To think we aren’t “super lucky” about this?

[ValentinaLouise]

Talking to a friend today about how I may potentially switch jobs at some point after maternity leave. She has said I’m a fool to do that and right now me and DH are “super lucky”. I’m not so sure but it’s certainly made me think! And although obviously we have to decide this, it would be interesting to see what others though.

me and DH work at the same place on alternative shifts, switching weekly. So we currently bring DS to work with us and the other goes home with him again, if that makes sense. So yes, we are lucky that there is always one of us available and we don’t need childcare, but this does mean we don’t see each other apart from a quick kiss until 8:30pm every day, it feels like we are solo parents for half a day until the weekend (obviously not I’m aware it’s definitely not even close to having to do it on your own) but not sure how to explain it. It’s good because we split everything 50/50, when I’m on lates I do what he does on earlies, etc. regarding cleaning/cooking/child stuff. Means DS is just as close to both of us, etc. and I do see the perks but it feels like we just never do anything as a family until the weekend. We obviously see each other for about an hour in the evenings too but then the one on earlies needs to go to bed, etc. it’s nice we do get to spend the weekend together of course though but I’m not sure this is such a “super lucky” situation? We obviously get double income and no childcare costs and again, we can split things equally but I do feel we are missing out on a lot as a family and have to do everything solo, but kind of just tag teaming it. Not sure.

would it be silly to change jobs in this situation? Is this a situation you would be glad to have?

My husband and I both work full time (or at least we will be when I go back after maternity leave).

Our weekdays look like this:

7am wake up
8am nursery drop off and go to work
6pm back from work and nursery pick up
6-8pm kids' dinner, bath and bedtime routine
8-10pm husband and I eat dinner and relax
10-11pm bedtime

It doesn't sound that different to your routine and you don't have to pay for nursery so I'd say you have a good setup.

With the alternating shifts mentioned I’d definitely keep to it.
If you are wanting more family time look into parental leave. It’s blocks of a week and unpaid but if you are ££££s better off not paying childcare you could use that saving to cover some parental leave.
I honestly can’t see any real downside to your current set up just positives.
Childcare, holiday care, inset days, sickness all covered.
Even tweens/young teens it means you can still do stuff in holidays and not stress about leaving all day.

I do think you're reeeeeaaally romanticising all the "family time" you'd get during the week. And underestimating what it would literally cost you.

This.

OP you are incredibly lucky

Weekday evenings are rushed affairs full of jobs, cooking, cleaning, bathing, bedtimes

I don't think now would be the time to consider a change. Childcare costs are huge for most people. It was way more than my mortgage for a while and I only work part time 3 days but had 2 in nursery (1 had funding but it still cost £200 for the extra hours I needed and lunch just for eldest). My youngest it was about £750 for the 3 days.

Our nursery isn't cheap but I know a lot on here pay more. Think ours is about £61 per day now.

Maybe once ur youngest is getting funding and eldest at school might be a good time to think about it.

I agree whoever is on earlies will have a tough day.

In your shoes I would stick with current job but use some of the money you’re saving on childcare to make life easier in other ways

eg a full year mat leave
unpaid parental leave
cleaner
maybe a bit of childcare here and there

Your son is incredibly lucky. To be able to have 1-1 time with a parent all week instead of being in childcare is very good for him (and I say this as someone who's had my kids in paid full time childcare, it can be absolutely fine but this would be better).

You are also lucky, in avoiding childcare costs, having time with your son, and once he starts nursery you'd also have some time to yourselves.

Like others have said, trading this for some family dinners is definitely not worth it, especially not while planning for another.

You’re looking at your current situation and factoring a baby in. But this isn’t strictly accurate. Presumably you’ll get 6-12 months or may leave with a very present and involved partner for substantial chunks of the day. Then by the time you go back your eldest will be eligible for free hours. So for 6 week terms one of you will just have the baby whilst eldest is in peschool. But you need to factor in school pick ups and holidays and/or wrap around care on top of nursery if you find a regular 9-5 (8-6) job. Juggling 4 different schedules / drop offs / pick ups / etc is no mean feat and whilst many family’s manage this, your current set up does sound great. And raising children with equal involvement from both parents is a rare gem and your kids are lucky to have that in my opinion.

I don't know about 'lucky' but it's certainly sensible I'd think - with commuting and so on, many couples don't get to see one another until 7-7:30 pm and really not much during the week. Even if one is a SAHP, often they're tired/bored when the other comes in and hands the baby over to be dealt with. If you're pregnant again, you'll be on maternity leave and have more time together. I'd keep the situation as it is tbh, not many couples have lots of quality time with a baby and toddler, and you do have weekends together.

One of my pet peeves is people describing situations as lucky when the people involved maybe put in the effort to be strategic/study a particular subject/has figured out what works for them and gone for it. Lucky is winning the lottery or something else random like that, unlucky is being severely ill or in an accident etc.

You're lucky to not have any childcare costs. Most people only see their DP for a couple of hours in the evening, and at the weekends, so I don't think you've really got it bad on that front tbh.

But you don't get as much downtime as a couple who both work 9-5 then share morning/evening care of DC, as you're either working or doing childcare solo for the majority of the day. I'd probably suck that up until they're at school so I didn't need to pay for childcare, but it is A LOT.

Sounds to me like you are super lucky. When my girls were little and upto the age of them starting nursery at 3 I was a SAHM, with no family support and a husband who works very long hours during the week (but the better earner) it wasn’t financially practical to go back to work. I did everything on my own during the week, husband would occasionally be home for bath and bed but rarely. I would eat tea with the kids and plate his up to be reheated later, we never ate as a family Monday to Friday and the only time we had together was the weekends. Of course the benefit of me being at home meant all the house jobs were done so we could truly relax (well as much as you can with young ones) on a weekend. If you change jobs you will have all the added childcare costs, I don’t know what they are in your area but my sister pays £1000 a month for 2 under the age of 3, three days a week. Then oftentimes there will be no one at home to keep on top of the jobs, added to that your children will see less of you. I think your friend is right

If you changed to a 9-5 and I assume your partner does the earlier work shift then you could gain 3 hours an evening together maybe. But it's the hours of having dinner and putting kids to bed, rather than time to really do anything. Also would have to pay for childcare (for 2 kids it'll be very expensive! I had to space mine out so oldest would be in schol by the time 2nd baby need sit). I guess it depends if those 3 hours together are worth the expense to you!

They switch so it’s not one on earlies.
With little ones hopefully they’ll nap a bit early afternoon.
Once school age earlies one can have a rest after work, pick up children and spend time with them and do activities.
Lates could prep tea/ put in slow cooker to make things easier for earlies person.

Can you buy additional annual leave? Drop in salary will be drop in ocean compared to paying childcare but would give you more family time.

Nursery costs at least £55 a day per day, per child, if not more around here. No outsert would let you swap afternoons and mornings around each week.

You could put your DCs in nursery a few times a week just for half a day to give each of you some much deserved down time after work!

Me and my partner have it very similar to you. We would never change it. We both spend a lot of time with DS and we have no child care costs. I’d count as as extremely lucky

Gosh, keep it. It's not perfect, but then nobody really has it perfect, but avoiding childcare fees is a massive bonus - although you might want to give them some sort of socialisation at a preschool or wherever when they're 3.

I'd think about changing when they're at school.

I wouldn't say you were lucky, I would say you have made conscious decisions about your jobs which has allowed you to do this.

You still make sacrifices to allow this to work but it works for you and that's the important thing.

It might not work for someone else.

When your children get older you and DP
won’t spend much time together mid week evenings anyway with 2 boys. Our evenings now are swimming lessons, football, athletics etc. Dinner is a dash.
Its fine as I appreciate our weekends more . I’d prefer your way. Being on the same shift is tough when they are poorly etc

This is basically our situation except we don't work in the same place. We have opposite shifts, works really well. I do a double on his days off though to make up for the fact I have less hours the rest of the time. We don't see a huge amount of each other but I'll probably change jobs once the kids are teens/self sufficient. Until then we just enjoy A/L together as a family and the kids do activities with us separately 🤷‍♀️
it's the most cosy effective way of raising small kids and means summer holidays are covered by us!

I think you probably have a great thing going and childcare is not only expensive but exhausting for children so much so that even having dinner with them is usually touch and go for meltdowns. Childcare for full time hours is about £1000 a month, per child. And it's hard to find ad hoc or shift pattern child care too.

I fully appreciate that feeling of not having the time together that maybe you would like or that you had on mat leave but I wouldn't rush into anything yet. Enjoy your mat leave and assess things again. There are big promises in the political manifestos for childcare. You might be in a different position in 12-18 months.

DH and I both work full time.
DH leaves for the office just before 7am so we dont see him in the morning. I get DD3 up and ready and take her to nursery before going to work to start at 10. DH then leaves work at 4 to collect DD and is home by 6 where he sorts and does dinner etc. I get home at 7 and put DD to bed. So we get about two hours together in the evening. All our family time is at the weekend.
You are lucky that you are not paying for childcare, and tbh most homes with two working adults have various degrees of 'ships in the night' during the week.

When our DC were pre school we both worked office hours with a commute so juggling nursery drop off and work we pretty much only had time once kids were in bed at 7.30. Then tidy up, make tea, TV, bed by 9.30/10pm. Not much difference to you except it cost us £900 a month for childcare!

Now they're primary aged we work from home but alternate who starts early, shutting themselves away in another room, the other parent takes on the morning breakfast and drop off routine, then after school it's wrap around care, or driving them around to activities and playdates while the other parent has 121 time with the child who isn't out that night, or. . . . we tidy up! We do sometimes eat together as a family during the week but the timings often don't work unless we want to eat our tea at 4.30pm before rushing out to swimming lessons!

Weekends are family time as even in school holidays kids are either in holiday club, or we tag team our annual leave. But now they sleep though the night we are happy to get up early with them at weekends and make the most of our time together so it feels like quality time. Having said that, our children enjoy 121 time with me or DH now they're older, plus we pursue our own hobbies and socialising, or I do something together with DH around the house like gardening or cooking, so we still aren't together all the time.

To have more family time you need to either:

1. Have a stay at home parent who looks after house and life admin
2. Buy time by outsourcing house and life admin, eat out/take away
3. Limit the number of kids extra curricular activities and your own socialising and hobbies.

Everything is a balance so only you know what to prioritise.

Honestly, it is not the set up standard but both of you are having much more valuable hours with your child than you would ever had if both worked the same shift.

There is not much you can do as a family when you both finish work in the evening, the kids haber been at the nursery the whole day and EVERYONE is exhausted to do much with the 1 or 2 hours you have before the kids go to bed.