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AIBU?

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Original poster

To stop feeding DD’s boyfriend

363 replies

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 11:13

I know I'm probably BU

DD and her bf are 18, and they were in an on and off ‘relationship’ since they were 12, but have been together without breaking up for 2 years. For many reasons, he lives with us. Not sure if they're relevant.

DD finished sixth form this year and she's due to start uni in a few weeks. Boyfriend however hasn't done anything since he finished sixth form. He didn't go most of his last year and as a result, failed his A levels. He told DD he wasn't enjoying what he chose and is due to go and do a course at college, I'm not sure if he will stick to it. DD’s room is a mess and I know it isn't DD as she's very tidy but she (rightly) refuses to tidy up after him. In his defence, he is helpful around the house.

My reason for posting is he doesn't eat meals, he constantly snacks. He eats chocolate, sweets, cakes, yoghurts, fruit, cereal etc. I buy the chocolate and sweets as a treat for my DCs and the other things for their lunchboxes, if he eats all of it he goes and buys his own. He used to be underweight and has gained weight but I don't think the constant snacking is good for him. He doesn't eat dinner even though he would previously eat it so I know he likes what I make. DD asked him why and he doesn't really give a reason, just that he isn't hungry.

A few cupcakes were left over from DD’s birthday and he ate all of them yesterday, which led to the DC’s being upset as there would've been enough for all of them to have one each.

WIBU to hide all of the snacks from him and not feed him?

OP posts:
WtfHormones · 07/09/2023 11:15

Why would you consider hiding stuff from him before you consider speaking to him about it?

Neodymium · 07/09/2023 11:17

I have a locked cupboard that I keep school snacks in. The kids and dh will just eat them all otherwise and then there is nothing for school.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 07/09/2023 11:18

I think the reasons he lives with you are likely to be hugely relevant here. What is his relationship like with his parents? What are the terms to his living with you? Does he / his family contribute anything? What are his plans if not alevels?

TheWayTheLightFalls · 07/09/2023 11:18

All basically determine whether you can treat him like one of your own imo.

MuddlerInLaw · 07/09/2023 11:19

How is the current arrangement going to work when they inevitably break up once your daughter starts university and he’s still at college?

bracemyselfagain · 07/09/2023 11:20

Does he have a long(er) term plan? - what's he going to be doing whilst your DD is off at Uni?

He sounds depressed imo

fairyfluf · 07/09/2023 11:20

Sorry but if he lives with you then you should treat him the same as your daughter re food

reallyworriedjobhunter · 07/09/2023 11:20

He sounds like he is struggling with something.

Hankunamatata · 07/09/2023 11:21

Tell him that he isn't to take food without asking. Give him and dd a cupboard for their snacks.

historyrepeatz · 07/09/2023 11:22

Is your DD going to be living at home whilst at uni? If not will he be moving out in which case I might bite my tongue until then. If he were to move back I think it would be conditional on clear ground rules being met.

waterrat · 07/09/2023 11:22

Okay there are a few things here - the guy has developed poor eating habits and sugar addiction

It's very bad manners to eat cupcakes that were for children - I think you need to sit down with him and talk about this.

he is not a toddler to be kept out of a locked cupboard! He needs to control himself out of respect for those around him.

He needs to be treated like an adult - and adults contribute rather than just take everyones snacks - can you sit down and put some rules down around snacking out of your food shop/ sitting down and taking part in proper meals???

it sounds like you have a type of parental role to him so you need to step into it unfortunately if nobody else is. clearly it's not good for him to eat nothing but crap.

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 07/09/2023 11:23

Why are you enabling this set up? And saddling your daughter with a useless dead weight to boot?

She can hardly break up with someone who depends on her parents for housing. It's sad if he's got shit going on, but your priority really should be your daughter.

The whole thing sounds incredibly codependent and unhealthy. I met my now husband when we were 16 and 18, and I'm grateful for my parents for ensuring that we were encouraged to go off to uni separately and live separately.

He did end up moving into my parents house when I was 21 and he was 23 in order to save for a deposit, but we were both working by then. No way would they be letting someone loaf around the house all day!

WindowsSmindows · 07/09/2023 11:23

So you set up an arranged marriage for your daughter and he's a loser?
This isn't about the food he eats this is big picture stuff. How do you feel about facilitating or arranging for your young daughter to live with a poor partner?

FattyGonzalez · 07/09/2023 11:24

Does he have adhd? Perhaps you need to sit him down 1:1 and ask him if hes ok. Future plans etc. where you would normally speak to your own kids here, perhaps he feels hes got no one for advice. I know your not his parent.

with food, also ask him. I dont know what the past is to him being underweight but eating shit could be some underlying bad food issue. Maybe just say, your worried hes not eating well and it will make him ill. Say hes not to eat the crap until hes eaten the meal

CherryMaDeara · 07/09/2023 11:24

Of course hide the food. He is an adult and needs to grow up and feed himself.

Cosyblankets · 07/09/2023 11:26

WindowsSmindows · 07/09/2023 11:23

So you set up an arranged marriage for your daughter and he's a loser?
This isn't about the food he eats this is big picture stuff. How do you feel about facilitating or arranging for your young daughter to live with a poor partner?

What?

TGGreen · 07/09/2023 11:28

We have lots of snacks but a box (not locked) that's for packed lunches and therefore not to be used otherwise. At 18 he should be able to understand a simple rule like this, but I think you have bigger fish to fry.
What possessed you to let him move in? Our 19DS has a girlfriend that stays fairly regularly (he equally stays at hers), and I treat her like one of our own. If he wants to live with her he can do it elsewhere. They don't get to play grownups while I alone foot the bill.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 07/09/2023 11:30

I think he needs to move out.

It's not really appropriate for him to be living with you, DD and your younger DC. It puts everyone in an uncomfortable position and leaves DD potentially stuck in a relationship she doesn't want because he he's got nowhere else to go.

FattyGonzalez · 07/09/2023 11:37

We need to know some kind of background really. Its all well and good saying get him to move out but he’s 18 and its a vulnerable age. Have you seen how expensive it is out there to rent. Will he end up just living on the streets. Help is not there for single males unfortunately. First up, he needs to get a job. Then deal with the relationship and if he stays/goes. A word with him might make him pull his socks up

2Rebecca · 07/09/2023 11:38

Agree with others that he needs to go. He doesn't sound a great enough boyfriend to be enabling the relationship by housing him and your daughter sounds likely to move on. I couldn't be bothered with a snacker. He sounds like a feckless man child who's not wanting to grow up

WorseDecision · 07/09/2023 11:40

I'd ask him and dd to start buying their own food/snacks and I'd get a lock and stick all your snacks in the locked cupboard.

Laurdo · 07/09/2023 11:43

Have you spoken to him about it? His behaviour is extremely selfish and shows zero regard for anyone else in the house. But that's the case for a lot of teenagers.

My teenage SS does the same. It's just laziness. Instead of making a sandwich or something he'll just munch through a multipack of crisps or eat and entire pack of coldmeat. My DH spoke to him about it and told him if he's hungry to make something substantial instead of just eating all the snacks and leaving none for anyone else. It's great gotten better since then.

He will he proper dinners though so my situation isn't as bad. It's more the late night snacking. He's recently asked me to teach him to cook so he's started helping me prepare dinners. Would you be willing to do that? Maybe if he could cook for himself he would.

But I think ultimately you need to speak to him. Tell him he's being very inconsiderate just eating everything, especially when it was meant for other people and he hasn't even paid for it. If he wants to continue them he can contribute to the costs.

I just can't imagine being so disrespectful, especially when someone not related to me is housing me.

CherryMaDeara · 07/09/2023 11:45

WorseDecision · 07/09/2023 11:40

I'd ask him and dd to start buying their own food/snacks and I'd get a lock and stick all your snacks in the locked cupboard.

Absolutely.

CherryMaDeara · 07/09/2023 11:46

FattyGonzalez · 07/09/2023 11:37

We need to know some kind of background really. Its all well and good saying get him to move out but he’s 18 and its a vulnerable age. Have you seen how expensive it is out there to rent. Will he end up just living on the streets. Help is not there for single males unfortunately. First up, he needs to get a job. Then deal with the relationship and if he stays/goes. A word with him might make him pull his socks up

None of that is OP's problem. Women can't take on responsibility for dd's boyfriends.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/09/2023 11:48

fairyfluf · 07/09/2023 11:20

Sorry but if he lives with you then you should treat him the same as your daughter re food

I don'tt think she'd let her daughter snack snack snack and not eat proper food either (maybe that's what you meant!)

Op you're very kind to take in this stray but it needs to come with boundaries and expectations and a limit on snacks per person is reasonable. IF you want to provide him with snacks then a snack box for the week, or just tell him snacks are for the younger kids only and adults need to get their own- perhaps clear a shelf in the cupboard for him and DD to keep their snack a and stuff as if it were a HMO house