

I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish.

The house wouldn't bother me so much if I knew I could slowly get back on top of it. But we have company coming in a week, who are staying for a week and it's really stressing me out.

I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf. He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back, which I know he will. But I just feel a bit cheesed off. I think with him being on paternity leave, he really could have been doing more. The house is a state.

The reason I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable is that I know we are fortunate he has leave. I know many people have to do all this alone.

I'd be furious.

Sick of men being applauded for doing the bare minimum.

What have you said to him about it?

Twat. And cancel the guests staying for a week too.

Did you tell him?

Not surprised you are cheesed off. Sounds like he's made a plan to support you with MIL but why is it a priority to do the trip away at this time. That's what always disappointed me. Yes it will be ok, yes there is some support but why is it more of a priority to go away?

@SunRainStorm

I've not said too much really. I'm tired and hormonal so I think it would end up a fight.

Last weekend he golfed most of Friday and Saturday too, and had his Aunt watch our 4yo. I did say I don't think it's fair to ask other people to watch our children so that we can go off for recreational activities. I said I had never done that.

His response- 'Is that a point of pride?'

'No, I just don't think it's fair to ask people to go out of their way to babysit for an activity we could forgo.'

If I asked him not to go, he wouldn't go. But I'm upset that he even wants to go.

What’s his excuse for not having hoovered or cleaned the bathroom? If he was going to even consider going the bare minimum I’d expect is that the house is spotless first. Also I’d cancel the guests.

Blimey missed the guest bit and the bathroom bit and the golf last weekend bit. He's selfish enough said.

@PuppyMonkey

It's my brother and his wife, they are travelling from a different country and the trip was planned before we even got pregnant!

I'm excited for them to come, and I know we will get the house clean. But if he stayed home from golf we would have more time to get it done. His reasoning is that since he's on paternity leave then he will have plenty of time to help me clean after he gets back. But I don't want to sit and look at it for 2 days. I'll do as much as I can but I am still recovering from my c section and get sore easily.

No - he's a dick.

My husband had a night out when DS was 5 weeks old (and had emergency section), I stayed at my parents for the night so I wasn't alone - but Christ did I make him pay for it. I was miserable, emotional and just a stressed out wreck.

He knows not to do the same this time around.

I would say over 8 weeks, sure. 3 weeks? No way in hell would I allow that.

You use some telling language in your OP..

Letting me nap
My 4 yo
My 6 yo

I think what these men don't realise or care about is that being a good father , pitching in and fully committed is attractive and the alternative is not.

He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back

He’ll ‘help’ when he gets back? That’s awfully fucking good of him. Aren’t you a lucky girl? 🙄

He hasn’t arranged for MiL to have the eldest two to give you a break. He’s arranged it to remove a barrier against him going. My DH is a golfer, so I understand the passion they have for the game, but it wouldn’t even occur to him to book a 9 hole round in these circumstances. I’d be hoping he snaps his driver.

@TropicalTrama

I finally got annoyed about the crumbs on the carpet and pulled the vacuum out to do it myself. Then he got up and did one room, as he knows I'm not supposed to be doing that yet.

The bathroom, I really don't know. I've been wiping down what I can reach myself, so it doesn't look too bad unless you look closely.

I had to point out to him how filthy some of the surfaces were, that was before I was cleared to do any housework. Now, I can surface clean myself.

I would run over his golf clubs.

I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish.

No. It’s not “a bit selfish”, it’s horrendously selfish. He’s completely prioritised his own hobby and fun time over the well-being of everyone else.

I did say I don't think it's fair to ask other people to watch our children so that we can go off for recreational activities. I said I had never done that.
That’s a fine and perfectly normal thing to do so long as it’s a genuine ask, not pressuring and the relative is free to say no. Don’t conflate that with the real issue - he’s not helping with the new baby, the house is a tip and he’s going away for 2 nights leaving everything in that state whilst you’re still recovering from major surgery. Twat.

@Nagado

That's so true, I didn't think about it like that. He knows I can't manage the older two right now so unless he asked someone else he wouldn't be able to go.

I told my MIL I wasn't happy about it. She said he had asked her whether she thought he should go and she said that's up to him. I think he was trying to get her to give him the thumbs up but she remained non committal. think she's not best pleased with him but trying not to take sides.

Get a cleaner first off. Even if you hadn't had a C section I think cleaning is just something you shouldn't have to worry about for a month or two.
Whether it's unreasonable is hard to judge because it's not clear if this is some long arranged annual trip or something with some significance that he agreed with you. Or just a last min trip with the lads. If the latter then YANBU
At least he's arranged some help with MIL I guess.

@TropicalTrama

He has been helping with the baby while he's been home.

He should be ashamed of himself, letting his wife who is still recovering from surgery struggle with the vacuum because he's too lazy to do it.

Clearly his solution to everything is to find the nearest female relative to palm his responsibility off to. He seems to think women exist to facilitate his leisure time.

Paternity leave isn't for golfing trips, and the least he could do is get everything in good shape before he goes.

Ask him not to go. A morning playing one round locally, perhaps reasonable, not time away overnight.

Okay so housework needs doing more by him if he's meant to be doing it - no real excuse for that. But you had a baby three weeks ago, does everything need to be spotless to your standards - you said he's keeping up with laundry and dishes, letting you nap with baby + looking after the older two DC, if the house is dirty to being grim levels that's different to having different standards.

From your update, it does seem like a point of pride tbh - you shouldn't get someone to watch your child for an activity you can forgo? You can forgo almost anything, but I think it sounds like you both deserve some "you" time, there's no gold star for never having your children watched so you never get to do recreational activities.

I think YABU to stew about it if you've not told him you don't want to go, saying you're upset he even wants to go - tell him. No one's a mind reader and measuring people against standards you've not communicated because they're just in your head will never lead to happiness, you have to talk to each other. Trying to get his MIL to agree he shouldn't be going is just odd if you haven't told him to his face you're not happy about it.

I don't think YABU to be upset with his lack of effort in keeping things tidy at home (he's not helping when it's his home too!) or the fact he's off so soon after the birth of DC.

@Doingmybest12

That's how I feel. There's always next year. Why can't he forgo this time.

YANBU

He has outsourced childcare of the older ones so you can't query him going.

It would help if he got someone in to deep clean house if he's not up to it.

Much as you would like to host, I don't think it's going to be easy having people there for a full week. Unless you live in a huge house. Can't your brother stay with someone else, or book premier inn?