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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband demands half if the heritage from me

230 replies

Mumofacutie · 07/09/2023 17:50

Hello. Fist of all, please don’t get me wrong, as I don’t want to sound devilish, but I am wondering if I am unreasonable feeling bad about sharing the money I will inherit from my Dad soon. I will try to cut long story short. My beloved Dad passed away this February, and me and my brother have inherited his house. We are going to sell the house soon, so the half of the money is going to be mine. (We are in the UK but the house is not, so value is significantly lower than here) When I mentioned the inheritance to my husband, he straight away came up with the idea that I should give half of my part to him and the other half would be mine to keep. Now I am not the type of person, who wouldn’t want to help her family, but the way he announced his wish made me feel disappointed.
Firstly, I am having a hard time coping with the loss of my father:( Secondly, my husband paid for many things for me in the past and helped me financially, had holidays etc. He has always made me feel I am pampered and he is generous with me in general, but it turned out apparently that the money he spent on us was a loan , and a huge amount, like £30K alltogether.
Once I mentioned to him that I am not so happy to spend my inheritance money on loans, he got upset and started to mention all the things he spent on me. Somehow, I feel this is not fair and upsets me, because ,one, had no idea that all these spendings were covered by bank loans, and two, this feels like he is asking the money back he spent on me. Feels like he lent me some money and now it is time to pay back. He basically wants to pay in this money for the loan.

I may be unreasonable, I feel totally confused, maybe I look selfish even. I know we are family, and we are to support each other. Maybe I am more sensitive about this money as it is “from my Daddy I have just lost and he was so precious to me”. Maybe because of this I cannot think clearly.

What would you do of you were in my situation? How would all these things mentioned above make you feel? Please share your thoughts! Thank you!

Just an additional note: if I bring this up to my husband, he goes upset straight away, so I don’t bring it up anymore.

OP posts:
Zanina · 07/09/2023 23:06

I think he has been planning this all along. Spending on "you" but makes it look like he's spent his money only to make you foot the bill. Old trick in the book. Lock the money away in an isa or a pension ASAP. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Codlingmoths · 07/09/2023 23:08

I think you say that if you think money is shared in a marriage you’d act like it. You get a good salary in every month but you don’t show me where it goes, you lied to me about debt, and you demand all my money to family spending even though that leaves me with nothing and I do all the care of our child. So I’m going to start keeping x back a month and I will keep my inheritance in an account in my name until you show me that you think finances should be shared in a marriage. Right now you think what’s mine is up s and what’s yours is yours except for the child we have together who you think is my responsibility. I wouldn’t be surprised if you extra every month left to yourself for spending saving but still demand every penny I earn.

don’t share it, this is a godsend to give you a little financial independence, some leverage in these discussions, and funds if it turns out he doesn’t believe people should be equal in marriages and you decide to leave. He’s angry because he thinks you don’t deserve anything, and he doesn’t want you to have any financial independence.

Codlingmoths · 07/09/2023 23:08

*what’s mine is yours

XenoBitch · 07/09/2023 23:10

The money from your dad's estate is for you, not your DH.

I know someone who came into money after selling her father's house when he died. Her DH demanded half, but she stuck to her guns and said no. He would have drank it all away.

Sorry for your loss

Zanina · 07/09/2023 23:11

Ask for proof of the debt

JudgeRudy · 07/09/2023 23:39

I think the real issue here is youre dissappointed by your husbands tone and phrasing rather than whats been suggested. You are grieving the loss of your father and this will make you more sensitive. If your OH has taken out loans for eg family holidays etc it doesn't seem unreasonable that some of the money should be used to pay that off. I don't actually think you have any idea what you do want to do with the money (that's not even here yet) but you want to maintain control. By your OH 'bombarding' you with suggestions or even instructions you feel that once again something is being taken away.
In time you'll agree that paying off some family loans isn't a bad idea. Your OH will hopefully see too that talking about how he's going to spend his half was insensitive. No ones really being unreasonable. You're negotiating new and challenging territory and will likely want to take the same path together eventually....just not right now!

Deepf60 · 07/09/2023 23:55

It's your inheritance you do not have to share it he has been deceitful and obviously not good with money, I wouldn't share. In fact I inherited some from my dad and as my late husband was always getting us into debt that I ended up clearing on a low wage, no I didn't share it .

Codlingmoths · 08/09/2023 00:01

Paying off loans in his name is not a good idea at all for the op if he’s not transparent about finances-she doesn’t even know there are loans or even if he has a gambling problem since she thought he earned plenty. Also, paying off loans is not a good idea when the op needs some cash on hand to give her some financial freedom from the husband who demands every penny she makes, without telling her anything about how much he has left at the end of the month after essential expenses not his fun expenses.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 08/09/2023 00:08

Thepossibility · 07/09/2023 22:56

My DH will inherit a lot of money. I'll probably inherit debt if anything.
I'd be upset if he didn't use it as family money, like all of our money always has been.

He took out debt without discussing it with her she has no idea what he is doing is emotional blackmail and it's not on.

Coyoacan · 08/09/2023 01:48

Erased

SheSaidHummingbird · 08/09/2023 04:20

Mumofacutie · 07/09/2023 22:26

No I have not seen any just yet. As he just recently admitted that it is around £30K. I was aware of loan of around £10K, but not 30… :(

Seems terribly convenient admit that he took out a 'loan' of this higher amount just as you come into some money, doesn't it?

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 08/09/2023 05:22

If you don't have a decent qualification why not use the money to invest in that instead of giving him the money. L

You could argue that it would help you get a job that pays well which would financially benefit both of you. But honestly, I don't think he's acting in a very trustworthy manner re finances and if you stay financially linked to this man you will live in poverty for the rest of your life.

PostOpOp · 08/09/2023 06:04

I also think you should use this money to get qualifications that will improve your employment opportunities. That's better for your family for the long term. That's also better for you personally. He won't like it, but that's his problem - you don't like that he took Liam’s and didn't tell you!

Once you get a better paying job you'll have more money to pay off loans.

What he's done with the loans isn't ok. Pretending that he's treating you from his money when he's taken out a loan is dishonest. Being in a fiscal partnership (a marriage is that) and taking out a loan without telling the other partner is dishonest too.

You need financial independence and self-sufficiency. Use this money to get that. Your father would definitely want you to have that.

billy1966 · 08/09/2023 06:36

Zanina · 07/09/2023 23:06

I think he has been planning this all along. Spending on "you" but makes it look like he's spent his money only to make you foot the bill. Old trick in the book. Lock the money away in an isa or a pension ASAP. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

This is a possibility.

There is something shady about his loans.

You should do a credit check on him.

No good man would want to see their partner penniless.

Please ring Women's aid.

That inheritance is not money he should be demanding you hand over.

Something is off.

He's well paid, where is it all going?

In principle I would be sharing completely but when things are not honest and clear I would advise caution.

Is he going to take big loans regularly?

If so, you are doomed.

billy1966 · 08/09/2023 06:37

An excellent idea that you invest in your education and future.

Original poster
Mumofacutie · 08/09/2023 07:45

Investing in education is something I would really like to do. Also, I genuinely wanted to pay for him to get the British citizenship as we always have to struggle to get him a visa to visit my country. Also, I have always had a certain dream destination to travel to, so I really wanted the 2 of us to travel there so it could be a life time memory and gift from my Dad. I would be happy to help towards loan repayments next to these things for example. So it is not the case I want to keep all spend all the money on myself selfishly.

OP posts:
Naunet · 08/09/2023 07:54

Mumofacutie · 07/09/2023 19:58

thank you for your answer! Really valuable thoughts! Basically after paying off childcare, not much money left so I was highly dependent on my husband, which made affected me badly psychologically. Now the childcare got so much cheaper as we get the 30 hours free childcare. The moment I announced that he demanded me paying towards the household so basically I end up having £0 on my account so I said it won’t work. Tbh we never had joint account but we were coping well until our daughter was born it seems :(

So he likes keeping you in a position where you have no money of your own? Yeah, great guy…

MyEyesMyThighs · 08/09/2023 08:05

There is something really off in couples when the woman's wage is assigned to childcare and the man to mortgage. It allows controlling men to endlessly point out how little value the women's wage is after childcare, as if it's a luxury she is paying for. It also means he gets dibs on the more important thing down the line.

Normal couples would say "our expenses are childcare, mortgage, bills..." so you put in x to cover them and I'll put in y"

Normal couples also recognise the value in looking after kids.

Thelonelygiraffe · 08/09/2023 10:33

MyEyesMyThighs · 08/09/2023 08:05

There is something really off in couples when the woman's wage is assigned to childcare and the man to mortgage. It allows controlling men to endlessly point out how little value the women's wage is after childcare, as if it's a luxury she is paying for. It also means he gets dibs on the more important thing down the line.

Normal couples would say "our expenses are childcare, mortgage, bills..." so you put in x to cover them and I'll put in y"

Normal couples also recognise the value in looking after kids.

This x100

Motnight · 08/09/2023 10:38

Have you evidence of this so called loan?

My husband received an inheritance recently and used a percentage of it to pay off both our debts, including the mortgage. The rest is his, but he is including me in all decisions around it.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 08/09/2023 14:48

MyEyesMyThighs · 08/09/2023 08:05

There is something really off in couples when the woman's wage is assigned to childcare and the man to mortgage. It allows controlling men to endlessly point out how little value the women's wage is after childcare, as if it's a luxury she is paying for. It also means he gets dibs on the more important thing down the line.

Normal couples would say "our expenses are childcare, mortgage, bills..." so you put in x to cover them and I'll put in y"

Normal couples also recognise the value in looking after kids.

In my house it's what's coming and what's going out and what do we need for everyday expenses for travel etc. We have separate bank accounts but I have access to all of them and he leaves me to it to pay bills etc.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 08/09/2023 16:53

I am sorry to say but this is financial abuse. Paying to get your dental implants is hardly a treat, and he's making sure you have no money of your own. Unless you start protecting yourself you will never be able to change your life.
Keep your inheritance, use it to get qualifications, get a better job, get away from him. You only have his word that anything he has told you is true. Why is it only you paying for childcare? Aren't they his children too?

SurprisedWithAH0RSE · 08/09/2023 17:08

Thepossibility · 07/09/2023 22:56

My DH will inherit a lot of money. I'll probably inherit debt if anything.
I'd be upset if he didn't use it as family money, like all of our money always has been.

You can’t inherit debt. If your parents die with debts then any of their assets will go to pay it off. Any that’s left will get written off.

The debt won’t be left to you to pay.

You will just inherit nothing, like most people.

Turfwars · 08/09/2023 17:11

If all money was always pooled as family money, with both of you being considered equal spenders of it, then yes, into the family pot it goes.

However, it sounds like you don't have that kind of equality in your marriage. He pays things "for" you but yet, given you do most of the housework and childcare you don't have the opportunity to earn what he does.

So why not do what he does, keep your money and treat him with nice things that you choose for him. Or give him a few quid every once in a while and tell him to buy himself something pretty...Isn't that how your marriage has worked so far?

LindaMo2 · 08/09/2023 18:35

I had a similar question and I approached a solicitor as my husband and I were going through a tough patch. We weren’t contemplating divorce but I’m security minded and he would find something we ‘need’ to spend it on. The solicitor said as long as it was in a separate a/c in my name he had no say over it and couldn’t touch it. If I invested it in a joint asset like the house it ‘muddied the water’ and would probably be treated like a joint asset. In a divorce it would be noted as an inheritance and would not necessarily be split, depending on circumstances. We’ve been married 15 years since and it’s not an issue now as it’s been spent on a house move.