Page 6 | To stop feeding DD’s boyfriend

tobatz0220 · 2023-09-07T10:13:36+00:00

I know I'm probably BU DD and her bf are 18, and they were in an on and off ‘relationship’ since they were 12, but have been together without breaking up for 2 years. For many reasons, he lives with us. Not sure if they're relevant. DD finished sixth form this year and she's due to start uni in a few weeks. Boyfriend however hasn't done anything since he finished sixth form. He didn't go most of his last year and as a result, failed his A levels. He told DD he wasn't enjoying what he chose and is due to go and do a course at college, I'm not sure if he will stick to it. DD’s room is a mess and I know it isn't DD as she's very tidy but she (rightly) refuses to tidy up after him. In his defence, he is helpful around the house. My reason for posting is he doesn't eat meals, he constantly snacks. He eats chocolate, sweets, cakes, yoghurts, fruit, cereal etc. I buy the chocolate and sweets as a treat for my DCs and the other things for their lunchboxes, if he eats all of it he goes and buys his own. He used to be underweight and has gained weight but I don't think the constant snacking is good for him. He doesn't eat dinner even though he would previously eat it so I know he likes what I make. DD asked him why and he doesn't really give a reason, just that he isn't hungry. A few cupcakes were left over from DD’s birthday and he ate all of them yesterday, which led to the DC’s being upset as there would've been enough for all of them to have one each. WIBU to hide all of the snacks from him and not feed him?

Poppyblush · 07/09/2023 17:04

Your dd doesnt want to break up with him as she would feel responsible for him moving out. You’ve almost given her no choice. Kick him out, as you’re not even helping him

Themoonandtwopence · 07/09/2023 17:04

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 07/09/2023 11:30

I think he needs to move out.

It's not really appropriate for him to be living with you, DD and your younger DC. It puts everyone in an uncomfortable position and leaves DD potentially stuck in a relationship she doesn't want because he he's got nowhere else to go.

This.

Rounee · 07/09/2023 17:08

What would you do if you daughter broke up with him?

Would you still let him stay?

Can't you already see how she has limited her life choices by remaining at a local University most likely because of him?

Paq · 07/09/2023 17:09

The problem is that he needed actual parenting, and you are not willing to parent him. By being a sort of safety net his own parents haven't been made to step up and he hasn't been able to access any other support.

You did a kind thing but it wasn't necessarily the best decision for everyone involved in the long term.

Original poster

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 17:11

I don't mind him or DD having snacks either, he was allowed to before he moved in even. When he moved in, he would snack but there was enough for the rest of us, and he would also eat meals not just snacks all day.

Then when he was revising for his A levels, he started not eating dinner even though me and DD both encouraged him to. He would then eat snacks instead and it was like that for a while until a few weeks ago and he now doesn't eat meals at all, just snacks. He’s told DD he isn't hungry. I've asked if he's ok and he says he is but I am worried about him. As I said in my OP he was underweight and has now gained weight but not eating properly isn't healthy for him.

He can cook basic things as he and DD make dinner for us all, but he never eats any of it. He says he will later but never does and as I said, eats snacks instead.

OP posts:

Septemberdaysarehere · 07/09/2023 17:13

dd and Ddb here is your cupboard for your snacks to buy. Please don’t take anything from the fridge or other cupboards to snack on - but you may help yourself to fruit from the fruit bowl.

from now on you will be responsible for cooking one whole family healthy meal a week rising to two after Christmas.

mean times will be at x o clock and we all eat together from now on and all eat the same thing

does he pay rent?

Stomacharmeleon · 07/09/2023 17:17

And his mum has been transferring the money/ child benefit she has got for him and will continue to get as he will still be in education.... up until after his 19th birthday?
More than one person is taking you for a ride.
And your daughter, if she is half as nice as you, won't be able to say she doesn't want him there as she won't want to see him homeless or alone. You have to step in (and be the big bad wolf) and say now is the time for him to find something else. For everybody's sake. It's not the right modelling of what is normal for your younger children either.
So she can be 18. And enjoy uni for all the fun that it is.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 07/09/2023 17:17

"DD and her bf are 18, and they were in an on and off ‘relationship’ since they were 12"

Has no one else picked up on this? 12?! What the fuck.

Seriously OP, the snacks aren't the big fucking picture here. I really would take the advice given on this thread on board, for your DD's sake.

Strawberryboost · 07/09/2023 17:19

This boy didn’t “revise for his a-levels” and you know it

Strawberryboost · 07/09/2023 17:20

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 16:48

@MsRosley I posted to ask if I’d be unreasonable to hide all the snacks, not be judged on letting him move in. I'm not going to make him homeless, he's an 18 year old with no parental support. A young 18 at that having only turned 18 at the end of July. As I've said DD is happy in the relationship and doesn't want to break up with him.

The fact you’re concerned about

Strawberryboost · 07/09/2023 17:20

Snacks

is one of the most concerning features of your Op

Callywals · 07/09/2023 17:21

@tobatz0220 I think you are really kind for taking him in. He sounds just like my son. I adopted him as an older child, he'd been in the care system for years after a very abusive childhood. I'd like to think that if I hadn't adopted him, someone like you would have come into his life eventually and taken him in as, like a previous poster said, there's not much help for single men over 18 from social services etc. It sounds to me like he's depressed, the strange eating patterns, not gaining his expected A levels etc. He reminds me of my son. Maybe what's happened at home with the Stepfather is really effecting him badly. Can you suggest he sees his GP? If he gets some help then he's got more chance of succeeding at College, getting a job, eventually getting his own place. Also, I think you need to insist he eats proper meals with the rest of the family. He's only young and obviously needs guidance. Again, thank you for giving him a roof over his head, wanting to help him and not just writing him off. As for your daughter's relationship with him, then I suppose you'll just have to deal with the situation (help him find alternative accommodation etc) if they did break up, but from what you've said, they sound committed to each other. I feel sorry for him for what he's been through with his so called family. Thank goodness there are people like you out there.

KeepTheTempo · 07/09/2023 17:21

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 17:11

I don't mind him or DD having snacks either, he was allowed to before he moved in even. When he moved in, he would snack but there was enough for the rest of us, and he would also eat meals not just snacks all day.

Then when he was revising for his A levels, he started not eating dinner even though me and DD both encouraged him to. He would then eat snacks instead and it was like that for a while until a few weeks ago and he now doesn't eat meals at all, just snacks. He’s told DD he isn't hungry. I've asked if he's ok and he says he is but I am worried about him. As I said in my OP he was underweight and has now gained weight but not eating properly isn't healthy for him.

He can cook basic things as he and DD make dinner for us all, but he never eats any of it. He says he will later but never does and as I said, eats snacks instead.

Am struggling to understand how even after all the replies here, you're still focusing on snacks instead of your daughter's future.

NumberTheory · 07/09/2023 17:22

I agree with those saying hiding snacks is the wrong approach, especially as a first step in dealing with this. For him and for your family. It turns home life into a sort of hostile environment.

He’s a young man in need of some parenting. He’s gone through what is probably a pretty traumatic and turbulent teen period if his step dad kicked him out of the house at 17 and his mum didn’t stick up for him. That would be hard for most people to deal with so I don’t think it’s surprising he failed his a levels and finds it hard to engage with education. Nor that he has turned to junk food - many people use sugar as a comforter. He probably doesn’t have the tools to deal with the emotional tsunami that his situation has left him with.

He needs some up front support, not things sweeping under the carpet and the adults around him who are his role models now (that’s you OP!) quietly trying to limit the impact on them while ignoring the underlying issues.

Talk to him. Ask him to be more mindful of others in the house or to not to take food that isn’t in X cupboard. Ask him to join you for dinner at least X times a week. See if you can access some help for him, a counsellor or social worker, or a mentor from a charity of some kind. I think it’s great you gave him a safe space to land when his home life turned nasty, but he needs a bit more than just physical needs providing for.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 07/09/2023 17:22

Rounee · 07/09/2023 17:08

What would you do if you daughter broke up with him?

Would you still let him stay?

Can't you already see how she has limited her life choices by remaining at a local University most likely because of him?

Edited

This!

I can’t quite believe what I’m reading and you still don’t seem to get the issue OP.

where is your DH in all this? What does your daughter’s father think?

Rounee · 07/09/2023 17:24

Callywals · 07/09/2023 17:21

@tobatz0220 I think you are really kind for taking him in. He sounds just like my son. I adopted him as an older child, he'd been in the care system for years after a very abusive childhood. I'd like to think that if I hadn't adopted him, someone like you would have come into his life eventually and taken him in as, like a previous poster said, there's not much help for single men over 18 from social services etc. It sounds to me like he's depressed, the strange eating patterns, not gaining his expected A levels etc. He reminds me of my son. Maybe what's happened at home with the Stepfather is really effecting him badly. Can you suggest he sees his GP? If he gets some help then he's got more chance of succeeding at College, getting a job, eventually getting his own place. Also, I think you need to insist he eats proper meals with the rest of the family. He's only young and obviously needs guidance. Again, thank you for giving him a roof over his head, wanting to help him and not just writing him off. As for your daughter's relationship with him, then I suppose you'll just have to deal with the situation (help him find alternative accommodation etc) if they did break up, but from what you've said, they sound committed to each other. I feel sorry for him for what he's been through with his so called family. Thank goodness there are people like you out there.

Taking him in and caring for him isn't the problem.

It's the fact that he's in a relationship with her daughter and staying in her daughters room from the age of 16.

I would applaud anyone who has taken in and cared for a troubled teenager.

She has really let her daughter down.

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/09/2023 17:24

@tobatz0220

there are bigger issues to focus on here OP other than snacks

Ace56 · 07/09/2023 17:26

Moveoverdarlin · 07/09/2023 16:52

I feel for your daughter. She’s 18 and on the cusp of some of the best days of her life. She’s like an old married woman. If she wants to snog a few boys at freshers week she can’t, she comes home to her BF whose waiting at her family home. She can’t break up with him as she knows he’ll be homeless. Imagine that pressure at 18!! Women feel like that after 20 odd years of marriage and 3 kids. She’s too young for all this. If she goes on a girls holiday with her new uni mates, will he stay home eating all your food? FFS this is an impossible situation you’ve been lumbered with.

Completely agree with this.

You’re not acting in the best interests of your daughter here - even if she thinks you are at the moment, she won’t thank you for it later on when she’s stuck with this loser instead of going off with her uni friends or meeting a new bf.

Forget the snacks - they aren’t the issue here

TomatoSandwiches · 07/09/2023 17:35

You aren't doing him or your daughter any favours, you should have taken him to Social Services in January/Feb and left it to them to contact his family or find alternative accommodation.

What is going to happen when your DD wants to finish with him but he's set up house in her room?

You seem to not understand the position you have put her, well both of them in.

BenjaminDisraeli · 07/09/2023 17:36

The main thing I'm getting here OP is that you're hyper-focused on what and how he eats - you mention 'snacks' 6 times in your last post! - and what people are saying is that there are bigger, um, fish to fry in this scenario.

At the very least it's unusual for a teenage girl to live with her boyfriend in her parents' house. Is everyone fine with this - you, your DD, your partner, other DC?

Also from what you say it sounds like the boyfriend has some mental health / developmental / family-related issues - none of us are psychologists here but he doesn't sound happy.

Is he smoking weed? Might account for him snacking all the time and then saying he's 'not hungry' for proper meals. And not being able to motivate himself for college or tidying their room.

He obviously has good qualities because you wouldn't have let him stay at your house with DD otherwise. But something's up. Either general teenage malaise or something deeper. If you don't want to boot him out, ask him gently if everything's ok, because you've noticed a change in his behaviour.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 07/09/2023 17:41

VickyEadieofThigh · 07/09/2023 16:08

"Trapped..." Absolutely spot on.

Show quote history

This is absolutely right and for the hard-of-thinking posters challenging PP about 'arranged marriage', try and think harder of what position the OP has unwittingly and now with full consent, put her teenaged daughter in.

OP I was shocked by your last post. Really shocked. You've not just missed the point, you've bundled it up under the biggest rug you can find. That mis-step is going to cost you dear so, buckle up for the ride, it's going to be a bumpy one.

LardoBurrows · 07/09/2023 17:49

Well no wonder he is not hungry at mealtimes when he is stuffing his face with other people's sugary snacks.

I would sit him down and explain that from now on he buys his own snacks out of his own money and that the snacks you buy are not for him, they are for your DCs lunchboxes and he is to keep his hand off them. Then explain that everyone under your roof eats dinner together and if he wants to remain under your roof then he has to eat the meals that are provided with the rest of the family. If he lives with you he follows house rules, he doesn't get to just turn up move in and start changing things to suit him at the detriment of the rest of the household, like stealing and eating their food. You need to be firm on this Op, do not allow this cuckoo to go unchallenged.

Catopia · 07/09/2023 18:19

I agree with others that he sounds depressed.

What is the plan when your daughter leaves for uni. Is he staying with you or moving elsewhere? I think if staying with you, it is reasonable to sit him down, as would with own child, and say I am concerned that you don't have a plan, you cannot just sit around the house, you need to either go back to college or get a job and contribute to the household.

In terms of snacks, perhaps have a snack lunchbox for each person for 2 weeks or a month or whatever, and it is for the individual to manage their supply - once its gone its gone. Can then fairly distribute the nice snacks between everyone in advance and sets a boundary.

Original poster

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 18:19

DD has wanted to go to the uni nearby for a while so it isn't due to her bf. In fact, he previously mentioned going to a uni 3 hours away but he's changed his mind about what he wants to do since failing his A levels. I think failing may have affected him, even though he shouldve attended more. I am focused on what he eats because I'm worried about him.

They both have their own friends and go out with them separately. He doesn't smoke weed, if he did he wouldn't be allowed here and DD wouldn't put up with it anyway and he knows that.

He pays me rent when he gets some money after he's been helping out. DD’s dad isn't involved.

OP posts:

Mix56 · 07/09/2023 18:21

I think you need to speak first to your DD, or both together.
She bought home this waif. Does he or either of his parents contribute to your Elec/Gas/water/rates/food ?
They are all 3 taking you for a fool. You say you don't mind the snacks etc,
but he has been hanging around since he trashed all chance of passing his exams with intention of getting a summer job, he is effectively cuckooing your own DC out of the nest, eating their food that you buy...
Your DD is seriously limiting her outlook, by not starting Uni free to join friends at w/es etc.
What if he flunks out of college & she goes on to to a MA ??
you end up paying for a random waif living in your house, what.... forever ?