Husband demands half if the heritage from me

[Mumofacutie]

Hello. Fist of all, please don’t get me wrong, as I don’t want to sound devilish, but I am wondering if I am unreasonable feeling bad about sharing the money I will inherit from my Dad soon. I will try to cut long story short. My beloved Dad passed away this February, and me and my brother have inherited his house. We are going to sell the house soon, so the half of the money is going to be mine. (We are in the UK but the house is not, so value is significantly lower than here) When I mentioned the inheritance to my husband, he straight away came up with the idea that I should give half of my part to him and the other half would be mine to keep. Now I am not the type of person, who wouldn’t want to help her family, but the way he announced his wish made me feel disappointed.
Firstly, I am having a hard time coping with the loss of my father:( Secondly, my husband paid for many things for me in the past and helped me financially, had holidays etc. He has always made me feel I am pampered and he is generous with me in general, but it turned out apparently that the money he spent on us was a loan , and a huge amount, like £30K alltogether.
Once I mentioned to him that I am not so happy to spend my inheritance money on loans, he got upset and started to mention all the things he spent on me. Somehow, I feel this is not fair and upsets me, because ,one, had no idea that all these spendings were covered by bank loans, and two, this feels like he is asking the money back he spent on me. Feels like he lent me some money and now it is time to pay back. He basically wants to pay in this money for the loan.

I may be unreasonable, I feel totally confused, maybe I look selfish even. I know we are family, and we are to support each other. Maybe I am more sensitive about this money as it is “from my Daddy I have just lost and he was so precious to me”. Maybe because of this I cannot think clearly.

What would you do of you were in my situation? How would all these things mentioned above make you feel? Please share your thoughts! Thank you!

Just an additional note: if I bring this up to my husband, he goes upset straight away, so I don’t bring it up anymore.

I thought it would be shared in the event of a divorce like any other asset, for this reason my mother temporarily wrote my brother out of her will during a nasty divorce so the ex wouldn't get a penny. If she had died during that time the expectation was that my other sibling and I would give him his share after the divorce had concluded but luckily she didn't and he's back in now.

I think his attitude stinks to be honest. I sadly lost my mum last year and had an inheritance, and now my dad has just passed and there will be an inheritance there as well.

We share all finances and the inheritance I had last year, and the upcoming one I will get, was and will be 'put in the pot' so to speak. But my husband wouldn't assume I should share the lot.

Inheritance only becomes an asset to be considered as part of joint assets if you intend to divorce- till that point it's the property of the person who inherited to do with as they see fit. However if you file for divorce it has to be considered as part of assets, it can't be that one person is loaded, whilst the other person can't even put 6 months down on a flat (as an example) - I've been into this before.

This guy really thinks he's the big 'I am' doesn't he? He thinks that since you gave up your full time job to have HIS baby, that he is now ruler of the roost. Did he grow up in the 50's OP, because he's behaving like he did. He thinks you're now the little woman at home whose job is to look pretty (hence the dentistry and haircuts) and to look after HIS child, look after HIS house, run around after HIM, do HIS washing etc., while his part of the job is to provide for little wifey and the baby. The fact is though, that he HASN'T provided for YOU, he's borrowed money in order to kid you into thinking he has, and now that you have a nice chunk of money coming in by way of your inheritance, he thinks he should have that too!! I can't help wondering whether he would he have been able to pay off this loan if your dad had died and left everything to your brother?

So OP, please can you answer some questions?

1. Have you seen the paperwork for this loan?

2. When did he take it out, and for what reason?

3. Is this loan secured against your home?

It wouldn't surprise me, or other posters on here by the sound of it, if he were making up the loan, just so as to make you feel obliged to give him some of your inheritance. He's now trying to make you feel guilty for him having done the job of taking care of you, paying for your dentistry and haircuts, while YOU took care of the baby that you BOTH are responsible for making, and ALSO contributed to the household with your part time earnings.

However, as HE took out the loan, and didn't discuss it with you, so as far as I'm concerned, if it does exist, it's down to HIM to pay it off.

Keep your inheritance safe from him OP, it's what your Dad intended YOU to have.

Finally I'm VERY sorry for your loss, the last thing you should be doing right now is worrying about how much you OWE your DH, for just being a husband!!

My OH received an inheritance, paid for a holiday for us both and kept the rest. I expect the same would happen if I were to get an inheritance (unlikely)

OP, you said you are on a low income and work part time. Perhaps assess your own financial position before you give your husband money or pay off his debts. Do you have a good pension to provide for your future? If not, then it would be wise to set up a pension or put a lump sum into your workplace pension. What about your own personal savings?

Regarding the 30k loan, imo it is unacceptable for a husband to take out that level of debt without a discussion or any agreement from his wife. It is unusual for someone to take out such a high loan for general spending without specific purpose. Have you seen the loan agreement forms? How much are the repayments? Is there any other secret debt? Where did the money go? Have you checked bank statements?

I think you need to have an open and honest conversation about finances. I would not be spending my late father's money on a loan I did not know about nor consent to.

You need to have a proper conversation about finances as this is just ridiculous teetering towards financially abusive.

Why is he taking loans? Clearly you're spending too much as a family so you need a plan to clear that debt and stabilise finances.

All bills are joint, including childcare. You should each have money left at the end of the month if there is any available. You need a conversation about fair contribution to household expenses. E.g. proportional input. If you earned £10K and he earns £40K then he should contribute 80% and you 20%. That way you should each end up with proportionally the same amount left at the end of the month. If the difference in pay is so stark that that creates a large imbalance then you need an agreed minimum amount left.

You're a partnership and while you earn less, that is to allow you to do more at home, which is mutually beneficial to the family. You are making non-monetary contributions to the household. He should be paying more, thats his part of the partnership. Its not him treating you.

You need to sit down, work out finances and it needs to be clear these loans need to stop dead in their tracks. You cut your cloth according to your means. If you want more income, that means you go back to work and do more hours, but that has to come with him taking over some of your non-monetary tasks.

That'd be a no from me, your dh took out a large loan that you knew nothing about and now he wants half of your inheritance no way should he! If your father wanted him to have any inheritance he'd have left him something in the will.

OP there is no WAY I would share my inheritance from my beloved dad with a man who took out loans without telling me. To everyone who says “why didn’t you know where DH’s money was coming from”…it doesn’t seem to me like he is open to sharing much information or having equal access to finances unless it’s all one way.
The secret loan would be a huge problem for me and I would likely divorce him.

No no no. Keep the money, he has been deceptive with you about money in the past and his behaviour is concerning. Be strong

That's how financial abuse started for me. And then other abuse.

It's fine having separate finances when you're both working. Then I had a baby and I gradually had no money. He'd give me housekeeping but it didn't cover everything. I ended up absolutely stressed out because we had no money for gas bills etc. Because he refused to pay. I had to borrow. Meanwhile he had hundreds to spend on whatever he liked (I won't say here...but he was not a good man).

I did work but all my money paid for childcare. He'd dismiss my job as pointless but at same time have a go at me because I didn't contribute more financially.and I did all childcare apart from few hours I could work, all cooking and cleaning... The irony being I carried on building that career in spite of him, and now earn good money

Good men don't let their wives feel shit about themselves and not give them access to family income, or grateful for dental treatment or basics like haircuts. Huge power imbalance here.

Keep your eyes open, @Mumofacutie and your money in your own account.

Can you use the inheritance to set you and your child up . Apply for maintenance from
him and let him fight for your inheritance .
Remember you are are entitled to half of what’s his too. Half the house half the savings .

This man leaves you with nothing every month and now before you even have your inheritance he’s demanding your money .

You need to reconsider your marriage . He’s got you exactly where he wants you .

This sounds weird - I’d want to see evidence of the loans and id be annoyed he took them out without telling me.

As a general principal, in a marriage I would expect to make a joint decision, with my husband, about what we spent the money on but I wouldn’t be giving him half, as such. I would see it as our money though, not just mine.

Have you seen proof of these loans?

No I have not seen any just yet. As he just recently admitted that it is around £30K. I was aware of loan of around £10K, but not 30… :(

Yep.
He ran up a debt without telling you, and now he wants you to pay it off with your inheritance from your father?! Nope. That money is a gift from your father to you.

OP, get some proper legal advice. So many people on here thinking they're armchair lawyers spouting nonsense they know nothing about.

This is horrifying to me. Am shocked at all the posters who say everything 50/50 without knowing any context to the marriage. What if they've been together a short time with no children.

But even my parents - together for 40 years, totally shared finances in everything...they spent part of their respective inheritances on things related to their respective hobbies I believe. They didn't demand the other hand it over.

What someone gets in divorce is related to many factors. But even so, I'm not sure what someone gets in divorce should govern these decisions...(as it happens I think marriage and divorce law in this country is incredibly outdated...having to potentially hand over half of my assets and inheritance in a divorce despite me and DP having our own children and generally keeping finances separate is why I would think twice about marriage.)

He wants half?

I'd be fine with this if you had complete honesty, transparency and equal shares until now.

But it sounds shady. £30k of loans that you didn't know about? On what household income? What else hasn't he told you?

My DH will inherit a lot of money. I'll probably inherit debt if anything.
I'd be upset if he didn't use it as family money, like all of our money always has been.

What would I do? I'd be noncommittal and stall for a bit and start separating my finances with a plan to leave. I'd also consult a solicitor about a divorce and seperate from him. I wouldnt be in a hurry to release the money via a house sale.

So what's his is yours and whats yours is yours?

Yes, but if it is all joint money in a marriage like everybody is saying, he wasn't spending 'his' money, was he?

This is financial abuse OP.
You should be paying proportionally to income on this regard no I wouldn't be giving him anything!

I think your husband is a cunt. That’s my opinion.