Husband golfing- 3 week old baby

[HuckleberryBlackcurrant]

I had a C-section 3 weeks ago. We have 2 other kids, 4&6. Husband heading off on a golf trip tomorrow, will be gone for 2 days.

Am I right in being upset that he's going? It's an annual thing with some friends, but I missed my annual trip with my friends this year due to just having given birth.

He's been on paternity leave and has been keeping up on the laundry and dishes mostly, and taking on the care of the older 2, letting me nap with baby etc.

I've only just been cleared to start doing any type of housework. I hate to nag, but the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I'm able to do more now, but bending and squatting is still painful, and it's stressing me out thinking of trying to play catch up. It's upsetting because I worked so hard to have everything spotless and up to date before I had the baby and it's all going to rack and ruin now.

He's arranged for my MIL to have the older 2 boys overnight, and she's available in the daytime if I need her. I can't lift my 4yo if he throws a tantrum. That's my main concern about being alone with him. My 6yo will be in school all day Friday.

I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish.

The house wouldn't bother me so much if I knew I could slowly get back on top of it. But we have company coming in a week, who are staying for a week and it's really stressing me out.

I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf. He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back, which I know he will. But I just feel a bit cheesed off. I think with him being on paternity leave, he really could have been doing more. The house is a state.

The reason I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable is that I know we are fortunate he has leave. I know many people have to do all this alone.

When my Mrs had our last... I wasn't allowed paternity leave. I took 4 weeks sick with stress only purely to be there to support and look after my 2 dependant children and immobile partner. I'm not even married.... It's just what you do if you a real man.

I've had 2 C-sections and I was in pain for many weeks your husbands behaviour is bang out of order! I feel for you so much as I know the physical pain you're enduring right now and the emotional upset this is causing you, plus to top it off you have two other young children to contend with.
There should be NO golf on paternity leave for him as paternity leave means paternity leave, looking after your wife/partner that has given birth to your child it doesn't mean swanning off somewhere with your mates.
Also Cancel your visitors staying fgs it's way too soon for all that...think of your mental and physical health there's no way you're ready for all that palava, believe me like I said I've had two C-sections .
Take care lovely ,stand your ground and please rest xx

Well done and yes you're a real man for doing that bless your heart 👍

Sorry you're going through a tough time, and feeling left alone can be incredibly challenging. It's clear that you're juggling a lot right now. My husband, who is a fantastic father and contributes significantly at home, also requires his own downtime. Whether it's hanging out with his friends or enjoying a football game, these seemingly trivial activities are significant for his mental health and stress management.

While it might seem a bit much to ask family members to babysit while he engages in these activities, he is probably prioritising his mental well-being. This doesn't mean you're expected to cope alone. As others have suggested, consider hiring additional help like a cleaner, ask other family members to help...etc.

It's tough to be put in this situation and maybe unfair, but perhaps you could plan a relaxing spa day for yourself when he's back? Parenting, although fulfilling, doesn't have to entirely consume your life. There could be a way to strike a balance, so you don't feel overlooked. It's okay to carve out some 'me' time too. Maybe he will understand better your pov too when he is left alone while you go away.

Big hugs!

Nope. You don’t clean. not while he is away. Not next week when he’s back to “help”, or in following weeks.

You use any time you have this weekend to look at local cleaners and their reviews. PAnd next week you choose one, and book a deep clean.

and at same time book them to come biweekly until you’re fully postpartum and have closed your diastasis recti. This will take at minimum, without a c section 8 weeks, but can in a lot of cases take much longer. Don’t give a time line to cleaners, just book a regular clean and keep them on till you’re ready. Personally, hailing learnt my lessons over the years it would be at least 6 months.

closing diastasis recti is particularly harder after c-sections as a lower muscle has also been sliced through. Failure to do this can lead to issues with chronic back pain. I know this. I have had a hernia for years, and now, 29 years after my 2 csections can sometimes barely walk with back pain. The front of my legs are often numb, I have pins and needles constantly running down my legs when walking, which turns into hip burning. People who say there are less injuries with c sections often don’t realise that injuries don’t manifest themselves till years later. I also have a twisted spine due to adhesions caused by c sections which also contributes to back pain.

If dh complains about cost, tell him if he can afford a non essential spend on golf holiday, he can afford this essential spend to protect your long term health and mental well-being. You will not be risking your long term health with cleaning. And you are also getting upset and stressed over the state of the house which appears to not bother him much given he was happily allowing it to deteriorate over last month and doing nothing to stop it. Since you and he will only argue this point relentlessly, paying for someone else to take away that discourse in the home, as well as taking a mind numbing, back breaking, and soul destroying , shit task off your plate to spend time recovering from major abdominal surgery and caring for a new baby.

The only thing I can possibly add to @Appleofmyeye2023 excellent post is that this mustn't be an excuse for him to do eff all.

Not ok!

If he did, I would expect a fully clean house, arrangements for family members or friends to look after the older children and cooked meals in the fridge for me and the kids.

I guess his trip cost money? He should of spent that on a cleaner if he isn't capable of cleaning the house properly.

Does he know you aren't happy with the state of the house? If he does and he doesn't do anything about it, that is just unacceptable!!!!

While he's packing his golf bag I'd telling to pack the rest of his stuff aswell!
Totally selfish

I'd be dark.

Tell him he has to pay for a cleaner.
And if he takes two days off... you get to take two days off when it suits you, leaving him with the kids. Appreciate that you may need to bank your two days until you finish breast feeding.
That would be fairer in my view.

It's a poor show for your husband only.

You're not working because you've just had a baby and major surgery.

Thought it was six weeks rest after C section. Was 13yrs ago

You have every right to feel cheesed off. For me I think this is completely unacceptable.
Being a father of 2 myself (both of which were c sections). I can remeber clearly how much my wife struggled through gritted teeth coping with every day tasks, she was Expexted to perform like any other Mother.
It is, I don't care what anyone says, Major surgery. It takes along time to heal, and ur wife/partner needs you, and family to help. Putting on shoes, injections, making food, cleaning, making sure your other child is OK, and played with. School runs,the visitors, the appoitments, phone calls, dressing. Nappy changing, dressing the children, bathing. Your partner cannot safely do it. They need help and love to heal and to repair the surgery wounds.
I'm proud of my wife, she did something which I witnessed that was...distressing. but she did it, twice. And I cannot thank the NHS And her enough for giving me and us a family.
But please partners, be caring. Trust me, they need you, you may rub them the wrong way and they yell at you, but they are repairing. Prossessing what has happened, and it annoys me that alot of people expect them to carry on a normal life like it never happend usually within 48hours after delivering a child into this world.
So buck up and chip in, because they need your help and your in it together. Remember that, you can golf another time. This is important to her and she needs that reassurance, and also adult conversation. She's a parent, but she's also an adult human being, and mummy mode needs to be switched off as much as it needs to be on tonkeep her sane.

OP just save yourself the time and the heartbreak- divorce. He’s showing you who he is and what his priorities are.

I think she means he's home on paternity leave.

I hope that is the case.

I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf.

More fool you for doing that. Why on earth couldn't you tell him that this isn't ok?? Stop enabling him. He's an utter shit for doing this but you sit there and don't say a thing?

He definitely is, but op didn't say anything so she's also to blame. I'm baffled by that. I've had a baby recently and I can't even my dh doing something like this. And if he did, I would say something. Why wouldn't I unless im some martyr.

I’d be more stressed about someone coming for a week. I wouldn’t be too impressed no doubt but it’s 2 days and if older kids are mainly sorted just take it as an opportunity to have a bit of relaxing, get some ready meals or takeaways and enjoying a mini baby moon. I’d actually be happy about that to be honest as what stressed me out most post baby (I had 3 too but 14yrs between eldest and youngest) was having to cook dinner for everyone with a screaming baby and bad mastitis that landed me in hospital for 5 days

OP, you are being a martyr and for that, I cannot have a lot of sympathy. Hire an f-ing cleaner, ask your husband to stay home. Job done.

I think he's really out of order using any of his paternity leave to go on a golfing trip, especially when you're recovering from a C-section. As others have said, he's got MIL involved so he feels you can't say he shouldn't go because you need help with the kids.
I would be really upset by this. You're right to be annoyed!

If you want to get a one off clean do it. Seriously don’t waste this precious time being stressed over cleaning. Cleaners will do what you want, they can put the clutter away if you show them where, or they can put it all together in a pile for you to do later and clean around it. Or just write your DH a list, and then put your feet up and cuddle your baby. I feel like I should now be adding a poem that makes us mums cry about how one day the little handprints in the dust won’t be there anymore. But I’m too lazy to find one, so take it from me, mum of an almost 30yr old who lives 250 miles away, a 19yr old about to go back to Uni, and an almost 16yr old who tonight has been talking about A level and Uni choices! Time doesn’t stand still, don’t let some dust stop you enjoying this time. Get your list done and forget about it. Maybe phone a friend or enjoy some Netflix

The whole 'Ill do it when i get back', assumes you do not care about living in filth whilst he buggers off somewhere nice!

I'd get a cleaner in to do a one off clean. Take it out of whatever he normally uses as fun money.

But do communicate with him, it sounds like he is unaware of a ton of stuff - and surely, he should KNOW that you wipe the whole work surface, not just the bit you spilled crumbs on, you clean the whole floor not the bit thats a bit mucky... he should not need this pointing out!

Do not do anything other than look after yourself and the new baby. MIL can look after older children for you. If you can't stand the sight of the mess, is there friend who you can go to for the day? Yes, I did just that when I was left at home with new baby and 2 older.

This, so much this

‘Hey Bob, congrats on the new arrival - how was paternity leave?’
’Great, got my handicap down to 6’ 🏌️‍♂️