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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding and step children

172 replies

blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 17:40

Name change as I don't want this linked to other posts.

I have 2 adult children (19, 22) Both still live at home. I also have a 5 year old with my husband. We have been together 15 years.

Dh cousin is getting married. We are not close to them, see them usually at Xmas plus weddings, funerals etc. When we do see them at family events my adult dc are always there too.

Cousin has invited me, dh and our 5 year old. Not adult dc. Im not sure how I feel about it. In terms of relationship I have spent no more time with cousin than my two dc and their younger sister has spent significantly less time. So it feels a bit like they have been left out. I know my dc consider everyone family and will be hurt.

Obviously we can't say anything to cousin as it will result in either a fall out or a begrudged invite but I'm not sure if I feel comfortable going.

Is it unreasonable to expect all (or none) of my children to be included in a wedding invite?

OP posts:
DearNora · 08/09/2023 13:46

Sugarfree23 · 08/09/2023 12:56

It seems logical to me not to invite adults as an extension of their parents.
I also think single adults need a plus one.

It's really difficult, to draw the line and they have drawn a line that makes sense to them.

5yos are also cheap to invite, kids meal & juice doesn't cost much. Adults are probably pushing £100 a head.

Oh gosh really - I have learned something new today then £100 a head, wow

Maray1967 · 08/09/2023 13:52

snatchabook · 07/09/2023 17:54

I agree with you OP, it's rather thoughtless of them. Obviously it's up to them who they invite and it may well be a budget thing, but they've essentially left out half of a family unit. I'm not sure you can say anything without causing a fuss but I think I would either attend just you and DH or just DH. Your kids never need know they weren't invited if you don't take your younger DD either.

Yes, I agree with this. You and DH go and leave all Dc at home. If anything is said about the youngest not being there by aunt or uncle etc I’d not make a huge issue of it, but might say, ‘we can’t bring one without bringing the other two, but no problem, we’re having a great time, kid free! ‘

Maray1967 · 08/09/2023 13:54

PS make sure they don’t see the invitation.

TheGoodBanana · 08/09/2023 14:04

We are getting married next month and it costs £107pp we can't invite everyone.

I think the fact your children are adults is the relevant point here, nothing to do with them being step. It is unfortunate though that they are the only adult children. Did you say your own DC is the next oldest too? so the rest of the second cousins are preschool age or babies?

Aprilx · 08/09/2023 15:14

In similar other threads, I always take the view that it is unkind to a stepchild off, but that is when it is an actual minor / child. Your adult children are not part of your family unit and I wouldn’t have thought many adult children of cousin’ wife would make the cut on a wedding invite list.

TimeForHygge · 08/09/2023 15:17

My dad was always trying to rope me into step family gatherings and I really didn’t want to go as they aren’t my family.

kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 15:18

blendedfamly · 08/09/2023 09:15

15 years . In terms of time spent with cousins we only ever see them as a whole family including adult dd. Obviously dh has his childhood relationship with them too but as an adult has only seen them with us.

Show quote history

of course your DH had a relationship with them as an adult

unless he met you, presumably very much an adult with two children under belt, as a teenager?

Ihateslugs · 08/09/2023 15:22

This got me thinking about my family, no step children but loads of cousins.
I have been invited to a couple of my cousins weddings when my adult children have not. I think it’s about numbers, to invite children of cousins would easily increase the number of guests beyond reason. However, my children are close in age so the my invites did not include young children, they were all adults. I can’t remember if other cousins took their young children, I think they probably did if they were not old enough to be left.

Original poster
blendedfamly · 08/09/2023 15:53

@kimchiforever 😂 he was early 20's when we met. I don't think he really bothered with family events between about 14 and 25 so he might have bumped into them but not spent significant time together. We started attending that stuff as a family the year after we met

OP posts:
Original poster
blendedfamly · 08/09/2023 15:55

TheGoodBanana · 08/09/2023 14:04

We are getting married next month and it costs £107pp we can't invite everyone.

I think the fact your children are adults is the relevant point here, nothing to do with them being step. It is unfortunate though that they are the only adult children. Did you say your own DC is the next oldest too? so the rest of the second cousins are preschool age or babies?

Yes all between few months old and 5. It's a big age gap really

OP posts:
ninjafoodienovice · 08/09/2023 15:58

Why don't you leave your 5 yr old at home with her brothers and just you and DH go.
It'll be a numbers thing rather than a major snub. Just you go and enjoy it with DH

kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 15:58

You talk about how often or rather how i frequently you saw this family but what about the actual relationship?

are you close? Did these people have any contact with your adult children outside of the 2/3x a year?

kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 16:00

blendedfamly · 08/09/2023 15:55

Yes all between few months old and 5. It's a big age gap really

Show quote history

This is very relevant

I suspect they had absolutely no contact with your adult children outside of twice yearly get togethers, added to which - your 5 year old is same demographic as their children.

seems very sensible to me 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
blendedfamly · 08/09/2023 16:03

kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 15:58

You talk about how often or rather how i frequently you saw this family but what about the actual relationship?

are you close? Did these people have any contact with your adult children outside of the 2/3x a year?

My children follow them on sm and vice versa so they do occasionally chat on that. Dh, me and youngest dd have no contact In between

OP posts:
Original poster
blendedfamly · 08/09/2023 16:04

ninjafoodienovice · 08/09/2023 15:58

Why don't you leave your 5 yr old at home with her brothers and just you and DH go.
It'll be a numbers thing rather than a major snub. Just you go and enjoy it with DH

I'm tempted I prefer child free weddings

OP posts:
kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 16:05

Ok makes sense

they don’t have a relationship with the older two.

they are inviting your DH, you and his child that entirely fits in with Their demographic of the other children present. If he too was adult, I very much suspect he wouldn’t be invited also.

but what is the relationship actually like? Do you like these people, enjoy their company? Although if you have zero contact beyond two days a year, unlikely

kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 16:07

You mention past weddings, so they’ve been invited to past weddings of DH’s extended family?

ChristmasCrumpet · 08/09/2023 16:08

This is nothing to do with "stepchildren" and everything to do with being unrelated adults.

CorylusAgain · 08/09/2023 16:27

I hope you are feeling less upset about the situation having read the thread @blendedfamly. I wouldn't hide the invite or anything like that. Just reassure your adult dc that it is almost certainly a numbers thing. You can honestly tell them you know it happens in lots of families as dc get to adulthood.
I hope you enjoy the wedding

SleepingStandingUp · 08/09/2023 16:29

Sounds like they're keep numbers tight but didn't want to leave you needing to sort childcare.

You could tell them none of them are invited and get them to babysit.

Bloom15 · 08/09/2023 16:56

DearNora · 08/09/2023 10:40

The cousin does not think of your adult children as family - and has made it blatant by doing this

He is making a public statement to separate blood related family - from your own children that are not blood related.

That is all there is to it.

They are your husbands step children, yes?

I would not go. He is trying to tell you something here

What?!

That is a stretch

Original poster
blendedfamly · 08/09/2023 17:07

CorylusAgain · 08/09/2023 16:27

I hope you are feeling less upset about the situation having read the thread @blendedfamly. I wouldn't hide the invite or anything like that. Just reassure your adult dc that it is almost certainly a numbers thing. You can honestly tell them you know it happens in lots of families as dc get to adulthood.
I hope you enjoy the wedding

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
blendedfamly · 08/09/2023 17:08

kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 16:07

You mention past weddings, so they’ve been invited to past weddings of DH’s extended family?

Yes this is the first time. I agree with others I think it's more about them being adults than step. It's just hard because every family member is invited except them. It's like a school party where 28 kids are invited and 2 are left out.

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 08/09/2023 17:27

DearNora · 08/09/2023 13:46

Oh gosh really - I have learned something new today then £100 a head, wow

Show quote history

I got married 15 years ago, we were £50 for food and £25 for drinks per adult. That was fairly standard prices everywhere we looked, 3/4 star hotels.

Hence I'd think now, inflation you'll be closer to £100, per head.

kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 17:30

blendedfamly · 08/09/2023 17:08

Yes this is the first time. I agree with others I think it's more about them being adults than step. It's just hard because every family member is invited except them. It's like a school party where 28 kids are invited and 2 are left out.

Show quote history

So they have been invited to all previous extended family weddings over past 15 years?