To be annoyed about comments about looking young

[Genericusers]

Started new job. Whenever I bring up having two kids or a nearly 10 year old, I instantly get "How old are you??" completely without any sugar coating. Is this normal?? Do many adults get asked outright how old they are when starting a job?

when I say 30 they make it into a thing. I'll get a gasp like I'm some sort of freak of nature "Hey - she's 30!! Doesn't she look young? I thought she was 22" Then other people will join in

As someone with social anxiety, it just makes me feel so on edge and I hate knowing I'm being looked at and my looks scrutinised. I feel like I have to hide that I have kids or my age because it'll become a "thing".

I know most people say looking younger is a good thing, but I wish my age could just not be a thing constantly.
Am I totally unreasonable here? Or can anyone sympathise.

It doesn't help that I looked 15 when I had my eldest so dealt with so much crap, I think it's a sore point.

Yes, you did misunderstand and were very quick to take offence when none was intended.

Ha, this!

I got refused alcohol when I was out with DH and our children. I don't understand... also, apparently DH is not even allowed to buy alcohol if you're with an under 18 (me, apparently) 🙄

Unfortunate @HuneyBuns

She didn’t say women who don’t have children hold no value though did she ?

Women don’t need to reproduce to have value …. But if we all stopped completely the world would be pretty ducked and science/biology dictates it’s younger women that do.

I had this too OP so totally empathise. It's not positive at all - it's humiliating particularly if you have children. I used to be mortified being iD'd going anywhere with friends or dates. I remember the doctor looking up my age on my record when I got the pill at 21 and saying she'd thought I was 15/16. I had no confidence at work in my late twenties / early thirties as I didn't feel like a fully grown woman! I also used to get frustrated when people said I'd be glad of it at 40.

What I will say is that around 37/38, it caught up with me. All of a sudden nobody looked surprised at the age of my children. I am so much more comfortable in my skin now. I know it doesn't help now but it's not forever!

The most frustrating thing is when people laugh at me on here or say I am making it up. Even after I have given just a small snapshot of what people say and what I experience. They don't understand because they are not me.

No, now you've misunderstood - I wasn't offended in the least. Surprised that a poster on a message board populated mostly by women would say that younger women have more value than older (partly or otherwise) because they are raising children, yes.

Oddly enough I'm not even slightly surprised that the poster who can barely string a sentence together thinks the only thing more important than looking pretty is having people tell you you look pretty, though

Yes I do know that. I'm just trying to offer an opinion on the psychology of why people of all ages, and both sexes, including the very elderly like to be told they look younger. Like the poster who's 90 year old mother likes to be taken for being in her 70s. Clearly no one is suggesting she looks young and fertile when they say that, but she likes it as its a sign she's looking well, healthy, (ie, not about to die.)

Looking well and healthy does not necessarily correlate with looking young.

Someone who has had a very healthy outdoor life is likely to look older than someone who hasn't (all other things being equal obviously). Someone who is very overweight is likely to have fewer wrinkles than someone who is a healthy weight and we correlate wrinkles with age.

Aimed at me I assume ? Clarify how I cannot string a sentence together - I used “ducked” so as not to swear. Pretty obvious.

Oddly enough, I’m surprised people are outraged by saying someone is youthful looking but it’s completely acceptable to be passive aggressive and rude about someone !

In those instances, no. But typically there is much overlap between youth signifiers and health signifiers. Slim toned body, upright posture, brisk and steady gait, healthy shiny hair, clear complexion, not looking tired. Which stands to reason given we are more likely to have good health in our youth.

I had my first son at 18 - he’s nearly 21.

Whenever I tell people (and at any age/stage prior) that’s all I get.

That or my personal favourite, ‘you don’t look like a mam’ - moreso when I was younger. What does a mam ‘look like’ is my response..

I have 4 children in total and people still seem to be shocked and astounded.

I don’t mind it really though :)

Except most of those are not what people mean when they say someone looks young...

I get this a lot. I used to hate it now quite like it as am in my 40s.

i get it OP. I’m 33, with a nearly 2 year old, car, mortgage….. and ALWAYS get ID’d for alcohol. By 33 I thought it would have stopped but no. It really grinds my gears lol.

Not this shit again.

i think that repetitive comments on any aspect of your appearance gets old really fast.
Whether it’s people always telling you that you look young or another classic would be “you’re so tall!” said constantly to every tall person, all the time.
Or pregnant people getting people always commenting on their bump.
OP I think the best way to stop being too sensitive about it is to give people the benefit of the doubt and recognise that a lot of them are just making conversation and trying to be nice (I do agree though with those who have said it’s a crap and ageist compliment ). We can all say obvious stupid stuff when we’re trying to make small talk - or at least I know I do.
it’s hard because you’ve had a lot of people being genuinely rude to you and horrible about your age. So sorry you went through all that and even got spat on - insane.
but some of these other people talking about your age are trying to be nice, albeit in a misguided way. It’s so easy for us all to offend each other and the best way past it is just to have lots of patience for people who aren’t being deliberately mean or whatever, in the same way they’d want you to have patience with them. If you tried to explain that looking young isn’t a compliment necessarily they’d be baffled as it’s clearly something they massively value. Just try and let it be water off a ducks back if you can.

I was 30 when I had my first child and 33 when I had my third. Whenever I answered the door, with a baby in arms and toddlers round my legs, I always got asked if I was baby sitting. Often got asked if my mum was in. When I was in my twenties, I often got overlooked in a shop queue, as they thought I was the child of the person in front. They used to say things like “oh I thought you were with your mum” or “are you spending your pocket money” I used to answer that one with “ Yes, on my husbands dinner!”
Some people just look young and anyone who comments is just surprised and is actually paying you a compliment. They probably wish they looked so young at that age. Don’t let this bother you so much, they don’t mean any harm.

To have that said to you is a different ball game than what your post was about. So maybe it's a case of dealing with those comments that were made years ago and learning to move on from them.

Hi morning, by not friendly do you mean they aren't trying to be nice?

Make the most of it. I used to get this as well untill about 2 years ago and then it stopped. I'm 33.

I hear ya @Genericusers I go to a specialist shop for my clothes, and I am so teeny tiny, that even childrens clothes just SWAMP me. I'm so small, that even though I am in my 50s, people think I am 35 to 45 years younger. It's quite the dilemma. It really annoys me, always being asked for I.D, always being asked what school I go to, and always being asked where my mommy is when someone comes to the house.

I have the same problem with people telling me how beautiful I am, and how my hair is golden and shiny, like silk spun by angels. It’s so annoying.

And don't forget........... you only look 5.

🤣

Same. I'm also petite short so I can never buy alcohol or be admitted to watch 15 rated films.

These threads though!