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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding and step children

172 replies

blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 17:40

Name change as I don't want this linked to other posts.

I have 2 adult children (19, 22) Both still live at home. I also have a 5 year old with my husband. We have been together 15 years.

Dh cousin is getting married. We are not close to them, see them usually at Xmas plus weddings, funerals etc. When we do see them at family events my adult dc are always there too.

Cousin has invited me, dh and our 5 year old. Not adult dc. Im not sure how I feel about it. In terms of relationship I have spent no more time with cousin than my two dc and their younger sister has spent significantly less time. So it feels a bit like they have been left out. I know my dc consider everyone family and will be hurt.

Obviously we can't say anything to cousin as it will result in either a fall out or a begrudged invite but I'm not sure if I feel comfortable going.

Is it unreasonable to expect all (or none) of my children to be included in a wedding invite?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/09/2023 18:23

I agree that it’s because they’re adults, not because they’re DH step kids.

Original poster
blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 18:23

Batatahara · 07/09/2023 18:18

My parents were invited to lots of weddings when I was a young adult that I wasn't invited to, which I think colours my view. I understood completely that sometimes numbers are limited

If our youngest wasn't invited too I wouldn't be bothered at all . Another cousin did child free that was fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 18:24

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/09/2023 18:23

I agree that it’s because they’re adults, not because they’re DH step kids.

I hope so thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 18:26

stillavid · 07/09/2023 18:03

I imagine it is just a question of numbers. If they invite your two adult children they can't invite two friends.

We went to a wedding recently where my adult DC weren't invited - I wasn't offended.

Did you have younger dc who were?

OP posts:
Original poster
blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 18:38

awfullytricky · 07/09/2023 18:11

This is really simple to work out !

Cousin wants to invite your DH and is savvy enough to realise that he comes as a package. To an extent. In that he will want to bring his wife obviously.. and that means either leaving child out as at 5 he cannot be left alone. So she invited him too which is far more generous than the usual 'no kids' trope..

Your kids however can care for themselves. Weddings are expensive. So kids of cousins-wife is so far down the list that they won't make the cut.

Sorry but unless I had an endless £££££ wedding budget - I would do the same .

All true plus they are close to other cousins and will want them/their kids there.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 07/09/2023 18:46

blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 17:46

I wouldn't say we barely know them we see them 2-3 times a year for past 15 years. They would love to go.

Show quote history

I'd not mention invitation to adult DC but I'd politely decline invite. Will your DH support you on this?

Maryandherlamb · 07/09/2023 19:02

My partner's cousin invited him as part of his initial family unit to their wedding i.e. him, his sister, his mum and dad (we have 2 kids and have lived together for quite a few years!). It didn't offend me at all. I know how expensive weddings can be, and often people feel they need to invite certain relatives but just can't afford to invite all of their family. Maybe I would feel differently if some kids had been invited and others not. I honestly think I'd just politely decline though and not give it much thought.

Original poster
blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 19:02

He would but it would cause issue unless we give a reason for not going holiday etc. I was thinking of discussing it with dc and seeing how they feel. They will find out about wedding regardless as pil and sil will go.

OP posts:
FinnRussell · 07/09/2023 19:05

I'd ask them to look after your youngest and say no more about it. I think its very likely to be a numbers/budget issue and it's quite understandable they didn't make the cut. Also understandable you are sensitive about it. It's not worth any upset - go and enjoy a child free wedding!

FinnRussell · 07/09/2023 19:06

Sorry, them bring your oldest DC

CorylusAgain · 07/09/2023 19:18

Like many other pps, in this situation I would regard the 'family unit' as your dh, you and your 5 year old.
Not inviting the adult dc - even if blood family would not be unexpected.

TheBarbieEffect · 07/09/2023 19:20

blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 19:02

He would but it would cause issue unless we give a reason for not going holiday etc. I was thinking of discussing it with dc and seeing how they feel. They will find out about wedding regardless as pil and sil will go.

It doesn’t matter how they feel Confused They're not invited.

OneFrenchEgg · 07/09/2023 19:33

Trouble is it then leaves it open to do they invite plus ones for the adult children etc etc . Much easier to do person you are close to. Partner. Under 18s.

saraclara · 07/09/2023 19:49

awfullytricky · 07/09/2023 18:11

This is really simple to work out !

Cousin wants to invite your DH and is savvy enough to realise that he comes as a package. To an extent. In that he will want to bring his wife obviously.. and that means either leaving child out as at 5 he cannot be left alone. So she invited him too which is far more generous than the usual 'no kids' trope..

Your kids however can care for themselves. Weddings are expensive. So kids of cousins-wife is so far down the list that they won't make the cut.

Sorry but unless I had an endless £££££ wedding budget - I would do the same .

Absolutely this. Your DH is the primary guest, and primary guests get to bring their spouse of course. But they've very kindly recognised that it would be easier for you if you can also bring your dependent child.

It's not a step child rebuff. It's just thoughtful of them to include DC.

DisforDarkChocolate · 07/09/2023 19:53

I think it's fine as they are adults. Younger than I would have done but I think at some point adult children need to make their own family relationships and not just be added on as such.

Crazycrazylady · 07/09/2023 20:07

Honestly op. Your adult children are the grooms step second cousins !!! Where would you draw the line with the invitation list!!

Original poster
blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 20:08

I get what everyone is saying and you are all right. It is most likely because they are adults and it will be about numbers and costs. I can also bet the bride and groom have friends they are closer to than us / see more often that have not made the cut due to numbers. I get how tricky it is.

This is my issue, there are 27 family members on dhs side of the family. That's grandparents, parents, cousins/siblings and cousins/siblings kids. 25 are invited to the wedding, 2 are not. When we all meet at Xmas (we do Boxing Day brunch together every year) the wedding will obviously be a topic. Every person at brunch will be going to the wedding except my two dc.

OP posts:
PrimalOwl10 · 07/09/2023 20:17

They aren't going to pay for two adult places for there cousins wives adult children who they don't know. Your taking unnecessary offensive to this.

Crazycrazylady · 07/09/2023 20:19

I get it op. Given your kids are the oldest in the wider family , it's a shock but, this issue was always going to raise its head at some point as families expand and gatherings simply can't include everyone they use to because of numbers. In a few years the Boxing Day brunch may not be possible as more partners become involved and another generation joins in.
Your kids may understand that numbers are limited and they are cutting them at certain relationship. Ie first cousins invited . Second cousins are not.
Realistically typically second cousins tend not to be particularly close. It's likely as time passes that in the event your dh wasn't around, would your kids ever arrange a meet up with this person.

Dartmoorcheffy · 07/09/2023 20:24

There's possibly plenty on the brides side who aren't invited too. They have to draw a line. I really think you are making it into an issue when it shouldn't be one

Original poster
blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 20:35

Crazycrazylady · 07/09/2023 20:07

Honestly op. Your adult children are the grooms step second cousins !!! Where would you draw the line with the invitation list!!

All the other second cousins are invited including my youngest dd

OP posts:
PrimalOwl10 · 07/09/2023 20:47

But they are adults with their own independent lives who they barely know and see 2-3 times at a large family gathering. The second cousins are children who are depended in their family units.

Leeds2 · 07/09/2023 20:59

I don't personally think it is unreasonable to exclude adult step/children of cousins. It would probably have been different if your DC had been aged 16 and 14.

kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 07:57

How long have you been with yourDH OP?

Original poster
blendedfamly · 08/09/2023 09:15

kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 07:57

How long have you been with yourDH OP?

15 years . In terms of time spent with cousins we only ever see them as a whole family including adult dd. Obviously dh has his childhood relationship with them too but as an adult has only seen them with us.

OP posts: