To be annoyed about comments about looking young

[Genericusers]

Started new job. Whenever I bring up having two kids or a nearly 10 year old, I instantly get "How old are you??" completely without any sugar coating. Is this normal?? Do many adults get asked outright how old they are when starting a job?

when I say 30 they make it into a thing. I'll get a gasp like I'm some sort of freak of nature "Hey - she's 30!! Doesn't she look young? I thought she was 22" Then other people will join in

As someone with social anxiety, it just makes me feel so on edge and I hate knowing I'm being looked at and my looks scrutinised. I feel like I have to hide that I have kids or my age because it'll become a "thing".

I know most people say looking younger is a good thing, but I wish my age could just not be a thing constantly.
Am I totally unreasonable here? Or can anyone sympathise.

It doesn't help that I looked 15 when I had my eldest so dealt with so much crap, I think it's a sore point.

I understand you OP. For me it held me back professionally for a while until I changed jobs.
I even did thing like wearing reading glasses when I didn't need them, and dress differently to make myself look older.
I worked with mostly males in their 50's, despite progressing well within the company I really felt I was suited for opportunities but they were often given to older people and the only excuse being "you're not ready". That and often being called "the youth of today", and then asking me if I'd been to whatever new club youths go to. I was 30, married, houseowner. It really pissed me off and got to me to the point I left the company even though I really enjoyed the job. I never have this issue where I currently am.

@Dizzybelle So do you genuinely believe then the looks of a 90 old is not less appealing visually then a 25 year old ?

I get this a lot too, OP. It's not so much the being told "You look soooo young" in tones of shock and wonder (tedious as it is) but the patronising attitude that goes with how people treat you, especially in professional situations.

Being young does not equate to looking good or beautiful. Nobody ever tells me I look either of those (just as well, cos they'd be lying).

Just let it slide. Your overreacting you should take it as a compliment

@NeonSoda well because I thought in normal society it’s nice to build people up and make them feel good 🤷‍♀️So you wouldn’t comment if someone had a nice dress on…? By the same token that’s part of their appearance that day people shouldn’t be judged by how they dress … so surely we arent allowed to compliment that then ? Honestly worlds gone mad !

It's sad to buy in to a concept that is shallow, ageist and misogynistic.

These types of things is one of the reason why women are held back. We spend too much time getting offended and psycho analysing what he/she said. A lot of men don’t do this. They just focus on what they want to do. I know this is not a woman vs men debate but it’s an observation and is very limiting.

Well, I suppose it could be worse than being told you look young for your age. I remember in my youth, between the ages of 16 and 25, I was continually ID'd for films rated 15. Ah, but now that I'm in my mid-thirties, that's a bygone occurrence. You're only 30, so just wait until you're 35 - I guarantee you'll be hoping for those days of mistaken youthful identity again! Ha ha ha...

Perhaps you could view this as a good dry run for handling attention amid your social anxiety (I had awful SA when I was younger and exposure therapy does wonders). After all, the attention you are receiving isn't particularly friendly.

@OchonAgusOchonOh It's sad to buy in to a concept that is shallow, ageist and misogynistic ….. just wow all that from someone giving someone a compliment bloody hell…. Im guessing you don’t know what real problems are !!

Let's reverse that. Why do you think it's nice to be considered younger? Why not just not comment at all on the person's age?

You are basically saying that younger is better than older. Why not value the wisdom that hopefully comes with age rather than the superficial aspects associated with physical appearance?

It's sad to buy in to a concept that is shallow, ageist and misogynistic.

Yeah. I'm one of those people who looks forward to having good skin, hair and teeth later in life. Sorry, not sorry.

I know it's cliched, but I feel like this is another one of those only on MN things. Most people are flattered to be told they look nice.

However!

As someone who also had children young, I sympathise with op. Don't always like my age being made a big deal of.

You are conflating nice with young.

@OchonAgusOchonOh why cannot it not be both ? Why does it have to be viewed as offensive ? Why does saying someone looks youthful mean the person has automatically assumed they have no wisdom ?

The only reason you think that is because of the patriarchal focus on youth = attractive for women.

If you define attractive as young for women, you will never see what is attractive in older women.

Complimenting someones dress sense is not the same as complimenting someones appearance.

When you compliment someones dress sense you are complimenting the choices they have made and their sense of style, which they have worked on and curated over a lifetime.

When you compliment someones looks, there's nothing that they did to make that happen. It's not really a compliment, because they didn't do anything about it. You can't make yourself look younger. You just look that way.

The fact that being described as looking young is perceived as a compliment emphasises the shallow perception of what attributes are valued in society.

Indeed.

And as for the 90 year old vs 25 year old, the question is ridiculous because not all 90 or 25 year olds look the same.

I can't imagine wanting to look like anybody other than myself, but I'd certainly rather look like myself at 45-50 than myself at 25 for myriad reasons.

I'm 38 and I still get ID'd in bars, and even to buy energy drinks in shops.

It's a massive pain in the ass. There's nothing complimentary about it. Especially when they send me away without my Red Bull because I didn't have my drivers license.

No, women are not held back by fighting systemic injustice.

But the patriarchy loves that you're perpetuating that myth and suggesting that women shouldn't have their own opinions and feelings.

@OchonAgusOchonOh have you ever told you’re partner/spouse child they look beautiful or gorgeous ?

What do you mean by 'less visually appealing?' do you mean 'less fuckable?'

I never said that we shouldn’t have our own opinions and feelings heard or acted upon.
I am referring to the amount of time focused on non issues. We absolutely should be fighting for our rights but some things aren’t that important in the grand scheme of things.
Everyone has a limited amount of time and energy and focusing on things that aren’t that important and weigh us down isnt good for anyone. All it does is impact your mental health in a bad way.

@NeonSoda no because I’m thinking about 90 year womens face versus a 25 year old - so not thinking about f*king either to be honest.
I find it heard to believe you don’t know what I mean but a 90 year old wrinkled face with age spots , eye bags etc is not generally as visually appealing as a 25 year old face !

There is a huge difference between talking to family members and others.

I also tended not to focus on "being gorgeous" with my kids. It's not good for them to believe that looking "gorgeous" is what they should be aspiring too. They have many amazing attributes that are much more real than "being gorgeous" and have all grown up to be confident, happy and successful adults.

That is mainly because you have been socialised into believing that attractive = young.