Husband golfing- 3 week old baby

[HuckleberryBlackcurrant]

I had a C-section 3 weeks ago. We have 2 other kids, 4&6. Husband heading off on a golf trip tomorrow, will be gone for 2 days.

Am I right in being upset that he's going? It's an annual thing with some friends, but I missed my annual trip with my friends this year due to just having given birth.

He's been on paternity leave and has been keeping up on the laundry and dishes mostly, and taking on the care of the older 2, letting me nap with baby etc.

I've only just been cleared to start doing any type of housework. I hate to nag, but the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I'm able to do more now, but bending and squatting is still painful, and it's stressing me out thinking of trying to play catch up. It's upsetting because I worked so hard to have everything spotless and up to date before I had the baby and it's all going to rack and ruin now.

He's arranged for my MIL to have the older 2 boys overnight, and she's available in the daytime if I need her. I can't lift my 4yo if he throws a tantrum. That's my main concern about being alone with him. My 6yo will be in school all day Friday.

I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish.

The house wouldn't bother me so much if I knew I could slowly get back on top of it. But we have company coming in a week, who are staying for a week and it's really stressing me out.

I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf. He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back, which I know he will. But I just feel a bit cheesed off. I think with him being on paternity leave, he really could have been doing more. The house is a state.

The reason I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable is that I know we are fortunate he has leave. I know many people have to do all this alone.

Yes he's really selfish.

I'm sure one of the notorious cool wives will be along shortly to tell you they entirely redecorated a house within 36 hours of birth while their husband went to a stag do in Vegas all with a baby attached to the breast and 12 toddlers and pets swarming round them and they were finnnnnnnneeee so just let the big man enjoy himself.

However he values and loves himself and his leisure time more than he values and loves his wife and kids. He obviously thinks the kids are not his responsibility as he's happy to palm them off at the drop of a hat. You're still healing and need support and he is just fucking off.

I would just say to him, it's completely your decision whether you go but the way you have behaved since my C section and the lack of support you have offered are making me see you in a very different light and I'm not sure I like you very much at the moment and see how he responds.

That's not some heroic effort.

I assume you have also been 'helping' with the baby? In addition to recovering from the surgery you had to safely birth the baby?

Meanwhile able-bodied him is skipping the cleaning and swanning off to golf.

Sorry I just had a c-section myself and I am so angry for you. My DH would not dream of going on a jolly right now.

He is selfish

Golf, it’s always golf.

Surely this isn’t the first time he’s not supported you, or failed to pull his weight?

It takes at least 6 weeks to recover from your surgery and he has left you with three dependants.
That to me is just plain unacceptable.

I wonder why is he thinks it is acceptable?!? Plain selfishness? His upbringing? Never having been vunerable himself so having zero empathy?

YANBU
My DH took up golf the week DD was born (he took 4 days paternity leave because he's SE) having never played before in the 4 years we'd been together! But he didn't go overnight.

@nevynevster

It's an annual thing that happens in our friend group. Every year it varies on who goes. My husband doesn't organize the trip. It would go ahead without him. He's been several times. I assumed he wouldn't go this year and just join next time.

Again with the ‘helping’? Helping who? Your Mil would be helping. Your brother would be helping. He is the baby’s father. It’s not helping. It’s called being a parent.

Please do show him this thread. I think he’s a massively selfish arsehole. He knows he shouldn’t be going or he wouldn’t have asked his mum what she thought. So he knows it’s wrong and he’s going anyway. Wow.

Yes I remember how painful my section was and he is a first class dick for leaving you like that. Definitely have a talk with him.

It is selfish.

And to leave the house in any kind of mess before he leaves is another level.

I'd want him to stay too. And I'd expect the house to be clean. He's failing on both counts here.

Tosser.

Op you've been completely warped about what's normal here.

Can you imagine doing the same to him? No? Because he's a selfish fuckwit.

"Helping " you. A "bit selfish". FFS.

Wake up.

Do better.

Honestly with 2 young kids, guests in a week, he's already fucked off to golf, and his mode in life is "the women around me are there to facilitate me".. awful awful man.

I can't believe you cannot see it.

I'd honestly tell him if he goes and doesn't spend the time catching up with this cleaning himself (not paying another fucking woman, a cleaner , to plug his failure) then don't bother coming back

Life is too short for this - if he won't step up when you're this vulnerable for an optional playabout... what's the point of him?

Totally selfish behaviour, my DS loves golf, but he didn’t play for years when our two were little, there just wasn’t time. He certainly wouldn’t have gone away to play when I had just given birth.

@Fizbosshoes

My DH took up golf the week DD was born

That's ridiculous. Maybe one of his friends advised him to get a hobby now he had a baby at home. It's rare for women to discover a hobby that takes them out the house for 6 hours on a weekend day on a regular basis. Honestly look at all the hobbies for men which mean they escape domestic drudgery & childcare - golf, cycling, football, rugby, fishing. Then when they get older it's bowls, allotments, walking.

I’d be very pissed off (as someone who has had 2 c sections)! The fact that someone else is helping look after the children almost makes it worse because then you’ve got another body in the house, even if it’s just to come and pick them up - it’s the feeling of having to vacuum ‘just because someone is coming over’ that I hate.
Hide his passport (or car keys if in the UK).

Christ why are you putting up with this

@cruffinsmuffin

You make some good points. I'm not usually very house proud, and the house is good enough right now. It's just really messy from stuff not being picked up. It's because I have company coming that I want it to be at a high standard. He knows I like to have it that way for company.

In my opinion, I feel like partners should give one Another leisure time. Like I take the kids, he goes out, vice versa. If I can't handle the kids alone, he shouldn't palm them off on someone else so he can go out. I do go out and have me time, but only when he can have the kids. Our kids aren't someone else's responsibility. I have no problem asking for help if I have an appt or other commitment. But I'm a SAHM so usually that isn't an issue.

You're right that I need to communicate with him more. He says he just doesn't see the things that need losing unless I point them out.

*doing

He is being selfish. The only thing I would point out is there’s a lot of “assumed” here. I KNOW you shouldn’t have to spell it out, but have you said “please can you clean the bathroom/ hoover today, it’s really bothering me.” “I would prefer it if you stayed home and didn’t go on the trip.” Everyone is likely sleep deprived and sometimes you end up having to be more blunt. It sounds like he things he’s helping because he’s getting MIL etc to help out when he’s not there. He needs to understand that’s not enough.

@FlamingoQueen

My MIL is great and doesn't make me feel that way. She is having the older 2 for a sleepover thankfully!

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

I've had an emergency c section and a hysterectomy and I think you are BU.

He's gone a night. He's arranged for your children to be elsewhere so you don't have to sort them out.

You've not discussed with him about not going or about housework standards.

You say he's been doing housework, the bathroom is unclean and yet you'd have to look closely to notice.

And you want him to forgo 2 days golf to clean the house so your brother can come for a week.

I hate when people are annoyed at others and think they have the right to be annoyed at others without even communicating with them and giving them a chance.

Enjoy the 2 days chilling and communicate with him when he gets back about what standards you have for housework as he's said he'll do it.

@jolies1

You're right. This is my first c section and I'm really struggling with it tbh. I hate sitting around and feeling useless and it's really stressing me out. I hate to sit on the sofa and give out orders. It makes me feel bad. I know if I asked him he would do it straight away.

If you're a SAHM there's the potential he's so used to you being absolutely on top of everything that he never needs to think about it - that switched to suddenly needing to sort it all out probably hasn't worked as well as it should have from his end. He definitely needs to work on that.

You're not in the wrong at all for your feelings about the house / golf trip, but you just need to be blunt and tell him. Like you said, just tell him the bathroom needs doing properly, or tell him to get sh*t tidied up. Or tell him you're actually not happy to be left alone so soon etc.

If you do want to sabotage the weekend, if his driver is weighted, adjust the weights or even the loft of the club. It'll throw his entire game off and if you're subtle he'll have no idea why!

@itsgettingweird

You have some good points. I do need to communicate. I just haven't because I feel like I'm not really in a rational state because of tiredness, hormones etc.

The bathroom, I've wiped the toilet and surfaces but if you took a wipe to the floor around the toilet it would be pretty grim. That makes me feel gross. Just an example though.

Honestly the rest of the house isn't dirty as I deep cleaned before baby. It's just a mess as we have kid's toys, baby clothes, hospital paperwork etc piling up. It looks worse than it is. And usually wouldn't bother me because I would know I could quickly whip around. But I'm moving slower than usual due to the c section.

I think I'll just do what I can when he's gone and then see what happens next week.

He's asked me to write a to do list and on there I have jobs I can do and jobs he's to do. I know he will do them as he's done it in the past.

OP, I only know this because I was the same until I lost my absolute shit when pregnant. My husband made me sit him down and write a list of what I needed doing. He’s done it brilliantly without fail ever since. Yeah he shouldn’t have needed the nudge. But it’s meant for a much happier home.