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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop feeding DD’s boyfriend

363 replies

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 11:13

I know I'm probably BU

DD and her bf are 18, and they were in an on and off ‘relationship’ since they were 12, but have been together without breaking up for 2 years. For many reasons, he lives with us. Not sure if they're relevant.

DD finished sixth form this year and she's due to start uni in a few weeks. Boyfriend however hasn't done anything since he finished sixth form. He didn't go most of his last year and as a result, failed his A levels. He told DD he wasn't enjoying what he chose and is due to go and do a course at college, I'm not sure if he will stick to it. DD’s room is a mess and I know it isn't DD as she's very tidy but she (rightly) refuses to tidy up after him. In his defence, he is helpful around the house.

My reason for posting is he doesn't eat meals, he constantly snacks. He eats chocolate, sweets, cakes, yoghurts, fruit, cereal etc. I buy the chocolate and sweets as a treat for my DCs and the other things for their lunchboxes, if he eats all of it he goes and buys his own. He used to be underweight and has gained weight but I don't think the constant snacking is good for him. He doesn't eat dinner even though he would previously eat it so I know he likes what I make. DD asked him why and he doesn't really give a reason, just that he isn't hungry.

A few cupcakes were left over from DD’s birthday and he ate all of them yesterday, which led to the DC’s being upset as there would've been enough for all of them to have one each.

WIBU to hide all of the snacks from him and not feed him?

OP posts:
Strawberryboost · 07/09/2023 16:21

How on earth has your poor teenage daughter been able to effectively study

Oh this is bad OP

ScottishIceCream · 07/09/2023 16:26

I agree with the posters I've read so far. This young man needs to find somewhere else to live. You're doing your daughter no favours whatsoever having him live with you. For all the reasons already mentioned. And if he leaves and she goes with him, that's fine, because then at least she has somewhere to escape to if things don't pan out.

Original poster
tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 16:28

@MeridianB have you read my posts? I said he starts college next week.

When DD was at school, he was either there, at home or he was helping a neighbour out with various things, mowing the lawn, going shopping etc. He earned money from it and he still does help out.

His dad lives abroad so he doesn't see him.

He hasn't been diagnosed with ADHD but one of my DCs has it and I do see some signs in him.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 07/09/2023 16:28

This isn't about the amount of food he eats. It's about him now becoming your responsibility. Where are his own parents in all of this. It needs to be a sorted out.

Strawberryboost · 07/09/2023 16:33

When DD was at school, he was either there, at home or he was helping a neighbour out with various things, mowing the lawn, going shopping etc. He earned money from it and he still does help out.

an hour or two a week?

seriously op. Seriously.

AndWordsWhen · 07/09/2023 16:33

It's easy to say 'kick him out'.
But where does he go? Op has known him for years and probably cares a lot for him. It's not an ideal situation, but making a young person homeless is not trivial.

MeridianB · 07/09/2023 16:35

Sorry - I mis-read your post as no college and no job: I will tell him if he doesn't go to college he'll have to get a job but he's not started yet or mentioned anything about not going.

MsRosley · 07/09/2023 16:37

Why are you posting on here, OP? Seems you're more invested in defending him than actually doing anything about this situation.

MoneyFool · 07/09/2023 16:38

I think you either need to have a word with him about what he is and isn't allowed to eat, or hide the snacks, or a bit of both.

In the past I've hidden snacks that I don't want mindlessly munched by my teenager. I've now cut out all snacks so it doesn't apply any more!

Your DD's BF isn't eating dinner because he's not hungry from all the snacking, so removing or banning the snacks would definitely help him get into better eating habits.

If it was me I'd probably find it easiest to keep the things I don't want eaten by him elsewhere, as I'd want him to feel comfortable helping himself to healthy small snacks when he's hungry.

My son's GF stayed a few weeks in the summer and I asked them what they wanted buying in for breakfast and lunch and healthy snacks, then for dinner they ate with us.

Poppyblush · 07/09/2023 16:42

He needs to go. He’s going to stifle your dd. She Should be having fun in a relationship, not living with her boyfriend at home at this age. He sounds like a complete loser and has no prospects so why would you encourage that relationship. I hope you’re charging him rent?

billy1966 · 07/09/2023 16:44

Paq · 07/09/2023 16:19

I think you are doing your daughter a huge disservice by having him live with you. She's barely an adult and she needed her parents to make good decisions on her behalf, not move her bloody boyfriend in!!!

Talk about your own mother really acting against your own best interests at 18🙄.

She is a super tidy girl and you have forced a lazy slob into her intimate living space.

Some children have it so tough.

Honestly cannot believe a mother would do this in an exam year to their own child.

Truly unbelievable.

She is going to look back on this time and judge you so bloody harshly, and you will deserve it OP.

postingandtoasting · 07/09/2023 16:46

Cakes are the least of your worries really, you have been kind enough to this lad but this is not a healthy set up for your daughter. She needs to be able to start afresh at Uni without this millstone around her neck, whether she is living with you or not. You need to get him to either move with his Dad or other relatives or approach social services and/or a youth charity to offer him support to get him somewhere to live. It actually might have been better in terms of support if he could have approached these agencies before he turned 18. Not quite the same but I had a friend who used to stay over a lot when I was a young teenager. My parents allowed it and my mum still laughs about how this girl virtually lived with us for a year but I resent my Mum a bit. I wish she had been a parent and sent my friend home, because my friend was actually pretty overbearing and not a great influence. I know a set up like yours at the moment where both parties are at Uni, and the partner lives with the family in the holidays. Young relationships rarely last and I have no idea how my friends kid could get out of this relationship if they wanted to - without basically making the other person homeless. The parents should have said no.

Original poster
tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 16:48

@MsRosley I posted to ask if I’d be unreasonable to hide all the snacks, not be judged on letting him move in. I'm not going to make him homeless, he's an 18 year old with no parental support. A young 18 at that having only turned 18 at the end of July. As I've said DD is happy in the relationship and doesn't want to break up with him.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 07/09/2023 16:50

Sorry, OP, but since that lad has been staying with you he's dropped out of school and is eating an absolutely shit diet. It looks like the level of freedom you give your dd works for her but not for him.

Moveoverdarlin · 07/09/2023 16:52

I feel for your daughter. She’s 18 and on the cusp of some of the best days of her life. She’s like an old married woman. If she wants to snog a few boys at freshers week she can’t, she comes home to her BF whose waiting at her family home. She can’t break up with him as she knows he’ll be homeless. Imagine that pressure at 18!! Women feel like that after 20 odd years of marriage and 3 kids. She’s too young for all this. If she goes on a girls holiday with her new uni mates, will he stay home eating all your food? FFS this is an impossible situation you’ve been lumbered with.

SirVixofVixHall · 07/09/2023 16:53

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 07/09/2023 13:29

The thing is, none of that is your problem to fix.

You've put your daughter in a really difficult situation by allowing him to move into your house. It's not appropriate - he needs to find somewhere else to go.

The food issue is irrelevant, really.

Show quote history

I agree with this. This is for his own parents to sort out, (does he have a Dad around ?) allowing him to move in with you has just let her absolve herself of her responsibilities . It would be bizarre for you to keep housing and feeding someone else’s young son while your own child is away at university. Does his Mum/parents pay for his keep ?
As pps have said it will make it impossible for your dd to break up with him should she want to.

Lorelielee · 07/09/2023 16:55

@tobatz0220 It’s kind of irrelevant if your daughter wants to be with him or not, she doesn’t have much choice. He lives in her house, shares her bedroom because you let him. That’s a bit of a head fuck for her. For you all really.

Moveoverdarlin · 07/09/2023 16:55

He’ll never dump her as he needs her parent’s roof, food, heating, bed and everything else. They’re both stuck.

MuthaBacon · 07/09/2023 16:55

So now we know we know you're ok with him living in your house, let's get back to your original (and only) question....

WIBU to hide all of the snacks from him and not feed him?

Simple answer - yes. Just tell the lad what the house rules are, absolutely no need for any hiding or withholding of food.

Lorelielee · 07/09/2023 16:56

You are putting his needs above your daughters and your other children.

horseyhorsey17 · 07/09/2023 16:56

Is he paying you rent? Or does he just live in your house for free? Will he stay there when your daughter goes to uni, and what happens about rent then? Does he have a legal guardian and how does that fit in with all this?

I'm sorry but I agree with the other posters that this is a bit of an odd set-up that doesn't sound particularly healthy, not least with his eating. Co-habiting with a boyfriend from the age of 16 sounds insanely intense. I'm impressed your daughter passed her A-levels with all this going on but it does leave her trapped in a relationship that she might not want to be in after a few weeks at uni - and then what? I had a boyfriend at home when I went to uni and with the benefit of hindsight, I wish I hadn't as it meant I was tied to home and didn't really enjoy my first year at university. After that I dumped him and moved on with my life - which I should have done from the start. It was very unsettling still having strong ties to home when I was starting on a new phase of life. And I wasn't even living with him, it would have been even harder if I was.

MuddlerInLaw · 07/09/2023 16:57

No one has said you should make him homeless.

Although that might actually be the quickest way to persuade SS to intervene and the council to find him emergency accommodation, as he’s still apparently in full time education.

You don’t seem to be understanding that living in your home is not helping him. He needs professional support. He also needs to not be in a position where he is dependent on his girlfriend’s parents for the roof over his head.

AdoraBell · 07/09/2023 16:58

Stop buying the snacks, when it’s mentioned say the snacks are too expensive/not healthy/something else so you won’t buy them.

Mrsphilmiller · 07/09/2023 17:00

The most logical solution (imo) is ask him what treats he likes to eat, then buy them for him and in the same conversation tell him he can’t eat anything he didn’t add to the list because those items belong to other people AND also tell him to find a job and contribute to the shopping or something.

fruitbrewhaha · 07/09/2023 17:02

Ground rules.

He tidies up after himself. He eats proper meals. He stop sniffling all the snacks. He attends college.

And yes, you do need an exit plan OP. If your daughter wants to split with him she needs to be able to do so. And no 18 should be living with a boyfriend, she should be carefree and enjoying life.

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