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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop feeding DD’s boyfriend

363 replies

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 11:13

I know I'm probably BU

DD and her bf are 18, and they were in an on and off ‘relationship’ since they were 12, but have been together without breaking up for 2 years. For many reasons, he lives with us. Not sure if they're relevant.

DD finished sixth form this year and she's due to start uni in a few weeks. Boyfriend however hasn't done anything since he finished sixth form. He didn't go most of his last year and as a result, failed his A levels. He told DD he wasn't enjoying what he chose and is due to go and do a course at college, I'm not sure if he will stick to it. DD’s room is a mess and I know it isn't DD as she's very tidy but she (rightly) refuses to tidy up after him. In his defence, he is helpful around the house.

My reason for posting is he doesn't eat meals, he constantly snacks. He eats chocolate, sweets, cakes, yoghurts, fruit, cereal etc. I buy the chocolate and sweets as a treat for my DCs and the other things for their lunchboxes, if he eats all of it he goes and buys his own. He used to be underweight and has gained weight but I don't think the constant snacking is good for him. He doesn't eat dinner even though he would previously eat it so I know he likes what I make. DD asked him why and he doesn't really give a reason, just that he isn't hungry.

A few cupcakes were left over from DD’s birthday and he ate all of them yesterday, which led to the DC’s being upset as there would've been enough for all of them to have one each.

WIBU to hide all of the snacks from him and not feed him?

OP posts:
MuddlerInLaw · 09/09/2023 11:01

by taking him in, OP has cut him off from support that would otherwise have been available to him.

Exactly. ⭐️

FattyGonzalez · 09/09/2023 11:02

Thelnebriati · 09/09/2023 10:39

I think people are missing the problem - by taking him in, OP has cut him off from support that would otherwise have been available to him. Just putting a roof over his head isn't enough, he's a young person who needs support starting out in life. She meant well but hasn't actually done him any favours.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Op did the best she could at that time

Nonethemiser · 09/09/2023 11:22

Just re-read the original post and I think the line about him having eaten dinner with them in the past could be key. Why not anymore? Is it because he's full of snacks or is it because he feels guilty or senses he's being pushed out. I have a lot of sympathy for everyone in this scenario including the boy. I suspect he's really struggling, is incapable of sorting it out himself and desperately needs an adult who cares to talk to...

Rounee · 09/09/2023 11:54

Thelnebriati · 09/09/2023 10:39

I think people are missing the problem - by taking him in, OP has cut him off from support that would otherwise have been available to him. Just putting a roof over his head isn't enough, he's a young person who needs support starting out in life. She meant well but hasn't actually done him any favours.

Maybe he's depressed because he wants to dump your daughter but can't because he'd be homeless otherwise.

He's completely dependant on your family. You really don't see how unhealthy it is?

A family friend would be different.

But he hasn't got a choice. He needs to stay in this relationship. You can't see the power differential?

ladykale · 09/09/2023 14:23

Sorry but why do parents enable situations that are to the detriment of your own children?!

What does on off since age 12 even mean. Why does a 12yo have a boyfriend.

Why are you allowing him to live in your daughter's room. Why are you allowing herself to tie herself to someone who sounds like they need help, but ultimately at her age she should be focusing on her education and qualifications.

He should be living with his parents or get a job and pay private rent.

ihadamarveloustime · 09/09/2023 16:27

Rounee · 09/09/2023 11:54

Maybe he's depressed because he wants to dump your daughter but can't because he'd be homeless otherwise.

He's completely dependant on your family. You really don't see how unhealthy it is?

A family friend would be different.

But he hasn't got a choice. He needs to stay in this relationship. You can't see the power differential?

Show quote history

That's the 'inertia' I posted about higher up: it is sooo much harder to break up with someone if you're living with them, and people stay in relationships that aren't working for them longer than they want to/should because of it.

OP is making a mistake here by letting him live there and refuses to see it.

Susandorothy22 · 09/09/2023 17:35

Have you thought about having him checked for diabetes?
Our eldest DS constantly snacked on sweet stuff before we found out that he had diabetes at the age of 18.

Hubblebubble · 10/09/2023 00:00

OP doesn't want to acknowledge how trapped this poor boy is

Neodymium · 14/09/2023 14:36

Strawberryboost · 09/09/2023 08:01

@Neodymium you lock up all snacks otherwise your children and your DH would eat them all

you children will be one of those I see in the mornings walking to school.. stopping at the newsagents to buy a load of junk and scoffing mars bars down their throat at 7.30am if you don’t address this

No they don’t 🙄 school snacks are just convenient to eat rather than make themselves something else like a sandwich that takes time. None of the snacks are chocolates anyway. Musli bars, salami sticks, crackers and cheese dip.

Mooomooland · 14/09/2023 15:00

I literally just paid for my DSs girlfriend to get a van to take her stuff to university. The parents are absolute bastards and I felt so sorry for her that they wouldn't help.

Probably not relevant but the point is that he loves her, and I treat her like my own child in many ways as she's part of the family.

lljkk · 15/09/2023 21:30

You're a good person, Moo.

Back in the 80s when I was young... I worked at a business where the deputy manager (Jo) was about 50. Her 3 adult kids all still lived at home & all worked with us... as did a good friend (Alex) of her youngest son. Alex's friends had moved away & Alex moved in with Jo's family when Alex was about 16 or 17. I never asked for details but it was obvious Jo had a big heart.

It was the right thing to do. I filed the story away, as something I would want to emulate if the opportunity arose when my own kids were adults. Kindness is so under-rated nowadays.

sugarrosepetal · 22/09/2023 21:03

I've just came across your post. I can understand your frustration. If he's stopped eating meals, constantly filling up on snacks and eating enough of them that would do the full family, please keep an eye on him for an eating disorder such as bulimia. It could just be a teen phase but better to be safe than sorry.

sashadjas · 09/10/2023 23:22

WindowsSmindows · 07/09/2023 11:23

So you set up an arranged marriage for your daughter and he's a loser?
This isn't about the food he eats this is big picture stuff. How do you feel about facilitating or arranging for your young daughter to live with a poor partner?

WHAT the actual fuck...are you on glue???

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