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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding and step children

172 replies

blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 17:40

Name change as I don't want this linked to other posts.

I have 2 adult children (19, 22) Both still live at home. I also have a 5 year old with my husband. We have been together 15 years.

Dh cousin is getting married. We are not close to them, see them usually at Xmas plus weddings, funerals etc. When we do see them at family events my adult dc are always there too.

Cousin has invited me, dh and our 5 year old. Not adult dc. Im not sure how I feel about it. In terms of relationship I have spent no more time with cousin than my two dc and their younger sister has spent significantly less time. So it feels a bit like they have been left out. I know my dc consider everyone family and will be hurt.

Obviously we can't say anything to cousin as it will result in either a fall out or a begrudged invite but I'm not sure if I feel comfortable going.

Is it unreasonable to expect all (or none) of my children to be included in a wedding invite?

OP posts:
CM1897 · 10/09/2023 07:03

blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 17:57

@Womencanlift I said Xmas , weddings , funerals etc.

So every Christmas plus any family gatherings over the year usually works our 2-3 times a year. Obviously less over covid

2-3 times a year isn’t a close relationship though. They have probably invited the 5 year old because they are related and it prevents you having to get child care

CM1897 · 10/09/2023 07:07

blendedfamly · 08/09/2023 15:53

@kimchiforever 😂 he was early 20's when we met. I don't think he really bothered with family events between about 14 and 25 so he might have bumped into them but not spent significant time together. We started attending that stuff as a family the year after we met

You’ve said it yourself, under 25 he didn’t go to family events, so why do your two adult children have to go to this wedding?

Kwasi · 10/09/2023 07:12

Batatahara · 07/09/2023 17:43

I think it's less because of the blended family thing but more because they are adults. You and your DH are a social unit and your 5 year old kinda is too, your adult children are not.

You may find that other adult children of cousins have also not been invited

This. Also, adults are expected to be given a plus one.

Cupofteafortwo · 10/09/2023 07:13

My 1st cousin recently got married and neither of my adult children were invited 18 and 23, I didn’t even question it. They only see each other a few times a year so I wouldn’t have expected it

Manthide · 10/09/2023 07:16

I have 4 children with a 10 year gap between my 2nd and 3rd children and over 16 years between oldest and youngest (full siblings). The eldest two have been treated differently since they were adults eg no easter eggs, Christmas presents from some relations etc. And that's fine - they are adults!
Weddings are expensive and if I was invited to a family wedding I'd only expect my youngest to be invited as the others are adults.

londonrach · 10/09/2023 07:19

No it's would be unreasonable to ask them. They adults. Yabu

Kwasi · 10/09/2023 07:27

blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 20:08

I get what everyone is saying and you are all right. It is most likely because they are adults and it will be about numbers and costs. I can also bet the bride and groom have friends they are closer to than us / see more often that have not made the cut due to numbers. I get how tricky it is.

This is my issue, there are 27 family members on dhs side of the family. That's grandparents, parents, cousins/siblings and cousins/siblings kids. 25 are invited to the wedding, 2 are not. When we all meet at Xmas (we do Boxing Day brunch together every year) the wedding will obviously be a topic. Every person at brunch will be going to the wedding except my two dc.

I understand how it looks; they’re the only two not invited. However, they’re also the only adult children. They (and you) will almost certainly feel they are excluded when it’s brought up on Boxing Day, which could get awkward.

Are they invited to the evening reception? That’s usually fair game.

Is it a church wedding? People often drop in for the service or stand outside to watch the bride and groom come out even if they aren’t invited to the service.

Noodles1234 · 10/09/2023 07:37

I think always have to remember when people get married they have every right to do and invite as they please, whether we agree / accept to go or not.
If you’re not that close to them, then they maybe only inviting your younger child as a goodwill gesture. Would your older kids want to go? Each space is expensive ( food and wine per head price), I doubt there is any underhand nastiness at play, just pure finances.

Manthide · 10/09/2023 07:42

blendedfamly · 07/09/2023 20:35

All the other second cousins are invited including my youngest dd

Show quote history

You did say all the other second cousins are under 5! My ds is 20 and at university and I recently had an invitation for a family party ( actually dm's first cousin but closer to me in age). Me, my dh and dd3 ( age 15) were invited but not ds or my other 2 dd. I wasn't at all offended and ds would have been fine with it - we didn't go in the end as dd3 had an important event on that weekend and it was 300 miles away.

freetheunicorn1 · 10/09/2023 07:46

Weddings are expensive and the bride and groom have to make decisions on who to invite. I would assume they are not invited because they are adults and the other cousins kids are invited because they are young.

CapEBarra · 10/09/2023 07:46

Is there any particular reason why the bride and groom would want to invite your adult children? They don’t appear to be friends or close to them in any way.

Chestnutz · 10/09/2023 07:51

This is fine. There’s a large age gap between me and my sister (same DM and DF), and I’m pretty sure there were some weddings where she would go and I didn’t.

ElephantSun · 10/09/2023 07:52

They have invited you because of your husband, and the youngest daughter because she still lives at home and is in the unit - and probably childcare.

Your older two children don't know them and are grown up. It's not unreasonable unless you make it such.

So much stress for a couple deciding wedding guests and paying for itz they probably haven't given it a second thought. If your that upset, don't go. Your not close to them so I'm sure they'll get over it.

CurlewKate · 10/09/2023 07:58

You are essentially your dh's plus 1.I don't see why you would expect your adult children to be invited!

Livelovebehappy · 10/09/2023 08:14

There are always hard choices to make with wedding guest lists. People have to make tough decisions, and dont necessarily leave people out due to limited relationships. It’s usually always about keeping the costs at a realistic and manageable level. I think the previous posters suggestion of leaving the youngest to be looked after for the day is a really good idea. I think the adult children would accept the decision better if that happened.

CoreopsisEverywhere · 10/09/2023 08:49

YABU

ActDottie · 10/09/2023 08:59

Couldn’t get worked up by this! They’re adults so it’s not like you’ll have to arrange childcare for then etc. they’re also not related to the groom but the five year old is.

Capdontrecycle · 10/09/2023 09:01

Op like I said

most 19 and 22 year olds who live at home will relish having the house to themselves overnight!

Mamabear48 · 10/09/2023 09:09

I’m currently doing my guest list and I’ve had to cut people I didn’t think I would just down to costs. If the bride hardly knows them she isn’t doing it to be spiteful. For an example, we have to pay £25 a head for children and anyone over 13 counts as an adult so that cost is £150 a head.

Mumto6ac · 10/09/2023 10:38

If your older children were too young to be left home alone & you would need to get a babysitter I would be offended but as they’re really adults now not so much. The thing with weddings is that numbers have to be cut somewhere & it’s very difficult not to offend people. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re not wanted there x

Katbum · 10/09/2023 10:42

They have invited the 5 year old because then you can decide to bring her and forego the expense and hassle of childcare (or you can decide she’ll have a babysitter and attend child free). Your adult dc are her cousin’s step-kids, so I can see why they haven’t been prioritised for an invitation. You simply have to stop somewhere and second step-cousin seems a reasonable place to decide ‘probably other people we’d rather have there’.

TrustyRusty68 · 10/09/2023 10:44

They’re most likely limited on numbers & costs. It’s often £50+ per adult at the wedding breakfast. I’d probably have done the same, but maybe invited adult children to the evening do, if numbers allowed. It’s tricky with weddings - so expensive, numbers need to be contained. If they’re not that close to your adult children, I can understand why.

celticprincess · 10/09/2023 10:47

We had to draw a line with numbers at our wedding. All the aunties and uncles were invited. One pair of my cousins were invited as we were very close. They are the same age as me and older so adult. My other pair of cousins wasn’t as we only see them at funerals etc. again, adult. On his side he has many many more cousins - and aunties who foster children. His two closer cousins our age were invited but all the other cousins who were children weren’t. What I will add though is all the non invited cousins were actually invited to the evening reception. Some of the younger cousins were brought to the ceremony as it was held in a public park and they wanted to see the wedding party, but then they had their person looking after them take them home after that part. We had to keep numbers down for the wedding breakfast and to be honest the children would have found that part really boring to sit through and wouldn’t really have enjoyed the meal we had one child at the wedding (DH’s sister’s child who was part of the wedding party). Our friends with children were given the same invites as the cousins who were children - the children could come to the evening but may chose not to.

CherryMaDeara · 10/09/2023 10:51

Sounds like you have decided to go with without any dc, which I think is fine.

On the whole, I think in this situation it’s fine not invite your adult dc, you aren’t close to these people and they will have assumed you can’t leave the 5yo.

I do wonder what the responses would have been if the adult dc were your step-kids and it was your cousin who didn’t invite them. It would have been pandemonium here, with posters telling you that you knew dh was a dad when you married so you now have to force your cousin to invite your adult step-kids.

Katbum · 10/09/2023 10:55

To add, I’m in a blended family and have an 8 yo step daughter, and 1 yo daughter. My dsd is not invited to most of my family functions such as weddings and adult birthday parties. She is always invited to kid’s parties. I think this is a nice compromise, and understand why my cousins don’t view a child who is not their relative in the same light as the related kids.