Wedding and step children

[blendedfamly]

Name change as I don't want this linked to other posts.

I have 2 adult children (19, 22) Both still live at home. I also have a 5 year old with my husband. We have been together 15 years.

Dh cousin is getting married. We are not close to them, see them usually at Xmas plus weddings, funerals etc. When we do see them at family events my adult dc are always there too.

Cousin has invited me, dh and our 5 year old. Not adult dc. Im not sure how I feel about it. In terms of relationship I have spent no more time with cousin than my two dc and their younger sister has spent significantly less time. So it feels a bit like they have been left out. I know my dc consider everyone family and will be hurt.

Obviously we can't say anything to cousin as it will result in either a fall out or a begrudged invite but I'm not sure if I feel comfortable going.

Is it unreasonable to expect all (or none) of my children to be included in a wedding invite?

Obviously Op, and this may be difficult to hear, that you

Regarded the relationship between DH’s family and your children as being considerably closer than they did

How big is the wesding

If you think they'll be hurt, I would go with a suggestion by PP and find childcare for your youngest. I wouldn't tell them that they weren't invited because they might feel sad about it for a long time afterwards (speaking as a step child). Just say that you and DH have been invited and maybe ask if one of them can look after your youngest DD. Good luck!

What?
Step first cousins once removed surely?🤔😁
(I'm assuming DH is a first cousin.)

That's very normal. I have 15 cousins (blood related) wee we're close as kids but less now. At each of their weddings only the 2-3 closest cousins have been invited. All the aunts and uncles go.

Weddings are costly. It would be an additional £100-200 to the couple to have your adult children who they don't know and aren't related to.

Even if they know them a bit better they've clearly drawn a line at adult children of cousins. It's a normal line.

Many venues also limit guest numbers... they'd rather have their mates there!

The cousin does not think of your adult children as family - and has made it blatant by doing this

He is making a public statement to separate blood related family - from your own children that are not blood related.

That is all there is to it.

They are your husbands step children, yes?

I would not go. He is trying to tell you something here

I would not go. He is trying to tell you something here

Dear god why are people so ready to be offended and pass that on to the next generation!
I have 2 brothers and there have been family (cousins) weddings where all of us have been invited, none of us have been invited (just our dps) or some of us have been invited! We didn't take offence. There were different reasons and all down to the individuals getting married. No one had a hissy fit or stopped speaking to each other at the next big family occasion. 🙄

This is what I would do too.

As pp have mentioned weddings are expensive. The cost of living has risen so much recently that it must be even more expensive now. Planning a wedding is stressful enough, don’t add to it by finding offence where none was intended.

How lovely. Well done you.

Happy to have given you a less precious and more tolerant perspective @DearNora

SC is a red herring. I wouldn't expect anyone to invite my own adult children to a wedding. We didn't even invite teenage kids of cousins to ours as we barely know them.

I have taken the liberty of pasting below the dictionary definition of the word 'tolerant' - as you seem either confused, or hypocritical:-

The ability or willingness to tolerate the existence of opinions or behaviour that one dislikes or disagrees with.

I have no confusion.
I was suggesting that although the OP's adult dcs may be disappointed not to have been invited, I would encourage them to be tolerant of the actions / decisions made by her DH's cousin and fiancee, not make a massive issue by refusing to go to the wedding.

I can see you obviously do not like to make a massive issue of things that you do not agree with.

This is a discussion forum @DearNora Differing view points are the entire purpose of MN 🤣

Are you having a bad day?

Quite. But it won't be the first time (on MN) that someone has come under fire for not inviting step cousins. But second step cousins is a whole new dimension!

It might be less to do with your DCs not being related by birth and more to do with the fact that they are adults who just did not make the cut for an invitation.

We had a wedding invitation in which our 12 year old DS was included but not our adult DDs (22 and 19, both at home). I assumed, since it was not a child free wedding, that DH and DS and I were invited as a family group (a cousin of mine) but DDs (who are adult second cousins of the groom) just did not make the cut for an invitation. No slight was intended and no offence taken.

If you think your DCs are going to be upset though you could soften it by asking them to look after your 5 year old. Spare the hurt feelings that way as I acknowledge that their status as step relatives might increase the potential for feeling slighted.

In the fear of being jumped on - I think this is awful.

How can a celebration of love and family, deliberately invite half a family?

Er, cost?????

This.
You are massively over thinking and expecting too much. They barely know your children.

It might be different if they invited your joint 5 yr old but didn't invite your 9 yr old. But they're adults.

It seems logical to me not to invite adults as an extension of their parents.
I also think single adults need a plus one.

It's really difficult, to draw the line and they have drawn a line that makes sense to them.

5yos are also cheap to invite, kids meal & juice doesn't cost much. Adults are probably pushing £100 a head.