Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 22 23

Original poster

Husband golfing- 3 week old baby

566 replies

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 07:12

I had a C-section 3 weeks ago. We have 2 other kids, 4&6. Husband heading off on a golf trip tomorrow, will be gone for 2 days.

Am I right in being upset that he's going? It's an annual thing with some friends, but I missed my annual trip with my friends this year due to just having given birth.

He's been on paternity leave and has been keeping up on the laundry and dishes mostly, and taking on the care of the older 2, letting me nap with baby etc.

I've only just been cleared to start doing any type of housework. I hate to nag, but the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I'm able to do more now, but bending and squatting is still painful, and it's stressing me out thinking of trying to play catch up. It's upsetting because I worked so hard to have everything spotless and up to date before I had the baby and it's all going to rack and ruin now.

He's arranged for my MIL to have the older 2 boys overnight, and she's available in the daytime if I need her. I can't lift my 4yo if he throws a tantrum. That's my main concern about being alone with him. My 6yo will be in school all day Friday.

I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish.

The house wouldn't bother me so much if I knew I could slowly get back on top of it. But we have company coming in a week, who are staying for a week and it's really stressing me out.

I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf. He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back, which I know he will. But I just feel a bit cheesed off. I think with him being on paternity leave, he really could have been doing more. The house is a state.

The reason I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable is that I know we are fortunate he has leave. I know many people have to do all this alone.

OP posts:

mosiacmaker · 08/09/2023 08:21

I think you should tell him you’re arranging some cleaners to come in and do a full blitz of the house unless he is able to do this for you before he goes. Say he’ll need to set aside three hours to do a proper house clean before he goes, otherwise you’ll arrange for a paid cleaner. The golf trip probably too late to pull out of now but you deserve to feel totally cosy and lovely in the house for the weekend with your new baby.

Notamum12345577 · 08/09/2023 08:23

It’s totally out of order him going. Man here BTW!

Original poster

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 08:25

@mosiacmaker

That's actually made me tear up. I would actually enjoy the time with just me and baby if the house were clean and tidy. As it is I either try and do it myself or sit and look at it.

I really don't want to spend money on a cleaner but maybe.....maybe I should look into it.

OP posts:

Bearbookagainandagain · 08/09/2023 08:27

It sounds to me like he is willing to be helpful, so I would advise to take a deep breath and assume best intentions here. He is not going because he doesn't care, or to piss you off, but because he needs it and in this situation he decided to put his needs first - which I agree isn't right.

Rather than having a discussion about his golf trip which will inevitably end up in an argument, I would try to have an open discussion on expectations regarding house work, mental load and need for "free time" outside the house - for both of you of course!
In the long run you it will be better to find solutions together, maybe getting a cleaner temporarily is what would work best, and you could arrange some free time for you too in the coming weeks...

Original poster

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 08:28

@Bearbookagainandagain

He has another 3 weeks of paternity leave so I do think this is worth discussing

OP posts:

Original poster

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 08:30

@Bearbookagainandagain

Thanks for such a balanced response. He's genuinely a good guy I just think he's being selfish in this case.

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 08/09/2023 08:30

If it really is just about a clean house then I say get a cleaner in ASAP and don’t even discus it with Twat Face, he probably won’t notice anyway. Hope your brother will at least look after you a bit better while he’s visiting.

Original poster

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 08:32

@PuppyMonkey

I think it's just about a clean house. Idk. I still think I could use the support even if the house was clean. I did just go through a traumatic event!

OP posts:

Original poster

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 08:32

@PuppyMonkey

I don't hold high hopes for my brother being any better TBH. They don't have kids yet so they don't get it.

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/09/2023 08:33

I agree with everyone else about him being a selfish and lazy arse to go on this trip - and to leave the place a state.

But as things now stand - get the cleaner. And if you have any degree of separate finances, he pays - it’s one of the natural costs of his trip, not an extra or luxury

diddl · 08/09/2023 08:34

kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc.

So he's not even keeping on top of stuff?

I think the older kids going to MIL so that you could spend time together & he could catch up on the housework would be fine.

The only good point I can see is that he wouldn't have gone if you had asked.

Did you not ask as you hoped he would decide for himself not to go/he would be a sulky shit & not get anything useful done anyway?

Original poster

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 08:35

For everyone saying get a cleaner ....I have never gotten one before. I don't even know if it would help in this case though. It's mostly just clutter, mess, kids' toys that need to be put away. You'd have to do that before getting to the actual cleaning. And a cleaner wouldn't be able to do that would they?

OP posts:

LadyWhineglass · 08/09/2023 08:38

These are your choices:

lower your standards
LTB
suck it up and get a cleaner
carry on complaining

Snowpaw · 08/09/2023 08:38

Gently, I think you are always going to be disappointed if you want a "spotless and up to date" house with a newborn, a 4yo and a 6yo. For the next few years at least, the house isn't going to be immaculate and there will always be areas of chaos.

But I agree, it is not the right time for him to be swanning off on a golf trip when you're still recovering from surgery. Very unfair of him.

Amuseaboosh · 08/09/2023 08:39

Get a cleaner.

Access support from your MIL. She's offered to help.

Focus on your recovery and your newborn.

This time shall pass, and moving forward, you know how to prioritise yourself over your DH, no matter his needs or situation at the time. Treat them as they treat you.

I wish you a speedy recovery and congratulations on your baby 😊

Original poster

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 08:39

@diddl

He hasn't been keeping on top of the mess. Our sons will clean up but only if asked/supervised. He's been keeping on top of dishes and laundry but the general clutter that builds up with 5 people in a house, no.

I hoped he would decide not to go. He asked me if I thought he should not go. At that moment I was so hurt that he still was considering going that I couldn't answer. We had our children in the car and I didn't want a scene in front of them. We never have lost our tempers with one another and I don't want to start now.

I think if I would have told him I needed him to stay he would have done it for sure. He would have been disappointed but not resentful. But I feel that he shouldn't have even entertained going at all. Even 3 weeks after a normal birth I wouldn't want him to go. But 3 weeks after a c section, definitely not.

OP posts:

ThreeLittleDots · 08/09/2023 08:40

The kids are old enough to tidy up after themselves, surely? They can put their toys away and dirty clothes in the laundry bin?

Original poster

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 08:40

@Snowpaw

I know you're right. And if we weren't having company I wouldn't feel the pressure as much.

OP posts:

Original poster

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 08:41

@ThreeLittleDots
Yes they can and do. They just need us to remind them sometimes.

OP posts:

summersun29 · 08/09/2023 08:42

I didn't need to read your whole post, the title on its own made me annoyed for you! YANBU.

Original poster

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 08:42

Thanks everyone. Going to get some sleep now (in the US, it's 1:40 am now)

OP posts:

shearwater · 08/09/2023 08:44

It's really poor timing. Surely they could have done the trip slightly later knowing you'd have just given birth. Or just not go this time!

I'm ok with that as I like my alone time too.

It's not alone time if you are with three kids. Golf is far too time consuming as a regular hobby for anyone who is in a committed relationship and works full time, let alone someone with a young family. It takes a whole day out of a weekend, once a week, really unacceptable.

Firesgoneout · 08/09/2023 08:45

Are you in the USA?

shearwater · 08/09/2023 08:46

Also I wouldn't have planned having guests to stay just after giving birth unless they were going to muck in and help as my mum did.

mn29 · 08/09/2023 08:47

Incredibly selfish of him, he shouldn’t have even considered going.
Also, just because some people have to do it alone is irrelevant, doesn’t mean you have to be grateful for insufficient help from your husband.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 22 23

Swipe left for the next trending thread