Page 6 | To be annoyed about comments about looking young

Genericusers · 2023-09-07T12:14:55+00:00

Started new job. Whenever I bring up having two kids or a nearly 10 year old, I instantly get "How old are you??" completely without any sugar coating. Is this normal?? Do many adults get asked outright how old they are when starting a job? when I say 30 they make it into a thing. I'll get a gasp like I'm some sort of freak of nature "Hey - she's 30!! Doesn't she look young? I thought she was 22" Then other people will join in As someone with social anxiety, it just makes me feel so on edge and I hate knowing I'm being looked at and my looks scrutinised. I feel like I have to hide that I have kids or my age because it'll become a "thing". I know most people say looking younger is a good thing, but I wish my age could just not be a thing constantly. Am I totally unreasonable here? Or can anyone sympathise. It doesn't help that I looked 15 when I had my eldest so dealt with so much crap, I think it's a sore point.

NeonSoda · 07/09/2023 17:45

Kay286 · 07/09/2023 17:44

@NeonSoda no because I’m thinking about 90 year womens face versus a 25 year old - so not thinking about f*king either to be honest.
I find it heard to believe you don’t know what I mean but a 90 year old wrinkled face with age spots , eye bags etc is not generally as visually appealing as a 25 year old face !

I just find it utterly bizarre.

I cannot imagine being so shallow that I would be like 'well I prefer looking at 20 year olds compared to 90 year olds because they have bags under their eyes and stuff.'

SocksAndTheCity · 07/09/2023 17:46

Kay286 · 07/09/2023 17:39

@OchonAgusOchonOh have you ever told you’re partner/spouse child they look beautiful or gorgeous ?

I have. But when doing so I have never, ever said 'you look much younger than your age today!'

Mostly because that would be a really stupid thing to say and make me look as thick as pigshit.

NeonSoda · 07/09/2023 17:47

Mememe1234 · 07/09/2023 17:42

I never said that we shouldn’t have our own opinions and feelings heard or acted upon.
I am referring to the amount of time focused on non issues. We absolutely should be fighting for our rights but some things aren’t that important in the grand scheme of things.
Everyone has a limited amount of time and energy and focusing on things that aren’t that important and weigh us down isnt good for anyone. All it does is impact your mental health in a bad way.

Edited

Show quote history

But what about if this is actually important?

What if it is important that we put an end to the patriarchal nonsense that says younger women are more valuable than older women?

Because I assure you, if we put an end to that school of thought, our lives as women would improve many times over.

Kay286 · 07/09/2023 17:52

@OchonAgusOchonOh im
not saying focus solely on looks of course I was merely wondering if you have ever placed any compliment on appearance.
Why does finding someone’s appearance nice have to mean shallow, if you’re not basing it in n that alone and they are smart , whitty , beautiful , youthful why can’t someone be all of these things

MorningSunflower · 07/09/2023 17:53

@NeonSoda If she's looking for a solution, perhaps she could experiment with some aging makeup and see if she can rustle up a few fake wrinkles to appear more mature.

Mememe1234 · 07/09/2023 17:55

NeonSoda · 07/09/2023 17:47

But what about if this is actually important?

What if it is important that we put an end to the patriarchal nonsense that says younger women are more valuable than older women?

Because I assure you, if we put an end to that school of thought, our lives as women would improve many times over.

Show quote history

My point is about the focus on getting offended that someone said you look younger. This is mostly coming from a good place.
Younger women are not more valuable than older women. I really don’t see it that way. They might appear more beautiful as no wrinkles etc… but even as a women if we are honest with ourselves looking young is not a bad thing.
You could also say that younger women are perceived as having less experience in the workplace and older women are more valuable. This is something that happens too. It really depends from what context you are looking at.

5128gap · 07/09/2023 17:55

OchonAgusOchonOh · 07/09/2023 17:28

Let's reverse that. Why do you think it's nice to be considered younger? Why not just not comment at all on the person's age?

You are basically saying that younger is better than older. Why not value the wisdom that hopefully comes with age rather than the superficial aspects associated with physical appearance?

Show quote history

In many ways being younger is better than being older. Younger people typically have better health, more energy and more to look forward to. That's not to say aging is all bad, and in my 50s I'm actually very age positive. But I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to getting even older, and would be amazed if I considered it as good as being younger, with the inevitable health issues, reduced opportunities and awareness of mortality it brings after that certain tipping point.
When people comment on your youthfulness, I think to an extent it feels like you're kicking the can down the road a little, and you don't have to worry about that yet.
Saying that being younger is better is not the same as saying young people are better than older ones, and are worthy of greater regard or value, which is of course an awful attitude. Its simply acknowledging that many people prefer that stage of their lives.

Kay286 · 07/09/2023 17:57

@NeonSoda Why it is shallow ? I love my 90 old granny 2 bits she has amazing personality I don’t obv care what she looks like but I can categorically say the 28 year old nurse which looks after her has an aesthetically more attractive face !
Its biology.

BIossomtoes · 07/09/2023 18:00

NeonSoda · 07/09/2023 17:47

But what about if this is actually important?

What if it is important that we put an end to the patriarchal nonsense that says younger women are more valuable than older women?

Because I assure you, if we put an end to that school of thought, our lives as women would improve many times over.

Show quote history

Younger women are more valuable than older women. They work and contribute to the economy, bring children into the world and raise the generations of the future. At 70 my value to the world is pretty limited, I’ve spent my capital. I can’t see how life would improve for any woman by pretending I still have as much value as I did 30 or 40 years ago.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 07/09/2023 18:02

Kay286 · 07/09/2023 17:52

@OchonAgusOchonOh im
not saying focus solely on looks of course I was merely wondering if you have ever placed any compliment on appearance.
Why does finding someone’s appearance nice have to mean shallow, if you’re not basing it in n that alone and they are smart , whitty , beautiful , youthful why can’t someone be all of these things

Yes they can be all of those things. What is particularly shallow is conflating attractive with young.

Yes, I have complimented my family members on appearance. However, I have never referred to them looking youthful.

HuneyBuns · 07/09/2023 18:03

Kay286 · 07/09/2023 17:39

@OchonAgusOchonOh have you ever told you’re partner/spouse child they look beautiful or gorgeous ?

No. That would be surrendering to the patriarchy and its ideas of beauty.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 07/09/2023 18:03

5128gap · 07/09/2023 17:55

In many ways being younger is better than being older. Younger people typically have better health, more energy and more to look forward to. That's not to say aging is all bad, and in my 50s I'm actually very age positive. But I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to getting even older, and would be amazed if I considered it as good as being younger, with the inevitable health issues, reduced opportunities and awareness of mortality it brings after that certain tipping point.
When people comment on your youthfulness, I think to an extent it feels like you're kicking the can down the road a little, and you don't have to worry about that yet.
Saying that being younger is better is not the same as saying young people are better than older ones, and are worthy of greater regard or value, which is of course an awful attitude. Its simply acknowledging that many people prefer that stage of their lives.

Show quote history

They are completely different. Whether you look younger or not does not impact on ageing related health issues.

Kay286 · 07/09/2023 18:03

@OchonAgusOchonOh I would guess you’ve never told them they look nice and old either !

BIossomtoes · 07/09/2023 18:04

HuneyBuns · 07/09/2023 18:03

No. That would be surrendering to the patriarchy and its ideas of beauty.

Show quote history

🙄

Shitsandwiches · 07/09/2023 18:04

I've always looked younger than I am - I felt really patronised when I was in my 20s/30s - talked down to like I was a kid, not taken seriously, ID'd in shops to the point I'd feel self-conscious and like I was behaving illegally when buying wine.

I remember going to citizens advice when I was divorcing abusive ex-H in my 30s and when I was running through my finances/property with the advisor, he was actually horrible to me, condescending and rude and was surprised at all my answers and I could tell it was because he had decided when I walked through the door that I was nothing more than a chav teen mum. I should have complained.

I'm 47 now and could probably get away with being 40 which I guess is nice, but I'm not invested in my looks nor anyone else's and I really don't like the scrutiny when asked how old my kids are (18 and 15) and the 'shock horror' looks I get. I bristle when the subject of age gets brought up - it really grates.

I work in a hospital and I remember one of the consultants (female, tiny, blonde, younger looking than she was) being really patronised and talked down to by some male dinosaur from management and I just thought 'fuck off!! She's a fucking consultant, how dare you'....not that she needed my support, she handled him just fine!

Kay286 · 07/09/2023 18:05

HuneyBuns · 07/09/2023 18:03

No. That would be surrendering to the patriarchy and its ideas of beauty.

Show quote history

God I bet you’re fun to go out with !

OchonAgusOchonOh · 07/09/2023 18:06

Kay286 · 07/09/2023 18:03

@OchonAgusOchonOh I would guess you’ve never told them they look nice and old either !

No, I haven't. Why on earth would I would I? It's equally as shallow.

SocksAndTheCity · 07/09/2023 18:07

BIossomtoes · 07/09/2023 18:00

Younger women are more valuable than older women. They work and contribute to the economy, bring children into the world and raise the generations of the future. At 70 my value to the world is pretty limited, I’ve spent my capital. I can’t see how life would improve for any woman by pretending I still have as much value as I did 30 or 40 years ago.

Show quote history

So women who haven't had children have no value? God help them if they're not 'visually appealing' as well; maybe some sort of voluntary euthanasia programme should be set up?

I contribute far more to the economy at fifty than I ever did at 20-25, btw.

HuneyBuns · 07/09/2023 18:07

God I bet you’re fun to go out with !

I actually cried at this😂
It was sarcasm but yes, you're right. I am fun to go out with😂😂😂🙄

BIossomtoes · 07/09/2023 18:10

So women who haven't had children have no value?

I didn’t say that, did I? As for contributing to the economy, well at my age 50 is still young. 🤷‍♀️

Sporkle99 · 07/09/2023 18:12

The only time it annoys me is when I get asked for ID and don't have any with me 🙄

atelli · 07/09/2023 18:12

Wow I could have written this! Im also 30 with 2 similar age children. At work Im met with absolute shock and disbelief if I disclose my age. It’s got to the point where I just don’t mention my children and let people assume I’m younger because I find it quite degrading, I’ve also experienced the whole ‘Omg everyone atelli is THIRTY’ and everyone gawping together like I’m a freak. So rude.

I don’t take it as a compliment. I do look young because I have a round baby face. I hate the way I look and feel really self conscious.

SocksAndTheCity · 07/09/2023 18:13

BIossomtoes · 07/09/2023 18:10

So women who haven't had children have no value?

I didn’t say that, did I? As for contributing to the economy, well at my age 50 is still young. 🤷‍♀️

Then I must have misunderstood your post, but as far as I can see, two out of three of the 'valuable' characteristics you attributed to younger women were based around their reproductive choices.

Dizzybelle · 07/09/2023 18:18

OchonAgusOchonOh · 07/09/2023 17:33

The only reason you think that is because of the patriarchal focus on youth = attractive for women.

If you define attractive as young for women, you will never see what is attractive in older women.

Show quote history

Succinctly put! Excellent post!

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 07/09/2023 18:20

I’ve always looked younger than I am, not through trying, I’m not into Botox, fillers and lots of make up, just as a family we tend to be baby faced and fairly good skin. My mum and two of my sisters are the same.

I get it can be annoying for example when you go to the shop to buy alcohol and get ID’d but you didn’t bring any because you’re over 35 and shouldn’t need it!! Or when you take your older child for a heath appointment and they get the raised eye brow question “so who is this you’ve brought with you today?” The eyebrow goes even higher when they say you’re their mum.

but try not to let it get to you. Most people don’t dwell on what you look like. It’s a passing comment. Only once at work have I ever felt it was used against me. The person in question calling me a little girl and trying to under mine me (I was 36 at the time). I was pleased to find out we are the same age and smiled to myself after that she thought I was so much younger than her, though it was annoying at the time.