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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding and step children

172 replies

blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 17:40

Name change as I don't want this linked to other posts.

I have 2 adult children (19, 22) Both still live at home. I also have a 5 year old with my husband. We have been together 15 years.

Dh cousin is getting married. We are not close to them, see them usually at Xmas plus weddings, funerals etc. When we do see them at family events my adult dc are always there too.

Cousin has invited me, dh and our 5 year old. Not adult dc. Im not sure how I feel about it. In terms of relationship I have spent no more time with cousin than my two dc and their younger sister has spent significantly less time. So it feels a bit like they have been left out. I know my dc consider everyone family and will be hurt.

Obviously we can't say anything to cousin as it will result in either a fall out or a begrudged invite but I'm not sure if I feel comfortable going.

Is it unreasonable to expect all (or none) of my children to be included in a wedding invite?

OP posts:

Xsxjxmx · 10/09/2023 11:09

Could it be because of numbers? As I they don't expect you to get a babysitter for your 5 year old but know your older children can not attend and you're stillsl able to come without any issues?

Pebstk · 10/09/2023 11:59

I think you are being ridiculous - they have been thoughtful to invite the little one presumably in case you can’t get babysitter.

Coop21 · 10/09/2023 13:03

My nephew got married and my children his cousins who were aged between 5-15 at the time weren’t invited due to the budget, completely understood and didn’t expect to take them to the meal or anything but would have liked to have taken them at night to celebrate and they were quite excited because of all the wedding/ party talk so we’re really disappointed ☹️, especially the my two 15 year olds. his other aunts children were invited as they “couldn’t get a babysitter” 🙄 it cause quite a bit of tension in the family and we ended up not going but we have managed to smooth things out now but took a while, I would make sure to get DH cousin to explain why it adult children aren’t invited to them so u don’t have to do it

Scottsy200 · 10/09/2023 19:43

Problem is sometimes with adult children they often have partners and then suddenly an invite for 2 more can become 4 more, also people tend to think that people of that age especially 19 aren’t that bothered about family
events, where as someone mentioned before you your husband and 5 yr old are considered as a social unit, I think you are making a bit of a big deal of it to be honest

Original poster

blendedfamly · 10/09/2023 20:41

UPDATE

Told adult dc. They were not bothered in the slightest and said they understand why they are not invited!

Glad I can go without feeling guilty about them being left out.

OP posts:

CorylusAgain · 10/09/2023 20:53

Brilliant!

Ssme92 · 10/09/2023 21:35

I have only been to a handful of weddings where all my siblings and myself would be invited! I don't find it unusual at all. Our general rule of thumb in our family is one cousin from each family! There is a number of reasons why they might be left off! People get way to offended around wedding invites imo!

Just saw your update. Happy days panic over!

JRM17 · 10/09/2023 22:04

I think it says more about you expecting them to be invited, weddings are tremendously expensive and personal it is the B&G's day and they alone get to decide who is invited. Depending on the venue you could easily be looking at £100 a head for adults. As a former Wedding Planner the one thing I always said to B&G was "It is your day, ignore what anyone else wants of feels they should have"

paulthepython · 11/09/2023 14:05

I think that's completely reasonable. Your children are adults, they aren't dependent on your presence, you don't need to find a babysitter for them and they don't really know the couple. It's not spite its likely necessity. Its nice that you made the cut, they obviously think fondly of you, just go and enjoy yourselves and be grateful for the invite. Some weddings are no children at all so tbf it's nice that they are including, and paying for, your 5 year old too 🙂

bridgetreilly · 11/09/2023 14:40

Your children are adults. So it’s not like a school party where all the class is invited apart from them. Because they are adults. They are old enough to understand that not everyone can always be invited to everything. You don’t have to get offended on their behalf over nothing. Clearly, they are always included in normal family events. No one treats them differently because they aren’t blood relations.

So get over yourself. It is not a big deal and you need to make sure that you don’t psych them up into thinking it’s a big deal.

NoThanksymm · 11/09/2023 15:29

Yeah. You’re being unreasonable by being offended.

The young one was a polite invite. The adult children are adults and would get their own invites.

Sugarfree23 · 11/09/2023 23:29

Good update Op.
Hope you DH and LO have a great time at the wedding, and you've saved the cost of kitting the kids out too which wouldn't have been cheap.

LT1982 · 12/09/2023 18:12

Just saw your update- that's good that they're not fussed

If all kids were similar age it would be unreasonable. As it is they're already paying for 2.5 meals for a cousin us 2 that they see 2-3 times à year. Not sure I'd invite my adult cousins children if over 18 (irrespective of blended family or step children)

Ffion21 · 12/09/2023 20:36

It’s nothing to do with blended family and everything to do with them being adult children.

say it costs £100 per head, would you cover the £200 for them? If so, offer to pay for them. A little kid barely costs a thing.

NewName122 · 12/09/2023 21:12

Yabu I wouldn't invite my cousins adult kids either.

TennisWithDeborah · 12/09/2023 21:35

blendedfamly · 10/09/2023 20:41

UPDATE

Told adult dc. They were not bothered in the slightest and said they understand why they are not invited!

Glad I can go without feeling guilty about them being left out.

They sound like sensible folk

Daffodilwoman · 12/09/2023 22:01

I think this is completely fine.
I’ve been to lots of weddings where my dcs were not invited. These were weddings on my side never mind step children.

Cissy1962 · 13/09/2023 03:25

Don't take it personally. It's probably about the cost and keeping numbers to a minimum.
It's not that deep.

marblemad · 13/09/2023 03:28

Considering how long the children have been in the families lives and they have chosen to invite your youngest I would say it wasn't particularly fair, they should have invited all of the children or none.

Teatotal2 · 13/09/2023 08:28

I agree, it sounds like it is because they are adults as oppose to a reflection on their feelings towards them.
Perhaps they would feel they may need a plis one each, this would add 4 people to their budget, and be considerably more expensive.

Sugarfree23 · 13/09/2023 09:43

marblemad · 13/09/2023 03:28

But where do you draw the line?

They are 17 & 19, if I remember correctly in 5 years time LO would be 10 so definitely still a child, older two 22 & 24, adults who could be potentially be engaged with long term partners so they'd definitely be in the category of needing a 'plus 1'

If it was the other way round would the Ops adult kids invite their step-dads cousin (this B&G) to their wedding?

It's all very complicated and I can see why the B&G have drawn the line. Which needs to be drawn somewhere.

Enchanted86 · 07/01/2024 21:44

It's fair enough, 2 extra guests could add another £50+
Your grown up children probably wouldn't want to be there anyway , my 13yr old dd would'nt.

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