Husband golfing- 3 week old baby

[HuckleberryBlackcurrant]

I had a C-section 3 weeks ago. We have 2 other kids, 4&6. Husband heading off on a golf trip tomorrow, will be gone for 2 days.

Am I right in being upset that he's going? It's an annual thing with some friends, but I missed my annual trip with my friends this year due to just having given birth.

He's been on paternity leave and has been keeping up on the laundry and dishes mostly, and taking on the care of the older 2, letting me nap with baby etc.

I've only just been cleared to start doing any type of housework. I hate to nag, but the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I'm able to do more now, but bending and squatting is still painful, and it's stressing me out thinking of trying to play catch up. It's upsetting because I worked so hard to have everything spotless and up to date before I had the baby and it's all going to rack and ruin now.

He's arranged for my MIL to have the older 2 boys overnight, and she's available in the daytime if I need her. I can't lift my 4yo if he throws a tantrum. That's my main concern about being alone with him. My 6yo will be in school all day Friday.

I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish.

The house wouldn't bother me so much if I knew I could slowly get back on top of it. But we have company coming in a week, who are staying for a week and it's really stressing me out.

I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf. He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back, which I know he will. But I just feel a bit cheesed off. I think with him being on paternity leave, he really could have been doing more. The house is a state.

The reason I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable is that I know we are fortunate he has leave. I know many people have to do all this alone.

He is not a good man.

He is so selfish.

He couldn't possibly care deeply for you and do this.

I would be mortified if my son did this to his wife, mortified.

I'd have zero difficulty telling him that.

It speaks to a huge unhealthy imbalance in your relationship that this is happening at all, and you are so silent on it.

Sort your contraception.

Mind you I wouldn't want such a selfish loser anywhere near me.

I feel so sorry for you.

@cruffinsmuffin

That probably does explain it. Usually I do the lions share of the housework and it works well for us as he works full time. I suppose it's not fair to expect him to just pick it up exactly as I would like.

Haha, the idea about the weights is tempting.

Can you get company in for 1 off mega clean at short notice. Will take a day and cost few hundred quid. You go to MIL for a sleep and explain why. Your DH is a lazy selfish twat...lol at "help you" with the housework. He can pay professionals from his golf funds if he can't step up to clean his house himself. I'm angry for you...

If he goes on this holiday, if he uses PARENTAL LEAVE, to go on a holiday and leave you - the wife he's supposed to love - who has just had major abdominal surgery with his three kids (including new baby) then you may as well divorce him.

He's showing you he doesn't love you, or your children. He doesn't prioritise your very basic needs of care.

He's telling you that hitting a tiny ball with a stick means more to him than your health, your kids safety and your mental well being.

He's not just a selfish prick, he's a waste of space man who can't even put the hoover round or clean a bathroom in a month!!

If I was your MIL I would have told him this in no uncertain terms and told him how ashamed I was that I'd raised a "man" who would even consider this.

@converseandjeans

We do have a fairly large house. We live in a rural area, no hotels available
I do want to have them, as we only see them every other year or so.

@FrontEnd

I don't want to spend money on something we should be able to do ourselves. Neither of us is working currently so it's a poor show if we can't get it done between us.

When you're looking after the baby do you see it as helping him?

He doesn't need to help you clean, he needs to actually do the cleaning when he gets back. Can you go somewhere for a morning or afternoon once he returns so he has an empty house and spends the time getting everything tidied and cleaned?

@HuckleberryBlackcurrant

It's definitely fair to expect him to pull his weight and do it now, but potentially not fair to expect him to automatically know everything you want him to do and to do it the exact way you would - as PP said, give him a list! There's no excuse for him being slovenly though.

My DH is the same, I do 90% of everything because of how our lives work, when I had an operation and suddenly couldn't everything aggravated me. I was looking at dusty blinds and hobs that had oil marks on, skirting boards with dust going mad inside my head thinking how was he so incompetent 😂 I lost my mind one day and told him how shabby things looked and he was genuinely shocked - he thought doing the main things (bins, bathroom, laundry etc) was what happened, he didn't realise all the little things I did that he never saw but made the house clean. Tbh he was amazing after that when I told him all of the extra little bits I did and he did them well!

Hope you manage to get something sorted, it's not nice having all this going on only 3 weeks post section, you need to be getting some R&R!

A poor show for who? Who cares?

Just book a deep cleaner. I know he should technically do it, but he isn’t and it’s stressing you out. It will at least give you one less thing to worry about apart from his behaviour.

He's a selfish prick. I also can't believe he left you alone last weekend too to play golf. At 2 weeks post section!

Won't his friends be judging him for coming on the trip this time?

@cruffinsmuffin

I do think if I pointed it out to him he would realize right away. I ran my finger along the back of the worktop to show him how bad it was. We live in a very dusty area and he didn't realize that it's not enough to just wipe where food is prepared, you have to wipe the whole surface too. I don't understand why men can't see these things haha. But it seems that they genuinely can't.

I think that's what's driving me crazy. I've been stuck in the sofa a lot feeding aby and resting and all I can see are the fingerprints and dust. It's worse because I can't get to it like I usually would

Stop thinking that “he will HELP me clean”. He is not helping you he is working with you to make a clean, safe environment for your family.

It is as much his responsibility as it is yours.

@Cosyblankets

I suppose not, I see the immediate postpartum days as mainly a time when mum and baby are a unit. So I expect to be doing most of the newborn care. I don't feel the same about our older children

Really - make a big hysterical scene - take golf clubs and throw them out the window! Scream and shout! You are not communicating with him. He is not being paid to play golf.

@GlitchStitch

Last weekend was the culmination, the tournament to finish off the whole season of golf. It was a really big deal in his golfing world. He did really well in the tournament too but I couldn't get excited about it.

But yes basically he's been golfing once a week all leading up to that event last weekend.

I’m in two minds. I can see why he wants to go and I can see how he could have justified to himself that it’s fine (that your MIL is helping, he has said he will get on top of the cleaning when he gets back and it’s only a short time). If you had said clearly that you’re worried and you don’t want him to go that’s different but it doesn’t sound as though that’s the case.

I think in your situation (and I’ve had 2 csections) I would have gritted my teeth and got on with it (I’m not a cool wife but I do know the value of time alone for both parents) but made damn sure he did the cleaning when he got back, did the majority of the childcare next weekend, and booked a weekend away for myself once I could leave the baby. And I agree with getting a cleaner.

Seriously? Paternity leave is given so you can help with the new baby. Not so you can spend your time going on golf jollies.

@Heronwatcher

I'm conflicted as well, haha.

If the house was a lot tidier I don't think I would mind. And I should have verbalized that to him. But I just hate to nag and I feel like he was already doing a fair amount. He's been getting up with our oldest every morning to get him ready for school. Been doing the run for our middle to preschool. Takes baby whenever I need him to. Kept up on washing and dishes. Made all breakfasts and lunches (we have a meal train for dinners). Kept up on garden. Taking care of pets.

It's just mostly the mess and clutter building up which is driving me crazy. And any deeper stuff like bathroom, vacuuming, mopping getting neglected.

He really is a good guy. Stupid golf season is ending at a really bad time.

I just still think he could have left the trip this year. I could use the moral support. If I'm giving up my health and sleep and body he could give up a golf trip for one year.

Then last weekend could have been the compromise if it was the culmination of something, and important for him to attend. Going away again this weekend after that is a complete piss take.

@Heronwatcher

He gets plenty of alone time, he golfs at least once a week and games at least once a week. I'm ok with that as I like my alone time too.

@GlitchStitch

That's how I feel really. Last week was annoying because I was only 2 weeks pp. But again he did arrange help for me with the kids. I just feel like I'm sacrificing a lot right now and he could afford to sit this trip out. I'm sure he's bored sitting at home and the humdrum of housework and kids. So am i. Wish I could take a day off! But we planned this baby so that's on us. No regrets about baby, we knew what we signed up for.

@Vinrouge4

Haha, yea, I wish I could go off on a nice night away right now.

He will”help you clean”? Up your game OP! He will do all the cleaning, bed changing, food shopping because

he has been a caddy daddy

cleaning is not dependant on having a vagina

you have a surgical scar that is still healing

it will do him good to realise how soul destroying cleaning is

Alternatively he:will pay for, and supervise the kids , while a couple of professional cleaners come in and blitz the house as you sit on the sofa and enjoy your new baby.

Ugh, he’s a twat. He’s using his paternity leave as bonus annual leave to get some more golf in and have some time off without actually using the time off to do the paternity part — supporting you. Basically a holiday at the expense of your physical and mental health. Deeply unattractive.