To stop feeding DD’s boyfriend

[tobatz0220]

I know I'm probably BU

DD and her bf are 18, and they were in an on and off ‘relationship’ since they were 12, but have been together without breaking up for 2 years. For many reasons, he lives with us. Not sure if they're relevant.

DD finished sixth form this year and she's due to start uni in a few weeks. Boyfriend however hasn't done anything since he finished sixth form. He didn't go most of his last year and as a result, failed his A levels. He told DD he wasn't enjoying what he chose and is due to go and do a course at college, I'm not sure if he will stick to it. DD’s room is a mess and I know it isn't DD as she's very tidy but she (rightly) refuses to tidy up after him. In his defence, he is helpful around the house.

My reason for posting is he doesn't eat meals, he constantly snacks. He eats chocolate, sweets, cakes, yoghurts, fruit, cereal etc. I buy the chocolate and sweets as a treat for my DCs and the other things for their lunchboxes, if he eats all of it he goes and buys his own. He used to be underweight and has gained weight but I don't think the constant snacking is good for him. He doesn't eat dinner even though he would previously eat it so I know he likes what I make. DD asked him why and he doesn't really give a reason, just that he isn't hungry.

A few cupcakes were left over from DD’s birthday and he ate all of them yesterday, which led to the DC’s being upset as there would've been enough for all of them to have one each.

WIBU to hide all of the snacks from him and not feed him?

Give him a chance to be his best self, OP.

Tell him lots of affirming things about how you don't mind him stopping with you, he's easy company, all that is fine. And then explain how the snacking thing is making problems for you, and anyway, you want him to look after himself better by eating better. So you're asking him to change his habits for his own sake, and yours.

it's ok to mother him a bit. Sounds like he could use a caring adult in his life !

OP, you sound quite blasé about his attitude to college. What happens if he does drop out, as you quite clearly predict? Will you let this go on and on? He needs a big boot up the bum.

He's lazy and has no reason to work at any real prospects for his future.

And your daughter is staying at home while at Uni.

You need to get him out of your house. And your daughter out of this relationship.

I really don't get the locked cupboard thing. Surely if you make it clear what's for "free eating" and what's earmarked for something else then that's all you need to do?

Oh, and "Hey-dd and dd's boyfriend, can you pop out and top up the snack cupboard? I bought enough for everyone-and it's all gone."

You need to speak to SS. I know he is 18 but you are somewhat lumbered with him now and with your DD leaving for uni you will be stuck with him alone.

He needs help getting onto a register for a council flat or similar and you need to make it clear to both him and SS that you can no longer afford to feed him etc (even if that's not the case). Is he working in the evenings/around college?You also need to speak to him about the amount he is eating and the disregard he's showing for the family when polishing off leftover food (eg the cupcakes) and in leaving the room in such a state.It just seems like your family have taken on a lot with him and you need to set firmer boundaries.

Hi OP, I’m v close to your DDs age and had a BF very much similar to how you are describing. Troubled family life and was ‘kicked out’ to accommodate a paying lodger. He was worse than what you are describing of DDs bf. It started with eating all the food in the house, demanding large portions etc and complaining of not having free rein of all snacks/food. Then further disrespect of blow nose into bath and towels, disrespectful of noise levels, often swanning in early am, shouting being aggressive and bringing trouble to my door. I felt extremely stuck, I ‘loved’ him and didn’t want to see him on the street or struggling but I was extremely unhappy. He had 0 appreciation for my family taking care of him, he also frequently helped with household duties but this did not justify his behaviour.

If I was you I would speak with your DD to make sure she doesn’t feel as if she is being held in this arrangement, it’s not her responsibility to house him, nor yours.

From what you have described he seems decent enough and I would take the steps to try and get him into his own housing, speak with council and see options and discuss with both of them. It starts with minor problems as you are describing and then could snowball into deeper issues causing problems between the 3 of you and damaging relationships with you and DD.

Dont want to scare you or anything but just giving perspective of someone in ur DD position Xx

I wouldn't put up with this at all, OP. I wouldn't have let him stay for more than a few nights, either. Your daughter's life choices are being limited here.

If you do want him to stay then I think you have to lay down some house rules and if he doesn't stick to them then he has to leave. One of those rules would be about the state of his room, another to do with food - it's just not on that you are having to pay for him to eat crap all the time - and the last would be to do with college. If he stops going to college, he should have to leave.

He will drag your daughter down with him. She won't have a normal student experience because of him and I don't know how you can let him stay, knowing that.

I also think you should speak to DD alone to see how she feels about him?

If she wants to stay with him then time to be motherly and give him realistic advice for example about his college course.

If she's not that keen on him anymore then see what you can do to guide him towards other accommodation, perhaps close to the college.

I had no issue with him living here, I got along well with him

This is so missing the point, @tobatz0220.

Completely understand your taking him in for a couple of weeks in an emergency - but surely you must have seen what an impossible position it puts your daughter in?

Presumably she’s just completed her A’ Levels? I can’t imagine doing that with my boyfriend foisted on me 24 hours a day.

It’s a great pity she isn’t going away to university.

I also feel sorry for the boy. Because 18 definitely isn’t a man - brain not fully developed, they’re more like lanky 12 year olds with a wider vocabulary and an ID card. He must be going through all sorts of stuff that he won’t be capable of processing for several years. However, you are not the right people to foster him. If his home life is impossible he needs to be helped to live independently. For his own sake, and for your daughter’s.

Is his dad around? He’s not your responsibility and if the break up he’ll have to leave anyway so you need to discuss his plans with him. If he can tidy the rest of the house why’s he leaving DD’s room a shit tip?

You thought you were doing a nice thing but you haven’t thought long term.

How much is keeping him costing you? Whatever it is it’s money you’re not investing in your own kids…

Your DD needs some space to be a young adult without her needy boyfriend. You've turned him into her defacto and made him dependent on her and you.

It's so unhealthy.

What if she wants to break up with him? Does she like living in filth with a directionless teen who snacks all day?

What happens when she goes to university and wants to spread her wings?

This living situation is unhealthy and not fair on any of you- the cupcakes are the least of your worries.

I hope your daughter is using contraception, otherwise you will be stuck with these teens playing house in your home forever.

Does he make any financial contribution to the household? Suggest you speak to him and ensure he knows he upset the other kids. Suggest also you say you're happy to include him in family meals but that he needs to buy his own snacks from now on.

If SD did hit him, shame on his own mum for staying with the twat over her son.

i don’t know. You’ve got mixed responses here but again id urge you to have a chat with him in the first instance. Kicking him out now will result in him having to give up college. Maybe talk to your daughter too and check how the relationship is. You need to set up house rules, clean room, eating meals, cutting down on snacks. I feel for the kid. Sounds like hes being cut out of his family 🫤

I think you need to speak to the council about this as a pp advised. It might have been better when he was at school as he may have been more of a priority but the longer you leave it the harder it will be all around. You said he's not a bad kid so maybe the step dad issue isn't all on him but the responsibility shouldn't fall on you forever.

What appalling parenting allowing him to move into your house.

How dare he eat the cupcakes.

Why are you allowing your 18 year old daughter have a boyfriend live with her.

You are not doing her any favours.

You have awful boundaries and you are passing them on to your daughter.

Did your other children not have any say in this boy just moving into their home?

He is extremely selfish eating everyones treats.

Your poor children.

Unbelievable.

Agree with all the posters saying your daughter is in an impossible position. I thought my boyfriend at age 18 was Mr Right, my soul mate, I couldn't imagine loving anyone else etc etc it wasn't until I left home that I realised how completely wrong for each other we were. Your daughter can't get any distance or perspective, in order to split up she'd have to make him homeless, that's a lot of pressure, she's basically shackled to him.

By being a good person and taking this boy into your home, you have actually enabled an unhealthy situation for your 18 year old daughter. They are teenagers "living together" and playing house in YOUR home.

If he is unable to live with his parents, he needs to find alternative living accommodation. His mother ideally should be involved in this, not you. However if he's starting college they will be able to assist him.

Him living in your house is a really really bad idea.

And where's his father in all this?

He's been here since January and I had no issue with him living here, I got along well with him

I mean, I get along well with lots of people, but that doesn't mean it would be appropriate to have them living in my house.

You really don't seem to understand how unfair this entire scenario is to your daughter. Him living in your house is not okay. He needs to go and find someone else to sponge off.

Though he’s a complete pain in the arse, I think it’s pretty obvious he’s depressed and essentially self medicating with food. Can you or your daughter suggest he see his GP? He really needs some help in coping and then getting his life back together.

If he lives with you, then perhaps his parents should have been paying his keep?

Teen boys snack, that’s what they do. Mine still does, at 21!

Do you appreciate the impossible situation you’ve put your daughter in by allowing him to move in long term?
If she breaks up with him he will be homeless - that’s a huge, inappropriate amount of pressure for an 18 year old to shoulder as she starts university.
How would things work if she wanted to end the relationship for any reason?

Your problem is not that this bloke is scoffing cupcakes and chocolate meant for your younger dcs, it’s that you have artificially accelerated your dds relationship with an absolute waster that she is “on again off again” with. His parents aren’t looking after him and for some reason you think you need to even though you are sacrificing your own child to do it. It’s a shitty thing to do to a teenage girl.

This sums it up well. He has the potential to really drag your DD down, and bring down the atmosphere at home for your younger children and you. Does he have other family he can move in with?

This. I would never have even entertained the idea of a boyfriend moving into my home, at all. What if the daughter did not want to be with him anymore, but felt guilty about breaking up. Honestly op, be the adult here.