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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding and step children

172 replies

blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 17:40

Name change as I don't want this linked to other posts.

I have 2 adult children (19, 22) Both still live at home. I also have a 5 year old with my husband. We have been together 15 years.

Dh cousin is getting married. We are not close to them, see them usually at Xmas plus weddings, funerals etc. When we do see them at family events my adult dc are always there too.

Cousin has invited me, dh and our 5 year old. Not adult dc. Im not sure how I feel about it. In terms of relationship I have spent no more time with cousin than my two dc and their younger sister has spent significantly less time. So it feels a bit like they have been left out. I know my dc consider everyone family and will be hurt.

Obviously we can't say anything to cousin as it will result in either a fall out or a begrudged invite but I'm not sure if I feel comfortable going.

Is it unreasonable to expect all (or none) of my children to be included in a wedding invite?

OP posts:
BorrowedThyme · 07/09/2023 17:42

It is fine. Everybody has to choose people to leave out of wedding invitations, don't they

Dartmoorcheffy · 07/09/2023 17:42

I think it is unreasonable to expect an invitation for adult children who barely know the bride and groom and are not related to them . It's not like you would need to arrange childcare either if they aren't invited. Would they even want to go?

Batatahara · 07/09/2023 17:43

I think it's less because of the blended family thing but more because they are adults. You and your DH are a social unit and your 5 year old kinda is too, your adult children are not.

You may find that other adult children of cousins have also not been invited

diditbark · 07/09/2023 17:44

I think if it's DH cousin and you're not hugely close to them it's fine.

If it was DH parent or sibling I'd be a bit upset, but not for a more distant relation your kids don't have a strong relationship with.

justteanbiscuits · 07/09/2023 17:45

Adult children aren't counted as children in our family for events. Large families mean lines do have to be drawn. If they were children I would be saying differently, but as adults, it's perfectly fair they're not invited.

Womencanlift · 07/09/2023 17:46

I have never went to any weddings in my step mums side of the family even though I have been in her life since I was young.

It has never occurred to me to be upset about it and I wouldn’t want to go to a wedding of someone I barely knew

Have you asked your adult kids if they are bothered?

Original poster
blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 17:46

Dartmoorcheffy · 07/09/2023 17:42

I think it is unreasonable to expect an invitation for adult children who barely know the bride and groom and are not related to them . It's not like you would need to arrange childcare either if they aren't invited. Would they even want to go?

I wouldn't say we barely know them we see them 2-3 times a year for past 15 years. They would love to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 17:47

Batatahara · 07/09/2023 17:43

I think it's less because of the blended family thing but more because they are adults. You and your DH are a social unit and your 5 year old kinda is too, your adult children are not.

You may find that other adult children of cousins have also not been invited

Unfortunately they are the eldest of all the cousins children. The next eldest is my youngest dd .

OP posts:
Curseofthenation · 07/09/2023 17:48

I wouldn't have invited your adult DC either in this situation. It sounds like they're strangers. You might not be close to the cousin either but I think it is considered decent to invite a partner.

Original poster
blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 17:49

Womencanlift · 07/09/2023 17:46

I have never went to any weddings in my step mums side of the family even though I have been in her life since I was young.

It has never occurred to me to be upset about it and I wouldn’t want to go to a wedding of someone I barely knew

Have you asked your adult kids if they are bothered?

Not yet but I think they will be.

OP posts:
PackBacker · 07/09/2023 17:51

I’d invite my cousins but not their DC as numbers get too large.

modgepodge · 07/09/2023 17:51

Can you find childcare for your youngest child and just say none of the kids were invited? You’ll probably have a nicer time at the wedding kid free too, as an added bonus!

Womencanlift · 07/09/2023 17:52

blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 17:46

I wouldn't say we barely know them we see them 2-3 times a year for past 15 years. They would love to go.

Show quote history

You said in your OP that you are not close to them now saying this. I think that’s why you are getting the responses you have been

It has been assumed that you are not close so nobody would be bothered

Lovemusic82 · 07/09/2023 17:54

Your older dc are adults (no longer children), they probably assumed they wouldn’t really want to go, I know my adult child would be pleased not to be included. It’s not as though they have a close relationship with them.

snatchabook · 07/09/2023 17:54

I agree with you OP, it's rather thoughtless of them. Obviously it's up to them who they invite and it may well be a budget thing, but they've essentially left out half of a family unit. I'm not sure you can say anything without causing a fuss but I think I would either attend just you and DH or just DH. Your kids never need know they weren't invited if you don't take your younger DD either.

Original poster
blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 17:55

modgepodge · 07/09/2023 17:51

Can you find childcare for your youngest child and just say none of the kids were invited? You’ll probably have a nicer time at the wedding kid free too, as an added bonus!

Agree completely. I'm always happy for a child free wedding. I will consider this.

OP posts:
Original poster
blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 17:57

@Womencanlift I said Xmas , weddings , funerals etc.

So every Christmas plus any family gatherings over the year usually works our 2-3 times a year. Obviously less over covid

OP posts:
Original poster
blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 17:59

Sorry not replied to everyone I am taking on board points about them being adults and lack of relationship.

OP posts:
stillavid · 07/09/2023 18:03

I imagine it is just a question of numbers. If they invite your two adult children they can't invite two friends.

We went to a wedding recently where my adult DC weren't invited - I wasn't offended.

awfullytricky · 07/09/2023 18:11

This is really simple to work out !

Cousin wants to invite your DH and is savvy enough to realise that he comes as a package. To an extent. In that he will want to bring his wife obviously.. and that means either leaving child out as at 5 he cannot be left alone. So she invited him too which is far more generous than the usual 'no kids' trope..

Your kids however can care for themselves. Weddings are expensive. So kids of cousins-wife is so far down the list that they won't make the cut.

Sorry but unless I had an endless £££££ wedding budget - I would do the same .

thunderlump · 07/09/2023 18:17

awfullytricky · 07/09/2023 18:11

This is really simple to work out !

Cousin wants to invite your DH and is savvy enough to realise that he comes as a package. To an extent. In that he will want to bring his wife obviously.. and that means either leaving child out as at 5 he cannot be left alone. So she invited him too which is far more generous than the usual 'no kids' trope..

Your kids however can care for themselves. Weddings are expensive. So kids of cousins-wife is so far down the list that they won't make the cut.

Sorry but unless I had an endless £££££ wedding budget - I would do the same .

Yeah, this is it.

ColleenDonaghy · 07/09/2023 18:17

Agree it would be different if they were young too, but adult children are a very different matter.

GreyCarpet · 07/09/2023 18:18

Tbh, most weddings are boring. Even if you care about the people getting married and know them well!

Your mum's husband's cousin's wedding? People you barely know and have only met a few times at other big family things? I think I'd be relieved to not be invited rather than having to think of a plausible excuse not to attend!

Adults Who are barely known to the couple? Who will incur a cost for the meal and lead to questions about other equally unknown people being invited? I wouldn't invite them either.

Batatahara · 07/09/2023 18:18

My parents were invited to lots of weddings when I was a young adult that I wasn't invited to, which I think colours my view. I understood completely that sometimes numbers are limited

Ginseng1 · 07/09/2023 18:22

Def wouldn't be inviting adult kids of cousins unless extremely close! It was thoughtful to invite 5 yr old in case you no childcare.

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