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Original poster

To be annoyed about comments about looking young

202 replies

Genericusers · 07/09/2023 13:14

Started new job. Whenever I bring up having two kids or a nearly 10 year old, I instantly get "How old are you??" completely without any sugar coating. Is this normal?? Do many adults get asked outright how old they are when starting a job?

when I say 30 they make it into a thing. I'll get a gasp like I'm some sort of freak of nature "Hey - she's 30!! Doesn't she look young? I thought she was 22" Then other people will join in

As someone with social anxiety, it just makes me feel so on edge and I hate knowing I'm being looked at and my looks scrutinised. I feel like I have to hide that I have kids or my age because it'll become a "thing".

I know most people say looking younger is a good thing, but I wish my age could just not be a thing constantly.
Am I totally unreasonable here? Or can anyone sympathise.

It doesn't help that I looked 15 when I had my eldest so dealt with so much crap, I think it's a sore point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Genericusers · 07/09/2023 16:24

NeonSoda · 07/09/2023 15:36

Actually, looking younger isn't brilliant.

I find it quite hard to be taken seriously in my professional life because people think I'm much younger than I am. That's a huge problem for me, because I have a job where my experience and expertise is important, and I already face judgement in my sector for being a woman.

Show quote history

I'm quite ugly though. Just young looking

OP posts:
Dizzybelle · 07/09/2023 16:26

efwx · 07/09/2023 15:15

Why is this a bad thing? I think it's a huge compliment. I'm 32 and I know I don't look my age, I often get told I look around 25 and I love it!

Because it’s saying that being 25 is better than being 32, because society values youth and youthful looks above all else. It’s ageist and it’s not a true compliment.

Mememe1234 · 07/09/2023 16:26

People are so sensitive these days that you have no idea what to say to them.
These days a lot of women are having kids older so having a kid at 20 years old is very young. I’m nearly 40 and have a toddler.
The other day the managing director in my company said you look so young to have done x y z. I think TEAMS defo makes me look younger haha
To me it felt like a compliment and I really hope I can stay young looking 😆 but if not just age gracefully

Growlybear83 · 07/09/2023 16:29

I've always taken it as a great compliment if people have said I look younger than my age, same as in the days when I used to get wolf whistles. I'm very surprised that youve had negative comments about 30 being young to have children.

My Mum was always thrilled when people commented on her age, especially once she was in her nineties. She was fortunate in that she looked 20 years younger for most of her later years and you could see her delight when people realised her age.

usernother · 07/09/2023 16:31

@OchonAgusOchonOh
It think it's a bit sad that you buy in to that mentality. I don't see it as a compliment. I see it as a personal comment and consider it rude.

I didn't say I bought into it. That's why I said 'it's seen' not 'I think that'.

5128gap · 07/09/2023 16:33

NeonSoda · 07/09/2023 15:53

You missed the point.

The reason it's a compliment is because younger women are better for men in the patriarchy.

So it isn't a compliment at all, and we should make sure we say that every time it's said as if it were a compliment.

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No I'm not missing the point at all. I understand fully that you're saying we should stop viewing looking young as a compliment, stop saying it to compliment people, and challenge those who say it to us, because failing to do so perpetuates patriarchal values.
I'm just saying that the people who say it mean no harm.
Our love affair with youth isn't solely about the patriarchy anyway. It's at least in part to do with rejection of the decline and disadvantages of aging, and ultimately fear of our own death. Which also applies to men, who also prefer to be youthful than old. Though obviously with less pressure on the asthetic side than women experience, and less discrimination as they age.

justbraisi · 07/09/2023 16:33

Growlybear83 · 07/09/2023 16:29

I've always taken it as a great compliment if people have said I look younger than my age, same as in the days when I used to get wolf whistles. I'm very surprised that youve had negative comments about 30 being young to have children.

My Mum was always thrilled when people commented on her age, especially once she was in her nineties. She was fortunate in that she looked 20 years younger for most of her later years and you could see her delight when people realised her age.

I don't know that wolf whistles are compliments really. I'd rather someone came up to me and complimented me with you know, words, rather that whistling at me like a dog.

Fawbs89 · 07/09/2023 16:34

I'm 34 and get this allll the time at work. I often get told I look 23 to 25. It's a little annoying sometimes as some people don't take me seriously (I work in law) until they know my actual age and experience. But at least we don't look old!

NeonSoda · 07/09/2023 16:37

justbraisi · 07/09/2023 16:33

I don't know that wolf whistles are compliments really. I'd rather someone came up to me and complimented me with you know, words, rather that whistling at me like a dog.

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I think a wolf whistle is as much a compliment as some random bloke shouting 'wanna fuck?' across the street at you.

In that it's not a compliment at all.

SocksAndTheCity · 07/09/2023 16:39

You don't have to say anything at all to people when it comes to their appearance or life choices @Mememe1234 , at least unless they insist you do.

I am fifty and I look fifty. When I was forty I looked forty, and so on - nobody can possibly look any age other than the one they are, unless they've been frozen in time somehow.

I don't look like anybody else looked at fifty or will look at fifty, because I'm a different person and no two people look the same. What I think does happen is people conflate somebody looking nice with looking younger and assume others will too, but it's incredibly irritating.

justbraisi · 07/09/2023 16:42

NeonSoda · 07/09/2023 16:37

I think a wolf whistle is as much a compliment as some random bloke shouting 'wanna fuck?' across the street at you.

In that it's not a compliment at all.

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Eh? Someone shouting 'wanna fuck' is pretty much the same as wolf whistle and not a compliment either.

I met a previous ex when he came up to me and said he thought I was pretty and would I be interested in getting a drink some time. That's what I meant by compliment. Christ.

DerekFaker · 07/09/2023 16:43
Drink Reaction GIF by Laff

I am 38 and people think I am 17-23

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 07/09/2023 16:43

I get this too OP and I absolutely hate it.
I like that I look young, that's great news for my skin and for the future (I hope) BUT I get talked down to, people make references and then say "Oh you won't remember this" about something that happened about 15 years ago etc.
I also get people (mainly men) apologise for swearing in front of me...I swear like a trooper!

justbraisi · 07/09/2023 16:44

Whoops @NeonSoda sorry I read that too quickly and didn't realise you were agreeing with me haha

Dizzybelle · 07/09/2023 16:45

Growlybear83 · 07/09/2023 16:29

I've always taken it as a great compliment if people have said I look younger than my age, same as in the days when I used to get wolf whistles. I'm very surprised that youve had negative comments about 30 being young to have children.

My Mum was always thrilled when people commented on her age, especially once she was in her nineties. She was fortunate in that she looked 20 years younger for most of her later years and you could see her delight when people realised her age.

Wolf-whistling is harassment, hardly a compliment.

willWillSmithsmith · 07/09/2023 16:50

I remember last year having a chat with someone I didn’t know (casual work). When she said the age of her eldest (about 12) I was surprised because she looked about 22. I commented (nicely) how she looks very youthful, it certainly wasn’t said as a jibe and five minutes later I wouldn’t have been able to pick her out of a line up because I wasn’t scrutinising her looks.

I can imagine it might be tedious if you hear it multiple times. Being spat on is just incomprehensible.

willWillSmithsmith · 07/09/2023 16:57

Dizzybelle · 07/09/2023 16:26

Because it’s saying that being 25 is better than being 32, because society values youth and youthful looks above all else. It’s ageist and it’s not a true compliment.

Show quote history

I’d still rather look younger than I am now though. I’d love to look twenty years younger and that’s not for anyone but myself. If I could click my fingers and get rid of all the physical signs of being sixty and look more like I did in my forties I would in an instant.

DearNora · 07/09/2023 17:02

Faux-rage.

Jesus, how do some people get anything done in life when they are so outraged at everything.

Not necessarily to the OP, but No one cares about the way you look, as much as you think they do

NeonSoda · 07/09/2023 17:05

DearNora · 07/09/2023 17:02

Faux-rage.

Jesus, how do some people get anything done in life when they are so outraged at everything.

Not necessarily to the OP, but No one cares about the way you look, as much as you think they do

If they didn't care then they wouldn't comment on your looks, or act differently depending on how someone looks.

HuneyBuns · 07/09/2023 17:06

It think it's a bit sad that you buy in to that mentality. I don't see it as a compliment. I see it as a personal comment and consider it rude.

It's sad to be flattered when somebody implies you look good? Mhmmm

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 07/09/2023 17:07

This wouldn't bother me at all

Rummikub · 07/09/2023 17:09

People treat you differently!

Kay286 · 07/09/2023 17:11

@OchonAgusOchonOh why is it NOT a compliment?? Surely it’s a nicer thing to say you look younger than your years rather than older … ageing is well aging but looking more youthful how is that not a nice thing to say … some people want to be offended at everything

Rummikub · 07/09/2023 17:12

Usually in a patronising way.

Ive been stroked, hugged and not taken seriously. It’s sometimes not nice.

NeonSoda · 07/09/2023 17:12

Kay286 · 07/09/2023 17:11

@OchonAgusOchonOh why is it NOT a compliment?? Surely it’s a nicer thing to say you look younger than your years rather than older … ageing is well aging but looking more youthful how is that not a nice thing to say … some people want to be offended at everything

But why comment on someone's looks or age at all?