To be annoyed about comments about looking young

[Genericusers]

Started new job. Whenever I bring up having two kids or a nearly 10 year old, I instantly get "How old are you??" completely without any sugar coating. Is this normal?? Do many adults get asked outright how old they are when starting a job?

when I say 30 they make it into a thing. I'll get a gasp like I'm some sort of freak of nature "Hey - she's 30!! Doesn't she look young? I thought she was 22" Then other people will join in

As someone with social anxiety, it just makes me feel so on edge and I hate knowing I'm being looked at and my looks scrutinised. I feel like I have to hide that I have kids or my age because it'll become a "thing".

I know most people say looking younger is a good thing, but I wish my age could just not be a thing constantly.
Am I totally unreasonable here? Or can anyone sympathise.

It doesn't help that I looked 15 when I had my eldest so dealt with so much crap, I think it's a sore point.

My husband looks really young. He’s 52. Daughter is 32. I remember a man knocking on the door when his daughter was about 10 and asking if his mum and dad were in 😂

I give them a different age every time I'm asked how old I am. One nowhere near my actual age. 84, 60, 92, 12, 17.
They stop asking after a while.

Because the majority view in our society is its better to look young, so they are saying something that most people would recieve positively, which is what a compliment is. You could extend that to any compliment, couldn't you? I get told I have beautiful curly hair. I prefer straight hair personally, but I don't ask 'How is it a compliment to have beautiful curly hair?' because I know they think its a good thing.

Wasn't referencing ^you' directly, just there's a plethora of similar 'I look half my age and keep having people be rude' threads but I've never seen anyone post a photo as evidence!

If it's true , it's hard to believe you've been spat at for looking young , been questioned at 20 for looking sixteen and aren't you embarrassed to be going out in public with a baby , and to say you've been told you look young 30 times in the last few days .

The difference is, that society thinks it's better to look younger because of patriarchal conditioning. Younger women are more desirable because they are more likely to be slim, supple, fertile, pure, etc. So the compliment is not really 'you look young' but rather 'you look young enough for a man to want to breed you.' Rather less of a compliment when you think about it that way.

Curly hair is neither here nor there - just a preference.

Because it is. Just like it's the opposite of a compliment when someone says jeez he's had a hard paper round.

I am 38 and finally bought my own house. Last week a man came to the door to try and sell broadband, and he genuinely asked if my parents were in.

Just told him they weren't and he left me in peace. 😂

Looking young is brilliant. Take it as a compliment. How would you feel if a size 10 blonde bombshell came over to you in the office and said ‘I’m sick of being told how pretty and slim I am, it’s really getting on my nerves.’ I’m sure you think ‘oh fuck off Natalie, not exactly a hardship is it’. Your scenario is not much different.

Actually, looking younger isn't brilliant.

I find it quite hard to be taken seriously in my professional life because people think I'm much younger than I am. That's a huge problem for me, because I have a job where my experience and expertise is important, and I already face judgement in my sector for being a woman.

OP it sounds like it’s the unkind judgemental comments from when you were pregnant that are root of your uncomfort. Are you able to pause when people now mention your youthful looks and reframe what they are saying? Instead of automatically reacting, pause and see the person making the comment now is not those other people. This will give you time to think about how you want to respond and assess if they are being complimentary or if you want to redirect the conversation.

Maybe Natalie is sick and tired of people not taking her seriously because they can't see past their looks.

There is no need to buy in to the patriarchal bullshit just to placate those with insecurities about their looks because they have bought in to it.

@NeonSoda sorry to hear that. In my role, which is senior in the finance industry, I face no judgement at all for being a woman, or having kids, or looking young. Sorry its not the same for you.

This is one of those subjects that never goes well on MN. I think you have to experience it to understand why it's a bit grating.

I understand what you mean OP. It's very tiresome. I'm 36 now and no matter how I dress etc people think I am early 20s. And I still get asked for ID a lot, and as I have a non-British passport so when I do whip out ID it gets scrutinized and I get questioned about it being fake.

I'm a senior manager in my work and the other day was chased down the hall by our new HR director trying to corral me into a meeting for the new interns. It's made me very paranoid about how a come off/present as a person - do I act too young? Do I somehow seem immature?

It ruins a lot of my life looking like a kid in my late thirties. Who wants to be spoken down to and treated as though you are a kid? People have always assumed I am late teens or early twenties so they treat me as such. Trying to give me guidance or advice even though they are either younger than me or because they believe they are years older than me so are in a position to help the "young girl.".
I've lost count of the embarrassing incidents. It being assumed that I was starting secondary school when I was about to start college. Being yelled at to get on the school bus 'with your friends ' by the bus driver just last year. Being approached by those trying to get donations for charities and being told 'Actually, you look really young.' Despite 18 being the minimum age. Being id'd for paracetamol and it being assumed by hairdressers that I either live alone or with parents. People assuming I don't know about certain bands or TV programmes because 'You were not alive then'. Being humiliated at work when someone found out my age and everyone being in total disbelief to the point where they were all talking about it for ages and demanding to see my ID.
I'm not attractive at all. Big nose, flat chested for a start but I just have a kid like face. People assume that younger means beautiful but it doesn't. Not all teenagers are beauties are they so youth doesn't equal attractiveness.
People who think it must be great clearly don't get it. It is as I said, an area which has got worse for me rather than better. People always said I would be grateful at almost 40 but I'm not, it's made me feel worse.

Yes, I know why people believe it's better to look young. But the question was why is it a compliment to be told you do. The reason it's a compliment is because the person saying it thinks its better and assumes the other person will too. The reason they think it is immaterial to their intent. Which is to flatter rather than insult.

You missed the point.

The reason it's a compliment is because younger women are better for men in the patriarchy.

So it isn't a compliment at all, and we should make sure we say that every time it's said as if it were a compliment.

I get quietly annoyed about any age discussions with adults and, in my experience, it's usually women doing it. Men seldom seem much bothered by such things.

I belong to a couple of groups of (different) women where it seems to be expected for everyone else to chorus 'oh but you don't look it! I thought you were 5/10/15 years younger' (never older though).

Just why? What is the point? You look as you look.

It's the same for me with age at marriage and birth of the first child - 'you were so young!' Maybe by standards now, but not then. But - always women. Never met a man who's asked that. They are not interested.

Why are you annoyed? I'd be over the moon 😅

We could all say that its an anonymous site I'm 50 in a couple of months I could tell everyone I look 23 when would know
I see a lot of article ,s in magazine articles where women claim to often be mistaken for their.daughters sister rather than mother but its always immediately obvious to me who the older.one is .

I get this but it's mildly amusing if anything, never occurred to me to be upset or offended.

Just shrug and say you have good genes or something, don't make it into a big deal.

At work i remember a man refusing to see me as he thought I was too young. He wanted someone more experienced. I think I was 30 something by this point and doing my job while.

I understand why pp are saying it’s a compliment but it is irritating. Doesn’t happen often now though!

I get this all of the time I don't really mind it. I always always have ID on me. I've been ID'd for energy drinks before. I'm 31 and recently went to look at a car with my dad, my dad asked if we could test drive it and he said only my dad could drive, when I asked him why he said it's because they don't have insurance for young people. I felt a bit belittled but then I thought it's not the worst thing anyone's ever said to me,

There are lots and lots of women who do get annoyed by this, thankfully.