To think we aren’t “super lucky” about this?

[ValentinaLouise]

Talking to a friend today about how I may potentially switch jobs at some point after maternity leave. She has said I’m a fool to do that and right now me and DH are “super lucky”. I’m not so sure but it’s certainly made me think! And although obviously we have to decide this, it would be interesting to see what others though.

me and DH work at the same place on alternative shifts, switching weekly. So we currently bring DS to work with us and the other goes home with him again, if that makes sense. So yes, we are lucky that there is always one of us available and we don’t need childcare, but this does mean we don’t see each other apart from a quick kiss until 8:30pm every day, it feels like we are solo parents for half a day until the weekend (obviously not I’m aware it’s definitely not even close to having to do it on your own) but not sure how to explain it. It’s good because we split everything 50/50, when I’m on lates I do what he does on earlies, etc. regarding cleaning/cooking/child stuff. Means DS is just as close to both of us, etc. and I do see the perks but it feels like we just never do anything as a family until the weekend. We obviously see each other for about an hour in the evenings too but then the one on earlies needs to go to bed, etc. it’s nice we do get to spend the weekend together of course though but I’m not sure this is such a “super lucky” situation? We obviously get double income and no childcare costs and again, we can split things equally but I do feel we are missing out on a lot as a family and have to do everything solo, but kind of just tag teaming it. Not sure.

would it be silly to change jobs in this situation? Is this a situation you would be glad to have?

I was going to say similar. Obviously lots of people work over weekends - DH and I both worked days/nights/weekends when DC were young. But even when we were both on days at the same time, we did very little 'as a family' in the weeknights as we were shattered/dealing with DC/trying to get a little bit of 'me' time each.

I think your current situation is really good, especially as you are expecting DC2. Save having family time until weekends and holidays - if you didn't have the current arrangement and used childcare, you'll be too skint/knackered/stressed out to enjoy weeknights anyway!

I would think being together from 8.30pm nearly every evening and the whole weekend is at least as much, if not more, than most families with two working adults get. I'd count myself very lucky to get that. Even if one of you has always been on earlies and so is tired early, it's not the same as a proper night shift, so you can see a bit of one another.

The lack of childcare costs is obviously a huge additional benefit, and the fact that there is always someone home to prep the evening meal and do the child's bedtime. In most families with two fulltime jobs, the dinner has to be got ready in a hurry after work, or constantly you live off things that are prepped the day before (once you've got the kids in bed, i.e. you're tired already!).

You would be absolutely mad to give this up for a 9-5 type job, unless it were for some other reason (you hated the current job, career progression etc.).

I wouldn't say lucky, I'd say fortunate in that you don't pay childcare. You say " but it feels like we just never do anything as a family until the weekend" - this is most families where both parents work, surely? Weekdays would just be breakfast and out the door, and home for dinner and bed. it sounds nice and balanced between you and DH. Can you reconsider once DS starts school?

I'd look at childcare costs, potential working patterns and commuting time and decide what's best for you as a family - everyone is different in terms of what works for them.
I don't think many families have much quality family time during the week - especially as kids get older your evenings can get eaten up by their activities/friends coming over/going out.
I suppose you're fortunate in saving childcare costs and having a choice of working patterns but I can see how it would get tiring doing either the morning routine or bedtime alone all week.

You've got it very cushy! Both spending one on one time with your child, no childcare costs and managers who are happy for you both to presumably start a few minutes late/finish a few minutes earlier to exchange your child.

Research other people's situations and childcare costs around you and see how you'd make it work.

Yes I think no childcare costs is very very beneficial, especially for two.
we don’t eat as a family, because the kids eat earlier and my partner isnt home until 6pm earliest. Actually most nights I eat alone. He also has a hobby outside of the home, so 2 weeknights of the week he comes home around 7.30pm instead, the other weeknights he comes home at 6pm and then leaves at 8pm to do the hobby returning when I’m in bed. He does bedtime when he is at home, I do it when he is not. He leaves the house at 7.15am, we are often not even downstairs yet. So 90% of parenting through the week is down to me. I am a childminder and wouldn’t consider doing anything else due to the aforementioned not having to pay for childcare.
weekends he often takes them out for the day on one of the days so I can get a break. We do something together the second day, or both days if he hasn’t taken them out. We don’t get much if any time doing anything of quality all four of us during the week. I think that’s pretty normal to be honest and I think you’d find the same if you changed your situation.

But so do other working parents?

Dh and I work different times and we're still like ships passing in the night because that's the reality of working and having kids I think. We also pay £££ in childcare so no I wouldn't give up what you have until you're through the preschool years

I think personally it does sound like you already have the ideal set up for now. I think it's a case of you thinking the grass is greener maybe? Definitely the cost of childcare for 2 kiddies is huge! It's also so lovely for DC to have at least one parent there for the majority. I think if you swapped jobs you would REALLY regret it.

In our current situation we dont even get weekends together as a family or evenings, we'd have to take annual leave to have the weekend to do things together with the kids.

Some of the answers on here are hilarious. All the ‘most people do this’ and ‘most people don’t have that’ and the even more dramatic ‘nobody gets to do that! Unless you know’ most people’ or ‘everyone’ you’re actually not in a position to say what most people and everyone else does.

I think there are some cons to your set up, but there are some very big pros to way over compensate for them.

Also as an example, this will entirely depend on where you live. But assuming you got a 9-5 job and therefore childcare would be needed 8.30-5.30 5 days a week for 2 children (as a previous poster said, you would need to pay for all the hours needed as I can’t fill an alternate half a day space every other week). With me (in the southeast so expensive) that would cost £630 PER WEEK.
find out hourly rates of Childminders near you and find out what your cost would be, but if you lived near me it would be absolute insanity to give up the situation you currently have.

So do all working parents though?

I think you really need to investigate the costs of childcare it could easily be £1k + a month. I’m unsure how much you’d really get together. Would you change to a 9-5? If he did permanent earlies you could possibly get half nursery days. Then you have to decide whose off for illness, stress of getting dc up and out the door. Whereas now I’m assuming you can have fairly relaxed mornings.

Hold onto it until the school years, it's only a few years which will fly by.

We paid thousands and thousands in childcare and we only had one DC, and we live in a country where there's decent enough subsidies and even had family helping us. It could have probably funded the extension we really want to get.

Now, more than ever is a time to be really clever about where your hard earned money goes.

Realistically how much do you actually do in the week ?? Because other than boring stuff we do absolutely nothing.......your friends right, id be sticking it out at least until your child starts school. You could start having some late evening walks or drive outs if you're that bothered but having entire weekends as a family sounds like a set up most people can only dream of.

No you are super lucky. Loads of people don't get family time together in the week some don't even get weekends.

I would say you are luckily financially (as you can both work full time without paying for childcare) but not luckily time spent together wise.

I think you can look at not needing paid childcare and that's lucky. Your little one always has mum or dad of both of you so I think that's lucky for baby (I know not everyone will agree with that.) On the otherhand you get very little time as a family which isn't lucky at all (unless you dislike each other which doesn't sound like the case.)

So I'm on the fence as I can see both sides.

That sounds like a pretty amazing set up given the extortion costs of childcare. Plus your little one gets equal time with both parents.

I think your friend might be right.

OP I consider myself “lucky” to be able to condense my hours. I work shifts back to back three days a week (12 hour days, covering full time hours). It means we only need childcare for three days. Which halves our bill to about 1000£ a month.

DH works 9-5 technically, but industry standard is 10-12 hour days. We don’t see each other apart from being asleep Monday to Friday eve!as he does “catch up hours” on the days I’m not on lates.

I do find the “shifts” tiring as other posters day. And it means a lot more of the “household” work/thinking/organizing falls to me. But the benefits far outweigh the costs.

The kids love it as it means I’m home to do play dates two days/after school some days.
I do consider that we eat dinner as a family - each one of us home eats with the kids. It works, and if we couldn’t do it this way - we’d have had to have less children!

It’s a long day if you are on earlies though up at 4 ish. Then on either at work or with dc till bed . Your older child should get some free hours by then. I’d consider putting him in nursery in the afternoons and whoever is on earlies takes baby home for a snooze. I suspect this schedule would work better with a decent siesta.

Respectfully I'm not sure how you couldn't have worked this out for yourself?

Childcare is so expensive

This is an ideal setup, I think you'd be mad to leave! When your children are at school, you won't be doing anything except at weekends. My husband works a rolling 24/7 shift pattern, we get 2 weekends in 5 with him so I do loads on my own with the kids and he feels sad at missing some of the things we get up to. I'd really love to be in a position where I could work more, have no worries about childcare and EVERY weekend together - if you don't mind me asking, where do you work, that the shifts are only in the week?! Are they recruiting? 🤣

I would love to but it doesn’t really work out like that. DC (5) is usually starving when he gets in from school, so gets fed as soon as we get in. While one does bath, the other does clearing up, sorting laundry, etc. DS gets hyper at bedtime if we both take him, so better it’s just one of us.