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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop feeding DD’s boyfriend

363 replies

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 11:13

I know I'm probably BU

DD and her bf are 18, and they were in an on and off ‘relationship’ since they were 12, but have been together without breaking up for 2 years. For many reasons, he lives with us. Not sure if they're relevant.

DD finished sixth form this year and she's due to start uni in a few weeks. Boyfriend however hasn't done anything since he finished sixth form. He didn't go most of his last year and as a result, failed his A levels. He told DD he wasn't enjoying what he chose and is due to go and do a course at college, I'm not sure if he will stick to it. DD’s room is a mess and I know it isn't DD as she's very tidy but she (rightly) refuses to tidy up after him. In his defence, he is helpful around the house.

My reason for posting is he doesn't eat meals, he constantly snacks. He eats chocolate, sweets, cakes, yoghurts, fruit, cereal etc. I buy the chocolate and sweets as a treat for my DCs and the other things for their lunchboxes, if he eats all of it he goes and buys his own. He used to be underweight and has gained weight but I don't think the constant snacking is good for him. He doesn't eat dinner even though he would previously eat it so I know he likes what I make. DD asked him why and he doesn't really give a reason, just that he isn't hungry.

A few cupcakes were left over from DD’s birthday and he ate all of them yesterday, which led to the DC’s being upset as there would've been enough for all of them to have one each.

WIBU to hide all of the snacks from him and not feed him?

OP posts:

morknmindi · 07/09/2023 11:53

You sit down and speak with him and your daughter.

You point out that he is eating the snacks bought for your other children.

You tell him what he can and what he can't have.

You tell him to tidy the bedroom.

Your house, your rules.

If he's not happy to comply you show him the door.

FattyGonzalez · 07/09/2023 12:18

CherryMaDeara · 07/09/2023 11:46

None of that is OP's problem. Women can't take on responsibility for dd's boyfriends.

Show quote history

I know what your saying, but it sounds like he’s been living there a while and hes without a parental figure in place, ops almost stepped into that role.

does he have any other family he could lean on? We dont fully know the situation really

MuthaBacon · 07/09/2023 13:09

'While you're living here, there are some rules and tidying the bedroom and not eating all the bloody treats are at the top of the list' is what you say in the immediate term.

A discussion about getting a job and contributing financially (or moving out) is also overdue.

Original poster

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 13:26

He always complained to DD about how he didn't get along with his stepdad and about how he’d always be blamed for something he hadn't done but just after Christmas he messaged DD and told her that his stepdad had hit him, he came here and he said he told them he didn't want to go out with them and his stepdad started on him calling him ungrateful, spoilt etc and when he told him to leave him alone he hit him. I messaged his mum and she denied it but he showed me messages from them both, mainly stepdad telling him to not come home. Then a couple of weeks later, he tried to go to see his sibling for her birthday and he was told he wasn't welcome, DD was with him so he wasn't lying about this.

OP posts:

Feverly · 07/09/2023 13:27

‘Why are you enabling this set up? And saddling your daughter with a useless dead weight to boot?

She can hardly break up with someone who depends on her parents for housing. It's sad if he's got shit going on, but your priority really should be your daughter.’

This. My mother allowed my boyfriend to move in to our house when I was a teenager- ridiculous idea that never should have happened.
Tell the man he must contribute financially, must keep your daughters room clean and tidy, and point out the obvious about him troughing up the entire households food and how that will not happen again.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 07/09/2023 13:29

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 13:26

The thing is, none of that is your problem to fix.

You've put your daughter in a really difficult situation by allowing him to move into your house. It's not appropriate - he needs to find somewhere else to go.

The food issue is irrelevant, really.

Feverly · 07/09/2023 13:30

So he’s been booted out of his parents house, that sucks for him but why is slobbing around your property his only option? He needs to get a job and start functioning.

Catsfrontbum · 07/09/2023 13:33

Give him notice to leave.

Feverly · 07/09/2023 13:34

@andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow i agree, it’s 100% not OPs problem and she’s not prioritising her daughter. OPs probably replying to the people wanting to know the gory-irrelevant-details. I imagine it’s a lost cause, it’ll be ‘but I can’t make him homeless’/‘my daughter would hate me if I didn’t let her boyfriend live in my house’ 🙄

Babadook76 · 07/09/2023 13:37

I agree that he needs to go op. A few days short term while he sorts himself out is understandable, but moving your teenage daughters boyfriend into the family home is ridiculous. Obviously the hitting is unacceptable, but he’s been kicked out of his own family home for being spoilt and ungrateful, and now he’s acting the same at yours. He sounds like an utter deadbeat, lazy, greedy with no prospects. Your daughters got to live in his filth and he’s literally stealing food from your children. I’d be discouraging the relationship if I could, not putting a roof over his head and acting like his mum. What his plan when your daughter goes to uni?

PonyPatter44 · 07/09/2023 13:45

Sounds like his step-dad had the measure of him, sadly (although of course I don't condone hitting anyone). The kid IS lazy, greedy and disrespectful. He needs to start facing up to adult life, and either get a job or a proper college course (ideally both).

What are his good points?

CoffeeBean5 · 07/09/2023 13:51

OP, he needs to leave. Sixth form college age is too young to encourage a serious relationship ie living together. She will never feel like she can break up with her bf or say anything against him if he's with her all the time. It sounds like his step dad called him out for what he is - spoilt, lazy, greedy and disrespectful. He needs to go back and live with his mum, dad, grandparents etc. He could see the pastoral staff at his college. He's not your problem.

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/09/2023 13:53

@tobatz0220

he needs to leave your house Op
it is not fair on your daughter

Toddlerteaplease · 07/09/2023 13:54

Your poor DD, having to live with her boyfriend at that age. It's far to young for such an adult relationship. What happens if she wants to split up?

Feverly · 07/09/2023 13:55

His good points are also nothing to do with OP.

AffIt · 07/09/2023 13:59

So that was December and it's now September? I think you need to tell this chancer what will be happening in the next month or so, OP, most of which will be leaving your house.

Your daughter is starting a brand new part of her life and it's not fair to saddle her with this useless waster.

I think PPs are right and his mother and stepfather have the measure of him. Not your problem to fix.

Scarydinosaurs · 07/09/2023 14:03

Having a ‘boyfriend’ live with you at 16 through to 18 is an awful lot of pressure to put on a young person.

I can’t really get past the fact you’ve allowed this to happen. He needs to move out. What an incredibly over-pressurised environment for your daughter to experience her teenage years.

ManateeFair · 07/09/2023 14:03

WindowsSmindows · 07/09/2023 11:23

So you set up an arranged marriage for your daughter and he's a loser?
This isn't about the food he eats this is big picture stuff. How do you feel about facilitating or arranging for your young daughter to live with a poor partner?

What the fuck are you on about?

Thebigblueballoon · 07/09/2023 14:07

Right… So have you ever brought up the food situation with boyfriend or set any ground rules?

Does he have a part-time job? Does he contribute anything financially towards his upkeep?

When your daughter goes to uni, he’ll what? Live at your place by himself, letting the mess build up in her room?

There isn’t much incentive for him to go to or complete college if he’s been allowed to bum along and fail his A levels, is there?

Ponderingwindow · 07/09/2023 14:11

if you are going to move a teenager into your home, you need to do more than just provide housing. You don’t just let him slack on his education, not clean his room, or not follow household rules about sharing treats. You sit down and lay out expectations like full time education, strict attendance and acceptable grades, a part-time job, household chores, etc. You have to take on a parental role.

but really, the better plan would have been to give him housing for a couple of nights while working out a better long term situation. You have placed your dd in a permanent relationship. She can’t break up with him without making him homeless. She may have no plans to end the relationship, but it should always be an option, especially at this stage of life.

Original poster

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 14:12

@Feverly posters said knowing the background may be relevant.

He's been here since January and I had no issue with him living here, I got along well with him and I don't think he's spoilt or ungrateful. As I said in my OP he is going to college, his course doesn't start until next week but I don't know if he'll stick to it. DD is going to a uni nearby so she isn't moving out.

OP posts:

justbraisi · 07/09/2023 14:14

I don't see how he is turning your DD's room into a filthpit, but he is 'helpful around the house'? In what way?

Agree with previous posters he is not your responsibility...but if he lives in your house its weird to lock the food away from him. Where does he get his money to buy more food? Can you speak to him about buying his own food separately?

I really hope for your DDs sake that she is going to uni away from home. If she is staying at home what is he going to do? Just laze about in your house? He doesn't sound proactive about his future and if she's not careful he'll drag your DD down with him.

mummymeister · 07/09/2023 14:17

what does he contribute financially to your household or is he living rent free, bill free and free food? He isnt your child, he isnt married to your DD and whilst a temporary stop gap to a person in need is great, he is viewing this as a long term thing. sit your dd down first and tell her its time for him to move out and move on and then sit down with him. give him a reasonable timescale but you HAVE to move him on.

GingerIsBest · 07/09/2023 14:18

What would you do if this was your DD behaving this way? Do whatever you'd do with her, to him.

So if you'd say to her - stop eating the snacks unless you've had a proper meal, say it to him. He might be 18 but in the context of your home, he is the "child" just like your DD is.

I have absolutely no problem calling out children in my home as if they were my own and I am 100% supportive of other parents doing the same to my DC when they are in someone else's home. Minor example - DS is expected to stay in touch with me, call me to ask for permission for things example. When his buddy came over the other day and the boys asked me to call his buddy's mum to tell her that he was here, I just told them no way - I'm not their secretary.

Rounee · 07/09/2023 14:24

At the risk of being accused of being overinterfering. I would not be happy this is what my daughter wanted in a relationship.

He sounds like a lazy,greedy slob. I would be so disappointed if my daughter was in a relationship with him.

Seems to have no plans for the future. I really despair if this is what is seen as an acceptable relationship for our daughters. And I really feel you are doing your daughter a disservice by allowing him to live with you.

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