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Original poster

To stop feeding DD’s boyfriend

363 replies

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 11:13

I know I'm probably BU

DD and her bf are 18, and they were in an on and off ‘relationship’ since they were 12, but have been together without breaking up for 2 years. For many reasons, he lives with us. Not sure if they're relevant.

DD finished sixth form this year and she's due to start uni in a few weeks. Boyfriend however hasn't done anything since he finished sixth form. He didn't go most of his last year and as a result, failed his A levels. He told DD he wasn't enjoying what he chose and is due to go and do a course at college, I'm not sure if he will stick to it. DD’s room is a mess and I know it isn't DD as she's very tidy but she (rightly) refuses to tidy up after him. In his defence, he is helpful around the house.

My reason for posting is he doesn't eat meals, he constantly snacks. He eats chocolate, sweets, cakes, yoghurts, fruit, cereal etc. I buy the chocolate and sweets as a treat for my DCs and the other things for their lunchboxes, if he eats all of it he goes and buys his own. He used to be underweight and has gained weight but I don't think the constant snacking is good for him. He doesn't eat dinner even though he would previously eat it so I know he likes what I make. DD asked him why and he doesn't really give a reason, just that he isn't hungry.

A few cupcakes were left over from DD’s birthday and he ate all of them yesterday, which led to the DC’s being upset as there would've been enough for all of them to have one each.

WIBU to hide all of the snacks from him and not feed him?

OP posts:
JoyApple · 07/09/2023 15:43

lljkk · 07/09/2023 14:28

Give him a chance to be his best self, OP.

Tell him lots of affirming things about how you don't mind him stopping with you, he's easy company, all that is fine. And then explain how the snacking thing is making problems for you, and anyway, you want him to look after himself better by eating better. So you're asking him to change his habits for his own sake, and yours.

it's ok to mother him a bit. Sounds like he could use a caring adult in his life !

This. At least give this a try and see how it goes before doing anything drastic.

Thriving30 · 07/09/2023 15:48

It's a really unusual situation but I really don't think they should be living together, they're both so young and it just puts a lot of pressure on them and on everyone else in the household it seems like.
They both haven't completed their education and I'm sure you want to give your DD the best chance.
I think he should move out at the earliest opportunity before he settles there. Only you know the family dynamics so can determine how to do it, but I think it needs to happen. You need to put your foot down. I think the unhealthy snacking thing is irrelevant, yes it's rude of him but really that would be the last thing on my mind.. the biggest issue is the fact they're living together and it seems like he's stuck there. It seems so unhealthy.

Birch101 · 07/09/2023 15:49

OK so as you have no problem with him living there and there is obviously some family issues at home I would go down the route that as they are at an age where they could both go and live away from home (e.g. for university) and tell them that things will change to prepare them for future house shares.

For me that would include giving them their own shelf in the fridge, drawer in the freezer and cupboard for food and they shop cook and provide for themselves like they would have to living away. If you chose to have family meals for dinner then they should be responsible for cooking for the whole family as well e.g. once each a week. With that line being drawn your food is separate. I have lived with my parents and inlaws like this and of course university halls and shared housing. You should not have to resort to locked cupboards.

It's your choice wether you choose to ask your child for rent (which you could keep or give back to her later on in life) but I would suggest charging some rent to the boyfriend encouraging him to do a part time job alongside college.

It sucks that he has been dealt a poor hand in parental relationships but he is a young adult now and lots of people his age, study, work, and live independently.

Bobbotgegrinch · 07/09/2023 15:50

Another one here who can't believe you let him move in. It may have been your daughters idea but it means she's unlikely to feel able to end the relationship should she want to.

At least if they were living together elsewhere she'd be able to escape back home if she needed to, but having him in her parents house means there's no backup for her, she's stuck with him.

Moveoverdarlin · 07/09/2023 15:52

‘Oi Jack, those cupcakes were for Oli and Emily, they’ve been looking forward to them all day! Whizz out and buy some more please, they’re from Tesco.’

Notmytotoro · 07/09/2023 15:54

Laurdo · 07/09/2023 11:43

Have you spoken to him about it? His behaviour is extremely selfish and shows zero regard for anyone else in the house. But that's the case for a lot of teenagers.

My teenage SS does the same. It's just laziness. Instead of making a sandwich or something he'll just munch through a multipack of crisps or eat and entire pack of coldmeat. My DH spoke to him about it and told him if he's hungry to make something substantial instead of just eating all the snacks and leaving none for anyone else. It's great gotten better since then.

He will he proper dinners though so my situation isn't as bad. It's more the late night snacking. He's recently asked me to teach him to cook so he's started helping me prepare dinners. Would you be willing to do that? Maybe if he could cook for himself he would.

But I think ultimately you need to speak to him. Tell him he's being very inconsiderate just eating everything, especially when it was meant for other people and he hasn't even paid for it. If he wants to continue them he can contribute to the costs.

I just can't imagine being so disrespectful, especially when someone not related to me is housing me.

coldmeat is much healthier than a sandwich..

Original poster
tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 15:57

I didn't post to be judged on whether I was U for letting him move in, DD is happy, their relationship is good. They also aren't on and off, they've been together for 2 years without any breakups.

I didn't get involved with telling him to go to sixth form because it'd be on him if he failed, which he did. I was the same with DD, I never got her up and if she didn't go it was up to her, but she did. Her boyfriend would often say he felt unwell or he’d finish early. I will tell him if he doesn't go to college he'll have to get a job but he's not started yet or mentioned anything about not going.

He did apologise to my younger DC for eating the cupcakes and has said he'll buy them some more.

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 07/09/2023 16:03

You speak to him and tell him that his behaviour is not acceptable. He doesn’t take without asking

then lock the snacks up

he needs to either get a job and lay his way or leave, especially if your dd is going away to university

Funkyblues101 · 07/09/2023 16:04

Yikes! At 18 I didn't have a boyfriend for longer than 3 months. Yes, we felt intensely, but we had the freedom to chop and change. Broken hearts all over the place with no long repercussions. Your daughter is STUCK with him living in her house, trapped in a relationship by her own mother 😳

VickyEadieofThigh · 07/09/2023 16:04

OP, you said you were fine with him moving in because you got on well with him. Others have mentioned your younger children, who have had no say whatever in this young man moving into their house.

When I was just turned 17 - at the start of the summer between my lower and upper sixth - my mother allowed my 20-year-old brother to move his then 17-year-old girlfriend into our house, after they claimed she'd been "thrown out" by her parents. My younger brother (then 8 years old) and I had no choice in this matter and it completely turned our lives upside down. It was awful, but we had to put up with it for several months until my mother realised it was unhealthy and gave them their marching orders.

Please - as well as considering what a difficult situation this puts your daughter in, give some thought to the impact on your younger children.

Strawberryboost · 07/09/2023 16:04

How depressing your daughter has spent most of her teenage years with him

KeepTheTempo · 07/09/2023 16:05

The food is SO FAR from the main problem here.

I don't understand how you'd get upset when your younger kids have a cupcake taken by a nice-enough but thoughtless and directionless teen, but don't seem bothered about your older daughter losing her ability to grow and discover herself as a young woman. Even at uni she won't be getting free!

He truly has to move out, his girlfriend cannot be his only friend, and if she is, then that in itself is a major red flag.

Strawberryboost · 07/09/2023 16:07

What does he do all day?

for the last year whilst your daughter at school - what the heck has he been doing?

MuddlerInLaw · 07/09/2023 16:07

I’m struggling to believe this is real, because it’s hard to believe you don’t see what almost everyone on this thread sees.

It doesn’t matter if they have the greatest romance in the whole history of time - each of these teenagers is entitled to a life separate from that of their boyfriend / girlfriend. As it is they’re forced to be together all the time.

Kicked out of his family home this boy really needed professional help to stay on track at school and to re-shape his life. Now look what’s happened - there was no one to throw everything into making him attend school and study. Meanwhile you’re worrying about cupcakes …

Strawberryboost · 07/09/2023 16:08

Bloody hell I wouldn’t be facilitating this relationship any more than I’d have to ie be civil to him when he pops by every now and then

Strawberryboost · 07/09/2023 16:08

Parent up

is my advice

VickyEadieofThigh · 07/09/2023 16:08

Funkyblues101 · 07/09/2023 16:04

Yikes! At 18 I didn't have a boyfriend for longer than 3 months. Yes, we felt intensely, but we had the freedom to chop and change. Broken hearts all over the place with no long repercussions. Your daughter is STUCK with him living in her house, trapped in a relationship by her own mother 😳

"Trapped..." Absolutely spot on.

ihadamarveloustime · 07/09/2023 16:14

I'd have said something a long time ago. He should not be hoovering up all the snacks you buy for your family, especially on a regular basis. Sheer greed!

Anyport · 07/09/2023 16:14

Doesn't want to work and only eats what he wants? Tell him that it is expected that he will leave within a month of DD leaving for Uni. All of your problems are solved.

Stomacharmeleon · 07/09/2023 16:15

If he stays he pays. No lounging kids.

Strawberryboost · 07/09/2023 16:16

Stomacharmeleon · 07/09/2023 16:15

If he stays he pays. No lounging kids.

I disagree

he should be out. Full stop. For the sake of the DD and her siblings

Lampzade · 07/09/2023 16:17

Don’t think that you’re doing your daughter any favours by allowing this young man to live in your home. In fact , I don’t think that you are doing him any favours
Your dd needs to be able to face life at uni without being saddled with someone who has little direction. He needs to sort himself out
Tbh, if it were me, I would hope that the relationship would fizzle out when your dd is at university

Lampzade · 07/09/2023 16:18

Strawberryboost · 07/09/2023 16:08

Parent up

is my advice

Yep

Paq · 07/09/2023 16:19

I think you are doing your daughter a huge disservice by having him live with you. She's barely an adult and she needed her parents to make good decisions on her behalf, not move her bloody boyfriend in!!!

MeridianB · 07/09/2023 16:19

I don't think posters are judging the decision to help him so much as asking if there is now sufficient perspective on the negative impact he could have on her life - and everyone else in the household.

Because he can't even show enough respect to keep one shared room clean and tidy.

With no college and no job any time soon, what does he do all day? What's his plan? Also, I hope your DD is using multiple forms of contraception.

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