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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding and step children

172 replies

blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 17:40

Name change as I don't want this linked to other posts.

I have 2 adult children (19, 22) Both still live at home. I also have a 5 year old with my husband. We have been together 15 years.

Dh cousin is getting married. We are not close to them, see them usually at Xmas plus weddings, funerals etc. When we do see them at family events my adult dc are always there too.

Cousin has invited me, dh and our 5 year old. Not adult dc. Im not sure how I feel about it. In terms of relationship I have spent no more time with cousin than my two dc and their younger sister has spent significantly less time. So it feels a bit like they have been left out. I know my dc consider everyone family and will be hurt.

Obviously we can't say anything to cousin as it will result in either a fall out or a begrudged invite but I'm not sure if I feel comfortable going.

Is it unreasonable to expect all (or none) of my children to be included in a wedding invite?

OP posts:
kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 17:31

You really don’t want to answer about your relationship with these people and whether you like them / enjoy the 2 days a year you get together?!

kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 17:32

Any other adult step children in the family?

Original poster
blendedfamly · 08/09/2023 17:57

kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 17:32

Any other adult step children in the family?

No tbf no other adult children either all the other 'kids' are 5 and under

OP posts:
Original poster
blendedfamly · 08/09/2023 18:01

kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 17:31

You really don’t want to answer about your relationship with these people and whether you like them / enjoy the 2 days a year you get together?!

I thought I had but maybe not. We all get on fine. Chat n catch up when we see each other. My adult dd are probably slightly closer to them as they are closer in age/life stage. But we get on fine.

OP posts:
kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 18:13

But you seem to bow agree that this is not something to be offended about, so why question your view that you got on?

Original poster
blendedfamly · 08/09/2023 18:42

kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 18:13

But you seem to bow agree that this is not something to be offended about, so why question your view that you got on?

Sorry I don't understand?

OP posts:
kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 18:54

I thought I had but maybe not.

why?

Original poster
blendedfamly · 08/09/2023 20:23

@kimchiforever I meant I thought I'd covered that in previous posts but maybe I hadn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
blendedfamly · 08/09/2023 20:25

@kimchiforever

Oh I just read it back . It does read like I'm saying I think they don't like us. Sorry that's not what I meant . Yes I think they like us , I don't think it's personal.

OP posts:
WildFeathers · 08/09/2023 23:41

I think that’s the thing for you. They might not be close to the bride and groom but they’re close to everyone else from the family going. I would make a differenr decision to them now I have kids myself but I probably would let have don’t then. I have certainly had invites where only my youngest has been invited along for childcare reasons.
Personally given you will feel understandably a little topsy turvy about it, I would leave all three kids at home if that’s possible and if the fact the 5 year old was able to go can be explained that they didn’t want to leave you not able to go if you couldn’t find childcare but you can find childcare so just the two of you go.

MaggieFS · 08/09/2023 23:52

You need to stop looking at this as a family gathering (like Boxing Day) and start looking at it as the wedding of the b&g. You've accepted it's more likely because they are adults than step, and I agree that's probably the case. But I don't think it's fair to see it as 25 of the 27 in the class are invited and they aren't. From what you've described, everyone who is either of the same generation as b&g or who is a dependent child is invited. Anyone else isn't. That just happens to be your DC. If your DC maintained contact with them in their own right, then I think there would be reason to be hurt, but the odd social media comment doesn't count, and it doesn't sound like there is other content.
Don't overthink this nor get upset. Try and find childcare for the 5yo and have a great time.

Original poster
blendedfamly · 09/09/2023 06:24

MaggieFS · 08/09/2023 23:52

You need to stop looking at this as a family gathering (like Boxing Day) and start looking at it as the wedding of the b&g. You've accepted it's more likely because they are adults than step, and I agree that's probably the case. But I don't think it's fair to see it as 25 of the 27 in the class are invited and they aren't. From what you've described, everyone who is either of the same generation as b&g or who is a dependent child is invited. Anyone else isn't. That just happens to be your DC. If your DC maintained contact with them in their own right, then I think there would be reason to be hurt, but the odd social media comment doesn't count, and it doesn't sound like there is other content.
Don't overthink this nor get upset. Try and find childcare for the 5yo and have a great time.

Great post thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
blendedfamly · 09/09/2023 06:26

WildFeathers · 08/09/2023 23:41

I think that’s the thing for you. They might not be close to the bride and groom but they’re close to everyone else from the family going. I would make a differenr decision to them now I have kids myself but I probably would let have don’t then. I have certainly had invites where only my youngest has been invited along for childcare reasons.
Personally given you will feel understandably a little topsy turvy about it, I would leave all three kids at home if that’s possible and if the fact the 5 year old was able to go can be explained that they didn’t want to leave you not able to go if you couldn’t find childcare but you can find childcare so just the two of you go.

I think we will try to go due this route

OP posts:
Aserena · 09/09/2023 07:51

I’d assume that it’s your husband that is really being invited. You are the ‘plus one’ and the5 tear old just because of childcare.
It’s not that they like you and DD more than your adult children. It’s just that you are deemed part of the package of DH’s invite. Adult DC obviously are not.

Sugarfree23 · 09/09/2023 08:07

Op another consideration is if the 5yo has other small cousins who will be there. Will they not miss out on many years of 'remember auntie Joe's wedding'?

The B&G may want the small cousins to be invited to help entertain each other and they may also be thinking about the childcare issues if regular babysitters at at the wedding.

Do your older two kids not get invited to events with their Dads side that the LO doesn't get invited too?

Original poster
blendedfamly · 09/09/2023 08:35

Sugarfree23 · 09/09/2023 08:07

Op another consideration is if the 5yo has other small cousins who will be there. Will they not miss out on many years of 'remember auntie Joe's wedding'?

The B&G may want the small cousins to be invited to help entertain each other and they may also be thinking about the childcare issues if regular babysitters at at the wedding.

Do your older two kids not get invited to events with their Dads side that the LO doesn't get invited too?

They do. But they have always lived with us full time so are fully immersed in dh family. ( more with pils and sil and grandparents tbf than cousins) Whereas they see their dad every few months and my dd has only briefly met him a handful of times .

OP posts:
kimchiforever · 09/09/2023 08:40

fully immersed in dh family
oh come on op

they see them 2/3 times a year.
You and dh have NO contact his family outside of these 2/3 days
and your kids share the odd message or “like” over social media

kimchiforever · 09/09/2023 08:43

Take your you NY eat as he will have fun with his similar aged cousins

and your adult children will no doubt enjoy having the house to themself for the day / night!

how far away do the family live?

CorylusAgain · 09/09/2023 09:06

kimchiforever · 09/09/2023 08:40

fully immersed in dh family
oh come on op

they see them 2/3 times a year.
You and dh have NO contact his family outside of these 2/3 days
and your kids share the odd message or “like” over social media

I think the OP is saying that unlike many step dc, her older 2 do not have a paternal extended family. And as they lived full time with OP and their step df, they would be included in all his family occasions. That's not typically the case with step dc who may spend 50% of their time with their df and his family

ChorltonCreamery · 09/09/2023 10:12

The sad truth is that your DH’s extended family might very well be excluding your children because they are not blood relatives even though they might really like them. If you asked this they would deny it anyway.

Your eldest children are proper adults, they are not going to hold it against their five year old half-sibling if they go to a family wedding on their dad’s side. If you tell the family that you’re not bringing the youngest one because it’s not fair that their adult half-siblings aren’t invited as someone upthread suggested they would think you were batshit.

There have been thousands of these threads because it’s wedding season and I am always amazed how quick people are to say the blood related kids need to be excluded too so as not to upset half/step kids in this case actual full blown adult half-siblings.

I am not against child-free weddings but when children are invited it gives them an opportunity to bond with relatives and in this case relatives they see at least two or three times a year. Don’t even consider leaving a five year old child behind. When they next meet they will be able to join in the reminiscing about the wedding.

Unless they have been brought up in a delusional Disney family at five they must know that the eldest have a different daddy.

For complete disclosure if I had money and capacity I would have invited them as they must have grown up knowing one another.

Original poster
blendedfamly · 09/09/2023 14:50

kimchiforever · 09/09/2023 08:40

fully immersed in dh family
oh come on op

they see them 2/3 times a year.
You and dh have NO contact his family outside of these 2/3 days
and your kids share the odd message or “like” over social media

I mean dh parents, gran and sister and family. Extended family less so

OP posts:
Original poster
blendedfamly · 09/09/2023 14:51

kimchiforever · 09/09/2023 08:43

Take your you NY eat as he will have fun with his similar aged cousins

and your adult children will no doubt enjoy having the house to themself for the day / night!

how far away do the family live?

Near us but weddings a few hours away

OP posts:
Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 15:57

Aserena · 09/09/2023 07:51

I’d assume that it’s your husband that is really being invited. You are the ‘plus one’ and the5 tear old just because of childcare.
It’s not that they like you and DD more than your adult children. It’s just that you are deemed part of the package of DH’s invite. Adult DC obviously are not.

This. With bells on.

This is extended family you see (and indeed have any communication with at all) 2/3 times… a year! No interaction virtual or otherwise In between.

not close. At all. They’re inviting your DH. And you’re his plus one with his child. If you were divorce…you wouldn’t be invited. He and your DS would be

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 15:58

blendedfamly · 09/09/2023 14:51

Near us but weddings a few hours away

Show quote history

Despite living close by, you see each other 2-3 times a year? And have nothing to do with each other beyond this.

bloomin heck, this isn’t a close relationship is it!!

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 15:59

blendedfamly · 09/09/2023 14:50

I mean dh parents, gran and sister and family. Extended family less so

Show quote history

So what level of relative are we talking about?